Life begins at conception (and ends when you die)

It may not have escaped our readers’ attention that Frodology is sometimes at odds with some of Christianity’s main tenets. Indeed, some have suggested that by failing to mimic it more completely Frodology would fail should it ever become just a satirical mockery of the real thing. Readers would tire of the inconsistent impersonation and yearn for some more accessible jokes. “Just make it funny, dammit!” they might say. Luckily Frodology is a real faith so we won’t face that problem. As it is we just have to skirt the criticism we receive for irrelevant digressions when we should really be introducing the topic at hand.

So it may come as a pleasant surprise to learn that Frodology is on board with Christianity when it comes to abortion. It really is summed up best by truncating what is an emotionally, morally, and legally complex issue into that tritely misleading simplification “pro-life.” Abortionists, on the other hand, are “pro-choice,” and kill babies on a whim, as the moment takes them. We use the term “babies” of course to refer to fetuses, shirking the use of that more accurate word for one more emotive, ambiguous and politically useful. Also, the motive in killing a baby is irrelevant, because it is the deed, not the thoughts behind it, that constitutes the crime. Despite what the law says, circumstances just don't matter.

To combat the turpitude of abortionists we have launched the “Abortion is for Quitters” campaign. With some selective research and a handful of advantageous findings, we have started the campaign as we believe that most women considering abortion simply need a boost in confidence. “With a ‘you can do it!’ attitude, the campaign aims to get women pumped up about their unwanted pregnancies,” said spokesman Jeff Phillips. “We do this by encouraging them to think of their unborn children as presents, and by assuring them that birth will be like unwrapping a fun toy. Everyone likes toys.” The Amish don’t like toys, but I don’t see how that’s relevant.


Fig. 1, The Amish: rarely relevant to anything

Of course when dialogue and peaceful programs aren’t successful, the campaign can always turn to violence. It is truly a cheering aspect of democracy that the majority can always be convinced of their errors by shouting louder and blowing things up. Critics have argued that avoiding legal process is a form of coercion. But we can change their minds. Oh yes.

This seems like a fortuitous opportunity to introduce the corollary element of our life begins at conception position. This is that life also ends when we kill you. While this might seem like an obvious tautology, the careless reader should be made aware of the implicit threat contained therein. Frodologists are ardent in their beliefs and are ready to kill those who disagree with them, in order to protect the lives of unborn, unnamed, and unloved fetuses.

It’s ironic really. Before the advent of biology and microscopes, everyone thought that conception was a heavenly miracle, ordained by the ravenous desire of wanton patriarchs. A charming image maybe, but we have of course since learned of the role of sex cells and funny little things called zygotes. We were thus able to extend our righteous religious law as science made its own advances. In other words, without science, we never would have even known of abortion to be able to condemn it as a sin. Science and religion can be awkward bedfellows, but not this time!


Fig. 2, I think somebody likes you...

Cure for Homosexuality Found

Good news for gays and gay-haters alike today from the world of science as researchers believe they have found a cure for homosexuality. The cure is a serum in the form of a series of injections into the fatty tissue of the gluteus maximus. Taking it up the rear has puzzlingly been the only reliable method of administering the cure.

The serum has been synthesized from the DNA of non-gay monkeys, bringing an interesting panoply of animal rights and gay rights activists onto the streets outside the company’s facility today. While some protesters were generic supporters of any liberal cause and thus found themselves immobilized by their four-sided sandwich boards, most predictably started fighting each other as a result of being unable to decide which über liberal cause was more important.

Initial tests are proving positive. Every rat that received the serum has died, leading scientists to conclude that all rodents of the genus Rattus fantabulous are incurably gay. Homosexual monkeys are no longer showing signs of gayness either, but it may still be too early to tell. All test subjects are still in the state of inoculation known as the ‘coma’.

Scientists are however puzzled that despite finding the cure, HIV is still running rampant in every continent. Since it is widely held that the lethal virus was a punishment from God for tolerating homosexuality, the researchers had hoped that their efforts would be rewarded. Had they been able to curb the spread of HIV, they would have been eligible for the supremely rare Nobel Prize known as the ‘Twofer’.

One interesting conclusion that can be drawn from this study is that praying is apparently a total waste of time. Congregations across the United States have been praying for years that homosexuals be cured and their souls be redeemed. This has clearly been to no avail since all along the answer ironically lay in science, long the most unwelcome of bedfellows for Christians of all stripes.

This of course is a double-edged vindication of what Frodologists properly knew all along: homosexuality is curable but Christians are still wrong. Unfortunately this leaves legions of gay priests in an uncomfortable position. Those who were merely satisfied to tepidly pray for their own souls rather than face some hard truths will now be expected to take the serum and quite possibly die for their own convictions that they are baleful sinners.

It looks to be a turbulent few months ahead for the Catholic Church.

Accelerating particles, or accelerating us all to Hell?

An eminent Frodologist scientist, author of The Large Hadron Collider: State-Sponsored Witchcraft, has made waves in the press recently for lambasting the world’s largest particle accelerator as a portent of doom. And if you think I’m exaggerating, you should read his award-winning article published in Scientific American, “Excessively Verbose use of Language as a Portent of Doom”. Truly enthralling stuff.

And while we agree that these magic tricks going on deep underground in a tunnel in Switzerland will probably spell the end for our existence, we don’t necessarily agree with his conclusion. See, ‘doom’ is such a messy, negative, unscientific word. Officially, Frodology much prefers use of the emotively neutral ‘Apocalypse’. Well, technically we call it the Frodocalypse.

Why are we looking forward to the Frodocalypse? Because through embracing the opportunity to contribute our own paltry masses to the phenomenal density of the black hole that will suck us thither, we will be bound to a land of Good & Plenty. No, wait, they’re sold by Hershey’s. Bread and honey? Milk and honey? Wine and cheese? It doesn’t matter. We will enter a land of bounty, despite the logical contradictions involved therewith. It is said that Frodo promised that, on their deaths, believers would receive seventy-two Virgin Atlantic Flying Club points.

In any case, the race to the Apocalypse is heating up out there, and considering some of the alternatives to the Frodocalypse, we’re confident that most people would prefer our version of paradise. In the States, black people nationwide are agitating for the Tupacalypse, while Hassidic Jews are preparing for a very curly Sidelockalypse. And in the belfries of rural Ireland, cries can be heard of Holyfockalypse!

Cynics note that, at least scientifically speaking, there is minimal chance of the Big Bang reoccurring, and very probably, life will carry on as usual. But I’ve been thinking. Christian creationists criticize the theory for being unable to explain what came before it. Who created the Big Bang? It seems obvious now that the only possible candidate is Frodo. That’s right. Frodo created the Big Bang. You might say he banged and he banged big. But he doesn’t want us to know. No, because how Frodo bangs is his little secret. It’s personal. So when these conjurers manage to smash some dust particles together, as is my understanding of the process, Frodo will go Dr Strangelove on our asses.

Thus it came as a tragic shock today to learn that the LHC is temporarily disabled while it undergoes repairs. Surely, we must be calm and patient as we sit and contemplate the approaching End of Days. But at the same time, it worries me that the LHC will never fully get going. Something about the project smacks of underachievement. This Hadron, for one, is a dubious choice to pilot the tests. His last public works project, Hadron’s Wall, failed to keep the Scots out of England and now sits a very unimposing three feet off the ground. And what’s this about shooting particles around at almost the speed of light? Gee, that’s almost impressive.

So, unfortunately, we are forced to conclude that, however desirable it may be, there will be no Big Bang, and there will be no Frodocalypse. Nor will there be any free upgrades on Virgin Atlantic, or an extra ten kilos of luggage allowance. Life tomorrow will be much like life was two months ago. Except that our savings will have evaporated and our bankers will be unemployed.

Snap.