Marriage is between a dog and his cat

Controversial news from the lower echelons of the animal kingdom today as legislation regarding interspecies marriage will soon be put to the vote. Despite a recent court decision which ruled that it was unconstitutional to prevent dogs from marrying other dogs, conservative voters have turned out en masse to protest and call for a legislative ban, in some cases even missing church.

Though displaying implacable collective bigotry, each protester was found to be refreshingly open-minded when questioned. “Oh, it’s not that I’m canine-phobic,” assured a rosy-cheeked Betty Greene, casually waving a God hates dags sign, “I just think the traditional definition of marriage shouldn’t be tinkered with. You know, traditionally marriage is between a dog and his cat. It’s important. For tradition.” Added Mrs. Greene, “and I just found the sign, it’s not mine.”

Indeed, rather than a phalanx of vitriolic bigots with dozens of prejudicial posters, each belonging to someone else, these protesters are better seen simply as concerned, outspoken individuals. In their own way, each is a thoroughly caring person. “Oh, of course I agree same-species couples should have the same rights,” explained bank manager Jeff Scott, “they just shouldn’t be allowed to marry. ‘Cause, you know, if a same-species couple I don’t know marries, then somehow, that makes my own loveless marriage mean less.”

Mr. Scott also deflected criticism that their campaign was burning money that could have been better spent elsewhere. “Wasting money? Absolutely not. It’s very subjective. You see, preventing dogs from marrying each other is one of the most important goals of my life.” In addition, many of the people featuring in their expensive television ads were happy to wok for free, such is the threat of same-species marriage.

Some protesters offered other reasons for opposing homospecial marriage. “Dogs marrying dogs just isn’t within the traditional definition of ‘marriage’. Oh, we covered that already? Hmm, well how about this: dogs can’t have puppies with each other. Oh, they can? I still think we should recognize the traditional definition of marriage.”

Several more fundamentalist protesters have opined that, in any case, this particular sexual relationship is completely unnatural and unheard of in the animal kingdom, outside of penguins, several species of monkeys, apes, humans, elephants, dolphins, lions, sheep, 1,490 other species, and dogs themselves.

“We just need to recognize that ‘marriage’ traditionally means a union between a dog and a cat, or even historically a dog and several cats. There’s no mention in the Bib – er, history books – of dog-on-dog, or doggie style bonding. It’s tradition, and we should respect that,” concluded Mrs. Greene. “Oh, I’m sorry, I have to go home. My husband needs his dinner cooking.”


How it should be

Cure for Homosexuality Found

Good news for gays and gay-haters alike today from the world of science as researchers believe they have found a cure for homosexuality. The cure is a serum in the form of a series of injections into the fatty tissue of the gluteus maximus. Taking it up the rear has puzzlingly been the only reliable method of administering the cure.

The serum has been synthesized from the DNA of non-gay monkeys, bringing an interesting panoply of animal rights and gay rights activists onto the streets outside the company’s facility today. While some protesters were generic supporters of any liberal cause and thus found themselves immobilized by their four-sided sandwich boards, most predictably started fighting each other as a result of being unable to decide which über liberal cause was more important.

Initial tests are proving positive. Every rat that received the serum has died, leading scientists to conclude that all rodents of the genus Rattus fantabulous are incurably gay. Homosexual monkeys are no longer showing signs of gayness either, but it may still be too early to tell. All test subjects are still in the state of inoculation known as the ‘coma’.

Scientists are however puzzled that despite finding the cure, HIV is still running rampant in every continent. Since it is widely held that the lethal virus was a punishment from God for tolerating homosexuality, the researchers had hoped that their efforts would be rewarded. Had they been able to curb the spread of HIV, they would have been eligible for the supremely rare Nobel Prize known as the ‘Twofer’.

One interesting conclusion that can be drawn from this study is that praying is apparently a total waste of time. Congregations across the United States have been praying for years that homosexuals be cured and their souls be redeemed. This has clearly been to no avail since all along the answer ironically lay in science, long the most unwelcome of bedfellows for Christians of all stripes.

This of course is a double-edged vindication of what Frodologists properly knew all along: homosexuality is curable but Christians are still wrong. Unfortunately this leaves legions of gay priests in an uncomfortable position. Those who were merely satisfied to tepidly pray for their own souls rather than face some hard truths will now be expected to take the serum and quite possibly die for their own convictions that they are baleful sinners.

It looks to be a turbulent few months ahead for the Catholic Church.