This article is about to raise a question which was so hotly debated that when it was first posed back in 1996 it almost broke the internet. “What does Frodo think about purity rings?” I should say that I honestly don’t know how Frodo feels about sex; but, I am confident that I could manipulate at least some of the Scriptures in such a way to make it seem like Frodo is massively against it. It is from this proved and logical premise we move forward.
Here is an all too familiar conversation that people who wear purity rings regularly have:
Jane: “Do you like my new ring?”
Blake: “It’s cool. You take it off when you give handjobs right? Looks like it could be painful.”
Jane: “I don’t ever take it off. It stops me from having sex.”
Blake: “Oh cool. How does it work?”
Jane: “Er… ”
Blake: “Any chance of a footjob?”
You see the problem with other faiths is that their purity rings have no real power to stop people from having sex. It's all willpower this and shame that. Both of those things are dead unreliable. This is a worrying fact. What we need is some new thinking. A new perspective. We need a sort of Purity Ring 2.0. We need boner fide technology to physically stop people from having sex... Here are just three of my suggestions:
1. The ring has a refillable cartridge that releases anti-pheromones:
Pheromones clearly work. Why would people buy them if they didn’t? Also, Frodo loves commodities. Imagine this money-making to and fro at your local store:
Assistant: How can I help you today?
Father: We are looking for a refill cartridge for our son’s purity ring?
Assistant: Hmmm… I see that you have been using the Mickey Rourke plug in. Have you thought about changing him to the Danny De Vito Deluxe package? That’ll keep the ladies away.
Father: Sold shopkeep. We also have a young daughter. What do you recommend for her to repel the boys?
Assistant: The Whoopi Goldberg is our bestseller.
2. The ring is made of Kryptonite
Run with me on this one. Superman is probably the hardest man alive. Yet, when he even goes near Kryptonite he gets bad headaches, adopts the foetal position, grimaces, etc. Everyone knows you can’t have sex with a headache. So what would happen if a normal kid went near Kryptonite? Exactly. On the downside Kryptonite is fictional, expensive and rare. On the other hand Lex Luther is well into Frodology.
3. The ring is so shiny that any sort of romantic “navigation” is impossible due to blindness
A lot of you have thought ‘what can hip hop teach Frodology?’ I don’t know and it is completely off the topic of this article. I didn’t know a lot about sex before writing this but thanks to a fascinating link I found after googling the phrase ‘stimulus package’ I think I get a good idea of how it’s done. In light of this new knowledge, what would happen if the ring was super shiny? Hello! Here is a believable scenario that reflects my new found understanding of sex:
Claire: What are you doing? You’re hurting me.
Dan: Sorry, I can’t see anything! Your ring is blinding me.
Claire: What can we do?
Dan: I guess we’ll have to stop.
[Claire looks disappointedly at the cameraman]
Even in the early days of purity rings,
wearers had difficult convincing others of their sincerity