Frodologist Founding Fathers – Special President’s Day edition!

As we celebrate the birth of the first man to get away with owning slaves while running the United States, it is important to remember not to believe everything you read. There are certain myths pervading American folklore about the Founding Fathers, and today seems like the perfect opportunity to add to the canon by dispelling them. Or, wait, what?

Part I - Filthy, backstabbing, unpatriotic heathens

General George Washington

It is generally accepted that the nation’s first president was a worthy general, but whoever accepts that is a total idiot. Let us reexamine the circumstances under which the General secured victory over Great Britain.

1. Washington won on home ground. Sports fans know that it is much harder to win an away game than it is a home game. Maybe it has something to do with the feel of the grass, or maybe it’s the different atmosphere. It could even be the racial slurs and unbearably ugly foreign spectators. Sports fans also know that nothing riles a sports fan like the allegation that he’s not a true sports fan. With that in mind, all true sports fans know that Washington’s victory would have been much more sensational had he beat the British in, say, Britain.
2. Washington cheated. Rebels admire other rebels who don’t play by the rules, but only when it leads them to a poetic, early death. Had James Dean gone on to vanquish conservative American values, his place would not be in our hearts, but on Hollywood Squares. So by all means, hide in the woods like a pansy, but make sure you’re not around after the battle to answer probing questions like “why couldn’t you fight like a man?”
3. Washington prayed. By 18^th Century rules of war, clashing armies were forbidden from praying for victory due to the unfair advantage it gave them on the battlefield. Since it is well known that God cannot choose between conflicting prayers, he answers those who beseech his Grace first. Since Britain’s General Cornwallis was a pacifist Quaker, we know that he would not have prayed for victory, and as such, was unfairly handicapped by Washington’s backstabbing.

In consequence, Frodologists are proud not to count General Washington amongst their numbers.

 

James Madison

While contemporary evidence indicates that James Madison, the 4^th President of the United States, may have started life as a Frodologist, historians interpret several events as confirming his fall from Frodo’s Graces.

The first was Madison’s marriage to his wife Dolley. Scholars believe that Frodo was foremost angry with her porn star-like name, and only got madder when she proceeded to name their three children Traci, Trixi, and Trish. Second, Madison arguably failed in his role as defender of the country when he allowed Brits and Canadians to march into the nation’s capital and burn it down. After this, historians believe that Frodo became bored with Presidents, much like the world stopped caring about moon landings after Apollo 11.

 

Thomas Jefferson

Thomas Jefferson, the nation’s 3^rd President, is often hailed for his contributions to the Declaration of Independence and the growth of the United States. Yet his achievements warrant a more sober assessment.

First, he is widely credited with declaring that all men are created equal, and yet hypocritically owned slaves and failed to secure the freedoms of ethnic and sexual minorities within the US. Clearly, if he had declared that white men are created equal and everyone else can fend for themselves, he would have saved the country centuries of bitter disagreement and a civil war. Nice job, Jefferson.

Second, it was Jefferson who engineered the Louisiana Purchase, an allegedly excellent deal in which the US acquired 828,000 square miles of land in consideration of $15,000,000 to France. The total area purchased extends from most of present day Montana all the way to New Orleans. A shrewd deal, certainly, and yet historians forget one crucial thing: Americans probably would’ve just taken it anyway. For free. This is doubly so since the only things that would have been standing in their way were the French, a people renowned for taking naughty photos into battle instead of guns.

Plus, imagine how many more slaves Jefferson could have bought with $15 million.

 

Part II - Founding Fathers who were Frodologists

Abigail Adams

The only first lady to be counted as a Frodologist Founding Fatheress, Abigail Adams would likely have been looked over had it not been for the dispelling of her husband John Adams. It is said that when the Continental Congress convened to draft the Declaration of Independence, he responded to Jefferson’s request that Adams write the document by saying, “you can write ten times better than I can.” Since Frodologist historians agree that this sounds like the kind of thing a twelve year old would say, Adams is thought to have been too ignorant to worship Frodo.

Abigail had an excellent sense of humor, campaigning for the abolition of slavery and emancipation of women all the while knowing that the accomplishment of these lofty goals was decades away at best.  Certainly an erudite woman, she also recognized that she was no looker, and is praised by Frodologists for imposing neither of these vices upon her husband.

Benjamin Franklin

Ben Franklin had a keen respect for the sciences, which is something Frodologists can always relate to, especially as we believe he had no idea what he was doing. Franklin is said to have invented the lightning rod, confirming once and for all that the sky gets angry when you jab a pole at it. Though many others tried his experiment and died from electrocution, the exercise was ultimately for the greater good, as it motivated scores of budding scientists to abandon flying kites in lightning storms, and instead simply to pull their desks away from the wall to find a power socket.

It’s of course fortunate that Franklin was such a prodigious inventor, because he also created the concept of “pay it forward”, a responsibility which would earn anyone else the wrath of thousands of disappointed moviegoers.

 

Alexander Hamilton

Among Frodologists, Alexander Hamilton is chiefly known for two things: founding the Mint, and duelling. This makes him some kind of Enlightenment playboy in our eyes, which is about as badass as it gets. Also, as his eldest son had been killed on the same spot three years prior to Hamilton’s duel with Burr, he demonstrates another key Frodologist virtue: refusing to learn from your mistakes. It’s why we keep praying century after century!

Of course, some criticize Hamilton for urging Congress to adopt legislation which taxed American producers of whiskey. Though whiskey distillers strongly opposed the measure, even to the extent of rebelling in 1794, it is thought that most were simply smart enough to drop the ‘e’ and call it whisky, thereby averting the tax.

Happy President's Day!

Misogyny Meter for this article, a mediocre 4/10, boosted slightly by a
Racism Rank of 5/10