Thursday, July 31, 2008

Frodo on Fags

One thing that sets Frodology apart from other religions is that we don’t get stuck down in the details. You could say it’s more about the spirit of The Faith than about the absolute letter of Frodo’s Law, rigid and unbending though it may be. Praise Him. And for that reason it’s always been a little puzzling to us Frodologists that many of the more fervent adherents of Christianity and Islam have it in for fags.

You need not look far before you can find their banners: “God hates fags” and “Fags are evil”. On one level I can understand it. They’re disgusting and corrupting, and make everyone around feel dirty. They’re also unnatural: a product of society’s ills and civilization’s many evils. But on another, macro level, I can’t help but think that they’re relatively innocuous. After all, it’s a lifestyle choice and in the spirit of self-determination who are we to tell people how to live their lives?

The power-hungry elite at the top of a towering religious hierarchy, that’s who. But Frodo wasn’t big on micromanagement, so neither are we. Plus there are other reasons why Frodology doesn’t mind a few fags. Some early Frodologists, in an effort to assuage personal insecurities, moved to outlaw fags outright. It was evident that fags just made them uncomfortable; they were clearly worried that if fags were tolerated, they’d start doing it too.

So these Frodologists started bending Frodo’s words to fit their own agenda. Frodo’s idle conversation, in which he offhandedly declined the offer of a fag, was taken out of context to infer that he sanctioned the ban. If we used that as a precedent, we’d be banning cheese, shoes, and religion next. It’s clearly untenable.

Also, many Frodologists feel that the opposition to fags is wholly out of proportion to whatever minor transgression they may represent. Surely for something that is ultimately a private matter which impinges little on those not partaking, they don’t deserve such attention and such unrelenting hatred. And if you absolutely disdain fags to the very depths of your soul, they can’t be that hard to avoid.

Finally, one last obvious reason why Frodology isn’t up in arms against fags is that Frodo, like Jesus, was well known to indulge in a fag every now and then. And who can blame them, living such stressful, arduous lives (though Frodo’s was indubitably more stressful and arduous). It would be entirely inconsistent with the times if either Frodo or Jesus didn’t partake in fags, sucking on them long and hard, as they were wont to do.

And anyway, it’s not exactly like they’re taking over the world. For all these reasons we just can’t understand why religious leaders get so agitated over a few lousy cigarettes.

Check back soon for the next installment: Frodo vs. Homosexuals – Are They Taking Over the World?

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

How to Join Frodology, Part II

Frodology doesn’t mean to be a religion that courts controversy, we don’t. We just want to practice The Faith without recrimination, and proselytize at will. It’s not like we want a special place in the spiritual landscape, although that time will inevitably come since we are right, and in time everyone will realize that. But in the mean time, we simply ask that people leave us to prey.

Thus in order to facilitate the time when all the world’s flock is united and corralled in the Shire, I’ve decided to revisit Frodology’s few remaining membership requirements. But before I do I would like to respond to a handful of earnest questions and grumbles from those who profess they really do want to join The Faith, but don’t want to be circumcised, or pay money for the privilege. All I can say is that my hands are tied. These are Frodo’s requests, and we, His humble followers, are not at liberty to change them or reread the source material and discover any typographical errors or mistranslations such that the status quo would be changed. Frodo just doesn’t want His followers wallowing in filth and emerging from a cesspit to enter the Shire. No mire in the Shire.

First and foremost, Frodo requires that His followers abstain from alcohol and caffeine. In fact, Frodlogists do not even speak of these by name, firm in the belief that by refusing to acknowledge them, they’ll just go away. We therefore refer to them as Banned Substances, or BS. Why do we place these voluntary limitations on BS? In part it’s because certain other faiths actually embrace them, and are so clearly going downhill because of them. Christians thrive on BS, and even serve it at communion! The second reason is that we Frodologists are keen to avoid anything which may be considered mind-altering. Frodology requires a clear head and sense of self-awareness. However if you have a congenital form of psychosis causing you to be abnormally gullible, we will welcome you with open arms. It is part of Frodology’s mission to help the infirm. But that’s probably enough BS for now.

Since Frodo is all about saving as many souls as possible, we Frodologists have decided that passivity is something we can ill afford. You almost have to admire Jehovah’s Witnesses: they actively pursue potential converts, and when they find someone weak, bam! Straight for the jugular. They cling on with an iron grip and drain the lifeblood like a leech in the throes of bloodlust. Frodologsist missionaries are more like cute puppies though. You want to pick them up and hold them in both arms, and let them give you loads of little puppy kisses. Because denying them would be irresistible, nay, damn right cruel. Accordingly, Frodologists must make a coming of age missionary trip, called the Nission (the Mormons have already trademarked “Mission”, the greedy bastards). The Nission is a Frodologist’s chance to prove his worth by recruiting as many to The Faith as he can. Through this wonderful opportunity, he gains the privilege of basking in Frodo’s Eternal Light.

Lastly, there is a special requirement for former atheists. Oh, how that word makes me squirm. Since through their atheism they have demonstrated that they lack a certain moral fiber, the virtue of being able to wholly submit to a higher force of which they have no ‘proof’ other than their own unquestioning faith, converted atheists are granted a special status in Frodology. We call them Underlings. Don’t be alarmed, it’s just a portmanteau of a common hobbit surname, Underhill, and a colloquial synonym for hobbits, halflings. Through being an Underling for ten short years, converted atheists are given the extra opportunity to really prove their faith. It’s enough to make the rest of us jealous!

And that’s it! It’s so easy, what are you waiting for?

Saturday, July 26, 2008

Frodo Is Green

It’s gone alarmingly quiet around here over the past couple of days, and I can only think it’s that everyone in the world’s internet is broken except for mine. Surely that is more likely than people having second thoughts following on from my last post. Surely.

So for a completely unrelated reason I’ve decided to meander from the path of Frodology’s small list of membership, uh, suggestions, and address an issue which has always, always, been a subject close to Frodo’s heart.

Before Orthodox Christians started polluting the Earth’s delicate atmosphere with their toxic clouds of incense, before the Jews began wasting fuel by burning precious hydrocarbons in the temple at Hanukkah, and before the Vatican started melting down the world’s wealth for its coffers, Frodologists were being green. Frodo opted to trek all the way to Mordor under his own power. He didn’t take the train, or use a car, and didn’t even consider taking a plane. He didn’t leave his television on standby and he had no time for chlorofluorocarbons.

And what does the Pope do? He putts about looking like a goldfish in his Popemobile, a modified SUV with heavy bullet-proof glass. He doesn’t even use a hybrid. I feel confident that Catholics probably manage the lowest miles per gallon of any faith. They should hand out catalytic converters at communion instead of bread.

Hobbits didn’t have industry and didn’t even harm the Earth by farming. In fact it’s not actually clear what the economic basis of their society was, perhaps some combination of hunter-gathering and begging, but the point still stands that their hairy feet had the smallest carbon footprint of any socially-developed humanoid to follow. They certainly didn’t have to cut down trees for, say, I don’t know, carpentry, to make ends meet.

Really we should all just leave the cities and pick up the pastoral lifestyle where medieval peasants left off. We should forsake technology and abandon science because it’s half a step away from full-on witchcraft, and certainly wasn’t sanctioned or even mentioned in The Book. If Frodo didn’t need it, then we certainly don’t. What’s so great about progress anyway? Why can’t anyone just be happy to stay still and admire the view? I mean, it didn’t quite work for the Khmer Rouge, but we could give it another shot.

Thursday, July 24, 2008

How to Join Frodology, Part I

Since launching this site a few days back, we have been absolutely inundated with people begging to join The Faith. This is of course only further verification that Frodology is the one True Faith, despite what you may have read earlier about numbers being irrelevant. They are relevant, especially big, growing ones.

Being such a welcoming, genial faith, joining Frodology is as simple as you’d expect. There is just a short list of requirements which I will summarize here (Part II to follow), and which are also available in a 60 page PDF should you require further detail. In fact they’re not even requirements, because it’s not our job to be the Third Reich. Think of them as mandatory suggestions.

First, males must be circumcised. Unlike many other faiths that practice circumcision, Frodology is all about being up to date, with it, contemporary. Being progressive is a priority, you might say. How can you save people if you don’t “get them”? Consequently The Faith is conscious of being labeled as a religion that still lops off foreskins. We just don’t want to seem so musty and Old Testament, even if we are the oldest religion around, which we are. This is why we want to encourage circumcision as a cool thing to do.

Think about it: what could make your friends more jealous? An iPhone? A car? No, they’ll just go out and buy something better. But removing a bit of your genitals is something you can only have done by joining Frodology, at least without it being a crime. Think how unique you’ll be, imagine how crazy the girls will go! No full penises here! And thanks to modern medicine, which we have fully but reluctantly embraced, risk of death from secondary infection is at its lowest level yet.

Females must be circumcised too. It’s not cool, it just has to be done.

All new members must also be hobbitized. This is something that some of you may recognize as similar to baptizing. Superficially, that’s correct. A High Priest will sprinkle Holy Hobbit Oil, or H2O, over inductees’ foreheads such that they may have the Light of Frodo shine upon them. The difference is that in Frodology you’re actually being saved, while in other religions you’re just getting wet.

The last suggestion that Frodology requires is a small membership fee. Luckily for members it’s a technically complex fee structure, so you need not fear we’re making things up. But if you need any explanation of the nature of the charges, it can be found in a separate 30 page PDF, or you can talk to one of our operators on our hotline. Joining Frodology requires a small, discretionary down payment. Think of it as a holding deposit on your soul. After that there’s a small annual fee too, based on a percentage of your annual income, which you could liken to a service charge. Since people expect to pay for service at a restaurant, we think they expect to pay to join a charitable organization too.

That’s all for Part I, see you back here tomorrow for Part II!

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Elijah Wood – a Graven Image Too Far?

Peter Jackson’s controversial trilogy, The Lord of the Rings is still a touchy subject in the history of Frodology. The debate revolves around an enigmatic phrase Frodo was undeniably believed to have probably spoken. Unfortunately I cannot repeat the phrase here, since whether or not quoting Frodo also constitutes heresy is currently the subject of another debate. But what it amounts to is that Frodo had a childhood aversion to watercolor. And who can blame Him? It’s so damn hard to stop the paint from bleeding. But I digress.

From this two schools of thought emerged. The first, the Narrow Interpretationalists believe that His hallowed words serve only to restrict images of Him in watercolor and its immediate family, which includes colored pencil, embroideries, and stained glass. This of course allows actors to play Frodo, provided it is done so accurately and meekly, such that no glory is deflected away from His Holiness. Had Elijah Wood actually been awarded the Nickelodeon Kids’ Choice Award he was nominated for, he would have become a marked man. Thankfully for him his lackluster acting skills avoided that eventuality.

Unfortunately he has become a marked man anyway due to the route taken by the Wide Interpretationalisticas. They argue that, from a proper reading, no portrayal of Frodo may be made whatsoever, whether auditory or visual. Followers of The Faith who naively wore hairy wigs on their feet so as to be closer to Frodo were thus excommunicated for their heresy. You might say they would have been safer with a shaven image.

Puns aside, the positions of the two schools is irresolvable because the original text has been lost. While interpreting, the Interpreter, Tolkien, is believed to have misplaced the hallowed text. He narrowly avoided excommunication for this transgression. When discussing the rift with Frodologists, it is advisable not to use the word ‘sects’, as it is still an open wound. Also ‘sects’ sounds too much like ‘sex’ and since all hobbits were conceived by immaculate conception, Frodologists are naturally averse to anything so openly grotesque as sexual intercourse.

However, the rift between the sects (I can use it because I’m a Frodologist) did have a happy outcome. The Narrow Interpretationalisicians prevailed, and it is lucky they did. Their progressive, liberal approach to The Faith means that only watercolor, colored pencil, embroidered, stained glass, doodled, mosaic and PhotoShop images of Frodo are banned. Without this, the loss to the world of art would have been too great. Mainstream religions could indeed learn from Frodologists’ healing, compassionate, and inclusive approach to practicing The Faith.

Edit – Following miraculous recovery of the lost text, which we must attribute to Frodo, praise him, it is now clear that his aversion was to art in general. Thus no images of Him shall be tolerated whatsoever, least of all newspaper cartoon sketches. The arms of Frodo are long (at least metaphorically) and justice will be served on transgressors. It should be noted that since Frodology is a Universal Truth this generous dispensation such that we never have to exert ourselves to sketching Frodo ever again applies to all, not just the Enlightened followers of The Faith. We can only thank the magnanimous Wide Interpretationalisticarians for their mercy in this minute misunderstanding.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Frodology - the World's Oldest Religion

We Frodologists can afford to look down on newcomer religions with a certain amount of deserved, smug satisfaction. As the oldest faith around, we have what the other fly-by-nighters only claim to: the undeniable position of being right. You hear Catholics professing to have time on their side, but what is that, two millenia? And Muslims? Even less. Frodology verifiably dates from the beginning of time, when the temporal residents of Earth were still in touch with their spiritual overlord.

Frodology has sadly become controversial recently and taken a fair amount of flak for being what some people call a 'cult'. Scientologists and Mormons may try to dodge the issue, but I feel it is safer for the integrity of The Faith that we acknowledge this heresy head on. The 'mainstream' religions sit complacently on their pedestals and call us foolish, slow, Canadian, or goddamn s%*t-for-brains. But having the benefit of numbers on your side doesn't make you right.

Luckily, having time on your side does. And that's why Frodology, as The Faith, is right. See, Frodo, praise him, lived his glorious life and heroically fulfilled his many quests in an age of the Earth which has long since passed. This time, which scientists scientifically call Middle Earth, was many tens of thousands of years before your Maccabees or Pharisees were around, pretenders all. Woe betide the millions of souls who lived their life in ignorance of Him, because it was not until Tolkien, the Interpreter, rediscovered his epic legacy and selflessly published it in three invaluable tomes that we, the unworthy public, could become aware of it.

And what a legacy! Like the sun rising in the West, Frodo lived a life of miracles. But more than that, he gave everything so that the pious souls of Middle Earth could know freedom from the terrible oppression of Mordor. His great sacrifice allowed humans, dwarves and elves to live in liberty under his new religious hierarchy. That this should be forgotten by subsequent generations and ages of the Earth is an unspeakable travesty of the highest order. But that people can still live their lives with the knowledge of Frodo, but without submitting to His Benign Will, is a travesty of, well, an even higher order. Higher than the highest. Let's just say it's bad.

It is for this reason that we Keepers of the Faith decided it was finally time for Frodology to adopt a public face and open our doors to the world. We fully anticipate to be the fastest growing religion within the next week or so. If just one person joins, that will be a 50% rise in membership. Look at those growth figures - 50%! Numbers don't lie, and we take this to be mathematics' implicit endorsement of Frodology as the one true Faith. Waste no time, join Frodology today!