Thursday, February 26, 2009

The Guide to Frodo-Sanctioned Sexuality

Our third Sex Week instalment is brought to you by Filliam, a name whose anagram could be 'ail MILF', or 'I am fill'. Interestingly, netiher of those make sense. Please enjoy this guide, the subheading of which should probably be "keeping your dong where it belongs", marvel at the author's impressive knowledge of Frodological scripture, and always ask yourself "why am I a bad person?" You may have the answer by the end of this article.

As previously mentioned in the FAQ, Frodo teaches that we should follow love where we find it. But is it really that simple? Of course not! There are many kinds of love; romantic, platonic, familial, ...um, that sums it up quite nicely. Which love was Frodo referring to? All of them! Frodo's word is all-encompassing, and as such each word is in fact worth thousands of words. Follow love? Absolutely! But how far? Should every Hanson fan have followed them through their most recent tour? Likely not. That kind of devotion is for the craz-, er, the devoted. The point is you should follow love, but only as far as Frodo tells you. In celebration of Sex Week here at Frodology, we've put together this trusty guide to sexuality, the Frodo-approved way.

Before marriage: Abstinence! According to most false religions, this is the holy path until marriage, whereupon it becomes a mechanism to deprive whichever false god of future disciples. This is yet another example of other religions blatantly plagiarizing Frodo's Word. Abstinence (before marriage) is indeed the Path to Heaven; it is good clean fun, involving little of life's most corrupting factor, namely: fun. This has been difficult for many (Bristol Palin recently publicly declared it was "unrealistic"), but if Frodo doesn't require sacrifice from his disciples, how would we prove our devotion? There's been much talk in Christian teen quarters of what implies a loss of viriginity: "what if we just kiss?" "What if we kiss with our mouths open?" "What if I were to...let's say "use" my hand, but I used the fingers wearing my chastity ring?" "What if I were to purchase an extremely large chastity ring, and place it...elsewhere? Surely god will provide all the protection I need?"

No, he will not; fake gods can't protect you, and Frodo can't be bothered to pay attention to someone wearing an overpriced piece of jewelry, especially when the money's not going to him. In doing any of the above, you have breached the lady's Gates of Mordor. Yes, even the kissing. Women are fragile, and the gate is metaphorical. Luckily, as a man you can simply make sure to send your progeny on a Nission (1 Nission per transgression, please; no substitutes) and all will be forgiven. Oh wait, you're the woman? So very sorry, because all children belong entirely to the father, you're damned to eternal hell. You're both women? See previous and square it (isn't math fun!). You're both men? Not possible; in the eyes of Frodo one of you is now a woman (you'll find out which when you die!). And ladies, I was lying about being sorry. Harlots.

Let's say you manage to keep it in your pants, meet a fellow Frollower, and come to the mutual decision1 to enter into marriage. Congratulations! Sex is now heartily encouraged, so long as it's done for the right reasons. That is, to bring more Frollowers into the world2. So get to it! Every night without fail, more than once if you can.

[An aside to the ladies: don't worry; your husbands have thus far led lives of complete sexual deprivation, so they won't take long. Just shut your eyes, and think of Orlando Bloom as Legolas. It is your solemn duty to Frodo, and let's be honest; preternaturally clean elves are dreamy.]

What's this you say? This daily ritual has become a bit of a chore? Torturous, even? Well done, you are now doing it right. All those times you enjoyed it, you were sinning. Don't you ever, ever enjoy it again. Enjoying your sexuality is downright blasphemous3.

So go forth! Enjoy (but don't) your sin-free sexuality. You are now equipped with the knowledge you need to preserve your soul4.




  1. In as much as a woman can ever make a decision.
  2. Male Frollowers preferred. At the very least, fertile females. The infertile ones can be trained in the beliefs of alternative religions; this is called a White Elephant gift.
  3. This is especially true for women, and ugly people.
  4. No no, we've been through this; if you're a woman, your soul is already screwed. Keep up.

5 comments:

piggymceatsalot said...

a beautiful piece of scripture, filliam. in agreement that women are filth - what about the wretched plight of fat people?

Filliam said...

I believe I touched on them when I mentioned ugly people, but lest there be any doubt: yes, they are also screwed, spiritually. Of course, this is different if you're a dwarf. Dwarves aren't fat, they are delightfully rotund, and in deference to Gimli, Frodo's all about that.

But dwarves are most certainly not allowed to have sex. Gimli wasn't that helpful.

CodewordConduit said...

I'm sure I read somewhere in the sacred texts that it's nigh on impossible to differentiate between dwarf males and females anyway (unless you are a dwarf).

If you check out one of the extended LOTR DVDs (I forget which one) Gimli sings a song which includes the lyrics

...Dwarves go swimming/With little hairy women...

I wonder why that was left out of the cinema release.

Dwarf sexuality isn't as simple as you seem to be making out here Filliam.

Filliam said...

Codeword: I admit that any confusion in identifying the gender of potential mates would complicate things.

Frodo just says they aren't allowed to have sex. They most likely still do it, the sinful little bastards.

Vitamin R said...

No, he will not; fake gods can't protect you, and Frodo can't be bothered to pay attention to someone wearing an overpriced piece of jewelry, especially when the money's not going to him. In doing any of the above, you have breached the lady's Gates of Mordor. Yes, even the kissing. Women are fragile, and the gate is metaphorical. Luckily, as a man you can simply make sure to send your progeny on a Nission (1 Nission per transgression, please; no substitutes) and all will be forgiven. Oh wait, you're the woman? So very sorry, because all children belong entirely to the father, you're damned to eternal hell. You're both women? See previous and square it (isn't math fun!). You're both men? Not possible; in the eyes of Frodo one of you is now a woman (you'll find out which when you die!). And ladies, I was lying about being sorry. Harlots.

ROTFLMAO

But dwarves are most certainly not allowed to have sex. Gimli wasn't that helpful.

So Dwarves really do just spring out of holes in the ground? Isn't that a little convenient?