Saturday, March 21, 2009

The Lord of the Rings (Abridged), Book III


The hobbits arrive in Mordor. It’s nothing like what they were shown on the pamphlet, and much of it isn’t even built yet. Frodo and Sam are disappointed, and the tension threatens to cleave their friendship in two.
SamYou promised me a beautiful honeymoon, and look where we are! Stinking marshes, bleak mountains, no wildlife, and countless English pubs full of shaven heads and football shirts. We might as well have stayed at home.
FrodoThe ‘Cock and Lion’ looks alright.
SamNo! I’m sleeping outside tonight.
Orcs cross the River Anduin into Gondor under the cover of night to sack Osgiliath.


"Is anyone actually in charge here?"
Gandalf and Merry arrive in Gondor. Gandalf and Pippin. Merry. They prepare to defend Minas Tirith against an attack from Sauron’s ugliest army yet. They watch from the walls as legions of orcs approach.
Gondor Soldier #1I say, William, they’ve got nothing on us. Look at our armor: shiny and lovely. Perfect spiffing gentlemen we are. And look at them. Disgusting!
Soldier #2Mmm, quite.
Meanwhile, Theoden and his army depart from Rohan. Desperate to fight, Merry is almost left behind, but is brought along at the last minute by some broad on a horse. Sorry, I meant Pippin.
PippinI have a pointy sword.
Broad on horseI know, I wish you weren’t sitting behind me.
Even more meanwhile, Aragorn, Gimli and Legolas are traipsing around some caves looking for a narrative device that will deliver Minas Tirith from certain doom with a swift blow of deus ex machina. They find it in an army of invincible ghost soldiers. Yep, first I'd heard of it too.
Ghost KingHow do I know you’re not going to use us as a cop out by having us defeat all of Sauron’s armies, rather than just the handful or orcs running around outside Minas Tirith?
AragornDon’t worry, there’s this convenient back story which means I’ll have to release you from your servitude after you liberate Minas Tirith, but before we go and attack Mordor proper. It’ll seem like a silly thing to do, but I didn’t write this.
Orcs attacking Minas Tirith are slaughtered by ghost army.
Soldier #1Look, William, didn’t even get my armor dirty. Don’t you think I look dashing with this flushed complexion and heavy breathing?
Soldier #2Mmm, yes.
Gollum tricks Frodo into thinking that Sam has been eating all their food. Frodo abandons Sam and decides to destroy the Ring by himself, which is funny, because so far Frodo hasn’t been able to do anything by himself. Usefully, Sam sits down and cries it out. Gollum leads Frodo into a dark cave…
FrodoYou know Gollum, I really am glad I trusted you. You’re a good friend…
Gollum[Hiding, with echoing voice] Yes, hobbit…. [Laughs]
FrodoGollum? Gollum?! Where are you?
Frodo is stung by a giant spider. Had he not immediately become paralyzed, he would have said this…
FrodoAt least Gollum had nothing to do with this.
Tear ducts empty, Sam decides he’s not a little weenie after all and goes to help Frodo. Thinking Frodo is dead, he manages to remove the Ring from Frodo right before a band of orcs find him and carry his inert body away. In hiding, Sam overhears them discussing the fact that Frodo is still alive.

Lucky they were discussing this in English, a language that Sam understood, and not their own native Mordor tongue, which Sam couldn’t speak. Yes, very lucky.

Sam rescues Frodo.
FrodoThanks for rescuing me Sam! Shame the orcs got the Ring. I was really looking forward to hiking up Mount Doom, avoiding all of those orcs, chucking it into the fire, and not making it out alive. Oh well, guess we’d better head back to the Shire.
SamNot so fast! I have the Ring! I took when I thought you were dead.
FrodoOh… Yay. Great job. Woo. Now we get to go to Mount Doom. I was so worried there for a minute, you know, that we wouldn’t get to, because the Ring was gone. Awesome.
Aware that there hasn’t been an epic battle seen for at least five minutes, Aragorn decides to attack Mordor with his vastly inferior forces.
AragornToday we fight for Frodo!
AllFor Frodo!
LegolasFrododo!
Meanwhile, Frodo and Sam approach Mount Doom.
FrodoI wonder where Gollum is.
Gollum appears from behind a boulder and throws a stone at Sam’s head.
FrodoOh, there he is.
Frodo runs up the slope and into Mount Doom to destroy the Ring.
GollumNo, Master Hobbit! Give it to me! Don’t destroy the Precious!
FrodoLook, Gollum, I’ve trusted you so far because you’ve never given me reason to do otherwise. But I really think this is something that needs to happen.
Gollum[Jumps on Frodo’s back, bites his finger off and steals the Ring] Ah ha! It’s mine! The Precious!
FrodoWhat’s this? Betrayal? What are the odds?!
Gollum falls in the fires of Mount Doom, destroying the Ring. Mordor sort of implodes. Sam and Frodo chill on a rock in the middle of a stream of lava awaiting rescue.

"That went well."



SamYou know who else had a gay name?
FrodoHmm?
SamTom Bombadil.
FrodoOh yeah, I forgot about that guy. You know who I miss?
SamWho?
FrodoGollum. He had a good heart.
A group of giant eagles rescue Frodo and Sam, who are at this point too tired to note that these birds might have come in handy earlier. Aragorn is crowned King of Gondor.

"Maybe I'll let them vote one day... Nah."


The hobbits return to the Shire to find that Saruman has escaped from Isengard to enslave the Shire. Chronic voter apathy among hobbits means that most haven't even noticed.
SamI don't remember this part.
FrodoYeah, it surprised me too. Say, good woman, what news of Hobbiton?
Hobbit womanWhat? Who are you? Oh yeah... you're them four 'obbits what went off adventuring, leavin' us 'ere to our own devices. But I thought ya was all male, if ye know what I'm sayin'.


The hobbits foster an uprising against Saruman and his lunatic policy of 'industrialization'. Saruman is betrayed and killed by Wormtongue, who is in turn slain by archers working for Al Gore.
ArcherWhat an inconvenient poof.
Frodo and Sam consummate their friendship, and by that I mean their friendship is consummate. Frodo tires of his mortal life and sails west into the Undying Lands. Presumably that means a land where people are undying, since lands don't really die, and that would just be redundant. I guess it could just be called 'Lands'. The Shire returns to normal and never industrializes thanks to vast oil reserves discovered under local hobbits' fields. It remains largely unchanged to this day. That is to say, Heaven.

21 comments:

CodewordConduit said...

Having read all three I can only say:

"Mastery".

Seriously, it's the only thing I've been able to say for days and I'm thinking of suing.

Haven't laughed so hard in ages, especially at the Frod-Gollum relationship...... "he had a good heart".... "lol"s aplenty.

Keep at it FS :D

Stan, the Half-Truth Teller said...

What I want to know is just how old did Bilbo and Frodo get? I mean, at the trilogy's beginning, Bilbo is just turning eleventy-one, so I'm curious to see if he reached his twelventies, or even his thirteenenties. Hell, I don't see any reason why one or the other couldn't reach his twentienties!

--
Stan

Dani' El said...

Hilarious!

The mary kate and ashley photo?
Lol! Well done!

I would suggest maybe "Al the Gore" or "Al of Gore".

If you do more of this type stuff, you should get more Ringsgeeks like your own self to read.

FrodoSaves said...

Thanks kids. Had fun writing them, but the formatting was a serious bitch. Re: Al Gore, I probably should have put the Wormtongue/Katherine Harris thing in the cast for the third one instead of the second, but it was a bit too late at that point!

Stan,

Well they don't really ever 'get' to a final age, since they just sail to the Lands and sort of keep on living. Science can't really explain it, but as I always say, what does science know?

Peace

FS

PhillyChief said...

"What’s this? Betrayal? What are the odds?!"

Indeed!

Dani' El said...

Frodo.
I was wondering.
Were the soldiers homosexuals?
Or just British?

Ash said...

When is the sequel coming out? :)

FrodoSaves said...

Dani,

They were just human beings ;)

---

Ash,

I'm not sure 'The Silmarillion (Abridged)' is a project I want any part in!

Dani' El said...

Frodo-
The Brits are human? Ok.
Then why did you so cruelly mock them? :P

Vitamin R said...

Meanwhile, Theoden and his army depart from Rohan. Desperate to fight, Merry is almost left behind, but is brought along at the last minute by some broad on a horse. Sorry, I meant Pippin.

Low, dude. So low. And harsh.

Frodo is stung by a giant spider. Had he not immediately become paralyzed, he would have said this…
Frodo At least Gollum had nothing to do with this.


Frodo Look, Gollum, I’ve trusted you so far because you’ve never given me reason to do otherwise. But I really think this is something that needs to happen.
Gollum [Jumps on Frodo’s back, bites his finger off and steals the Ring] Ah ha! It’s mine! The Precious!
Frodo What’s this? Betrayal? What are the odds?!


ROTFLMAO--isn't that . . . technically . . . Crimesin?

Sam You know who else had a gay name?
Frodo Hmm?
Sam Tom Bombadil.
Frodo Oh yeah, I forgot about that guy. You know who I miss?
Sam Who?
Frodo Gollum. He had a good heart.


I'm wheezing, dude. Can't stop giggling.

And I just snorted, surely the most attractive laugh of all. . . .

Archer What an inconvenient poof.

:D

I think you should totally do The Silmarillion Abridged--or The Book Of Lost Tales I and II Abridged!

FrodoSaves said...

Low, dude. So low. And harsh.

While you might be a fan of Eowyn, I challenge you to unveil a single deed that might earn her greater recognition in Frodological lore. Until then, horse-riding broad she remains.

ROTFLMAO--isn't that . . . technically . . . Crimesin?

Ah, I see you're of the reform school which likes to paint Gollum as a villain. All I can say is there is a post coming in a few days that will answer all of your questions.

I think you should totally do The Silmarillion Abridged--or The Book Of Lost Tales I and II Abridged!

The Silmarillion needs abridging. I've tried to read that thing like so many times. Ok, twice. I can't get past the fifth page! But don't tell anybody!

BeamStalk said...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q0AslxqIRI0

For your amusement, my dear Frodo.

FrodoSaves said...

BeamStalk,

YouTube's telling me the video was removed due to a terms of use violation. It's not more hobbit porn, is it? Because as I've been telling everyone recently, I'm really not into that. Anymore.

PhillyChief said...

Wow, that would satisfy multiple fetishes. Midgets, hair, perhaps even foot fetishes. Then of course you have the basement dwellers whose only human interactions are when mom makes them a sandwich, online play or the occasion Con.

Hmmm, there's a market there.

BeamStalk said...

Dammit, no it is a sketch I will find another version of it at home. They have never had anything pulled before though from the show. Basically it is pointing out what you said about the eagles and why they didn't use them from the start.

BeamStalk said...

Although there is talk of raping Gandalf....

FrodoSaves said...

Although there is talk of raping Gandalf....

Hmm, Gandalf's scrotum came up in the comments on another post. Am I missing something?

Ash said...

How about a prequel? Although now that I think about it,"The Hobbit" abridged would be a really short read...but still :)

BeamStalk said...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IRcMVMeXPQ4

BeamStalk said...

Try that one, oh and nsfw.

FrodoSaves said...

Ash,

I also think the problem with The Hobbit is that it doesn't take itself as seriously as LOTR, so it'd be harder to make fun of. Maybe by the time the film comes out that will have changed!

-----

BeamStalk,

Thanks for the link. I put the thing about the eagles in there following on from a question CC asked in response to one post, which prompted me to write Frodology's FAQ. I do enjoy poking at a plot hole or two.

Fun fact: in scripture, plot holes are known as 'verses open to interpretation'.