Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Health and Safety’s “grave concerns” for Rapture

Evangelicals in the United Kingdom became forlorn today at the news that Health and Safety has “grave concerns” about the safety of the End Times in general and the Rapture in particular, and that it plans to audit the event to ensure its compliance with government and EU standards.

The potential failure of the Rapture to meet Health and Safety requirements came to the attention of director Jonathan Brady as he was walking down the high street doing some Saturday afternoon shipping. “I was actually off duty at the time,” remarked Brady, “but a gentleman was there proclaiming that the streets would run with the blood of unbelievers.”

Though bloody streets specifically are beyond Mr. Brady’s field of expertise, “it sounded like something Health and Safety might be interested in slash statutorily obliged to regulate,” he explained. Indeed, it is frequently the unseen patches of blood, or “black blood,” that are most dangerous. They can often cause the elderly to slip and break a hip, or perhaps just wobble a bit.

“Woahh,” they might say, before recovering their balance and carrying on their way.

Upon further investigation of the Rapture, Health and Safety found all sorts of serious statutory contraventions. For example, they will want to be absolutely satisfied that ascenders into Heaven will have a railing to grip due to the great heights involved. Signs reading “Risk of death. Wear appropriate footwear” will also be mandatory during the Rapture.

Event organizers have already spoken out against the tentative plans of Health and Safety to move the thunder and lightning portions of the Rapture to less inhabited areas, arguing that it “totally defeats the purpose.” Justifying the decision, an official assured concerned would-be participants that they appreciate the importance of smiting to the Rapture, but warned that there must be no risk of lasting auditory or ocular damage.

The plagues in particular are a source of contention, and it is thought that unless they can go ahead without jeopardizing the safety of the working environment, they will be cancelled outright.

Government officials are also worried about the potentially discriminatory effect of the Rapture against non-Christians. In order to comply with European Union equal rights legislation, they warned that the law requires that an equal proportion of Muslims, Hindus, non-believers, and Other be struck down and taken to Heaven too. Event organizers commented only that they could “make no promises.”

3 comments:

CodewordConduit said...

Ack it's all so British.

And true as well.

Question: Are fetuses raptured?

Vitamin R said...

Well. At least some nations are showing common sense over this Rapture-foofaraw. I just hope they also have the foresight to provide the Raptured with airsickness bags and the "left behinds" with some sort of spew-proof plastic ponchos.

A little thoughtfulness really does go a long way.

FrodoSaves said...

Angels will also be required to ensure that Rapturees are comfortable with operating the emergency exit, and to ask them to read the safety card with its cartoonish, implausibly calm characters.

CC - Rapture fetuses, as per your suggestion a couple of weeks ago, are the subject of an upcoming post!