Wednesday, March 18, 2009

The Lord of the Rings (Abridged), Book II


(Further) Dramatis Personae
Eowyn Largely unimportant filler character who falls in love with Aragorn, then settles for....
Faramir Brother of Boromir, ranger of Gondor and casual philatelist
Eomer Brother of Eowyn, used to fighting hordes of orcs but unable to fight his way into the abridged script
Polymer A high tensile plastic
Wormtongue Nickname of former Secretary of State of Florida, Katherine Harris

In case you missed it, the story began with Book I. Last we saw, Frodo and Sam were boldly setting off in the direction of Mordor to destroy the Ring; Merry and Pippin were captured by orcs who'd yet to discover that, just like Chinese people, all hobbits look the same; and Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli took in the sights of beautiful North Gondor before setting out to rescue the Olsen hobbits.


AragornThe orcs are two days ahead. We have a hard trek ahead of us.
GimliOMFG! Why didn’t we just leave when I said we should? And why didn’t we bring our horses?
LegolasPeshffsdff fuddd
GimliWhat?
LegolasPeshhenf duff
GimliSeriously… what?
Legolas[Rubbing his jaw] Patience, dwarf. Sorry, it’s been weeks since I last spoke.
Aragorn, Gimli and Legolas pursue the orcs, who are butchered by the Celts men of Rohan. Merry and Pippin manage to escape the orcs during the attack, hide in a nearby forest, and encounter some ents, basically walking talking trees. It’s as dull as it sounds, so we’re going to skip that bit.
Aragorn[Staring at pile of dead orcs] Bummer. Looks like those Rohan dudes got Merry and Pippin too. Maybe we should have stayed with Frodo and Sam like Gandalf told us to in the first place and not wasted all that time.
GandalfYo. Not dead. Hobbits alive too. With ents.
GimliEnts?
GandalfWalking talking trees.
GimliSounds kind of gay.
GandalfYeah. Pretty boring. Going to Rohan to get help from King. Come with?
GimliFo sho.
Theoden, King of Rohan under some sort of spell cast by Saruman. Gandalf breaks it.
GandalfThat’s two strikes, Saruman.
AragornI don’t think he can hear you.
TheodenGood to be back. What’s shaking?
GandalfOrcs. Attacking. Must go to fortress. Helm’s Deep. Hide.
TheodenAre you sure? It’s awfully drafty this time of year.
All of Rohan travels to Helm’s Deep under edict of Gandalf. Gandalf meanwhile goes off to look for help.
Serf #1Great, now we have two kings.
Serf #2Those pamphlets of yours really aren’t working.
Serf #1Well maybe if you helped out once in a while.
Serf #2Easy for you to say! I’ve got a mortgage and six kids to raise on a government pension. You’re still living at home.
Serf #1It makes sense for me financially.
Serf #2No one who still lives with his parents has ever been elected president of anything.
Serf #1Shut up! I’m going to get my own place, it’s just not the right time.
Serf #2The ‘right time’? It’s never the right time with you. You’re pathetic.
Serf #1Ugh. You’re just. Gah. You don’t understand. It’s not. Grr. I hate you.
On the way to Helm's Deep, the groups fights off an attack by orcs and Aragorn fights off sexual advances from a minor character.

"M'lady, I cannot lie... you'd be my Plan B."
Saruman’s orcs attack Helm’s Deep. Their crude weapons are no match for thick stone walls.
TheodenThis is going well.
A wall explodes in a cacophonous boom.
CaptainLooks like Saruman’s invented gunpowder.
TheodenWhat did you say?
CaptainI said it looks like Saruman has invented gunpowder.
TheodenWhat’s gunpowder?
CaptainI don’t know, but it clearly makes big explosions.
TheodenWell why did you call it that?
CaptainBecause that’s what it’s called.
TheodenWhy isn’t it just called ‘explosive powder’?
CaptainI don’t know. It’s just called ‘gunpowder’.
TheodenBut what’s a gun?
CaptainI… I, I don’t know. [Stammers]
TheodenIt just seems like a strange thing to say. ‘Gunpowder’. Hmm.
Things go poorly until Gandalf turns up in the nick of time and wipes out the orcs.
GandalfStrike three, Saruman.
Gandalf, Aragorn, Gimli, Legolas, Theoden and his army go to Isengard, home of Saruman to register a complaint. They arrive to discover that the ents, under encouragement of Merry and Pippin, have destroyed it, bankrupting Saruman Industries Inc. Theoden’s plans to sue Saruman for damages are abandoned for wont of assets sufficient to settle the claim.

Meanwhile, Frodo and Sam are trekking through hostile country on the way to Mordor when they discover an unlikely creature.
GollumSurprise! Give me my ring back, hobbits!
FrodoOh, it’s you. When he said ‘unlikely creature’ I was hoping it would be… well, nevermind.[Hastily rolls up a magazine and puts it back in his bag]
SamI think we should put a rope around this fella. I don’t trust him.
FrodoHe’ll be fine. You should really have more faith in people, Sam.
Gollum betrays them.
SamCan I put a leash on him now?
FrodoI suppose, but you should really learn to be more forgiving and trusting, Sam.
Gollum agrees to lead them to Mordor, mostly because he doesn't have a choice. We call this 'duress', and while it might make you feel big, it just makes you a bully. No one likes a bully.
Meanwhile, the hobbits are waylayed by Faramir.
FaramirAh, the Ringbearer. You must give it to me, Frodo. The Ring is a gift to Gondor.
FrodoIt won't be if you steal it.
FaramirGive it to me! Gondor will use the Ring as a great weapon against Mordor.
FrodoBut how will you use it?
FaramirWell, um, I guess I'll put it on, and um, go invisible, and then... maybe if... I, I haven't really thought this through.
FrodoAnd that's why you're a minor character. Later, Fillermir.
SamNice leather bodice, jerk. [Aside to Faramir] I'm so sorry, I totally didn't mean that, it actually looks super. [Winks at Faramir]

"I like it too, milord"
Gollum leads Frodo and Sam away from Gondor into Mordor. He makes a plan to retrieve the Ring from Frodo
Gollum[To himself] The hobbits have the precious, and they want to destroy it! But we can't lets them, can we precious? No, no we can't. Even if hobbits are good to us. No, we must take them to Her... yes, She will deal with them...
FrodoGollum! Could you please keep it down? I'm trying to convince Sam to trust you and I can barely hear myself think.
Our story ends here. Temporarily. There's another whole book. I know, can you believe it? Check back soon for Book III!

8 comments:

Dani' El said...

Typo third Leo*las down.

I like bullys and I'm feeling humorless.

Funny tho'

~87)>

FrodoSaves said...

Cheers Dani. Fixed ;)

Stan, the Half-Truth Teller said...

Filatelist? Or philatelist? Anyway, it's just a hobby, and clearly the other characters have non-philately as their hobbies...

I'm eagerly awaiting Book III -- I want to see if the Abridged version herein deals with the travesty visited upon the trilogy by Jackson and company... You know, the leaving out of the hobbits' return to the Shire...

--
Stan

FrodoSaves said...

Oh balls, typos all over the place. I can vouch for the rest of the cast and affirm that they are indeed all keen non-philatelists.

Well Jackson didn't leave it out, so much as include the most boring parts and let it drag on for a good 40 minutes or so. Maybe he thought his audience were weary of fighting and wanted some resolution. Maybe he should have asked around and found out that small people kicking ass will always sell.

Dani' El said...

Typo or misspelling?

Liar! Liar! Liar!

(I've been hanging round the 'tractors too long! Lol!)

yunshui said...

I enjoyed this. You know, if you fleshed it out a bit, maybe added some buttock-numbingly lengthy descriptive passages and bolted on some highly convoluted faux-medieval mythology, you could probably turn it into a book.

Vitamin R said...

Eowyn Largely unimportant filler character who falls in love with Aragorn, then settles for....

She was awesome! Way cooler than Arwen. Plus, I can't stand Liv Tyler.

Polymer A high tensile plastic

::snorfles::

Wormtongue Nickname of former Secretary of State of Florida, Katherine Harris

Or as I like to call her: Misersquint.

Merry and Pippin were captured by orcs who'd yet to discover that, just like Chinese people, all hobbits look the same;

And also, like Chinese people, eat them, and an hour later, you're hungry again.

Gandalf Yo. Not dead. Hobbits alive too. With ents.
Gimli Ents?
Gandalf Walking talking trees.
Gimli Sounds kind of gay.
Gandalf Yeah. Pretty boring. Going to Rohan to get help from King. Come with?
Gimli Fo sho.


It's just like being in the theater again. . . .

And the serfs! Holy Grail-esque and pitch-perfect.

Gandalf Strike three, Saruman.

This time: it's personal.

Frodo Oh, it’s you. When he said ‘unlikely creature’ I was hoping it would be… well, nevermind.[Hastily rolls up a magazine and puts it back in his bag]

Oh--you have to name the magazine!

Gollum agrees to lead them to Mordor, mostly because he doesn't have a choice. We call this 'duress', and while it might make you feel big, it just makes you a bully. No one likes a bully.

That was Special . . . Afterschool Special. . . .

And that's why you're a minor character. Later, Fillermir.

Hah!

Off to read the next book :D

FrodoSaves said...

It's just like being in the theater again. . . .

I'm glad to have found a fellow appreciator of the wordy exposition. It's a dying art, you know.

And the serfs! Holy Grail-esque and pitch-perfect.

Aw, you noticed... *blushes*

Oh--you have to name the magazine!

The December (Third Age) 3018 issue of Unshaved. A hobbit has needs, you know.