Children are our greatest resource. Let’s harvest them now!

Rarely does a day go by without someone reminding us how important children are. Save the children. Clothe the children. Feed the children. Teach the children. Cook the children. Excuse me, cook for the children. And these are just the charities. Next they’ll want us to stop beating them too (‘physical riposte’, in the jargon). But who else are we supposed to take our anger out on? Hitting anyone else would be a crime! 

But do we really need reminding? Parents don’t bring children into the world lightly. A father knows the risk that his target-wife will become a swollen mockery of her former sexy self, and it is a burden he must shoulder every time he thinks about sex, which is to say, every time he thinks about anything but food, and sometimes even then too. And who could forget that a burst condom is the most heinous crimesin in the eyes of Frodo? A quick tally gives you

1. Original crimesin of the conceived child
2. Attempted abortion (through the, uh, abortive use of contraceptives)
3. Aiding and abetting the child’s original crimesin (you’d better hope there aren’t twins!)
4. Deriving pleasure from sex itself

That children are a drain on society goes without saying, leeching us of our resources one guiltily-given penny at a time. In the midst of all this wasted money, it can be hard to see how we can turn these grimy freeloaders into an investment.  “Show me how to harvest them!” I hear you saying.

While some of the following ideas might strike you as odd, they are part of a new wave of alternative childrearing theories, or as I like to call it, Intelligent Parenting. If it’s good enough for Texas, it’s good enough for whichever shitty little town you come from!

1. Child labor

I know what you’re thinking. Such an ugly word. But you’d be wrong. It’s actually two words. And in the UK, it’s spelled child labour, which looks much friendlier.

Squeamish government agencies have this quaint notion that children need protecting and should be prevented from working. But what kind of capitalist system do we have if we can’t open it up to all comers? Shouldn’t the avid consumers of the toy industry be allowed to participate in their making? Anything else is just perverse.

Savvy parents can utilize the full range of capitalist institutions to reap the benefit of their children’s new employment. Play time can be called ‘going on strike’, and the family Rottweiler could be renamed ‘Strike Breaker'. Instead of whipping your boy with your belt, you’re now using the ‘invisible hand’. Pinstripe trousers and funny moustaches are optional. I imagine it looking something like this.

Click to enlarge... if you like your child abuse nice and big, you sick fuck

“What about an economy of scale?” you say? I’m glad you asked.

 

2. Twins

Frodologist parents will find that their children work much more productively if they have sufficient to institute a production line and/or shifts. Twins, triplets, and further manifestations of fetal bad luck are gifts from Frodo, and a sign that you should use them as enthusiastically as their frail, premature skeletal structures will allow.

Barren like the Plains of Dagorlad? Unable to conceive? Well don’t let a lack of imagination get you down! Ah, but seriously, baby theft, or as we like to call it – ‘adoption’ – is always an option. The Christian organization Accidental Parenthood literally has thousands of unwanted kids, including specimens in the much sought-after Potential Children™ range.

If this sounds like something you might be interested in, inquire about Frodology’s Sackfull Movement. Sackfulls are inspired by Scripture, which warns encourages followers that...

You also get a free t-shirt.

 

3. Smart charities

Finally, we encourage you to donate only to charities which use their resources responsibly. Based on that canny atheist notion of nihilist morality, these ‘smart charities’ use regional concepts of ethics to allocate their limited means to greatest effect. For example, our analysts realized that charities which aim respectively to alleviate poverty and reduce starvation are actually competing, but share a common goal. Thanks to our efforts, many Ethiopians now achieve both by eating their superfluous children.

Hello? Who’s this? The Nobel Foundation? Our Peace Prize is on the way? Genius!

 

With all of this excellent parenting going on, don’t forget to keep the end goal in mind. By populating Frodo’s green Earth with little Frodologists, or Frodologist children of Frodologists as I understand the new atheist vernacular to have it, the Faith will reach exponential growth. Once we reach a critical mass, we can finally have our day of rest, safe in the knowledge that we’re too big to ignore.

Sit back, and like adolescent hormonal clockwork, your little chav children will run around creating even more little chav children.

Ah, yes.

We’re the state’s problem now.