Tuesday, March 10, 2009

The Ring (of non-desire)

Wait! Sex Week might have officially finished, but that doesn't mean we can't still talk about it. A guest author, who likes to known as Anonymous, has submitted this thought-provoking study on the shortcomings of purity rings. 

This article is about to raise a question which was so hotly debated that when it was first posed back in 1996 it almost broke the internet. “What does Frodo think about purity rings?” I should say that I honestly don’t know how Frodo feels about sex; but, I am confident that I could manipulate at least some of the Scriptures in such a way to make it seem like Frodo is massively against it. It is from this proved and logical premise we move forward.

Here is an all too familiar conversation that people who wear purity rings regularly have:

Jane: “Do you like my new ring?”
Blake: “It’s cool. You take it off when you give handjobs right? Looks like it could be painful.”
Jane: “I don’t ever take it off. It stops me from having sex.”
Blake: “Oh cool. How does it work?”
Jane: “Er… ”
Blake: “Any chance of a footjob?”

You see the problem with other faiths is that their purity rings have no real power to stop people from having sex. It's all willpower this and shame that. Both of those things are dead unreliable. This is a worrying fact. What we need is some new thinking. A new perspective. We need a sort of Purity Ring 2.0. We need boner fide technology to physically stop people from having sex... Here are just three of my suggestions:

1. The ring has a refillable cartridge that releases anti-pheromones:

Pheromones clearly work. Why would people buy them if they didn’t? Also, Frodo loves commodities. Imagine this money-making to and fro at your local store:

Assistant: How can I help you today?
Father: We are looking for a refill cartridge for our son’s purity ring?
Assistant: Hmmm… I see that you have been using the Mickey Rourke plug in. Have you thought about changing him to the Danny De Vito Deluxe package? That’ll keep the ladies away.
Father: Sold shopkeep. We also have a young daughter. What do you recommend for her to repel the boys?
Assistant: The Whoopi Goldberg is our bestseller.

2. The ring is made of Kryptonite

Run with me on this one. Superman is probably the hardest man alive. Yet, when he even goes near Kryptonite he gets bad headaches, adopts the foetal position, grimaces, etc. Everyone knows you can’t have sex with a headache. So what would happen if a normal kid went near Kryptonite? Exactly. On the downside Kryptonite is fictional, expensive and rare. On the other hand Lex Luther is well into Frodology.

3. The ring is so shiny that any sort of romantic “navigation” is impossible due to blindness

A lot of you have thought ‘what can hip hop teach Frodology?’ I don’t know and it is completely off the topic of this article. I didn’t know a lot about sex before writing this but thanks to a fascinating link I found after googling the phrase ‘stimulus package’ I think I get a good idea of how it’s done. In light of this new knowledge, what would happen if the ring was super shiny? Hello! Here is a believable scenario that reflects my new found understanding of sex:

Claire: What are you doing? You’re hurting me.
Dan: Sorry, I can’t see anything! Your ring is blinding me.
Claire: What can we do?
Dan: I guess we’ll have to stop.
[Claire looks disappointedly at the cameraman]

Even in the early days of purity rings, 
wearers had difficult convincing others of their sincerity


Dani' El said...

Hey Frodo.
Didja see my sex video?


FrodoSaves said...


Glad to see you back. I hope you're keeping well. I have to say I was honestly quite concerned when you disappeared for a few weeks. I haven't checked out your video yet, but I will do. Are you going to be making your way down to Hollywood to direct for Fox Searchlight? Hah! I would probably start believing in miracles if that happened.

Take care of yourself, Danny Boy.


piggymceatsalot said...

A-nonny-muss: I think you're on to something. But you've missed out on a massive demographic. What about the tweens?? When not sexting these days they're self-treating to fantasies from Twilight. It's wrong and it must be stopped.

To run with your Whoopi idea - as applies to children born after 1995.... could you please consider:

- the Jane Goody (poor taste but a real turn off)
- the Jessica Simpson 2009 version (cow!)
- the ugly redhead from Harry Potter (yiiiikes)
- the Hayley Duff (woof!)

If, with Frodo's help, we could mass produce these minger-jewels, no youthful loins will be exercised any time soon.

Dani' El said...

Frod Stewart.

"If you think I'm sexy
Cuz my feet are furry
C'mon baby let me know!"

Thanks for your pra...uh thoughts/concerns.

Yeah it got a bit hairy for a bit there, and I don't mean feet.
As they say in my neighborhood,
"Gnome saying?" or is it,
"Gnome sane?"

Some friends got threatened and a couple of them disappeared from the innerwebz, so I decided to lay low until it blew over.
I thought they were going to arrest me again, but it never came.
Thank God.

It's not like you to not watch a sex video, even one made by a Fundie. Take that fool ring off and take a look.
I'd appreciate your feedback.

Howzit going with you?
I PRAY that you are well and that the LORD has not smitten you with a Pox as He is sure to do if you don't knock off the Blasmockery.

Baruch HaShem,
God is Judge (Dani' El)

FrodoSaves said...

"I know I keep you amused but I feel Im being used
Oh Frodo I couldnt have tried any more"

I have not been accursed with a pox or any such ailment just yet, and in general I am doing well, thank you. The blogging is moving along smoothly enough, but it's a shame you missed out on Sex Week.

I'm currently trying to load your video, but my internet connection is a bit dodgy and it's struggling to load more than a few seconds at a time. Still, I shall persevere. So far I've seen David Duchovny's head, Hannibal Lecter with a nipple ring, and the entertaining ladies of Desperate Housewives, and I am totally digging the sound track.

I shall keep you posted!

Dani' El said...

Yeah, that's frustrating isn't it?

If it's any faster, I also have it up on Youtube.


When considering what tune to use, the Beck song "Hell yes" popped right up in my mind.

I was pleased to discover that the lyrics fit to a tee.
Beck used to be one of my faves, but as you know, I put all that stuff away in 05, and that includes "sex week" on a Frodolatry blog.

Vitamin R said...

Lex Luthor is a Frodologist? I dunno. . . .

Sugesstion #2 is the best, but I think that instead of making the rings out of a substance that is fictitious, rare and expensive, it should be made out of a metal that is real, not uncommon, moderately priced, pretty, and most importantly . . . easily irradiated.


Yes . . . irradiated pewter. Let's see Dan or Blake succumb to temptation whilst fighting the effects of radiation poisoning.