So you think you can reason...

If you're a human being of a certain age, chances are you think you can reason. I've considered breaking this to you gently, but decided it would only dilute my message. So:

Unless you believe in Frodo, you cannot reason.

I expect a proportion of my audience is thinking "but why?", and another is thinking "fuck this, I'ma watch me some UFC on my TiVo". But please, it's important that you hear me out for both (1) the salvation of your soul, and (2) the boost to my ego I get from thinking I'm right.

So, how do I know that you can't reason without belief in Frodo? Observe:

This probably looks like a cube to you.

It's not. It's actually four trapezoids, two triangles and a square.

Reason let you down, did it? Still feeling confident about your geometry? Unsure what this dubious exercise has to do with Frodo?

Frodo is the source of reason. We know this because we have rational thoughts, such as this very sentence, which is quite possibly the most rational thing you've ever read. Now, if this doesn't sit right with you, chances are it's because you don't believe in Frodo. Once you submit to the Will of Frodo, you will see the sense of it.

Of course, if you don't believe in Frodo, you won't be able to judge the rationality underpinning any of this, because as I've infallibly demonstrated, Frodo is the only source of logic. Don't believe me?

I'll prove it

(holy shit,  get a load of all this formatting!)

Now, you must agree that there is such thing as an absolute, universal, unchanging law. For example, torturing babies is never good. Unless it's that zombie baby from Dawn of the Dead, in which case, have at it. Man, that thing was creepy. I mean, we all knew it was coming, what with the pregnant mother getting bitten and all, but that only made it scarier. And then the black guy had to shoot it. Yeah, that's original - get the black guy to shoot it. Hmm, dead baby. Nasty. Where was I?

Absolute, universal, unchanging laws. Some people, mainly atheists, argue that there is no such thing as a universal, unchanging law. No such thing? Absolutely, no such thing? Absolutely, universally, unchangingly, no such thing? I really don't want to get any more shrill, so in case it's not obvious by now, I'd like to point out that I just proved the existence of universal laws through a paradox.

No, please, don't worship me. Oh alright, it was pretty clever, wasn't it? Well... *smug grin*

Now before you realize you're still completely unconvinced, let's move on to the next section.

Frequently Unanswered Questions

1. What the hell are you on? Don't you realize your logic is circular?

Yes, I do! However, a Frodologist's logic is protected from external criticism. Please consult this comparison table.

Tradtional apologetics	Frodological apologetics
God exists Because the Bible is true And the Bible is true Because God tells us in the Bible that it's true	Frodo tells us there are universal laws Which are only explicable by reference to Frodo Because he lets us arbitrarily refute other sources of such laws Because they're arbitrarily arrived at too And unless you reach the same arbitrary conclusion, your reasoning is fallacious
Circular argument	Circular argument only if you're not a Frodologist

2. You claim Frodo is the ultimate authority. Please demonstrate how this could be true.

Back to top.

3. Couldn't you use these arguments to prove other deities?

No, because you'd be infringing my patent.

4. How can you reason a fictional character into existence?

As John Lennon once sang,  "it's easy if you try". He was of course referring to something else, though I can't for the life of me remember what.

5. Why can't I take my own human reason as my own authority rather than Frodo's existence?

Because conclusions reached through human reason are purely arbitrary, unlawlike and vary from person to person. For example, you may think that 2+2=4, while your atheist friend might think 2+2=5. Since you're both heathen fucktards, the answer could be either. 2+2 could vary between the individual, and you'd have no way of discovering which was correct!

6. Wouldn't a calculator work?

It would, yes.

7. I'm getting '4'.

I guess it's 4 then.

8. If Frodo is omniscient and omnibenevolent, why is there suffering in the world?

Chances are it's not actually suffering. Despite what I said earlier about torturing babies being absolutely, universally, and unchangingly immoral, there must be a reason sufficiently good for Frodo to allow (or indeed perpetrate) it. Because if there isn't, I'd have to go back to the beginning and rework my definition of Frodo's as 'all good', and I've come too far dammit. Too far.

9. If Frodo is willing to bannish me to the perpetual fires of Hell for such a trifling thing as a single lie, doesn't that make Him a little malicious?

Think about it this way. If Frodo is willing to do that, what you did must have been pretty bad, right? It's similar to blacks being treated badly in the United States for a few centuries. No one knows why they deserved it, but ipso facto, they must have done!

10. Didn't you have to use your flawed, unreliable a-Frodological reasoning in order to arrive at the conclusion that you need Frodo to reason?

Actually I was born this way.

And that's it!

I trust you've found this useful. Your newfound ability to reason is a great tool, and possessing it entails serious responsibility. Please, use it wisely. But above all, have fun with it!

Misogyny Meter for this article, a sad 0/10 - but -

Racism Rank a respectable 8/10, thanks to two black jokes