Ten Ways to Stay Pure with Frodo

This inspiring piece of applied theology was written in a flurry of literary genius by the always thoughtful CodewordConduit. Her blog, Reflections of the Damned, is a lively place for engaging debate between thinkers of all stripes and, I've recently discovered, nothing to do with beavers.

By Frodo Sexologist Dr CWC FRhd  

We all know that Frodo Saves. But did you know that “Frodo Saves” actually means “Frodo thinks it’s great when someone Saves themselves for marriage”? (“A Ring Worth Waiting For - a Frodological exegesis of the Gnostic volumes” 1997 edition – Dr CWC et al.)

The Dark Lord Sauron actually grows a little bit taller whenever anybody has sex outside of marriage (sex outside of marriage = every orgasm achieved by a man, and every sinful, seductive behaviour of a woman that leads a man to behave impurely – women, of course are incapable of having orgasms). Just imagine, if he grew tall enough he could see you without his magical eye - and make scarves out of clouds. This is why he created the One Ring – as a way of scaring people out of marriage. After all, as Middle Earth tradition has it, all wedding rings must be found in river beds or dark caves but never made. His devious plan was to hide the One Ring in such a manner that nobody would be sure whether their wedding day would be completely destroyed by the arrival of Ringwraiths and ensuing bloodshed and slaughter.

We now know that Frodo actually destroyed the One Ring (via the impossibility of the contrary), but as the Dark Lord can never be fully destroyed we must be ever watchful. Reports have been coming in of an unidentified, invisible, magical Lord (who cannot be named for legal reasons) terrorizing a school full of pubescent wizards and witches, somewhere secret in England. If we believe these claims (which we should, because we have no evidence whatsoever that the events described never happened) then we must be ever vigilant in curtailing our premarital sexual desires. At the moment it is estimated that he is probably the size of the smallest seed in the world – I’m talking about the mustard seed of course.

As an expert sexologist I have compiled a list of activities that may help to diminish your libido in times of temptation. They are aimed specifically at men, because women cannot change their inherent sinfulness; which is why they should wear their potato sack with eye-slit at all times – and never do or say anything that hasn’t been commanded by their husband or a male relative. If a woman breaks this one and only rule then she must, by law, become an Entwife and spend the rest of her days having sex with talking tree creatures, until she is cast into the wilderness to be forgotten. So it is written. You may be wondering why I, as a woman, can dispense this advice. The answer is incredibly simple, I am a post-op transsexual.

Instead of thinking lustful thoughts, try out these activities:

1)      List every time that your parents broke a promise to you.

2)      Make a tiny boat for an imaginary mouse using household items.

3)      Alphabetize your shoes.

4)      Draw a picture of a house that you might like to live in someday.

5)      Ask a grandparent to tell you what they could buy for a dollar when they were young.

6)      Make a list of American words that have different British counterparts.

7)      Think about hurtful lies that you have told.

8)      Challenge a buddy to a game of “Guess Which Former Soviet State I’m Thinking About”

9)      Imagine that you are on Death Row and are about to have your last meal. What would you choose and why?

10)  Spend the afternoon wearing a blindfold and tasting various different colas.                   Make a little scoring chart and show it to your friends.

That’s all for now Frodo Fans. Stay pure and Frodo Be With You!