Thursday, May 21, 2009
That’s right. Frodo has beamed up all of his loyal believers as well as (perhaps) children and mentally disabled people who haven’t yet reached a point of accountability. There are of course people Remaining on Earth; cursing their own foolish sciencey beliefs and very possibly tearing away at their clothing whilst on bended knee; overwhelmed by sorrow and contrition. Perhaps they are reading this very webpage looking for the tiniest glimmer of hope in order that they may equip themselves in this new, Frodo-forsaken world.
Ha ha ha ha ha. Looks like we were right after all, eh?
One-two-fuck you. You’re on your own.
Friday, May 8, 2009
Marriage was designed by Frodo as a way of stamping all of the fun out of sex. Fun detracts from suffering, and when people stop thinking about suffering they generally stop wishing for an afterlife. Frodo knew that if people stopped wishing for an afterlife, they’d stop being righteous because they no longer felt accountable to an absolute standard of morality. Unfortunately, people (being the dirty little fun-seekers that they are) started attempting to “spice up” their marriages. Couples discovered new ways of filling orifices. Dropping to your knees was no longer a guarantee that Frodo would be receiving some righteous prayer, and cries of “Oh Holy Frodo, YES!” were likely as not just people climaxing in glorious, impassioned frenzy rather than agreeing with glorious, impassioned scripture.
But guess what hippies? Sixties fun-time is over. The soaring divorce rate has proved that dirty sex involving bottoms and liquorice allsorts is not the foundation for a successful marriage. It’s time to go old-school – school like it used to be, not like now where they have illegal immigrant porn-stars teaching five year olds how to felch. I’m talking proper schools where you could say “blackboard” or “faggy faggy bum boy” without being called a racialist; and everyone knew their times tables, and respected their elders and rode into school on magical talking unicorns or flew in over the rainbow. Yeah, back to good old-fashioned basics.
Unfortunately ladies, the responsibility is yours to act like a proper wife. Believe it or not, your husband could get all the dirty-slut sex from anywhere he liked – your job as a wife is to provide the things he couldn’t get from a crack starved hooker: a clean living environment, satisfying meals and offspring that aren’t a massive disappointment. In one way, your wifely duties count as a “real job”; but in a different and much more important way they count for shit-all in comparison to what he does for you. Why not show your appreciation once in a while? There’s nothing a man likes better after a hard day’s work than a triple-steak sandwich and considerate silence from his spouse. Leave the remote control by his chair, and silently slip away until he’s sufficiently relaxed enough to hear you nag away about your day…
Just a couple of ideas there. I invite other Frodologists who are either married or know of at least one married couple (and therefore fully understand the delicate intricacies of co-dependent relationships) to contribute their “secrets to a happy marriage”.
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
The Spartan appetite for hard work was legendary and ferocious. They were universally tireless slave owners, a breed apart from the gin-sipping, porch-sitting slaver of the American colonies, a stereotype sadly responsible for giving slavery a bad name. Their workers were a race known as the helots, although the term “race” is misleading. The helots were Caucasian, as city elders determined it uneconomical to first discover and then trek all the way to Sub-Saharan Africa to capture some blacks.
In an interesting case of foreshadowing, the helots staged their own civil rights movement in the form of a violent rebellion, but were unsuccessful due to the lack of underground railroads, airplanes, or buses on which to stage protests.
Take note: if you’re planning a civil rights movement, center it around a mass transit system
The complete lack of moral philosophy in Spartan culture may also have played a role.
This policy was enforced on the battlefield with the expectation that every soldier would profit from a campaign in equal proportion to the others, or as happened more frequently, suffer an equally brutal death.
Whoever educated Condoleezza Rice has a lot to answer for
Whoever named her, even more so
The policy of Fight, War, Stabby-Stabby was put into effect in the Spartans’ infamous stand at
Three hundred Spartans, their helot attendants, and several thousand Peloponnesians met the Persians at
Following the Persian victory at Thermopylae, the Greeks staged their last ditch defense at
If you like the idea of more history lessons, please, do let me know, and if you have any suggestions of particular events, epochs, or civilizations, I’d love to hear them.