Sunday, March 15, 2009

The Lord of the Rings (Abridged), Book I

Dramatis Personae
Frodo A hobbit; our Messiah
Bilbo His uncle, sounds suspiciously like ‘dildo’
Gandalf Wizard and avid baseball fan
Samwise Frodo’s gardener, of tubby appearance and sycophantic disposition
Merry & Pippin The Mary Kate and Ashley of hobbits, but male
Strider/Aragorn Exiled would-be King of Gondor. Oops that sort of ruined the ending
Boromir Heir of Gondor’s stewardship. I smell tension!
Gimli A dwarf with an axe to grind... ha! 
Legolas An elf
Sauron Basically the Devil
Ringwraiths His minions, nine corrupted kings who harrow Frodo on his quest and meet on Wednesdays for amateur vocal group
Gollum Former owner of Bilbo’s ring, looks something like a starving David Bowie
Saruman Evil wizard. Not a baseball fan

Book I

Impish creatures frolic in green pastures that look suspiciously like New Zealand. A wizard approaches.
FrodoGandalf! You’re late!
GandalfShut the fuck up. Where’s this party?
Bilbo, is having a party. No one remembers why. He addresses the inhabitants of the Shire.
Bilbo[Drunkenly] I tire of thee. I shall take my leave of this place on the morrow.
Oh yeah, that’s why he’s having a party. Bilbo slips on a ring, the pilfered loot of a previous book, and vanishes to the surprise of all but the countless people rereading this book for the fifth time. Frodo returns home looking for Bilbo.
FrodoDildo! Woah, where’d that come from? Bilbo, where are you?
GandalfB scarpered. Left you this funny ring. Full of evil. Should probably make yourself scarce. Must go. Tix for Wimbledon. Tara!
SamCouldn’t help but overhear you’re going on an adventure. Figured I could make myself useful to the plot. Also, I’m a tiny bit gay. Not liking this ominous music much. Maybe we should go.
Frodo and Sam encounter Merry & Pippin in a corn field violating a farmer’s daughter. They come with. The party spends a night at an inn.
StriderPretty ring you got there.
FrodoThanks. I’m waiting ‘til I get married.
StriderNo I meant that shiny one.
FrodoOh. [Grows cagey] Stranger danger! Stranger danger!
StriderRelax, my grimy, unkempt appearance is just for dramatic effect. It’ll make the revelation that I’m the heir to the throne of a distant kingdom that much more startling. Oops. Well you had to find out eventually.
Bonding and several narrow escapes ensue. Frodo is stabbed at one point by a Ringwraith who, I’ve gotta be honest here, just wasn’t trying very hard. It was probably the most gingerly poking motion I’ve ever seen. Really not promotion material. Anyway Frodo is carried by Glorfindel, an elf, on his horse to Elrond’s house for a little R & R.
Frodo[Groggily] Glorfindel… don’t you think that’s a pretty gay name?
GlorfindelI do.
The group reach the house of Elrond, who is busy showing a film crew around his mad pad for MTV’s Cribz. The show is cancelled before he can finish. Gandalf returns from Wimbledon.
ElrondAh, Mr. Anderson Baggins. Let me introduce you to an unlikely assembly of mixed race protagonists.
Boromir, Gimli, LegolasSup.
FrodoHow was Wimbledon, Gandalf?
GandalfRained out. Did some research meantime. Ring is evil. Must be destroyed. Only you can do it.
FrodoBut what about my much more muscular and capable acquaintances? I’d choose them. Surely picking me would require my audience to suspend their disbelief a little too far.
GandalfI think they’ll still go for it.
The ‘Fellowship’ departs Elrond’s with a single pony, which makes you wonder, how the hell did they all get there in the first place? I mean, it’s in the goddamn mountains. Did they walk? They walked up the mountains? And if they did have horses, why did they leave them? None of this makes sense.
GimliKinda snowy up here. Maybe we should go under the mountain.
AragornSounds easy and not in the least bit sinister. What could possibly go wrong?
Fellowship goes under the mountain. A lot goes wrong. Gandalf mistakes a bottomless crevice for the exit.
AragornYeah, grief will do that.
Fellowship notices Legolas has yet to speak. They ask him for his opinion. He suggests they spend the night in an enchanted forest full of singing woodland creatures.
GimliI hate singing woodland creatures.
ElfSay, what’s this, a band of miscreants walking through Lothlórien?
GimliWtf is Lothlórien?
ElfThe realm of the Lady Galadriel and Lord Celeborn.
MerryMr. Elf? Why is ‘Celeborn’ a typo, but ‘Galadriel’ isn’t?
Fellowship spends night in Lothlórien. Lady Galadriel gives each traveler a gift. Gimli asks for a strand of her hair, a request so gay it makes Glorfindel look like Chuck Norris. Fellowship paddles downstream in boats.
GandalfTired. Exposed beach. Threatening trees. Smell of orc. Let’s make camp.
AragornI agree. What could possibly go wrong?
Frodo goes wandering in forest. Has erotic experience on stone chair. Boromir, jealous he has been passed over as the story’s hero, wants to take the Ring from Frodo for himself.
FrodoYou can’t have it!
BoromirBut why?
FrodoGandalf said I’m the only one who can destroy it.
BoromirThat seems implausible.
FrodoYeah, it does a bit doesn’t it?
BoromirWell I don’t want it anyway. It’s only a McGuffin.
Frodo runs off. Orcs sent by evil wizard Saruman attack. Fighting and heroics ensue. Boromir takes an arrow in the chest while defending Merry. No, it was Pippin. No, Merry.
BoromirHssss… Ow!!
Boromir takes another arrow in the chest.
Boromir takes yet another arrow in the chest.
BoromirArghhhh! Oh come on!
Boromir dies in Aragorn’s arms, as the budgeting department breathes a heavy sigh of relief that they can cut one expensive cast member from the payroll. Frodo and Sam, all evidence to the contrary, decide that they can do a better job of destroying the ring by themselves. Mary Kate and Pippin are captured by orcs. Aragorn, Gimli and Legolas decide to hunt down said orcs, and delay their departure just long enough to make a convincing three-day ordeal out of the relatively simple task.

The Lord of the Rings (Abridged), Book II, coming soon!


Dani' El said...

Gollum- Former owner of Bilbo’s ring, looks something like a starving David Bowie

Or a well fed Iggy Pop.

And it's Glorfind' El.

Dani' El said...

I was curious so I googled "Iggy Pop, Gollum" and found this in an Iggy Pop bio-

Computer animators on Peter Jackson's The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring (2001) used his movement and body as a basis for the character Gollum.

Am I wasting my prophetic gifts or what?

FrodoSaves said...

Wow, that's pretty clairvoyant. Incidentally, if you ever watch the documentary on the making of the LOTR films, check out in particular the part on Andy Serkis. He played Gollum, and it was a hell of a performance considering you never actually see his face or body.

piggymceatsalot said...

I've never read the book or seen the movie (seriously), but this was yards better than any Cliff's Notes I could have found.

MTV Cribz was cancelled?!?!

Patrick said...

That was fucking awesome.

Vitamin R said...

Frodo Gandalf! You’re late!

Gandalf Shut the fuck up. Where’s this party?

ROTFLMAO! Subtle, and quick to anger, indeed :D

Strider Pretty ring you got there.

Frodo Thanks. I’m waiting ‘til I get married.

Strider No I meant that shiny one.

Frodo Oh. [Grows cagey] Stranger danger! Stranger danger!


Frodo [Groggily] Glorfindel… don’t you think that’s a pretty gay name?

Glorfindel I do.

Really. I mean, it sounds like "zinfandel".

Fellowship goes under the mountain. A lot goes wrong. Gandalf mistakes a bottomless crevice for the exit.

As have we all, at one time or another.

Frodo Gandalf!

Aragorn Yeah, grief will do that.

Aragorn is hardcore.

Merry Mr. Elf? Why is ‘Celeborn’ a typo, but ‘Galadriel’ isn’t?

Because Celeborn was pretty ineffectual and unimportant. Or at least thats what the Lothlorien establishment would have us believe.

Mary Kate and Pippin are captured by orcs.

I'm never gonna be able to watch that scene with a straight face again.

Dani' El said...

Gollum rocks.

FrodoSaves said...

I really need to add pictures to this thing. Maybe I'll put a few in retrospectively when I publish Book II.

FrodoSaves said...

Dani - yeah, I can definitely see what you mean. All the writhing around on the floor, slithering and whatnot. Some of it is pretty Jaggeresque.

Ash said...

Man this just ruined my LOTR fan status ... Seriously this was hilarious. :D

FrodoSaves said...

Patrick, Ash,

Thanks guys! Books II and III are coming up shortly.


It does sound like zinfandel (I mean zinfand'El). In fact, I think we might have had this exact same exchange last time I made that joke. How often do you think I could fit it into my posts?

UNRR said...

Would this post count as satire of religious satire?

FrodoSaves said...


Do two 'satires' cancel each other out? Is this just religious then?

Eugh, I feel so dirty.

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