PJ Grasping is the leader of the new wave of in-your-face apologists, defending the Frodological faith with what he calls “challenge-riposte”. This type of crass obnoxiousness is validated by several instances of righteous argumental dickery within the sacred texts – just look at the satirical nickname of Theoden’s wicked advisor – “Wormtongue”. Imagine how disgusting a man with a worm for a tongue would be. Imagine how upset the recipient of the insult would feel at the metaphorical implications! Yet when righteousness is faced with evil, it is only good and proper that we try to make the forces of evil look and feel like stupid fucking dipshits.
Mr Grasping has taken the time to answer some questions forwarded to us here at Frodology. Aces!
Q: Everybody knows that there is no such thing as a Wizard. The only references to Wizards that we have are in, like, really old books; and nobody who claims to be a Wizard will submit themselves to scientific testing. Therefore the sacred texts lied about the existence of Wizards – so how can we be sure that a race of so-called “Hobbits” ever really existed, let alone worship one?
A: Many things that we take for granted by today’s standards (televisions, aeroplanes and rocket ships that fly to the moon) would have been considered “magical” by the average layperson during the time that the sacred texts were written. I think it’s very reasonable to say that Gandalf and his ilk were actually very clever scientists (much cleverer than you or I). Therefore it would be incredibly silly to ask a master scientist to be tested scientifically… chances are he’d end up testing the scientists instead!
Q: Many of the “magical” beings from Middle Earth conveniently sailed away to a mysterious, otherworldly destination at the end of the scriptures; thereby making it impossible to perform scientific analyses on their remains. Why should I believe that any of them existed in the first place?
A: We cannot imagine that which is inconceivable. Therefore the fact that we can imagine Wizards (master scientists), and Elves (the master race), means that their existence is conceivable. The burden of proof is on you to validate your unsubstantiated belief that Wizards and Elves have never existed. Try to do it without referencing the very Wizards and Elves you claim not to believe in! Ha, you’re laughable; and I am the king of challenge-riposte!
Q: Unlike Narnians under the reign of the usurper Miraz, the people of Middle Earth didn’t go to school. How can we trust anything that came from them as being historical fact when most of them couldn’t tell you the difference between their arse and their elbow?
A: I find it ironic that you will trust the Narnian sources when compiling an argument about how the Middle Earth sources are unreliable. You’re such a hypocrite. Besides, my doctorate isn’t in arses and elbows – go and bother someone else with your silly question, idiot-face fundy atheist.
Anyone else dare to take me, the undisputed king of Frodological exegesis on? I can save 90% of you the time by telling you that you’re fucking idiots!
Of course no article from PJ Grasping would be complete without one of his signature cartoons:
"I Zap Fundy Atheists", copyright Grasping 2009.