Is Heaven Sinking?

Conservative America is gripped with fear following the release of a scientific report which declares that Heaven seems to be gradually losing altitude. Though liberals have denounced the claim as ‘fanciful’ and likely just a right wing conspiracy, Democrat Senate majority leaders came together to assure the nation they would treat the matter with earnest circumspection, concluding to their Republican colleagues with a unanimous ‘how you like me now, bitch?’

The chief cause of the problem seems to be the increasing proportion of fat people in Heaven. It used to be that fatties would go to Hell for their gluttony, but these days scientists warn that they’re all either just big boned or suffering from glandular problems. Consequently, it’s really not their fault, and they deserve to be rewarded for the unfortunate circumstances which have given them a whole range of health problems, from chronic lethargy to epic denial.

Government leaders are split as to the best recourse. When questioned by reporters, one official commented ‘ew, fat people.’ Still, it’s clear that they will have to ask tough questions in order to stop Heaven from its earthward course, and preventing fat people from going there might be a necessary measure. For example, if we ban leopard print, will obesity just go away by itself, or will we drive the problem underground? Can’t we just pawn the problem off on our children’s generation? Or ship the fatties to Canada? Please?

Are you sure? Canada?

In any case, it seems that the Obama administration’s policy of systematically executing America’s fatties has certainly backfired. As an alternative to bailing out the fast food industry, the Simmons-Fonda Act rightly received overwhelming support, and cases of Creutzfeldt-Jakob disease were remarkably kept to a minimum. But the government must face the fact that further increasing Heaven’s mass jeopardizes its future, an eventuality which would make centuries of state-sponsored desecularization efforts all for nothing. Right wing news sources report that Obama is nevertheless reticent about changing course, and have fueled rumors that the government always culls the obese in batches of seventy-two.

Meanwhile, Heaven still has minimal support and weak foundations, a situation which hasn’t improved over the years despite the best efforts of fervent believers and their dead counterparts. If Heaven continues to sink, scientists warn that it will eventually end up on the planet’s surface, meaning that people will no longer go anywhere when they die.

Heaven’s architect has already been sent to Hell for His negligence in the construction phase, a banishment which answers the age old question ‘can you still sin in Heaven’ with a definitive ‘if you really fuck up.’ Insiders speculate however that this was not the damned architect’s first mistake.

Though the market certainly isn’t right, it seems that unless the problem improves Heaven will have to be sold. Keen observers worldwide are already taking note by amending the golden rule of real estate from ‘location, location, location,’ to the much snappier ‘no fat chicks.’

Artist’s rendering of proposed solution