Tuesday, April 28, 2009

What will happen to the Rapture abortions?

Most Christians hold that fetuses, in all their gooey prenatal glory, are sacred sacs of soul-infused sanctity. Quite how they are able to distinguish a fetus from the type of organic glob that most Americans would cheerfully spray with a blast of Raid is unclear. Perhaps they have some sort of affirmative action scheme in place, though no fetus has to my knowledge been accepted to any university yet, no matter how awful. Well, maybe Brown. But definitely nowhere else.

Yet how this inviolability can be squared against the highly anticipated mass carnage of the approaching Rapture is a troubling question for Christian theologians. Babies must first be born in order for their souls to be scooped up into the abrasive burlap sack that is Christian theology. 

So what happens to the ones still floundering in the womb when the Rapture starts?

The question is a pressing one, as we are clearly living in the End Times, and have been doing for a good two thousand years or so. An obvious solution is to allow Jesus to start the show when no saved souls are pregnant. Unfortunately this is difficult to coordinate, and is most easily accomplished if everyone simply stops having sex. Thankfully, obesity and botched plastic surgery are working hard on both ends of the female spectrum to make women much less attractive, and intercourse far less appealing.

Still, universal celibacy is not something we can rely on.  Another option is to exclude pregnant women from the Rapture entirely. After all, it’d be good if they learned to abstain from something, eh? Am I right? Yeah, nice. This could make getting pregnant somewhat like Russian roulette, which it already is for people with ugly spouses, like the Mormons, and those with just one ugly spouse, like the rest of us.

A third solution would be to rapture the unborn baby part and parcel with the mother, and simply wait out the rest of the pregnancy in Heaven. Unfortunately, the mother’s options will be limited should any complications occur, as, in accordance with policy, Heaven’s surgeons have rendered unto Caesar that which are Caesarians. Nor is it guaranteed that the child, once born in Heaven, will even accept Christianity, arguments for the existence of God being what they are.

A, uh, final solution, is simply to rapture the fetus in utero, as an independent entity to the mother. Though still too young to repent of their original crimesin on Earth, the airtight nature of Christian theology all but guarantees that they will be afforded the opportunity in Heaven. As the only alternative would be to send them to purgatory, where the age difference between the unborn fetuses and unbaptized babies could lead to bullying, apologists believe this is the best answer.

While ordinarily this could make for an awkward situation if the unrepentant mother isn't raptured along with the fetus, experts believe that anyone with in an interest in enforcing state abortion laws will vanish during the Rapture, all of which forces the question: will Christians be going to Heaven, or leaving it behind?


Dani' El said...

Nice pet Billy dinosaur.

The question is a pressing one, as we are clearly living in the End Times, and have been doing for a good two thousand years or so. And nice grammar.

And nice theology with raptured fetuses, much less children.
There is zip, nada to support that doctrine in scripture, and yet every evangelical kook under the sun who will be shocked to be "left behind" with their equally ridiculous "left behind" video games seems to believe it.

If the flood, and Sodom and Gomorrah are an example, and they are, then the idea of the children being spared is a bad one.
Like so many other bad ideas of the end times apostate church.

And Frodo, are there any parallels to the rapture in Frodology?
How does this article glorify Frodo?

Mirth dribbler.

Dani' El said...

R Raptors raptured?

BeamStalk said...

Regaling raptor raptured required regarding reaction recited by Raptor Jesus.

PersonalFailure said...

LaHaye and Jenkins believe that fetuses will be raptured without their mothers. How this will effectively differ from an abortion is not something they ever address.

BeamStalk said...

LaHaye and Jenkins are retarded fucking douche bags too.

Stan, the Half-Truth Teller said...

A, uh, final solution, is simply to rapture the fetus in utero, as an independent entity to the mother. 

I like where this is going...

As the only alternative would be to send them to purgatory, where the age difference between the unborn fetuses and unbaptized babies could lead to bullying... 

Purgatory? Since they are in utero, why not send them to Nirvana?

...apologists believe this is the best answer. 

"Apologists"? Surely you mean to say, "All Apologies," right?

Of course, this article doesn't address the issue I'm about to broach, but what of pre-rapture aborted fetuses? What of mid-rapture mid-abortion fetuses?

These are difficult subjects, even for the most gifted apologists, but with respect to the aborted fetuses, I call for the immediate ascendancy to sainthood of all abortion doctors -- they put more souls in heaven than any priest/pastor/minister/reverend/deacon/pope/bishop/cult leader...

One last thing -- if the fetuses are raptured with the mothers, part and parcel, and the pregnancy is completed in heaven, doesn't that mean there must be pain and suffering in heaven, as all women must suffer pain as a just consequence of allowing themselves to become impregnated in the first place?


Quasar said...

Warning: the following comment may contain unsolicited gory mental images.

What happens when a 9 month feotus is raptured from an unrepentant mother, leaving a large area of vaccuum in her stomach?

FrodoSaves said...


I imagine it would be something like letting the air out of a beach ball. Or maybe God will rapture the fetus and replace it with something of equal size (a largish papaya?) so that the mother never knows what happened... until she gives birth, and the midwife in attendance will likely lose her job.



I'm sure Jesus thanks you for your questions, and would probably like to assure you first and foremost that there are absolutely no logical contradictions in any of the answers. You can take succor from this, despite the awkward fact that scholars haven't yet come up with the answers... it's a tricky business, what can I say?

Also, can I take a minute to appreciate your deitalicization of 'in utero' in your quote? That's mighty fine attention to detail. Exactly the type of attention that you'd think would have noticed my latest comment on your blog's rapture mystery post. Come on! Was I right?


Mirth Drubber,

So you're saying... if the fetus isn't out in time, they're SOL? Now that would be some great theological consistency.

PS - Not Billy this time. It was a Utahraptor, a common sight around Salt Lake City in the 19th Century.

yunshui said...

Speaking as someone who has, throughout his wife's pregnancy, been amazed by the number of fruit-based comparisons used in describing a fetus, I can assure you that a papaya would only be sufficient from about 18-20 weeks. Prior to that, (in order from conception) one would need rice grains, kidney beans, grapes/olives, greengages (big leap, there), plums, peaches, apples, oranges, and a grapefruit. It's a veritable fruit salad in there!

Post 20 weeks, we'd be looking at a pineapple, and frankly, having a pineapple suddenly inserted into one's abdominal cavity is not a fate I would wish for.

FrodoSaves said...


Thanks for the biological pointers. The only thing worse than a pineapple would be the durian she'd receive in place of twins.

Dani' El said...

Mahmoud, age 6 months.

FrodoSaves said...

I think I see what the problem is... that hat is hideous!

Dani' El said...

Only God could weave Lil Mahmoud's arms in the womb.

Stan, the Half-Truth Teller said...

Mahmoud, eh? Sounds Muslim, but he looks extremely Mennonite to me...


FrodoSaves said...

Ray Comfort definitely had a hand in his creation...

Dani' El said...

He's a Morlim hybrid.

Polygamists of a feather.

Stan, the Half-Truth Teller said...

Polygamists of a feather. 

Since when was polygamy wrong, or, why did it suddenly become wrong? I seem to recall quite a bit of philandering quite openly endorsed throughout the OT...

...or do you have some magical explanation which begs the question, but nonetheless eases the cognitive dissonance that keeps you awake most nights (those during which Satan takes his leave of you, presumably to practice his wrestling techniques -- I hear he's quite the Greco-Roman wrestler, and gifted with the upside-down belt hold)...?

(I know, it's a rhetorical question...)


Dani' El said...

Lol, funny Stan.

Yeah, Satan gave me quite a match.
I had a bit of an advantage weight wise, but he was spry, and experienced.

Like divorce, polygamy was used to first populate, then it was tolerated until the perfect way of Christ- (ignore the bad grammar, you know what I mean, you punk!)

Mat 19:8 He said to them, "Moses, because of the hardness of your hearts, permitted you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it was not so.

I hope all this talk about fruit is busting your chops. And I say that in all love. ;)

Stan, the Half-Truth Teller said...

Like divorce, polygamy was used to first populate, then it was tolerated until the perfect way of Christ 

That's great, but we're not talking about divorce, and more importantly, you haven't answered why polygamy suddenly became wrong (which claim you have not yet corroborated). You say it was "tolerated," but I expect this to be because, if we accept a literal Eden story, and a literal flood, it was necessary  -- but at what point did it become "wrong," if that is indeed your current claim? At what point did it swing (pun intended) from good/tolerable to bad/intolerable? Why? It smacks of arbitrariness, and the "explanation" is always the same -- the magic of Jesus changed the rules we don't really like, and we've chosen the ones we want to keep and the ones we want to ignore.

You know, like slavery, polygamy, spandex/polyester blends, etc.


Rachel E. Bailey said...

Babies must first be born in order for their souls to be scooped up into the abrasive burlap sack that is Christian theology. That was awesome :)

And everybody knows all unborn fetuses in women who get Raptured go to Hell. It's not like their fetal souls have been saved. They're totally stained with original sin. And womb-goo, which is fucking gross. They haven't repented, and they're atheists.

It's Hell. Hands down. Issue solved--I'll be in my trailer.

Anonymous said...

FS Ray Comfort definitely had a hand in his creation...

A hand with an extra thumb, I'll warrant.

That's assuming he let his wife help... I'm just saying.

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