It’s becoming an all too common occurrence. Marriages that seemed destined to stand the test of time are crumbling and snapping - breaking and shattering – before eventually dissolving into the kind of toxic brew of hatred and regret that even Dr Pepper drinkers would sooner avoid. The world is changing, moving further away from the way of Frodo; and marriage has become the first casualty of these wicked Mordorian times.
Marriage was designed by Frodo as a way of stamping all of the fun out of sex. Fun detracts from suffering, and when people stop thinking about suffering they generally stop wishing for an afterlife. Frodo knew that if people stopped wishing for an afterlife, they’d stop being righteous because they no longer felt accountable to an absolute standard of morality. Unfortunately, people (being the dirty little fun-seekers that they are) started attempting to “spice up” their marriages. Couples discovered new ways of filling orifices. Dropping to your knees was no longer a guarantee that Frodo would be receiving some righteous prayer, and cries of “Oh Holy Frodo, YES!” were likely as not just people climaxing in glorious, impassioned frenzy rather than agreeing with glorious, impassioned scripture.
But guess what hippies? Sixties fun-time is over. The soaring divorce rate has proved that dirty sex involving bottoms and liquorice allsorts is not the foundation for a successful marriage. It’s time to go old-school – school like it used to be, not like now where they have illegal immigrant porn-stars teaching five year olds how to felch. I’m talking proper schools where you could say “blackboard” or “faggy faggy bum boy” without being called a racialist; and everyone knew their times tables, and respected their elders and rode into school on magical talking unicorns or flew in over the rainbow. Yeah, back to good old-fashioned basics.
Unfortunately ladies, the responsibility is yours to act like a proper wife. Believe it or not, your husband could get all the dirty-slut sex from anywhere he liked – your job as a wife is to provide the things he couldn’t get from a crack starved hooker: a clean living environment, satisfying meals and offspring that aren’t a massive disappointment. In one way, your wifely duties count as a “real job”; but in a different and much more important way they count for shit-all in comparison to what he does for you. Why not show your appreciation once in a while? There’s nothing a man likes better after a hard day’s work than a triple-steak sandwich and considerate silence from his spouse. Leave the remote control by his chair, and silently slip away until he’s sufficiently relaxed enough to hear you nag away about your day…
Just a couple of ideas there. I invite other Frodologists who are either married or know of at least one married couple (and therefore fully understand the delicate intricacies of co-dependent relationships) to contribute their “secrets to a happy marriage”.