Friday, May 8, 2009

Marriage in the Way of Frodo

It’s becoming an all too common occurrence. Marriages that seemed destined to stand the test of time are crumbling and snapping - breaking and shattering – before eventually dissolving into the kind of toxic brew of hatred and regret that even Dr Pepper drinkers would sooner avoid. The world is changing, moving further away from the way of Frodo; and marriage has become the first casualty of these wicked Mordorian times.

Marriage was designed by Frodo as a way of stamping all of the fun out of sex. Fun detracts from suffering, and when people stop thinking about suffering they generally stop wishing for an afterlife. Frodo knew that if people stopped wishing for an afterlife, they’d stop being righteous because they no longer felt accountable to an absolute standard of morality. Unfortunately, people (being the dirty little fun-seekers that they are) started attempting to “spice up” their marriages. Couples discovered new ways of filling orifices. Dropping to your knees was no longer a guarantee that Frodo would be receiving some righteous prayer, and cries of “Oh Holy Frodo, YES!” were likely as not just people climaxing in glorious, impassioned frenzy rather than agreeing with glorious, impassioned scripture.

But guess what hippies? Sixties fun-time is over. The soaring divorce rate has proved that dirty sex involving bottoms and liquorice allsorts is not the foundation for a successful marriage. It’s time to go old-school – school like it used to be, not like now where they have illegal immigrant porn-stars teaching five year olds how to felch. I’m talking proper schools where you could say “blackboard” or “faggy faggy bum boy” without being called a racialist; and everyone knew their times tables, and respected their elders and rode into school on magical talking unicorns or flew in over the rainbow. Yeah, back to good old-fashioned basics.

Unfortunately ladies, the responsibility is yours to act like a proper wife. Believe it or not, your husband could get all the dirty-slut sex from anywhere he liked – your job as a wife is to provide the things he couldn’t get from a crack starved hooker: a clean living environment, satisfying meals and offspring that aren’t a massive disappointment. In one way, your wifely duties count as a “real job”; but in a different and much more important way they count for shit-all in comparison to what he does for you. Why not show your appreciation once in a while? There’s nothing a man likes better after a hard day’s work than a triple-steak sandwich and considerate silence from his spouse. Leave the remote control by his chair, and silently slip away until he’s sufficiently relaxed enough to hear you nag away about your day…

Just a couple of ideas there. I invite other Frodologists who are either married or know of at least one married couple (and therefore fully understand the delicate intricacies of co-dependent relationships) to contribute their “secrets to a happy marriage”.

FBWY

13 comments:

Kerri Love said...

More words of wisdom from the following of the Frodo.

My man perfers a nice foot rub and the fact that I am not a nag helps too :)

Dani' El said...

"Sex is boring hippy shite, sluuuuuuurpin!"
-Johnny Rotten

freddies_dead said...

If you can add beer and a blow job (not personally of course) to that steak sandwich then I'm converted...

Postman said...

It's been my experience that the words, "You're just like your mother," can smooth over any marital difficulties. I suggest everyone try it.

ExPatMatt said...

Along with Postman's excellent suggestion, I recommend telling your spouse how attractive her hot friends are - she'll appreciate your honesty...

PersonalFailure said...

"why don't you cook/clean/baby me like my mother" is another good one. try it out tonight!

Rita said...

ARRRRGH!

CodewordConduit said...

My ex said on one occasion:

"You're problem Sarah is thinking that we're equals."

No wonder our relationship failed! I was spending far too much time demanding respect, time that would have been better spent making full English breakfasts or ironing his shirts.

Thank Frodo that I converted and now know the true route to relationship happiness. Problem is, I can't get back with him now, he isn't a Frodologist! I keep trying to get him to watch LOTR in the hope that he'll see the light.

Pray for him, he was clearly the best thing that ever happened to me!

Dani' El said...

So help me understand this CC.
You wanted equality with a slug?

Seems you set the bar pretty low for yourself. ;)

That's one case where Supremacism is warranted.

remigius said...

Er. Yeah CodewordConduit.

You hang in there girl. Surely the best thing that happened to you was you!

Just be the best you can be. Bollocks to everyone else.

PS I like my shirts with the double crease down the back and my FULL ENGLISH BREAKFAST with beans and plum tomatoes.

Chin up eh!

Lorena said...

It's been my experience that the words, "You're just like your mother," can smooth over any marital difficulties. I suggest everyone try it.--

Geez, are you sure, Postie? I tell my husband that much all the time, and it ain't working.

Worse, yet, he is a Frodologist already, so I don't know what else to do.

yunshui said...

The secret to a happy marriage is to find ways in which you and your partner complement one another. For example: Wifeshui is good at baking cake. I am good at eating cake. As a result, it is self-evident that we are perfect for one another, as my burgeoning waistline will attest.

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