Friday, February 27, 2009

Ten Ways to Stay Pure with Frodo

This inspiring piece of applied theology was written in a flurry of literary genius by the always thoughtful CodewordConduit. Her blog, Reflections of the Damned, is a lively place for engaging debate between thinkers of all stripes and, I've recently discovered, nothing to do with beavers.

By Frodo Sexologist Dr CWC FRhd  

We all know that Frodo Saves. But did you know that “Frodo Saves” actually means “Frodo thinks it’s great when someone Saves themselves for marriage”? (“A Ring Worth Waiting For - a Frodological exegesis of the Gnostic volumes” 1997 edition – Dr CWC et al.)

The Dark Lord Sauron actually grows a little bit taller whenever anybody has sex outside of marriage (sex outside of marriage = every orgasm achieved by a man, and every sinful, seductive behaviour of a woman that leads a man to behave impurely – women, of course are incapable of having orgasms). Just imagine, if he grew tall enough he could see you without his magical eye - and make scarves out of clouds. This is why he created the One Ring – as a way of scaring people out of marriage. After all, as Middle Earth tradition has it, all wedding rings must be found in river beds or dark caves but never made. His devious plan was to hide the One Ring in such a manner that nobody would be sure whether their wedding day would be completely destroyed by the arrival of Ringwraiths and ensuing bloodshed and slaughter.

We now know that Frodo actually destroyed the One Ring (via the impossibility of the contrary), but as the Dark Lord can never be fully destroyed we must be ever watchful. Reports have been coming in of an unidentified, invisible, magical Lord (who cannot be named for legal reasons) terrorizing a school full of pubescent wizards and witches, somewhere secret in England. If we believe these claims (which we should, because we have no evidence whatsoever that the events described never happened) then we must be ever vigilant in curtailing our premarital sexual desires. At the moment it is estimated that he is probably the size of the smallest seed in the world – I’m talking about the mustard seed of course.

As an expert sexologist I have compiled a list of activities that may help to diminish your libido in times of temptation. They are aimed specifically at men, because women cannot change their inherent sinfulness; which is why they should wear their potato sack with eye-slit at all times – and never do or say anything that hasn’t been commanded by their husband or a male relative. If a woman breaks this one and only rule then she must, by law, become an Entwife and spend the rest of her days having sex with talking tree creatures, until she is cast into the wilderness to be forgotten. So it is written. You may be wondering why I, as a woman, can dispense this advice. The answer is incredibly simple, I am a post-op transsexual.

Instead of thinking lustful thoughts, try out these activities:

1)      List every time that your parents broke a promise to you.

2)      Make a tiny boat for an imaginary mouse using household items.

3)      Alphabetize your shoes.

4)      Draw a picture of a house that you might like to live in someday.

5)      Ask a grandparent to tell you what they could buy for a dollar when they were young.

6)      Make a list of American words that have different British counterparts.

7)      Think about hurtful lies that you have told.

8)      Challenge a buddy to a game of “Guess Which Former Soviet State I’m Thinking About”

9)      Imagine that you are on Death Row and are about to have your last meal. What would you choose and why?

10)  Spend the afternoon wearing a blindfold and tasting various different colas.                   Make a little scoring chart and show it to your friends.


That’s all for now Frodo Fans. Stay pure and Frodo Be With You!

Thursday, February 26, 2009

The Guide to Frodo-Sanctioned Sexuality

Our third Sex Week instalment is brought to you by Filliam, a name whose anagram could be 'ail MILF', or 'I am fill'. Interestingly, netiher of those make sense. Please enjoy this guide, the subheading of which should probably be "keeping your dong where it belongs", marvel at the author's impressive knowledge of Frodological scripture, and always ask yourself "why am I a bad person?" You may have the answer by the end of this article.

As previously mentioned in the FAQ, Frodo teaches that we should follow love where we find it. But is it really that simple? Of course not! There are many kinds of love; romantic, platonic, familial, ...um, that sums it up quite nicely. Which love was Frodo referring to? All of them! Frodo's word is all-encompassing, and as such each word is in fact worth thousands of words. Follow love? Absolutely! But how far? Should every Hanson fan have followed them through their most recent tour? Likely not. That kind of devotion is for the craz-, er, the devoted. The point is you should follow love, but only as far as Frodo tells you. In celebration of Sex Week here at Frodology, we've put together this trusty guide to sexuality, the Frodo-approved way.

Before marriage: Abstinence! According to most false religions, this is the holy path until marriage, whereupon it becomes a mechanism to deprive whichever false god of future disciples. This is yet another example of other religions blatantly plagiarizing Frodo's Word. Abstinence (before marriage) is indeed the Path to Heaven; it is good clean fun, involving little of life's most corrupting factor, namely: fun. This has been difficult for many (Bristol Palin recently publicly declared it was "unrealistic"), but if Frodo doesn't require sacrifice from his disciples, how would we prove our devotion? There's been much talk in Christian teen quarters of what implies a loss of viriginity: "what if we just kiss?" "What if we kiss with our mouths open?" "What if I were to...let's say "use" my hand, but I used the fingers wearing my chastity ring?" "What if I were to purchase an extremely large chastity ring, and place it...elsewhere? Surely god will provide all the protection I need?"

No, he will not; fake gods can't protect you, and Frodo can't be bothered to pay attention to someone wearing an overpriced piece of jewelry, especially when the money's not going to him. In doing any of the above, you have breached the lady's Gates of Mordor. Yes, even the kissing. Women are fragile, and the gate is metaphorical. Luckily, as a man you can simply make sure to send your progeny on a Nission (1 Nission per transgression, please; no substitutes) and all will be forgiven. Oh wait, you're the woman? So very sorry, because all children belong entirely to the father, you're damned to eternal hell. You're both women? See previous and square it (isn't math fun!). You're both men? Not possible; in the eyes of Frodo one of you is now a woman (you'll find out which when you die!). And ladies, I was lying about being sorry. Harlots.

Let's say you manage to keep it in your pants, meet a fellow Frollower, and come to the mutual decision1 to enter into marriage. Congratulations! Sex is now heartily encouraged, so long as it's done for the right reasons. That is, to bring more Frollowers into the world2. So get to it! Every night without fail, more than once if you can.

[An aside to the ladies: don't worry; your husbands have thus far led lives of complete sexual deprivation, so they won't take long. Just shut your eyes, and think of Orlando Bloom as Legolas. It is your solemn duty to Frodo, and let's be honest; preternaturally clean elves are dreamy.]

What's this you say? This daily ritual has become a bit of a chore? Torturous, even? Well done, you are now doing it right. All those times you enjoyed it, you were sinning. Don't you ever, ever enjoy it again. Enjoying your sexuality is downright blasphemous3.

So go forth! Enjoy (but don't) your sin-free sexuality. You are now equipped with the knowledge you need to preserve your soul4.




  1. In as much as a woman can ever make a decision.
  2. Male Frollowers preferred. At the very least, fertile females. The infertile ones can be trained in the beliefs of alternative religions; this is called a White Elephant gift.
  3. This is especially true for women, and ugly people.
  4. No no, we've been through this; if you're a woman, your soul is already screwed. Keep up.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

And that's when it came off in my hand...

Sex week continues with this post by a notable follower of Thinky, the atheist brain-god . Yunshui, of Right to Think, is an excellent writter with a keen wit. Irreverent, sharp observations about religion (in its many obscure forms) are accompanied with book reviews and periodic updates of the always-hilarious World's Most Accurate Horoscope. 

It’s a commonly held point of view amongst Frodologists that the hand of Frodo is evident in the amazing and intricate designs found in Nature. As we look at the world around us, can we do other than marvel at the architect whose genius wrought such beautiful things as butterflies and sheep? Some would point to the guineaworm, the tsetse fly or that little fish that swims up your piss as evidence of malice in Frodo’s plans, but they can be easily discounted as early test models, or maybe aberrations caused by too many heavy nights at the Green Dragon. Or maybe Frodo just hates Africa. It is quite hot there, after all.

The most obvious way in which Frodo’s ineffable goodness is demonstrated in the world is the invention of sex, surely the best thing two people can do together without any specialised equipment. It can also be the best thing they can do together with specialised equipment, or even unspecialised equipment and a good imagination. One has to wonder what humanity did to procreate before Frodo introduced the concept of a damn good boinking (within the confines of holy matrimony, of course). I imagine we reproduced by budding, in a similar way to Ash in Army Of Darkness. This could have caused no end of complicated paternity suits, since everyone would have been an exact genetic clone of everyone else. Legal chaos would have ensued – how would inheritance taxation have worked, for example? In His wisdom, Frodo intervened by introducing the idea of bumping uglies to make babies, and since then life has been sweet, at least for the male of the species.

Problems occur when hobbits try to mate with Big People, and thus Frodo shows us that such activities are designed to be performed only by man and wife (or dog and cat). Devotees of Thinky might point out that the pleasures of intercourse in fact encourage such extra-marital Hobbit/Human relations, but the joys of ejaculation are (when not twisted by atheists) actually intended only to hasten the marriage process. After all, once you discover that getting your rocks off is probably the most ass-kicking thing you can do with your time, you’re going to want it on tap, right?

Thus, the intense, sticky bliss of orgasm serves as proof of both Frodo’s divine design (although hanging the nuts on the outside may have been an oversight) and the sanctity of marriage. Praise be to Frodo!

Now where did I put my wife?

Monday, February 23, 2009

Dear Margaret, it's me, God

Sex Week kicks off with a post by Christians Scare the Bejesus Out of Me, a long time reader who is understandably frightened of Christians.

39 years ago, 12-year old Margaret Simon wrote a
very public letter to God. In fact, it became a best-selling book. Annoyed that she felt herself more important than a mortal who might pray quietly for her wretched adolescent problems, God is only now getting around to his response.

Dear Margaret,

It's me God. 1970 it was that you wrote to me. I thought a bit of the cold shoulder would straighten you out, all those pre-pubescent sex-crazed tendencies and whatnot. Vile. Anyway, I plain forgot about you. Used to be that I'd catch up on my correspondence of an evening. I had some rather delightful embossed stationary, very pretty, and it was an absolute riot to send churlish missives here and there. Then I got cable and this network called Showtime came with it, you see. Calamitous great fun, that! Those saucy Tudors up to no good and that devilish handsome Duchovny chap.

So with Showtime, heathens to smote and contraceptives to keep out of Africa, time just runs away. Anyway, that nice black man has a Blackberry so I decided to scrap the stationary and get with the program. It's uncanny this iPhone, ever so usable.

Where were we. Ah yes, 1970. For a little lightning-round of catch-up:
  1. As you're now aware, I'm a jealous God. You were, in chapters, meddling with a Jewish Yahweh of sorts. How dare you dabble!
  2. On to the bra stuffing, you little whore. Trying to "sex yourself up," were you? Your breasts were on their way. I had planned to finish off yet another mortal masterpiece with your boobs in good measure. Since you thought you knew better, I swapped the purchase order. DD-cups for Margaret Simon. They didn't really "work" with your figure, did they? Couldn't run five feet with those, could you? And they're pretty fucking saggy now, aren't they? Patience was a virtue you lacked. It was disappointing.
  3. Your period? You wrote to me about your period? That's disgusting, we men don't want to know. Then you did get it and you decided you didn't want it. A little consistency, woman. So what did you do? You started taking a blasphemous pill, every day before bed.

It was beginning to look at little "three strikes, you're out," Margaret. This before we've even addressed what you did once in bed (whore!) and under the bleachers the following summer (13? Seriously?).... Oh, you vexed me through those pre-teen years, Margaret.

Covered some ground, didn't you, with those Wright Marx Kennedy Righteous Smothers Blues Baldwin Esteves/Sheen Oasis Lawrence Hanson Jonas brothers?

Anyway, the above should illuminate why I made you choose a life of me-worship. "I heard God calling," you told everyone and you were right! I was ringing to say, "get the fuck over here, it's pay back time." So, Sister Margaret, today you're a struggling teacher to 100 coked-out Catholic school girls. Are we even?


It's tiresome work, isn't it, dealing with teenage girls? They're just so horny. You were such a head ache I thought you might like the perspective. Every painted nail should signal to you the devil's growing hold of your youthful charges. Wait 'til those little sluts get pregnant. You'll be down there flapping about with that ill-fitting habit and I'll be up here having a right giggle fit. Karma's a bitch, isn't it?

Must dash, Californication's on.
The "Big Man" on Campus

Friday, February 20, 2009

Mormons and the Utahraptor

Recent scientific discussion about the possibility of cloning a woolly mammoth has set imaginations alight, but the joyous possibility of throwing caution to the wind by tinkering with the genomes of extinct species is not placating everyone’s fears.

Some groups are understandably concerned about the ethics of bringing back creatures that were killed off in their entirety, either by nature, or the violent floodwaters of a vengeful God - so, again, nature. Others, like mathematician Ian Malcolm of Jurassic Park fame, are primarily worried about the consequences of reintroducing a foreign species into the global ecosystem, and secondarily keen to note that the lack of italics means that it’s a real place.

Mormons, predictably out of sync with the rest of society, are however worried about the implications should dinosaurs return for a second round on Earth. Indeed, as it turns out, one in particular - Utahraptor ostrommaysi – features prominently in Mormon lore, and they have no wish to see it return. 

The Utahraptor, thought to have first been discovered in 1991 in the Cedar Mountains of Utah, was heralded as a great find by the scientific community. Scientists quickly became aware of its awesome ferocity after it stole the italics of the novel it featured in while refusing to become a work of fiction in return. Its classification was welcomed as filling a void in evolutionary theory between the turkey-like scariness of Velociraptor and the holy-fucking-shit-is-that-thing-real scariness of the aptly named Giganotosaurus.

According to their own endearing historical opinions, however, Mormons believe that Utahraptors were extant in the American West when they first settled the area in the 19th Century. While this might strike some readers as laughable, one imagines that the threat becomes much more credible as one’s gullibility approaches the Mormon threshold.

It's science!

Rather than merely being amused bystanders like the rest of us as the Mormons went about setting up their fun new religion, Utahraptors were frequently openly antagonistic, to the point of nearly eating the whole lot. Apparently, early Mormons were so unwitting that they frequently did not realize they were being hunted and preyed upon. Scientists now believe that the Utahraptor was especially good at leading its quarry into a false sense of security, often toying with them and giving them false hopes of imminent salvation, before brutally finishing them off. On one occasion, a Utahraptor was even convicted of bank fraud – ok, maybe that's far enough with the allegory.

What killed off the Utahraptor remains unclear. In any case, Salt Lake City is dizzy with fear at the prospect of its return. A worried resident voiced her concerns to Frodology that “if just a single scientist prays for the raptor’s resurrection, we’re screwed.” Affirming that this is indeed how science works, she added “I got learned about it at school.”



It's history!

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

A conversion guide for Christians

Christianity has long been a jumping off point for those who want to explore other, more alternative faiths. Like the way you might prepare for a trip to Vegas by going to Reno, and a trip to Hell by going Vegas, many Christians are only on their way to another religion. 

See that guy in the back with his smarmy grin and moist palms? Future Scientologist. And the gullible one reading Genesis like it's a newspaper? A Mormon, just passing through. And the rest of the congregation? Eagerly anticipating the trip to Heaven. In any case, it’s clear that Frodology is on the up and up, and Christianity is furnishing the Faith with its greatest source of converts.

But how easy is it to convert? After reading this handy little guide, you’ll see that it’s as easy as pie! Wait… what? 


Telling your family and friends

Most would-be Frodologists are chiefly worried about telling their bigoted loved ones of their conversion, for fear of rejection, disownment, or worse still, being prayed for. If this is applies to you, well don’t worry too much, because they’re all going to Hell anyway!

I’m joking of course – actually I’m not – but seriously, breaking the news to your family can be difficult, which is why, above all, I urge you to be tactical and practical. A little T&P. A teepee, if you have trouble remembering it. Some of you are probably expecting a racist joke right about now. That’s because racism is funny. Where was I?

Oh yes, breaking the news. Many new converts have reported great success with diversionary tactics. Perhaps the following mock conversation between new Frodology convert Ben and his Christian Dad will inspire you:

Ben: Christian Dad, I have something to tell you…

Dad: What is it, Christian son?

Ben: Well, I’m not a Christian anymore.

Dad: What?! Are you rejecting the Lord Jesus Christ as your savior?!!

Ben: Um, no, no. I’m kidding, I just wanted to see how you’d react. I’m actually gay.

Dad: What?! That’s much worse! You little sodomite, I’ll beat it out of you, so help me God!

Ben: No, please, put your cane down! I’m joking again! Actually I was serious the first time. I’m no longer a Christian.

Dad: Oh, well that’s not so bad, so long as you’re not a queer.

Ben: I knew you’d understand. I really am gay though.


What should I do with my Bible?

While this may not have occurred while you were still a Christian, it’s probably now safe to read it. Most new converts have a hard time believing what it actually contains: slavery, infanticide, and plenty of good, old fashioned misogyny. If it wasn’t for all the dreary moralizing and lack of a believable protagonist, it might even give The Lord of the Rings a run for its money.

Once you’ve finished it, feel free to give it away to charity, because as we all know, what the poor need is another hollow-promise substitute for their ballooning income disparity and growing pack of ratty children. Before you do pass it on, make sure to have a bit of fun by adding your own Biblical books. Try the following for inspiration:

The Book of Truisms, 7:13

“And the LORD sayeth, ‘as two wrongs maketh not a right, thou shalt make love, not war, for verily sharing is caring. For the fool fights fire with fire, and laments in his heart, I have been to paradise, but I’ve never been to me’.”

Crustaceans, 5:17

“And He went forth amongst the people of Crustacea, and He remarked to them ‘what spindly legs thou hast, and what skill at scuttling sideways.’ And the people responded ‘all the better to run from thee, O Lord!’”

Fermentations, 2:4

“God saw the foamy head, and declared that it was good. For God so loved the world, He gave unto them His only begotten ale. And He told the people, ‘go forth and be wasted’.”


Can I still be good?

Many Christians are understandably worried that by losing their connection to God, they’ll become immoral drifters in a world gone awry. It’s important to remember however that as a Christian, you were never really ‘good’ anyway. Had you actually read your Bible, you would have discovered that the God you worshiped so dearly held you in the highest contempt. His exacting standard is such that, while you might have scraped by in society without committing any crimes, you weren’t about to get into Heaven without an anabolic amount of prayer.

So rather than still being good, you might be pleased to find out that you can finally be good.


Do I still have to let Uncle Bobby touch me?

That depends on the reason for the touching. If your molestation has a secular cause, such as Uncle Bobby being habitually drunk, retarded, or from Alabama (i.e. both), then your conversion will not affect it, and you're going to have to let the touching continue. If, however, Uncle Bobby is an ordained religious official, then you're in luck! Once you become a Frodologist, you no longer have to tolerate it to preserve the integrity of your former religion. 


Special advice for Catholics

If you’re a Catholic, we understand that you will find it hard to live a guiltless life, and we don’t recommend going cold turkey. We offer a series of seminars to help you through the transition, providing a weekly fix of guilt until you can be weaned off it entirely. New Frodologist convert Wendy Flynn had this to say: 

“My favorite part was reenacting communion, where everyone gets up to receive the bread and wine. Then the seminar leader, who plays the priest, lays into everybody in a cold fury to make us all feel guilty for receiving salvation. He kept yelling ‘You tink the Laard likes giving himself up every week so you twits can keep up yer sinning?’ It was just like being a Catholic again, it felt so good!


Why are you exploiting me and my soul for comedic effect?

Don't worry, it's not real.


So if you're a Christian on your way to another faith, you might as well make the journey count. That's why we're proud to welcome back into the fold the best-selling author of Escaping Frodology, whose revised 2nd edition will be completed with all the glee of mandatory contractual fulfilment she can muster. As thrilled as she is to be reunited with her children, we bet she's even happier to know her soul is in good hands!

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Next week is Sex Week - Guest authors!

Dear reader,

We at Frodology have belatedly learned that sex sells. I say 'belatedly' because, unfortunately, Valentine's Day has come and gone, just like the thousands of men who successfully took advantage of lonely, aging women on Saturday night. I also say 'belatedly' because it sounds kind of like 'retardedly', which is thoroughly amusing.

Moving along. Next week at Frodology will be Sex Week, and we have a series of exciting, sexy articles coming your way. Since sex isn't something you usually do alone, Frodology is running with this theme and sending out a general invitation for guest authors who want to try their hand at proselytzing for Frodo.

It is thus with great pride that we announce that CodewordConduit of Reflections of the Damned (I think it has something to do with beavers, but frankly it's totally over my head) has already taken up the baton and will be making an appearance here next week. We are giddily excited to see what she comes up with.

Who else wants to bring the Word of Frodo to the heathen?

Yours expectantly,

FrodoSaves

PS - hang around long enough and you might even discover the secret behind why lonely cult leaders feel the perpetual need to talk in the first person plural!

Sunday, February 15, 2009

Frodologist Founding Fathers – Special President’s Day edition!

As we celebrate the birth of the first man to get away with owning slaves while running the United States, it is important to remember not to believe everything you read. There are certain myths pervading American folklore about the Founding Fathers, and today seems like the perfect opportunity to add to the canon by dispelling them. Or, wait, what?


Part I - Filthy, backstabbing, unpatriotic heathens

General George Washington

It is generally accepted that the nation’s first president was a worthy general, but whoever accepts that is a total idiot. Let us reexamine the circumstances under which the General secured victory over Great Britain.

  1. Washington won on home ground. Sports fans know that it is much harder to win an away game than it is a home game. Maybe it has something to do with the feel of the grass, or maybe it’s the different atmosphere. It could even be the racial slurs and unbearably ugly foreign spectators. Sports fans also know that nothing riles a sports fan like the allegation that he’s not a true sports fan. With that in mind, all true sports fans know that Washington’s victory would have been much more sensational had he beat the British in, say, Britain.
  2. Washington cheated. Rebels admire other rebels who don’t play by the rules, but only when it leads them to a poetic, early death. Had James Dean gone on to vanquish conservative American values, his place would not be in our hearts, but on Hollywood Squares. So by all means, hide in the woods like a pansy, but make sure you’re not around after the battle to answer probing questions like “why couldn’t you fight like a man?”
  3. Washington prayed. By 18th Century rules of war, clashing armies were forbidden from praying for victory due to the unfair advantage it gave them on the battlefield. Since it is well known that God cannot choose between conflicting prayers, he answers those who beseech his Grace first. Since Britain’s General Cornwallis was a pacifist Quaker, we know that he would not have prayed for victory, and as such, was unfairly handicapped by Washington’s backstabbing.

In consequence, Frodologists are proud not to count General Washington amongst their numbers.

 

James Madison

While contemporary evidence indicates that James Madison, the 4th President of the United States, may have started life as a Frodologist, historians interpret several events as confirming his fall from Frodo’s Graces.

The first was Madison’s marriage to his wife Dolley. Scholars believe that Frodo was foremost angry with her porn star-like name, and only got madder when she proceeded to name their three children Traci, Trixi, and Trish. Second, Madison arguably failed in his role as defender of the country when he allowed Brits and Canadians to march into the nation’s capital and burn it down. After this, historians believe that Frodo became bored with Presidents, much like the world stopped caring about moon landings after Apollo 11.

 

Thomas Jefferson

Thomas Jefferson, the nation’s 3rd President, is often hailed for his contributions to the Declaration of Independence and the growth of the United States. Yet his achievements warrant a more sober assessment.

First, he is widely credited with declaring that all men are created equal, and yet hypocritically owned slaves and failed to secure the freedoms of ethnic and sexual minorities within the US. Clearly, if he had declared that white men are created equal and everyone else can fend for themselves, he would have saved the country centuries of bitter disagreement and a civil war. Nice job, Jefferson.

Second, it was Jefferson who engineered the Louisiana Purchase, an allegedly excellent deal in which the US acquired 828,000 square miles of land in consideration of $15,000,000 to France. The total area purchased extends from most of present day Montana all the way to New Orleans. A shrewd deal, certainly, and yet historians forget one crucial thing: Americans probably would’ve just taken it anyway. For free. This is doubly so since the only things that would have been standing in their way were the French, a people renowned for taking naughty photos into battle instead of guns.

Plus, imagine how many more slaves Jefferson could have bought with $15 million.

 

Part II - Founding Fathers who were Frodologists

Abigail Adams

The only first lady to be counted as a Frodologist Founding Fatheress, Abigail Adams would likely have been looked over had it not been for the dispelling of her husband John Adams. It is said that when the Continental Congress convened to draft the Declaration of Independence, he responded to Jefferson’s request that Adams write the document by saying, “you can write ten times better than I can.” Since Frodologist historians agree that this sounds like the kind of thing a twelve year old would say, Adams is thought to have been too ignorant to worship Frodo.

Abigail had an excellent sense of humor, campaigning for the abolition of slavery and emancipation of women all the while knowing that the accomplishment of these lofty goals was decades away at best.  Certainly an erudite woman, she also recognized that she was no looker, and is praised by Frodologists for imposing neither of these vices upon her husband.


Benjamin Franklin

Ben Franklin had a keen respect for the sciences, which is something Frodologists can always relate to, especially as we believe he had no idea what he was doing. Franklin is said to have invented the lightning rod, confirming once and for all that the sky gets angry when you jab a pole at it. Though many others tried his experiment and died from electrocution, the exercise was ultimately for the greater good, as it motivated scores of budding scientists to abandon flying kites in lightning storms, and instead simply to pull their desks away from the wall to find a power socket.

It’s of course fortunate that Franklin was such a prodigious inventor, because he also created the concept of “pay it forward”, a responsibility which would earn anyone else the wrath of thousands of disappointed moviegoers.

 

Alexander Hamilton

Among Frodologists, Alexander Hamilton is chiefly known for two things: founding the Mint, and duelling. This makes him some kind of Enlightenment playboy in our eyes, which is about as badass as it gets. Also, as his eldest son had been killed on the same spot three years prior to Hamilton’s duel with Burr, he demonstrates another key Frodologist virtue: refusing to learn from your mistakes. It’s why we keep praying century after century!

Of course, some criticize Hamilton for urging Congress to adopt legislation which taxed American producers of whiskey. Though whiskey distillers strongly opposed the measure, even to the extent of rebelling in 1794, it is thought that most were simply smart enough to drop the ‘e’ and call it whisky, thereby averting the tax.



Happy President's Day!

Misogyny Meter for this article, a mediocre 4/10, boosted slightly by a
Racism Rank of 5/10

Friday, February 13, 2009

Frodology the victim of religious satire?

All aboard the gravy train!

You can generally tell when your religion has made it by the number of satirists you spawn. Christianity has always greeted satirists with open arms, taking them as evidence of its superior foothold in the hearts of the masses. Christians are frequently as quick to laugh at their own expense as those making fun of them. They rarely ever take offense, and secure in their faith and their get out jail free cards come the Apocalypse, why should they? Even with thinly veiled parodies such as the Flying Spaghetti Monster and Fred Phelps’ Westboro Baptist Church, Christians never give the satirists cause to host a running list of hate mail, updated daily.

Some Christians are self-professed satire experts, though their authority is somewhat compromised by their apparent misunderstanding of the meaning of ‘satire’ and, possibly more important, taking Ben Stein seriously. Also, it's really not funny. Some satirize themselves, and some satirize the serious crazies whilst themselves being serious crazies.

The atheist brain-god Thinky has clearly been making headway recently, as sites in favor and against spring up almost daily. Confusingly dressed like each other, satirical supporters trick their earnest opponents into believing they oppose him too, while outraging other supporters unable to see through the trickery. It’s little wonder that scientists believe 50-60% of cases of high blood pressure in atheists are caused by them working themselves up. Parodies of Thinky range from the thinly veiled to the not veiled at all, the latter being a weak impersonation of Frodology fan Roy Cozy.


Get Cozy: at your local Blockbuster


It was with some degree of pride that Frodology became the victim of the parody religion Phrodology, allegedly based on the worship of a false Messiah, Phrodo. I think he might be Greek.

Officially of course we are outraged that someone might have the gall to satirize a character whose existence is largely determined by our faith in Him. If He suckles at the teat of our faith for His sustenance, then critics of our faith threaten His very existence! Would you knowingly harm someone who only wanted the best for you?

Secretly, however, we know that the Phrodologist satirists are just venting their own frustrations. As Frodologists well know, anyone professing disbelief in Frodo is, sadly, just the victim of Sauron’s manipulation. Regardless of the fact that they have not chosen to be tools of Sauron, Frodo shall hold them personally responsible for their lack of responsibility.

After all, someone has to take the fall for man’s crimesins. Why should Frodo take responsibility for needlessly creating the universe, man, sin, man’s inability to do aught but sin, His own sacrifice to cleanse man of his sin, and the extensive bureaucracy required to determine whether each newly dead man is sinless enough to enter Heaven, despite the fact that Frodo’s earlier sacrifice should have exculpated man and saved Himself from the paperwork?

This is of course not the first time Frodology has been satirized in its long history. Historians believe that, not two thousand years ago, the little known son of a Jewish carpenter from Jerusalem first found use for his idle hands in parodying the Messiah. Unfortunately as his fans’ adulation turned to worship, he began to take himself too seriously, and a real religion was born when his ego finally slew his better judgment, an event popularly parodied by Monty Python’s The Life of Brian.

More recently, Frodologists have had their ribs poked by the Mormon Church, a religion so uproariously silly in its beliefs that some 13.7 million people subscribe to its RSS feed. The liberal reference to gold artifacts in their church’s lore and fancy serif font in their official logo are of course so clichéd in their attempt to convey legitimacy that their status as a parody religion is all but guaranteed. Interestingly, the Latter Day Saints movement is the first example in history of a satirical religion claiming more members than the religion it satirizes.

So do not fear that Frodo has become a target; instead, rejoice that His Word is reaching the foothills of the mountains of heresy. Soon shall they come tumbling down. Let us finish on an appropriate psalm, from the Age of Frodo:

And Frodo sayeth
"Lo! I am rubber
And you are but glue.
Whatever thou sayest
bounceth of me
and doth adhere to you."
And then there's this.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

So you think you can reason...

If you're a human being of a certain age, chances are you think you can reason. I've considered breaking this to you gently, but decided it would only dilute my message. So:

Unless you believe in Frodo, you cannot reason.

I expect a proportion of my audience is thinking "but why?", and another is thinking "fuck this, I'ma watch me some UFC on my TiVo". But please, it's important that you hear me out for both (1) the salvation of your soul, and (2) the boost to my ego I get from thinking I'm right.

So, how do I know that you can't reason without belief in Frodo? Observe:

This probably looks like a cube to you.

It's not. It's actually four trapezoids, two triangles and a square.

Reason let you down, did it? Still feeling confident about your geometry? Unsure what this dubious exercise has to do with Frodo?

Frodo is the source of reason. We know this because we have rational thoughts, such as this very sentence, which is quite possibly the most rational thing you've ever read. Now, if this doesn't sit right with you, chances are it's because you don't believe in Frodo. Once you submit to the Will of Frodo, you will see the sense of it.

Of course, if you don't believe in Frodo, you won't be able to judge the rationality underpinning any of this, because as I've infallibly demonstrated, Frodo is the only source of logic. Don't believe me?

I'll prove it
(holy shit,  get a load of all this formatting!)

Now, you must agree that there is such thing as an absolute, universal, unchanging law. For example, torturing babies is never good. Unless it's that zombie baby from Dawn of the Dead, in which case, have at it. Man, that thing was creepy. I mean, we all knew it was coming, what with the pregnant mother getting bitten and all, but that only made it scarier. And then the black guy had to shoot it. Yeah, that's original - get the black guy to shoot it. Hmm, dead baby. Nasty. Where was I?

Absolute, universal, unchanging laws. Some people, mainly atheists, argue that there is no such thing as a universal, unchanging law. No such thing? Absolutely, no such thing? Absolutely, universally, unchangingly, no such thing? I really don't want to get any more shrill, so in case it's not obvious by now, I'd like to point out that I just proved the existence of universal laws through a paradox.

No, please, don't worship me. Oh alright, it was pretty clever, wasn't it? Well... *smug grin*

Now before you realize you're still completely unconvinced, let's move on to the next section.


Frequently Unanswered Questions

1. What the hell are you on? Don't you realize your logic is circular?

Yes, I do! However, a Frodologist's logic is protected from external criticism. Please consult this comparison table.


Tradtional apologeticsFrodological apologetics
  1. God exists
  2. Because the Bible is true
  3. And the Bible is true
  4. Because God tells us in the Bible that it's true
  1. Frodo tells us there are universal laws
  2. Which are only explicable by reference to Frodo
  3. Because he lets us arbitrarily refute other sources of such laws
  4. Because they're arbitrarily arrived at too
  5. And unless you reach the same arbitrary conclusion, your reasoning is fallacious
Circular argumentCircular argument only if you're not a Frodologist

2. You claim Frodo is the ultimate authority. Please demonstrate how this could be true.

Back to top.


3. Couldn't you use these arguments to prove other deities?

No, because you'd be infringing my patent.


4. How can you reason a fictional character into existence?

As John Lennon once sang,  "it's easy if you try". He was of course referring to something else, though I can't for the life of me remember what.


5. Why can't I take my own human reason as my own authority rather than Frodo's existence?

Because conclusions reached through human reason are purely arbitrary, unlawlike and vary from person to person. For example, you may think that 2+2=4, while your atheist friend might think 2+2=5. Since you're both heathen fucktards, the answer could be either. 2+2 could vary between the individual, and you'd have no way of discovering which was correct!


6. Wouldn't a calculator work?

It would, yes.


7. I'm getting '4'.

I guess it's 4 then.


8. If Frodo is omniscient and omnibenevolent, why is there suffering in the world?

Chances are it's not actually suffering. Despite what I said earlier about torturing babies being absolutely, universally, and unchangingly immoral, there must be a reason sufficiently good for Frodo to allow (or indeed perpetrate) it. Because if there isn't, I'd have to go back to the beginning and rework my definition of Frodo's as 'all good', and I've come too far dammit. Too far.


9. If Frodo is willing to bannish me to the perpetual fires of Hell for such a trifling thing as a single lie, doesn't that make Him a little malicious?

Think about it this way. If Frodo is willing to do that, what you did must have been pretty bad, right? It's similar to blacks being treated badly in the United States for a few centuries. No one knows why they deserved it, but ipso facto, they must have done!


10. Didn't you have to use your flawed, unreliable a-Frodological reasoning in order to arrive at the conclusion that you need Frodo to reason?

Actually I was born this way.


And that's it!

I trust you've found this useful. Your newfound ability to reason is a great tool, and possessing it entails serious responsibility. Please, use it wisely. But above all, have fun with it!

Misogyny Meter for this article, a sad 0/10 - but -
Racism Rank a respectable 8/10, thanks to two black jokes

Monday, February 9, 2009

New Jesus action figures!

A Frodologist correspondent, Katie White, recently caught up with the manufacturer of a new series of Jesus action figures, Ben Ryan, for an interview.

White: Mr. Ryan, your new line of Jesus action figures is drawing a lot of attention. What can you tell me about them?

Ryan: We prefer to call them 'collectibles'.

White: Right, collectibles. Same question.

Ryan: Well, they’re made of plastic. Polyethylene mostly. They stand about six inches high, and they make a nice addition to any home.

White: Sorry, perhaps I wasn’t clear. Your products seem to have sparked a lot of controversy. Could you tell me why you think that is?

Ryan: You mean about the drugs?

White: I, um, what? No, I mean about cheapening the value of a sincere religious figure.

Ryan: Cheap? Well, they will retail for $14.95, I think.

White: How can I phrase this? Since you started producing the Jesus figures, you’ve had a lot of problems. People, they, they don’t like what you are doing.

Ryan: …

White: Question mark.

Ryan: Ah, I see what you mean. Yes, some people think that to preserve the Christianity “brand”, Jesus should remain in churches and on billboards, so they don’t really like him being turned into a six inch plastic figure. He comes with accessories though, people always forget that.

White: What do you think the benefits of selling these figures will be over keeping him in his traditional home?

Ryan: Well this way, you can take him with you everywhere. It used to be if you prayed out loud down at the Coney Island, people’d think you’re weird. But if you take your Jesus along, people will know exactly what you’re doing.

White: You, um, mentioned drugs earlier.

Ryan: No I didn’t.

White: Yes you did, right before you told me the price.

Ryan: How much?

White: What?

Ryan: How much do you want for the drugs?

White: I’m not trying to sell you drugs. You just said you had a problem with them!

Ryan: Lady, believe me, everyone who touches drugs has a problem. My advice, stay way the hell clear of ‘em.

White: Uh huh… ok, well perhaps you could just tell me what the Jesus figures do?

Ryan: All kinds of things. They’ll hear your prayers, watch over you on the road, perform miracles – small ones – and one of our younger customers has reported wielding Autobot Jesus in a great victory over Voldemort, the Sheriff of Nottingham, and a pair of velociraptors. They’re fully articulate too.

White: You mean articulated? Like their limbs move?

Ryan: No, I mean articulate. Jesus is a very good speaker, if you just open your heart to him.

White: You mentioned accessories earlier. What do they include?

Ryan: That depends on which version you get. Currently we have six different types: in addition to Autobot Jesus, we have Lawn Mowing Jesus, Hot Dog Vendor Jesus, Dr. Alan Grant Jesus, vanilla Jesus, and Cinderella Jesus, although the last one is basically just Barbie with a beard.

White: Is ‘vanilla’ Jesus just the plain, standard, sandals-and-robe Jesus, from the Bible?

Ryan: Excuse me, no, I meant Vanilla Ice Jesus. He comes with parachute pants, a boom box, and a lawsuit filed against him by the estate of Freddy Mercury and the other members of Queen.

White: Wow, he sounds like quite a toy!

Ryan: Sorry, ‘toy’?

White: Yeah, the Jesus action figures. It sounds like he’s going to make a great toy.

Ryan: They’re not ‘toys’. They’re Jesuses. You know, a personal Messiah, a Savior.

White: Right, but he’s just a figure, a representation of the real Jesus, who was your Messiah and Savior.

Ryan: These are real Jesuses. [knocks one on the table]

White: I know they’re real, but they’re not the real Jesus as a person, are they?

Ryan: Oh yeah! That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you. With one of these figures, you get your own personal Jesus. You no longer have to share with everyone else. He listens to you, and only you. Every whim – bam! – catered for. Like having a leprechaun, all to yourself!

White: Wait… seriously?

Ryan: Yeah, what did you think I was selling?

White: Wow... um, never mind. Where can I get one? Can I pay you? Right now?


Click to enlarge


[Rest of interview missing]

Mrs. White is no longer employed with Frodology, nor will she be saved by Frodo come the Frodocalypse.

In other news, look out for new Frodo action figures at your closest Toys R US!

Friday, February 6, 2009

Misogyny – secretly, women like it

Everyone knows outraged feminists are just seeking attention, and who can blame them? By definition, the feminist is hideous. She is generally a frumpy creature, foul of disposition and ugly of face. Since the feminist is unable to look forward to the best part of any woman’s day – looking in the mirror and enjoying her easiness on the eye – one feels churlish if one does not sympathize.

And now for a segue. Ah, yes, here it is.

Frodology is often and unfairly the target of feminist criticism. Some take issue with our characterization of discrimination as justified and not actually discrimination at all if the woman on the receiving end deserves it. And as a woman, we can safely conclude that she does deserve it. 

Others object to the Faith’s strictures on women becoming priests, but they must understand that this policy has practical roots. The priesthood is a position of responsibility, and Faith authorities are unconvinced that women could earn the unwitting trust of choirboys as effectively as a gnarled old man.

Especially one with a charming Irish accent. They work a treat.

Even within our own lore, they say, we denigrate our women. What of Arwen, the elven princess who carries an injured Frodo to safety in her home of Rivendell? Fairly asked, but there are three crucial points to consider.

First of all, she was an elf, putting her comeliness far beyond the reaches of normal women. She is a succulent ear of corn to the pale stuff you find in cans. Second, it’s not clear her achievements much exceeded (1) riding a horse and (2) getting in the way. Third, in returning to Rivendell, historians have surmised that Arwen was still living at home, even at the age of 2833. Did she while away the hours playing Super Mario Brothers in the basement? Yes, we think so.

What, then, of the role of valiant Eowyn in slaying the Witchking of Angmar? A fair question, certainly, but as has been pointed out elsewhere, Eowyn’s chief role was not to get hit by the Witchking’s spiky iron ball while the hobbit Merry thrust a knife in his back. But more importantly, Eowyn disobeyed her King by joining the troops in battle, demonstrating that she failed at even the most basic of female skills: doing what you’re told. Were the beds making themselves at home? And if they slept in piles of straw for wont of sufficient knowhow to produce mattresses and sheets, couldn’t she have been busy inventing them?

Truly, amongst Frodologists, a degree of anti-female scorn is warranted. We wouldn’t argue that we pride ourselves on it precisely, but we do wonder how every other religion manages to treat their women with such equality and respect.

But, dear reader, worry yourself not. Frodologist theologians believe that most women actually enjoy a degree of misogyny. While many are simply grateful for the role which being the object of disdain affords them, others thoroughly relish in it. Why else would they wear the shapeless burlap sacks which we make them don when outside the house? And what could possibly explain the prevalence – or indeed the existence – of Ugg boots, but a positive zest for self-derisory accoutrement? Indeed, as footwear is often a woman’s raison d'être, one needs no greater symbol of pointed self-loathing than her eagerness to disguise her legs as those of an elephant.


Uggs: burkhas for your feet


Still, because pandering to females seems to be in vogue this century, Frodology will be adopting certain hollow promises, akin to the Christian carrot-dangling beatitudes: “blessed are the women, for they shall inherit the earth”. This should placate the agitating females amongst us, while the men rest safe in the knowledge that, on the backs of the underwhelming achievements of their female Frodologist forebears, women will be inheriting precious little.

Misogyny Meter for this article 10/10

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Frodology fans on Facebook, finally!

Dear readers,

Frodology now has an official Facebook fan page. This was exciting news to me since I was unaware that Frodology had any fans. Two reasons, really. 

I have this suspicion that I have an alter ego that I'm unaware of. I think he goes about his other life at night, cavorting around town and catching up on his correspondence. I suspect that he might have a penchant for religious satire, and that he comments on my posts under several pseudonyms. Unfortunately, he is as unaware of me as I am (or was) of him, so he doesn't realize he's wasting his time reading things his brain already wrote. The tool.

Second, being a Frodologist has caused me to become an afanist, meaning I don't believe in fans. I find the evidence of fans, including this fan page, which was created by a fan, to be unconvincing. 

Having said that, should you feel the need to express your fandom, you may do so by clicking here, and then clicking elsewhere. 

Unconvincedly yours,

SrodoFaves

UPDATE: Frodology now features a particularly garish Facebook subscription icon. I may yet make it less blue...

Marriage is between a dog and his cat

Controversial news from the lower echelons of the animal kingdom today as legislation regarding interspecies marriage will soon be put to the vote. Despite a recent court decision which ruled that it was unconstitutional to prevent dogs from marrying other dogs, conservative voters have turned out en masse to protest and call for a legislative ban, in some cases even missing church.

Though displaying implacable collective bigotry, each protester was found to be refreshingly open-minded when questioned. “Oh, it’s not that I’m canine-phobic,” assured a rosy-cheeked Betty Greene, casually waving a God hates dags sign, “I just think the traditional definition of marriage shouldn’t be tinkered with. You know, traditionally marriage is between a dog and his cat. It’s important. For tradition.” Added Mrs. Greene, “and I just found the sign, it’s not mine.”

Indeed, rather than a phalanx of vitriolic bigots with dozens of prejudicial posters, each belonging to someone else, these protesters are better seen simply as concerned, outspoken individuals. In their own way, each is a thoroughly caring person. “Oh, of course I agree same-species couples should have the same rights,” explained bank manager Jeff Scott, “they just shouldn’t be allowed to marry. ‘Cause, you know, if a same-species couple I don’t know marries, then somehow, that makes my own loveless marriage mean less.”

Mr. Scott also deflected criticism that their campaign was burning money that could have been better spent elsewhere. “Wasting money? Absolutely not. It’s very subjective. You see, preventing dogs from marrying each other is one of the most important goals of my life.” In addition, many of the people featuring in their expensive television ads were happy to wok for free, such is the threat of same-species marriage.

Some protesters offered other reasons for opposing homospecial marriage. “Dogs marrying dogs just isn’t within the traditional definition of ‘marriage’. Oh, we covered that already? Hmm, well how about this: dogs can’t have puppies with each other. Oh, they can? I still think we should recognize the traditional definition of marriage.”

Several more fundamentalist protesters have opined that, in any case, this particular sexual relationship is completely unnatural and unheard of in the animal kingdom, outside of penguins, several species of monkeys, apes, humans, elephants, dolphins, lions, sheep, 1,490 other species, and dogs themselves.

“We just need to recognize that ‘marriage’ traditionally means a union between a dog and a cat, or even historically a dog and several cats. There’s no mention in the Bib – er, history books – of dog-on-dog, or doggie style bonding. It’s tradition, and we should respect that,” concluded Mrs. Greene. “Oh, I’m sorry, I have to go home. My husband needs his dinner cooking.”


How it should be

Sunday, February 1, 2009

Theocracy, not Theocrazy

Secularism. A word designed by secularists, for secularists. A word intended to conjure visions of noble men in silk stockings, and the civil equality their valiant slaves will one day enjoy only two hundred years later. But what is good about a system that imprisons its leaders in marble while still alive and turns them into public monuments?

Proponents of a separate church and state often give us the impression that it’s an unequivocal good. Yet as we know that the only absolute good is Frodo Himself, how can anything else be? Accordingly, we can conclude that the separation of church and state must have its faults, and since it’s widely touted by atheists, those deceitful worshipers of the brain-god Thinky, we can expect its failings to beguile us and couch themselves in the language of the common good.

The most obvious problem with secularism is that it’s a relatively young, upstart theory, and as such it has yet to earn our trust. Theocracies on the other hand have been around for centuries, and the nations that gave birth to them are more or less still in one piece: Byzantium, for example, is much of modern Turkey.

Similarly, based on such rigid, unbending, unchanging, and unprogressive dogma, theocracies are guaranteed to be politically stable. If fornication was immoral one thousand years ago, chances are it still is! This ensures that the nation’s laws are easier to learn, and guarantees a longer shelf life for guidebooks. 

Popularity is generally a good indication of the suitability of political systems, and theocracies were wildly popular with people of all stripes long before they were given such trivial things as the vote, free speech, and the resulting ability to indicate otherwise. In addition, Sweden and Finland are some of the most secular states on the planet, yet they get pitifully little sunlight during the winter. The correlation is certainly suggestive!


These are also suggestive. Words are fun.


Critics of theocratic rule note that they can be troubled by competing religious and state jurisdictions. More like double the justice, I say! Studies also indicate that civil servants work more effectively when threatened with eternal damnation as opposed to a negative quarterly performance review.

Easily convinced of the benefits of theocracy, as I’m sure you are by now, I would next like to submit that Frodo is the Messiah to take the reigns of power. Though critics argue his arms are too short for the job, Jesus’ are almost certainly too dead for the job. In addition, Frodo is widely known to have been a cunning statesman, inspiring many to study his political panache. Indeed, Otto von Bismarck is thought to have been a Frodologist.

"No civilization other than that which is Christian, is worth seeking or possessing."

Well that’s clearly the wrong quote. Regardless, we must recognize that if it is the state that gives us our rights, it can easily take them away. But if we get our rights from Frodo, we are safe in the knowledge that they are subject to the strict interpretation of unelected religious officials. Who always have our best interests in mind. Did I neglect to mention that? And under theocratic rule, our enemies and members of other faiths never get rights in the first place. Remember, it’s only persecution if you hear about it!

So, dear reader, next time you’re stirred unwelcome from your apathy and asked to vote, choose the option that will ensure you never need set foot in a claustrophobic voting booth again.