Mormons and the Utahraptor

Recent scientific discussion about the possibility of cloning a woolly mammoth has set imaginations alight, but the joyous possibility of throwing caution to the wind by tinkering with the genomes of extinct species is not placating everyone’s fears.

Some groups are understandably concerned about the ethics of bringing back creatures that were killed off in their entirety, either by nature, or the violent floodwaters of a vengeful God - so, again, nature. Others, like mathematician Ian Malcolm of Jurassic Park fame, are primarily worried about the consequences of reintroducing a foreign species into the global ecosystem, and secondarily keen to note that the lack of italics means that it’s a real place.

Mormons, predictably out of sync with the rest of society, are however worried about the implications should dinosaurs return for a second round on Earth. Indeed, as it turns out, one in particular - Utahraptor ostrommaysi – features prominently in Mormon lore, and they have no wish to see it return. 

The Utahraptor, thought to have first been discovered in 1991 in the Cedar Mountains of Utah, was heralded as a great find by the scientific community. Scientists quickly became aware of its awesome ferocity after it stole the italics of the novel it featured in while refusing to become a work of fiction in return. Its classification was welcomed as filling a void in evolutionary theory between the turkey-like scariness of Velociraptor and the holy-fucking-shit-is-that-thing-real scariness of the aptly named Giganotosaurus.

According to their own endearing historical opinions, however, Mormons believe that Utahraptors were extant in the American West when they first settled the area in the 19^th Century. While this might strike some readers as laughable, one imagines that the threat becomes much more credible as one’s gullibility approaches the Mormon threshold.

It's science!

Rather than merely being amused bystanders like the rest of us as the Mormons went about setting up their fun new religion, Utahraptors were frequently openly antagonistic, to the point of nearly eating the whole lot. Apparently, early Mormons were so unwitting that they frequently did not realize they were being hunted and preyed upon. Scientists now believe that the Utahraptor was especially good at leading its quarry into a false sense of security, often toying with them and giving them false hopes of imminent salvation, before brutally finishing them off. On one occasion, a Utahraptor was even convicted of bank fraud – ok, maybe that's far enough with the allegory.

What killed off the Utahraptor remains unclear. In any case, Salt Lake City is dizzy with fear at the prospect of its return. A worried resident voiced her concerns to Frodology that “if just a single scientist prays for the raptor’s resurrection, we’re screwed.” Affirming that this is indeed how science works, she added “I got learned about it at school.”

It's history!