Sunday, March 29, 2009

Children are our greatest resource. Let’s harvest them now!


Rarely does a day go by without someone reminding us how important children are. Save the children. Clothe the children. Feed the children. Teach the children. Cook the children. Excuse me, cook for the children. And these are just the charities. Next they’ll want us to stop beating them too (‘physical riposte’, in the jargon). But who else are we supposed to take our anger out on? Hitting anyone else would be a crime! 

But do we really need reminding? Parents don’t bring children into the world lightly. A father knows the risk that his target-wife will become a swollen mockery of her former sexy self, and it is a burden he must shoulder every time he thinks about sex, which is to say, every time he thinks about anything but food, and sometimes even then too. And who could forget that a burst condom is the most heinous crimesin in the eyes of Frodo? A quick tally gives you

  1. Original crimesin of the conceived child
  2. Attempted abortion (through the, uh, abortive use of contraceptives)
  3. Aiding and abetting the child’s original crimesin (you’d better hope there aren’t twins!)
  4. Deriving pleasure from sex itself

That children are a drain on society goes without saying, leeching us of our resources one guiltily-given penny at a time. In the midst of all this wasted money, it can be hard to see how we can turn these grimy freeloaders into an investment.  “Show me how to harvest them!” I hear you saying.

While some of the following ideas might strike you as odd, they are part of a new wave of alternative childrearing theories, or as I like to call it, Intelligent Parenting. If it’s good enough for Texas, it’s good enough for whichever shitty little town you come from!


1. Child labor

I know what you’re thinking. Such an ugly word. But you’d be wrong. It’s actually two words. And in the UK, it’s spelled child labour, which looks much friendlier.

Squeamish government agencies have this quaint notion that children need protecting and should be prevented from working. But what kind of capitalist system do we have if we can’t open it up to all comers? Shouldn’t the avid consumers of the toy industry be allowed to participate in their making? Anything else is just perverse.

Savvy parents can utilize the full range of capitalist institutions to reap the benefit of their children’s new employment. Play time can be called ‘going on strike’, and the family Rottweiler could be renamed ‘Strike Breaker'. Instead of whipping your boy with your belt, you’re now using the ‘invisible hand’. Pinstripe trousers and funny moustaches are optional. I imagine it looking something like this.

Click to enlarge... if you like your child abuse nice and big, you sick fuck


“What about an economy of scale?” you say? I’m glad you asked.

 

2. Twins

Frodologist parents will find that their children work much more productively if they have sufficient to institute a production line and/or shifts. Twins, triplets, and further manifestations of fetal bad luck are gifts from Frodo, and a sign that you should use them as enthusiastically as their frail, premature skeletal structures will allow.

Barren like the Plains of Dagorlad? Unable to conceive? Well don’t let a lack of imagination get you down! Ah, but seriously, baby theft, or as we like to call it – ‘adoption’ – is always an option. The Christian organization Accidental Parenthood literally has thousands of unwanted kids, including specimens in the much sought-after Potential Children™ range.

If this sounds like something you might be interested in, inquire about Frodology’s Sackfull Movement. Sackfulls are inspired by Scripture, which warns encourages followers that...

You also get a free t-shirt.

 

3. Smart charities

Finally, we encourage you to donate only to charities which use their resources responsibly. Based on that canny atheist notion of nihilist morality, these ‘smart charities’ use regional concepts of ethics to allocate their limited means to greatest effect. For example, our analysts realized that charities which aim respectively to alleviate poverty and reduce starvation are actually competing, but share a common goal. Thanks to our efforts, many Ethiopians now achieve both by eating their superfluous children.

Hello? Who’s this? The Nobel Foundation? Our Peace Prize is on the way? Genius!

 

With all of this excellent parenting going on, don’t forget to keep the end goal in mind. By populating Frodo’s green Earth with little Frodologists, or Frodologist children of Frodologists as I understand the new atheist vernacular to have it, the Faith will reach exponential growth. Once we reach a critical mass, we can finally have our day of rest, safe in the knowledge that we’re too big to ignore.

Sit back, and like adolescent hormonal clockwork, your little chav children will run around creating even more little chav children.

Ah, yes.

We’re the state’s problem now.

34 comments:

PersonalFailure said...

Well, it took care of the Irish problem . . .

John Evo said...

Was that goat meat, or not, in the kid stew I had last night?

yunshui said...

Excellent - now I have written evidence of Frodo's will to present to Wifeshui. Our first child is due in a couple of months, and I can already hear the cheerful chink of the extra coinage... She'll come around to my way of thinking soon enough.

remigius said...

There is an elderly anti-child activist near to where I live. He has been waging his one man protest campaign outside the local primary school for as long as I can remember.

He is there every morning and afternoon, come rain or shine, with his STOP CHILDREN placard. He has even been known to halt traffic in his determination to get his message across.

I admire that level of dedication to the cause.

CodewordConduit said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
CodewordConduit said...

I too have seen these elderly anti-child activists, gleefully attempting to lead children into oncoming traffic.

Incidentally I would give the lower third of my right arm to be able to witness on of these activists rotating his sign at high speed between two flattened palms held horizontally; muttering under his breath:

Oh yeah. Make it spin.

remigius said...

CodewordConduit.

'I would give the lower third of my right arm.'

Is that a 'wrist' you are prepared to take?

CodewordConduit said...

LMAO

What a delightful play on words!

FrodoSaves said...

yunshui,

Congratulations, my friend in Frodo! He shall be pleased, and shall be even more so when you've committed to a sequel. And remember, everyone likes a trilogy!

-----

remigius,

I too have seen that man. Just last week he was aiding motorists to hit their targets by informing them that there would be 'slow children ahead'. Personally I think he deserves a medal.

------

CC,

Amidst dropping GCSE standards in the UK, the government has decided that a more effective way of separating out the children will be to have Ex-Con Crossing Guard Tuesdays. It's also know as the 'tiers through tears' campaign, and is pretty much exactly what it sounds like. So I wouldn't be surprised to stumble across that very situation in the near future!

Dani' El said...

Thank you, thank you for not mentioning Octomom.

But you are a sick, sick (but funny) man and are going to hell in a great hurry.

Cheers!
Dani' El

Anna Sethe said...

But you are a sick, sick (but funny) man and are going to hell in a great hurry.

FS,
I'd advise you to turn left when you see the light, but hell might be the easier place to go.

Vitamin R said...

Cook the children. Excuse me, cook for the children.

I think you had it right the first time.

“Show me how to harvest them!” I hear you saying.

I already know how. With a thresher.

For example, our analysts realized that charities which aim respectively to alleviate poverty and reduce starvation are actually competing, but share a common goal. Thanks to our efforts, many Ethiopians now achieve both by eating their superfluous children.

Hello? Who’s this? The Nobel Foundation? Our Peace Prize is on the way? Genius!


Total genius! ROTFLMAO!

Sit back, and like adolescent hormonal clockwork, your little chav children will run around creating even more little chav children.

Ah, yes.

We’re the state’s problem now.


Ah, chavs . . . I'd forgotten about them, innit!

Dani' El said...

Hey Frodo.

You didn't mention the Mengele style fetal stem cell research issue.

Harvest indeed.

They are sub-human after all.
And since they are slated for destruction, why not do a few experiments for the good of the Reich?

Dani' El the Mirth Slayer.

Vitamin R said...

Mmm . . . sweet, delicious stem cells. . . .
::drools::

Hah! I think you overstate matters, Mirth-Drubber--the mirth's just getting started! Mirth for everyone! And stem cells!

Dani' El said...

Vita R-

I guess you're right.
Mengele was just misunderstood.

And why spoil Octoberfest with all this ethical standards nonsense?
Party on!

Pass the Kinderschnitzel!

:7o

FrodoSaves said...

Hmm, Mirth-Drubber. Sounds appropriately Ringsy. I like it. Well done VitR. Consider yourself promoted to Cretin.

Mirth-Drubber,

Stem cells will receive their own special post in due time. After all, they're as good as people, so it would be unfair to cram them all into one place (like a test tube or spinal cord). In fact, there are elements in the Faith pushing to give stem cells greater rights than humans. Imagine that.

-----

VitR,

Stem cell caviar with your bubbly?

*clink*

Dani' El said...

In fact, there are elements in the Faith pushing to give stem cells greater rights than humans. Imagine that.

Gollum's lies!
(who knew?)

Since when are fetuses, stem cells?
And why are anyone's rights above another?
Oh yeah, they are sub-human.

Sound familiar?

Maybe Hobbits are subhumans too, and we should rip spare parts off of them as well?

Maybe God is just in ripping something off of you to teach you a lesson?

Dani' El said...

Dig in!

Mirth Drubber.

Vitamin R said...

FS: I'm a Cretin, now?
::bounces::

Stem cell caviar and champagne? Are there toast points, cuz I've never had those. Not that I require them for a decent stem cell repast. Novelty is nice, but I'm a purist at heart.

Dani'El: "Kinderschnitzel"! Fabulous!

Y'know, if you didn't have prior commitments, maybe you'd be a Cretin, too, by now.

Just something to think about.

And those stem cells in that photo? Are clearly well past the purchase-by date. On a mirth-drubbing scale from 'Grumpy Librarian' to 'Seven Years in Gitmo' . . . I give that a 'Ferris Bueller's Principal'. Nice try, though. Keep on drubbin' ;)

Dani' El said...

Well VitaR, please remember Adults got stem cells too.

You may get a visit from my friends.

FrodoSaves said...

VitR,

You're leading the way baby. From here it's only a short distance to Banded Sea Krait and then to Couch Jumper. Can you feel the carrot, dangling back in forth in the breeze, right before your eyes?

On a mirth-drubbing scale from 'Grumpy Librarian' to 'Seven Years in Gitmo' . . . I give that a 'Ferris Bueller's Principal'.

Ouch.

-----

Dani,

Well VitaR, please remember Adults got stem cells too.

Yes but as you'll remember it is a Frodologist's purpose to harvest children. We are unequivocally without morals, so what's going to stop us?

PS - I think the word you were looking for was 'untermenschen'.

Dani' El said...

We are unequivocally without morals, so what's going to stop us?

I am. My Ole Dad gave me this sword you see.
I gotta ask. If Frodologists got no morals, then what is crimesin?
Having morals? So morality is having no morals....sigh.

PS - I think the word you were looking for was 'untermenschen'.

Ich haben hunge.
Munchen Untermenshen?
Nein Bitte.
Liebenfrau milch?
Ya!!

(I'm in a very strange mood today. Please forgive. Showing I can crush mirth simply by being an idiot.)

FrodoSaves said...

I gotta ask. If Frodologists got no morals, then what is crimesin?

I was being facetious... about being facetious... *sigh*... I'm in too deep.

Liebenfrau milch?
Ya!!


Was that a breastfeeding joke?

The mirth is so on.

Dani' El said...

Well Frodo, I'm confident that Zilch and Anna will show up soon and blast me for my silly German parody.

I got that from my trip to Germany in 85. I went to visit a family friend in the Rhine Valley and they got me blasted on the delicious wine there.
One of which was called Liebensfrau milch.
I always thought it sounded so silly, and as I was feeling silly, I wrote it to my great shame.

Dani' El said...

I think it was supposed to be-
"Nein Danke"
As well.
Oh man.
Zilch the Nazi is going to kill me.

piggymceatsalot said...

Frodo, better dial up Jon and Kate sharpish..... they've got EIGHT little weasels ripe for the picking.

Anna Sethe said...

Dani' El said...

Well Frodo, I'm confident that Zilch and Anna will show up soon and blast me for my silly German parody.


What for? I already knew that your sense of humor was pathetic.

Happy now?

Dani' El said...

And they say the Germans have no sense of humor. Lol!

Anna, you're a card! :I

Dani' El said...

Ich haben hunge.
Munchen Untermenshen?
Nein Bitte.
Liebenfrau milch?
Ya!!

Translation-

I have hunger
Munch on some subhumans?
No, they are bitter.
How bout some Ladies milk?
Yeah!

FrodoSaves said...

I thought it was a breastfeeding joke.

Dani' El said...

It can be if you want it to be enough Frodo.

And liberal emergent Frodology is born.

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