Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Alarming “might as well” cult growing among nation’s youth

Parents with little better to do than be alarmed at scarcely credible trends amongst the nation’s youth are accordingly alarmed about the rapid growth of what is being dubbed as the “might as well” cult. The unimaginative name demonstrates the literary underachievement of the movement, but this threat is only secondary to its much more sinister purpose.

Most alarming is the cult’s membership, which is comprised nearly entirely of well-behaved, devout Christian university and high school students. It seems that the students have taken a popular evangelical message to heart, and drawn entirely the opposite conclusion of what the soapbox preachers intended.

“I’ve been telling people for years that in God’s eyes, hate is the same as murder and lust is as good as adultery,” explained moustache enthusiast, Roy Cozy. However, since many of these sins are so easily come by, the cult’s members argue that, far from deterring them, there is instead nothing stopping them from committing actual murder and adultery.

“I was about sixteen when I realized that I was as defiled as I was going to get in God’s eyes,” explained Will Boyce, neighbor to several MILFs. “I used to just lust after them, but now I get to sex them up, and it’s the same punishment.” When his parents discovered his crimesins, they were at first angry, but soon became placated by Will’s earnest claim to be a devout Christian.

Will explained that it was a case of hearing something so much it becomes true. “I really started to take home the message from church each Sunday that I’m a helpless sinner. One day I just turned around and asked myself, ‘yeah, I’m a sinner. What of it?’”

While outraged parent teacher associations across the country have moved to ban the movement, many of the “Might As Wells” argue it’s a phase they’ll eventually grow out of. “By far the biggest appeal is the ability to just ask for forgiveness after an night of murder and debauchery. But when I grow up and lose my sex drive, most of my crimesinning will probably just stop naturally,” explained a student member.

Shopkeepers are meanwhile trying to abort a law which would make loitering outside their stores a crimesin. They are worried that the guilty loiterers would decide they “might as well” shoplift. Clinical psychologists are also pressing for action, noting that the rate of suicide among people merely angry at themselves has trebled in recent weeks.

Finally, a Mormon pressure group campaigning to make erections a sin is being urged by legislators to proceed with caution. “Our birth rates are high enough already,” warned an anonymous source at the Salt Lake City Mayor’s Office.

14 comments:

Dani' El said...

Brilliant Frodo!
Very funny.
Your best yet.

I understand there's an offshoot sect called the "meh?'s".

Roy Cozy? Lolol!!
Classic!

I'll get to your bad theology tomorrow.

Dani' El said...

Angel's
Red Sox
White Sox

Coincidence?

FrodoSaves said...

Roy Cozy? Lolol!!

I figure he could be a recurring character, as soon as I discover how to draw a passable likeness.

I'll get to your bad theology tomorrow.

I'm full of it. Absolutely full of it. Thoroughly looking forward to being torn to pieces on the morrow.

PS - Maybe I'm slow, but didn't catch the baseball reference...

CodewordConduit said...

Lmao Roy Cozy fuckin' brilliant!

Dani' El said...

Angel's lose again?

Um, 3 long accursed teams won the world series in a row.
Angels, Red Sox, the White Sox.

A sign of the apocalypse.

You haven't said where you're from Frodo. My guess would be in the commonwealth, so Canada?

Did I tell you about the trick Satan played concerning Ray Comfort?

When I lived on the Isle of Hawaii, (Da big one) I went to a church for a bit and there was this sham preacher named--------
Ray Glory, no lie.

And when I got out of jail, and Satan was hard at it, he tried to convince me that Ray Comfort was also a fraud.
Tricky that Satan.

CodewordConduit said...

Lol

He might have got things right on the Comfort front.

Seriously, who's real name is Comfort?

Dani' El said...

Company Name: New Hope Christian Fellowship-
Address: 11 3019 A Volcano Rd, Volcano, HI 96785 (Map)
Alt Business Name:
Location Type: Single Location
Est. Annual Sales: $32,000
Est. # of Employees: 1
Est. Empl. at Loc.: 1
Year Started: 1996
State of Incorp:
SIC #Code: 8661
Contact's Name: Ray Glory
Contact's Title: Pastor
NAICS: Religious Organizations

Dani' El said...

נחמיה
nechemyâh
nekh-em-yaw'
From H5162 and H3050; Comfort of Jah; Nechemjah, the name of three Israelites: - Nehemiah.

Since Ray is a Jew, maybe it's Goyized.

Dani' El said...

He might have got things right on the Comfort front.

I usually assume Satan is lying.
That's his thing.

Dani' El said...

I figure he could be a recurring character, as soon as I discover how to draw a passable likeness.

When did you start being concerned about passable liknesses?

http://ezinearticles.com/?Tips-on-Pencil-Portrait-Drawing---Facial-Hair&id=1161476

FrodoSaves said...

Ah, thanks for the link. By passable likeness I merely meant drawing my usual two lines for eyes and nose and then a few more for the moustache. Shouldn't be too hard, but you can work a surprising amount of personality into the simplest of sketches. Anyway I have no immediate plans to put Roy Cozy in anything, but I feel confident he'll be back soon ;)

Vitamin R said...

“By far the biggest appeal is the ability to just ask for forgiveness after an night of murder and debauchery.

It's easier to ask for forgiveness than permission :D

Shopkeepers are meanwhile trying to abort a law which would make loitering outside their stores a crimesin. They are worried that the guilty loiterers would decide they “might as well” shoplift.

I've always wondered why people didn't take that whole--lusting in your heart is as bad as lusting with your body, etc, thing to its natural conclusion. If you think it, want it, then it's as bad as doing it. So you "might as well".

Dude--Jeebus still lives with his dad? He's, like, 2000 years old! For a guy that hangs out with whores and lepers, he seems kinda . . . meh.

PhillyChief said...

Brilliant!

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