Tuesday, March 24, 2009

PJ Grasping's Frodological Guest Spot

PJ Grasping is the leader of the new wave of in-your-face apologists, defending the Frodological faith with what he calls “challenge-riposte”. This type of crass obnoxiousness is validated by several instances of righteous argumental dickery within the sacred texts – just look at the satirical nickname of Theoden’s wicked advisor – “Wormtongue”. Imagine how disgusting a man with a worm for a tongue would be. Imagine how upset the recipient of the insult would feel at the metaphorical implications! Yet when righteousness is faced with evil, it is only good and proper that we try to make the forces of evil look and feel like stupid fucking dipshits.



Mr Grasping has taken the time to answer some questions forwarded to us here at Frodology. Aces!



Q: Everybody knows that there is no such thing as a Wizard. The only references to Wizards that we have are in, like, really old books; and nobody who claims to be a Wizard will submit themselves to scientific testing. Therefore the sacred texts lied about the existence of Wizards – so how can we be sure that a race of so-called “Hobbits” ever really existed, let alone worship one?



A: Many things that we take for granted by today’s standards (televisions, aeroplanes and rocket ships that fly to the moon) would have been considered “magical” by the average layperson during the time that the sacred texts were written. I think it’s very reasonable to say that Gandalf and his ilk were actually very clever scientists (much cleverer than you or I). Therefore it would be incredibly silly to ask a master scientist to be tested scientifically… chances are he’d end up testing the scientists instead!



Q: Many of the “magical” beings from Middle Earth conveniently sailed away to a mysterious, otherworldly destination at the end of the scriptures; thereby making it impossible to perform scientific analyses on their remains. Why should I believe that any of them existed in the first place?



A: We cannot imagine that which is inconceivable. Therefore the fact that we can imagine Wizards (master scientists), and Elves (the master race), means that their existence is conceivable. The burden of proof is on you to validate your unsubstantiated belief that Wizards and Elves have never existed. Try to do it without referencing the very Wizards and Elves you claim not to believe in! Ha, you’re laughable; and I am the king of challenge-riposte!



Q: Unlike Narnians under the reign of the usurper Miraz, the people of Middle Earth didn’t go to school. How can we trust anything that came from them as being historical fact when most of them couldn’t tell you the difference between their arse and their elbow?



A: I find it ironic that you will trust the Narnian sources when compiling an argument about how the Middle Earth sources are unreliable. You’re such a hypocrite. Besides, my doctorate isn’t in arses and elbows – go and bother someone else with your silly question, idiot-face fundy atheist.



Anyone else dare to take me, the undisputed king of Frodological exegesis on? I can save 90% of you the time by telling you that you’re fucking idiots!

Of course no article from PJ Grasping would be complete without one of his signature cartoons:



"I Zap Fundy Atheists", copyright Grasping 2009.

50 comments:

Whateverman said...

Is Mr. Grasping able to field other questions? Perhaps he would be amenable to another guest spot in the near future...

I find apologism of this skill level and breadth to be simply breathtaking.

Dani' El said...

What hath Frodo wrought!

I thought I smelled CWC's insidious odors there!

The end is near.

FrodoSaves said...

Arguments of this caliber are beyond my apological ability, so I had to bring in a ringer.

(Welcome CC!)

Dani' El said...

A ringer?

Was that a pun?

I appreciate that the drawing was in the crude genre. My fave.

Vitamin R said...

I think it’s very reasonable to say that Gandalf and his ilk were actually very clever scientists (much cleverer than you or I). Therefore it would be incredibly silly to ask a master scientist to be tested scientifically… chances are he’d end up testing the scientists instead!

Masterful.

The burden of proof is on you to validate your unsubstantiated belief that Wizards and Elves have never existed. Try to do it without referencing the very Wizards and Elves you claim not to believe in! Ha, you’re laughable; and I am the king of challenge-riposte!

Remind me never to get into an argument with you, Grasping!

A: I find it ironic that you will trust the Narnian sources when compiling an argument about how the Middle Earth sources are unreliable. You’re such a hypocrite. Besides, my doctorate isn’t in arses and elbows – go and bother someone else with your silly question, idiot-face fundy atheist.

Did anyone else hear that? That's the sound of some idiot-face fundy atheist getting pwned . . . Grasping-style!

But in the cartoon . . . Grasping zapping the idiot-face fundy atheists with yellow ribbons? 'Cause that's not so much pwning as gpfting. . . .

Stan, the Half-Truth Teller said...

'Cause that's not so much pwning as gpfting...

Heh. I'd say someone's gimp was thoroughly grokked.


I also scoffed at the question regarding the existence of Hobbits:

If there were no Hobbits, then what is Tom Cruise?

If there were no Wizards, then who was "Tim," the old man from scene 24?

The evidence is piling up, stupid fundy atheist retards.

--
Stan

Anonymous said...

I wonder how P.J. can account for the various inconsistencies in the so called sacred text. For example, when the narrative splits after the breaking of the fellowship, we are often told that Frodo and Sam are doing this at the same time as Merry and Pippin are doing that. If you map these out, as Christopher Tolkien has done, following and counting the days that pass by in both narratives, you'll find that they slip out of being synchronous. By the time of the battle of the Pelennor fields the convergent narratives are two days out of step with each other, and we have the remarkable (and unbelievable) occurence of a full moon lasting for three days!

Answer that and stay fashionable PJ!

FrodoSaves said...

Anon,

Haven't you heard of heavenly bodies standing still? It happens all the time. Fundy atheist nut job.

You've been Grasped!

-----

Stan,

I believe Tim was actually an enchanter. Some decline to differentiate between wizards and enchanters, due to the intradisciplinary schism that occurred several centuries ago. As I'm sure you'll remember from your Frodology 101 lessons, enchanters wanted to expand into children's birthday parties, and wizards disagreed. Now, of course, all clergy members do children's parties, so the distinction is largely irrelevant.

PJ Grasping said...

Oh you can bet I'll be round to comment later.

PersonalFailure said...

PJ Grasping has been hard at work in Sweden (?), where 80% of the populace have accepted the existence of elves.

His work has barely begun in the US. Gandalfspeed, Mr. Grasping!

Anonymous said...

Personally, I find Grasping's grasp (ha ha! see what I did there?) of Tolkienian apologetics to be fundamentalist and out-dated. I'm more of a liberal Tolkienian. I find it impossible to believe that Bilbo really wrote the first five books of the sacred text. The idea of the inerrancy of Tolkien is a misunderstanding of this inspired text. We don't need to believe that Beren and Luthien ever really existed, and we have plenty of scientific evidence to prove that Middle-Earth is much older than a literal interpretation of the text allows. These strict, conservative excuses begin to sound as old as I imagine Mithrandir's scrotum to look.

Vitamin R said...

Well said, Anonymous, but--yeesh, you've imagined Mithrandir's scrotum?

Were you just . . . bored and day-dreaming, or was this during special-underpants-alone-time?

'Cause either way, you're a pre-vert, and Frodo will smite thee through His faithful servant PJ Grasping.

CodewordConduit said...

FS: (Welcome CC!)

Thanks FS, I hope to do you proud ;)

PJ Grasping said...

Anonymous:

I wonder how P.J. can account for the various inconsistencies in the so called sacred text.

Ahoy mateys! Fundy atheist on the starboard bow! This should be interesting... NOT.

"For example, when the narrative splits after the breaking of the fellowship, we are often told that Frodo and Sam are doing this at the same time as Merry and Pippin are doing that. If you map these out, as Christopher Tolkien has done, following and counting the days that pass by in both narratives, you'll find that they slip out of being synchronous. By the time of the battle of the Pelennor fields the convergent narratives are two days out of step with each other...

Oh blather blather durr durr duuuuh. It's obvious that you have never taken the time to read my book "Shattering the Frodo Myth" - a fact which I find astonishing considering that it's probably the best book ever written by man. Consensus is divided as to whether the word "day" as rendered in the original Common Tongue actually refers to "eleventy thirteen hours" or merely "an unspecified period of time". It's all about contextualizing, lil buddy - but unless your precious Richie Dawkins has written a chapter about it in his latest little storybook; I doubt you'll ever have to trouble yourself with it.

"...and we have the remarkable (and unbelievable) occurence of a full moon lasting for three days!

See above explanation oh wise one.

..................

Not content with his earlier work of genius - (NOT) - Mr Anonymous continues:

Personally, I find Grasping's grasp (ha ha! see what I did there?)

Ho hum wasting your precious thinking minutes on silly wordplay when you have yet to put together anything like a convincing argument. Thank Frodo that this is all that the fundy atheist is capable of - otherwise the situation might be more than just the massive joke for me that it is now.

"...of Tolkienian apologetics to be fundamentalist and out-dated. I'm more of a liberal Tolkienian. I find it impossible to believe that Bilbo really wrote the first five books of the sacred text."

Yes well if I sat around the house all day with my thumbs up my ass I'd imagine that all sorts of things were impossible too. Like a big building that dispenses free books on two or three week loans with no obligation. They're called libraries. Pull on a coat, wash your hands thoroughly, and visit one before you next start disrupting my thread.

"...and we have plenty of scientific evidence to prove that Middle-Earth is much older than a literal interpretation of the text allows."

If you know better than the fairies that sang this world into existence then do pray put forward your dippy liberal hypothesis, Mr Omniscient.

These strict, conservative excuses begin to sound as old as I imagine Mithrandir's scrotum to look.

Oh so you're a gay. Explains everything.

Dani' El said...

sniff sniff......Jack Dani' El's.

Am I right?

FrodoSaves said...

PF,

Indeed! And who but Grasping himself could you thank for the high conversion rate among these fine people? While we're at it, maybe someone could answer this gentleman's question as to why it's so hard to buy LARP armor. He seems to have half of the Olympic Rings stuck to his face and his grandma's cross stitched quilt for a shield. I'd start with that.

Oh, how I love people.

---------

CC,

It is Frodo who you shall make proud. Unfortunately since pride is a sin, He'll probably make you regret it, though undoubtedly He will still be grateful for the great work you have done in His service. Truly it is a world full of contradictions.

(and riposte!)

---------

Anon,

With a heart hardened like the sharpest steel of Rivendell, it's no wonder you cannot open yourself to the myriad miracles of scripture. That you might use the hallowed other name of Gandalf while refuting the inerrancy of Frodological scripture shows that it is you who is confused, mixing your similes like a metaphornicator. If my worldview was predicated so precariously upon the cusp of what I can and cannot conceive, rather than submitting to the weight of the evidence, I would consider myself morally adrift, forsaken in the darkest depths of Mirkwood.

You moth-sucking fundie liberal whore-hole!

(Sorry, I'm still learning how to do 'riposte'. Was that right, CC?)

Dani' El said...

No wait.........juniper and tonic.

Anonymous said...

But surely the fairies that sang the world into existence are symbolic. The union of Aragorn and Arwen is no less beautiful for being based on the myth of Beren and Luthien, as contained in The Old Text. Furthermore, these myths obnly made it into the Tolkienian canon as a result of mistaken reverence at the council of Nicaea, sorry, the council of Elrond.

Besides, the sacred text itself hints at the evolution of hobbits. Surely Merry and Pippin's increasing stature, having drunk Treebeards draught, gives a clue to what's really going on here. They're evolving. Over deep geological time hobbits grew taller, put some shoes on and became young-Middle-Earth creationists!

UNRR said...

I wonder about PJ's take on the Lord of the Rings movies: heretical distortions of sacred text, or useful introductions to Frodology? Can they be viewed as one of those heavily illustrated children's versions of the Bible, or are they false doctrine to be condemned out of hand?

CodewordConduit said...

It is Frodo who you shall make proud. Unfortunately since pride is a sin, He'll probably make you regret it, though undoubtedly He will still be grateful for the great work you have done in His service. Truly it is a world full of contradictions.

(and riposte!)


Oh I love nothing more than feeling like bird shit on the shiny mithril jerkin of Lord Frodo whilst simultaneously being more clever and important than most of the jackasses in his creation.

Mmmmm Superiori-Shame...... s'delicious.

Your riposte is coming along splendidly. Remember, sometimes people's names lend themselves to clever parodies e.g.

Sam Harris can be cleverly transformed to Sam "stupid idiot" Harris, with very little effort and maximum riposte results!

FBWY

PJ Grasping said...

Anony-MOUSE (because he is small like a mouse, and stupid like a mouse, and I shall play with him like a cat plays with a mouse, before trapping him in an irreducibly complex mousetrap made of my cleverness) said: But surely the fairies that sang the world into existence are symbolic.

If you have a different account for how matter came into existence then I’m all ears. No? Didn’t think so. You with your “symbolism”, trying to sweeten your spoonful of heresy like a sinister Mary Poppins. Shame it’s so patently and obviously dumb, zero-threat boy.

Furthermore, these myths only made it into the Tolkienian canon as a result of mistaken reverence at the council of Nicaea, sorry, the council of Elrond.

Frodo was probably the most famous person in Middle Earth at the time that the texts were written. Don’t you think that I realize it’s highly likely that many people wrote things – some true and some false? Think about it though, if fallacious accounts had been included in the final canon – we would have heard about someone calling the Council out on it. There is no evidence to suggest that anyone at the time (bear in mind these people had living memory of Frodo) deemed the final canon to be comprised of lies.
This leaves us with three possible options:

1)Everyone in Middle Earth was a liar

2)Everyone in Middle Earth was insane

3)The final canon contains the true account

See what I just did there? I took you to school lil buddy. Lesson learned, I hope.

Besides, the sacred text itself hints at the evolution of hobbits.

Evidently not.

Surely Merry and Pippin's increasing stature, having drunk Treebeards draught, gives a clue to what's really going on here. They're evolving.

What an idiotic analogy. So when things grow they evolve? Durrrr. You want to prove evolution? Show me the transitional forms.

Anony-MOUSE demonstrates yet again that he is no match for me, Emperor of Exegesis.
I nominate him for IFFA (idiot-face fundy atheist) of the month!

PJ Grasping said...

UNNR said:

I wonder about PJ's take on the Lord of the Rings movies: heretical distortions of sacred text, or useful introductions to Frodology? Can they be viewed as one of those heavily illustrated children's versions of the Bible, or are they false doctrine to be condemned out of hand?

The sorts of people who condemn the films for being heretical are the same sort of self-righteous Frodologists who call me out for my superbly witty challenge-riposte.

Fucktards, I call them.

Yours in Frodo

PJ

Dani' El said...

Second!


Wow PJ.
I'm in awe (and shock).

CS Lewis on tweak!

FrodoSaves said...

PJ,

If it wasn't for your enlightened wit as sharp as Sting, I would be distracted by your erotic rabbit cleavage. But as it is I stand rapt in the shadow of your knowledge.

------

UNRR,

Peter Jackson"'s" trilogy (I have put quotation marks around the apostrophe-s because he can hardly be said to own it) is a source of great controversy to Frodologists and Mel Gibson. While they might serve as a useful introduction to the Word of Frodo, they are of course biased and encourage spiritual laziness. Mr. Jackson omitted key tracts from the Book and furthermore deliberately portrayed Gollum in a negative light, a figure who, as I'm sure you will have learnt from recent adventures in abridgment, was viewed fondly by Frodo and remembered unjustly by history.


------

Anon,

How many times must you be Grasped before you'll drop this foolish tirade?

Semper Frodelis.

Oolon Colluphid said...

Frodosaves:

I never tire of being grasped. My bleeding, liberal heart overfloweth with Tolkienian forgiveness and tolerance.

PJ:

There were no transitional forms, Merry and Pippin's evolution was an example of punctuated equilibrium!

There's a fourth possibility that you've overlooked. The sacred text contains different sorts of truth; literal and symbolic. I'm sure even you'll admit that when Aragorn calls Samwise "the salt of the earth", he doesn't mean it literally, but poetically.

You should try to be a little less dogmatic. Your style of apologetics is all stick and no carrot. Here in Hobbiton we practise a much gentler form of Tolkienianity. The Church of Hobbiton abolished belief in Mordor back in the 1920s. We place much greater emphasis on the Grey Havens, cucumber sandwiches and repressed homosexuality. You should try it.

Dani' El said...

Dear Rabbi Grasping-
I was wondering.
What does Frodology teach about course language and blasphemy?

Also, I think Frodo expounded a bit on Alcohol, (the subject of alcohol that is, not while on Alcohol, or maybe not) what of hard alcohol?
Jack Dani'Els and Juniper Juice?

Are these sacraments? If so where in the Rings Canon of scripture is this supported?
Is there a Frodology Talmud of sorts? Surely there must be LOTR Sages.

Baruch Tolchien,
Dani' El

zilch said...

Very funny, you guys. Having myself been subject to the tender mercies of P.J. Holding at Dicktonics, I grok.

But I'm sorry, you're all on the wrong track. The one who made the supreme sacrifice that enabled our salvation was not Frodo or even Gollum, but Boromir. If not for Boromir, Frodo and Sam would have stayed with the Company and dicked around endlessly until Sauron gobbled them up. And if Merry and Pippin had not been captured, then Saruman would not have been at the door of Bad End to welcome Frodo home.

Just as Judas is the true Savior who not only gave his life but is burning in Hell at this moment so that Jesus could save us, Boromir gave up his life and his stewardship of Gondor so Frodo could luck out when Gollum fell into... okay, sorry....

FrodoSaves said...

Oolong,

I've never conversed with a type of tea before. Please give my regards to Earl Grey. If he's looking for his wife, please tell him I'm not finished with her yet.

Your frequent claims of Merry and Pippin's growth being examples of evolution concern me greatly. Clearly you have not thought about the implications of this reasoning, for it is always valid and not fallacious at all to argue from the consequences. If Merry and Pippin were evolving, then this would imply that they were 'higher' life forms than the Lord Frodo, because as we all know, evolution is linear and being at the top implies moral virtue. Yes, I have this atheist Thinking nonsense pegged.

The sacred text contains different sorts of truth; literal and symbolic. I'm sure even you'll admit that when Aragorn calls Samwise "the salt of the earth", he doesn't mean it literally, but poetically.

You are mistaken. The two types of truth found in the Sacred Text are literal and cliché-based. Aragorn calling Sam 'the salt of the earth' was clearly an example of the latter, and a demonstration of his clairvoyance in predicting the penning of excellent acoustic tracks by Keith Richards. Last track on Beggars Banquet. Excellent album, truly excellent.

Except for that whole inspired-by-Sauron thing. Shame about that.

As for your watered down 'Church of Hobbiton' malarkey, you would do well to remember it was the hobbits' laziness and short memory which caused them to grow fat and sedentary, allowing the evil in the East to grow unchecked. Don't believe in Mordor? That's akin to disbelieving in Frodo's sacrifice.

Do you know which path you tread?

[cue obligatory insult about running to your mama, crying, being a dipshit, and/or pissing your pants]

-----

Zilch,

You raise a good point, but remember, there is a finite amount of glory to be had, and any you attribute to Boromir you deny Frodo.

Oolon Colluphid said...

Type of tea? I'm a renowned liberal atheologian and "sea of faith" head, not "tea of faith"!

My published works include:

"Where God went wrong"
"Some More of God's Greatest Mistakes"
"Who Is This God Person Anyway?"
"Well, That About Wraps It Up For God"

Put that in your pipe and smoke it!

FrodoSaves said...

Put that in your pipe and smoke it!

Its acrid odor will have nothing on South Farthing pipe weed!

Also, you should have stuck with a trilogy. They sell better.

Oolon Colluphid said...

It is a trilogy, but a trilogy in four parts (don't try and work this out; it's like the mystery of the trinity). When my upcoming fifth part is published it will bring yet another new meaning to the word trilogy.

PJ Grasping said...

FrodoSaves: “If it wasn't for your enlightened wit as sharp as Sting, I would be distracted by your erotic rabbit cleavage.”

Frodo teaches us that women are vile and despicable creatures, and that it is wrong to lust after their flesh. However there is nothing in the sacred texts that expressly forbids the celebration of the human female body as long as the wicked, scheming head has been replaced by a dumb, loyal animal that would never lead you on with honeyed words of kindness and then end up sleeping with someone called Kyle on your five-and-a-half-week anniversary.

PJ Grasping said...

You know the "Kyles" of the world - idiot tennis instructors who don't even know what a Common Tongue lexicon is and haven't got a degree or anything.

Stupid Kyle and his stupid BMW.

I'll show them both when I'm a famous academic, and then everyone will know that I have an adequately sized penis.

PJ Grasping said...

I meant of course, "The most famous academic in the known universe" - I mean, I'm definitely in the top five.

PJ Grasping said...

Oooh-er-missus-“stupid idiot”-Colluphid said:There were no transitional forms, Merry and Pippin's evolution was an example of punctuated equilibrium!

Still you dribble on, much like the faulty sphincter of an aging queen. If you knew anything about what I believe then you’d know that I am a young-middle-earth agnostic. My doctorate is not in geology so I can’t be expected to present a valid argument to back up my geological beliefs. I’d end up looking like a fucking idiot!

I shall forward your statement to my good friend Roy Cozy and we shall see whether he has the time and inclination to comment. Chances are, his trained eye will give it a cursory flick before he collapses in unstoppable paroxysms of hysterical laughter due to your innate idiocy.

There's a fourth possibility that you've overlooked. The sacred text contains different sorts of truth; literal and symbolic. I'm sure even you'll admit that when Aragorn calls Samwise "the salt of the earth", he doesn't mean it literally, but poetically.

Yet more translatory ignorance from the little atheist that couldn’t. The Common Tongue root from which the translation “salt” is derived could actually mean over seventeen thousand phrases, one of which is “simple but lovable hobbit-servant”. When we re-textualize we find that Aragorn actually said “Samwise you are a simple but lovable hobbit-servant of the earth”. This also fits in with what we know about Samwise loving soil – why, Galadriel even gave him a box of earth as a gift!

Grasped again, IFFA.

PJ Grasping said...

Dear Rabbi Grasping-
I was wondering.
What does Frodology teach about coarse language and blasphemy?


A swear in time saves nine, by Christ!

There is nothing in the sacred texts that prohibits alcohol. However, any form of crimesin commited under the influence is, by definition, crimesin.

Well, I'm done trouncing IFFAs for now. I'll be around.

In Frodo

PJ

Dani' El said...

Shalom Rabbi(t) Grasping,

We know that you are wise; surely the most knowledgable sage on this side of the room.

Is it forbidden in Torah to intermarry with Orcs?

At what age should a Hobbit be circumcised? I mean c'mon!
We have so little to spare!

Baruch Ha Frodo al Moshiach,
Dani' El the Leper

FrodoSaves said...

Oolon,

When my upcoming fifth part is published it will bring yet another new meaning to the word trilogy.

I've heard some have had success by sneaking in a prequel or three.

-----

PJ,

I meant of course, "The most famous academic in the known universe" - I mean, I'm definitely in the top five.

Did you mean top five academics with degrees in Library Science? Because those five definitely intersect with the top 600 academics with degrees in non-science sciences, and easily slot into the top 812,032 academics still waiting for acknowledgment from academics with real degrees.

-----

Dani,

It is not forbidden to intermarry with orcs, but you should be forewarned that they will always try to kill you. Some of our followers do actually prefer living with a partner constantly manacled and chained to the wall though, so there are upsides too.

Dani' El said...

Frodo,
As Rosh Yeshiva you must have an answer for this question anguishing my soul.

When in Ithilien, Golem catches a rabbit, but before Sam can make a stew, Golem (yes Golem) tears it with his teeth.
Torah forbids eating an animal torn by beasts and yet Sam and Frodo break Kashrut by eating it anyway!

Some have contended by doing so, Frodo was disqualified to be Moshiach!

What gives?

Baruch Ha Frodo al Moshiach,
Dani' El the leper.

FrodoSaves said...

Dani,

Gollum was no animal, but a former river person and companion of the hobbits. All of your questions will be answered soon.

Semper Frodelis.

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This is beautiful satire. Thanks for the laugh!

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