Life begins at conception (and ends when you die)

It may not have escaped our readers’ attention that Frodology is sometimes at odds with some of Christianity’s main tenets. Indeed, some have suggested that by failing to mimic it more completely Frodology would fail should it ever become just a satirical mockery of the real thing. Readers would tire of the inconsistent impersonation and yearn for some more accessible jokes. “Just make it funny, dammit!” they might say. Luckily Frodology is a real faith so we won’t face that problem. As it is we just have to skirt the criticism we receive for irrelevant digressions when we should really be introducing the topic at hand.

So it may come as a pleasant surprise to learn that Frodology is on board with Christianity when it comes to abortion. It really is summed up best by truncating what is an emotionally, morally, and legally complex issue into that tritely misleading simplification “pro-life.” Abortionists, on the other hand, are “pro-choice,” and kill babies on a whim, as the moment takes them. We use the term “babies” of course to refer to fetuses, shirking the use of that more accurate word for one more emotive, ambiguous and politically useful. Also, the motive in killing a baby is irrelevant, because it is the deed, not the thoughts behind it, that constitutes the crime. Despite what the law says, circumstances just don't matter.

To combat the turpitude of abortionists we have launched the “Abortion is for Quitters” campaign. With some selective research and a handful of advantageous findings, we have started the campaign as we believe that most women considering abortion simply need a boost in confidence. “With a ‘you can do it!’ attitude, the campaign aims to get women pumped up about their unwanted pregnancies,” said spokesman Jeff Phillips. “We do this by encouraging them to think of their unborn children as presents, and by assuring them that birth will be like unwrapping a fun toy. Everyone likes toys.” The Amish don’t like toys, but I don’t see how that’s relevant.


Fig. 1, The Amish: rarely relevant to anything

Of course when dialogue and peaceful programs aren’t successful, the campaign can always turn to violence. It is truly a cheering aspect of democracy that the majority can always be convinced of their errors by shouting louder and blowing things up. Critics have argued that avoiding legal process is a form of coercion. But we can change their minds. Oh yes.

This seems like a fortuitous opportunity to introduce the corollary element of our life begins at conception position. This is that life also ends when we kill you. While this might seem like an obvious tautology, the careless reader should be made aware of the implicit threat contained therein. Frodologists are ardent in their beliefs and are ready to kill those who disagree with them, in order to protect the lives of unborn, unnamed, and unloved fetuses.

It’s ironic really. Before the advent of biology and microscopes, everyone thought that conception was a heavenly miracle, ordained by the ravenous desire of wanton patriarchs. A charming image maybe, but we have of course since learned of the role of sex cells and funny little things called zygotes. We were thus able to extend our righteous religious law as science made its own advances. In other words, without science, we never would have even known of abortion to be able to condemn it as a sin. Science and religion can be awkward bedfellows, but not this time!


Fig. 2, I think somebody likes you...