Parents with little better to do than be alarmed at scarcely credible trends amongst the nation’s youth are accordingly alarmed about the rapid growth of what is being dubbed as the “might as well” cult. The unimaginative name demonstrates the literary underachievement of the movement, but this threat is only secondary to its much more sinister purpose.
Most alarming is the cult’s membership, which is comprised nearly entirely of well-behaved, devout Christian university and high school students. It seems that the students have taken a popular evangelical message to heart, and drawn entirely the opposite conclusion of what the soapbox preachers intended.
“I’ve been telling people for years that in God’s eyes, hate is the same as murder and lust is as good as adultery,” explained moustache enthusiast, Roy Cozy. However, since many of these sins are so easily come by, the cult’s members argue that, far from deterring them, there is instead nothing stopping them from committing actual murder and adultery.
“I was about sixteen when I realized that I was as defiled as I was going to get in God’s eyes,” explained Will Boyce, neighbor to several MILFs. “I used to just lust after them, but now I get to sex them up, and it’s the same punishment.” When his parents discovered his crimesins, they were at first angry, but soon became placated by Will’s earnest claim to be a devout Christian.
Will explained that it was a case of hearing something so much it becomes true. “I really started to take home the message from church each Sunday that I’m a helpless sinner. One day I just turned around and asked myself, ‘yeah, I’m a sinner. What of it?’”
While outraged parent teacher associations across the country have moved to ban the movement, many of the “Might As Wells” argue it’s a phase they’ll eventually grow out of. “By far the biggest appeal is the ability to just ask for forgiveness after an night of murder and debauchery. But when I grow up and lose my sex drive, most of my crimesinning will probably just stop naturally,” explained a student member.
Shopkeepers are meanwhile trying to abort a law which would make loitering outside their stores a crimesin. They are worried that the guilty loiterers would decide they “might as well” shoplift. Clinical psychologists are also pressing for action, noting that the rate of suicide among people merely angry at themselves has trebled in recent weeks.
Finally, a Mormon pressure group campaigning to make erections a sin is being urged by legislators to proceed with caution. “Our birth rates are high enough already,” warned an anonymous source at the Salt Lake City Mayor’s Office.