Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Thursday, May 21, 2009
That’s right. Frodo has beamed up all of his loyal believers as well as (perhaps) children and mentally disabled people who haven’t yet reached a point of accountability. There are of course people Remaining on Earth; cursing their own foolish sciencey beliefs and very possibly tearing away at their clothing whilst on bended knee; overwhelmed by sorrow and contrition. Perhaps they are reading this very webpage looking for the tiniest glimmer of hope in order that they may equip themselves in this new, Frodo-forsaken world.
Ha ha ha ha ha. Looks like we were right after all, eh?
One-two-fuck you. You’re on your own.
Friday, May 8, 2009
Marriage was designed by Frodo as a way of stamping all of the fun out of sex. Fun detracts from suffering, and when people stop thinking about suffering they generally stop wishing for an afterlife. Frodo knew that if people stopped wishing for an afterlife, they’d stop being righteous because they no longer felt accountable to an absolute standard of morality. Unfortunately, people (being the dirty little fun-seekers that they are) started attempting to “spice up” their marriages. Couples discovered new ways of filling orifices. Dropping to your knees was no longer a guarantee that Frodo would be receiving some righteous prayer, and cries of “Oh Holy Frodo, YES!” were likely as not just people climaxing in glorious, impassioned frenzy rather than agreeing with glorious, impassioned scripture.
But guess what hippies? Sixties fun-time is over. The soaring divorce rate has proved that dirty sex involving bottoms and liquorice allsorts is not the foundation for a successful marriage. It’s time to go old-school – school like it used to be, not like now where they have illegal immigrant porn-stars teaching five year olds how to felch. I’m talking proper schools where you could say “blackboard” or “faggy faggy bum boy” without being called a racialist; and everyone knew their times tables, and respected their elders and rode into school on magical talking unicorns or flew in over the rainbow. Yeah, back to good old-fashioned basics.
Unfortunately ladies, the responsibility is yours to act like a proper wife. Believe it or not, your husband could get all the dirty-slut sex from anywhere he liked – your job as a wife is to provide the things he couldn’t get from a crack starved hooker: a clean living environment, satisfying meals and offspring that aren’t a massive disappointment. In one way, your wifely duties count as a “real job”; but in a different and much more important way they count for shit-all in comparison to what he does for you. Why not show your appreciation once in a while? There’s nothing a man likes better after a hard day’s work than a triple-steak sandwich and considerate silence from his spouse. Leave the remote control by his chair, and silently slip away until he’s sufficiently relaxed enough to hear you nag away about your day…
Just a couple of ideas there. I invite other Frodologists who are either married or know of at least one married couple (and therefore fully understand the delicate intricacies of co-dependent relationships) to contribute their “secrets to a happy marriage”.
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
The Spartan appetite for hard work was legendary and ferocious. They were universally tireless slave owners, a breed apart from the gin-sipping, porch-sitting slaver of the American colonies, a stereotype sadly responsible for giving slavery a bad name. Their workers were a race known as the helots, although the term “race” is misleading. The helots were Caucasian, as city elders determined it uneconomical to first discover and then trek all the way to Sub-Saharan Africa to capture some blacks.
In an interesting case of foreshadowing, the helots staged their own civil rights movement in the form of a violent rebellion, but were unsuccessful due to the lack of underground railroads, airplanes, or buses on which to stage protests.
Take note: if you’re planning a civil rights movement, center it around a mass transit system
The complete lack of moral philosophy in Spartan culture may also have played a role.
This policy was enforced on the battlefield with the expectation that every soldier would profit from a campaign in equal proportion to the others, or as happened more frequently, suffer an equally brutal death.
Whoever educated Condoleezza Rice has a lot to answer for
Whoever named her, even more so
The policy of Fight, War, Stabby-Stabby was put into effect in the Spartans’ infamous stand at
Three hundred Spartans, their helot attendants, and several thousand Peloponnesians met the Persians at
Following the Persian victory at Thermopylae, the Greeks staged their last ditch defense at
If you like the idea of more history lessons, please, do let me know, and if you have any suggestions of particular events, epochs, or civilizations, I’d love to hear them.
Saturday, May 2, 2009
Thursday, April 30, 2009
So today we’ll be hitting the history books and going back to Ancient Sparta, and hopefully, if we’re lucky, taking one or two lessons home with us. Think of it like a trip to the
Since Frodology has recently experienced an influx of SMRTies who may not be used to the evidenceless-based learning we engage in here, this could be a great place to start. So, again, a trip to the Creation Museum.
In its earliest days,
This fun new policy of fighting kicked off with the Trojan War, a protracted conflict for which we should actually credit the Mycenaeans, the Spartans' progenitors.
Legend has it that the war started when Prince Paris of
The Spartan army landed on the beach outside
The news must have been shocking, because the Trojan troops opened the city gates to the Mycenaean army, captained by a large, wheeled stray horse, in a bid to hasten their own destruction and end the ignominy. The city was promptly sacked and its population enslaved.
A version of the story has survived in the form of the Biblical telling of the Rape of Dinah. There are of course some differences, the chief one being that Dinah is thought to have been far more attractive than Helen, as thousands of adult men were willing to be circumcised merely to live in the same city as her.
This conclusion led to the curious marriage ritual of shaving the bride’s head and dressing her in a man’s tunic, obviously an attempt to ensure no escaping woman would be worth chasing after. This tradition has survived today, in the sense that Greek women still aren't attractive enough to be put on film. When attractive foreign actresses aren’t available, movies about
From an early age, Spartan boys took part in vigorous military training, called the agoge. As far as historians can determine, this was just a funny-sounded word with no actual meaning. The training was long and grueling, and if you were going to depict it in a film, I imagine you’d make an uncomfortable-to-watch montage of half-clothed boys, caked in mud and soaked with sweat, tumbling with each other on a river bank. To round out the queasy vision of youthful innocence, everyone would look like male versions of Dakota Fanning.
But it wasn’t all hard work. Spartans knew how to love too…
Military philosophers of the time believed that a bond of love between an experienced warrior and a novice would make soldiers far more willing to fight for each other (known as “giving”), and also prepared to take a fatal blow meant for the other (“receiving”). It also engendered trust, a vital ingredient in hoplite warfare, as each man was responsible for protecting the man to his left with his own shield (known as a “reach around”).
The reach around leaves your flank exposed
Blog reader attention spans being what they are, I'm going to stop here for today. Check back in a couple of days to learn more about exciting events which may have (but probably didn't) happen, and the juicy details of 5th Century BC agricultural reform.