Saturday, April 25, 2009

Bible tag!

As the weather improves and the little ones return to the great outdoors (sometimes for good, if natural selection has its way), parents naturally want to provide activities for their children that are both wholesome and fun. Playing ‘Guantanamo’ was all well and good until Mrs. Schroeder’s cat stopped resisting the water boarding, and you can’t really argue with the police’s opinion that ‘hunting pirates’ isn’t good for race relations.

So why not give them a game to play straight from the Bible?

You’ll need a menstruating woman to get started. This one’s probably on you, moms! She’s ‘it’ for seven days, and anyone or anything she touches becomes ‘it’ too. The ‘it’ team must then try to make as many people and as many things unclean as possible, while the opposing team must try to bathe everything in water before evening. While it sounds like the odds are stacked in favor of the menstruator and her unholy hordes, don’t worry – they’ll be handicapped by cramps and hobbled by the pain of childbirth. Thank Jehovah!

The origin of cooties shots

Bible tag truly is infectious, but you should be careful that your neighbors don’t think you’re Jewish. While they’ll undoubtedly be impressed by the hundreds of gallons of water you’re spilling on your lawn to purify yourselves, you’re not yacht club members yet! In fact, it may be wise to invite them over for a BBQ (in the evening, once you’re clean), just to be safe.

After playing Bible tag for a little while, you’ll probably start wondering “how did they manage to keep everything clean in the desert with such little water?” Well, they didn’t.

Scholars believe Bible tag (!) can explain the disappearance of several early Israelite settlements. After a few hours of vigorous play, participants would begin to run out of things to purify themselves with. When it got to the point that the water jugs themselves needed to be bathed to remain pure, scores of players would have already succumbed to dehydration and exhaustion. The self-inflicted tragedy further embittered thousands of displaced Canaanites, and one teary-eyed spectator has gone down in history with his legendary lamentation, “come on, we’re smarter than that!”

Its prodigious water demands of course mean that, just like all good games, Bible tag can only be enjoyed properly in the developed world.

Coming soon, we’ll have more Games by Leviticus, including one similar to the traditional English game of bowls. But instead of using polished balls, the Israelites used rough, dense pieces of stone, and rather than being rolled down a green, they were lobbed at people’s heads! We’ll also have ‘Guess My Abomination!’ Do I sleep with other men, wear garments woven from two different kinds of thread, or eat crustaceans?

Find out soon, and thanks for playing!


PersonalFailure said...

did you ever read the book by the guy that tried to live by all the rules in leviticus for a year? his wife got so annoyed with him that during her period she would sit on every available chair so that he would have to stand all day.

power to the vagina!

FrodoSaves said...

Hahah, that's great!

Praise be!

Dani' El said...

I'm telling Sye!

Kerri Love said...

(FYI Imtherabbit with a name change)

HA! That was highly amusing FS! I could play it right now! Tag FS, you're unclean ;P *runs after Dani*(TMI I know and I love it)

The Great Bunny has no use for this game; he says if a woman is menstruating that means she is not in the way of the Bunny. Being that I am a profit of the bunny, I am exempt from ever being in the way of the Bunny, Thank the Bunny cause I don't want any 'little rabbits' running around.

Chad Jeffreys said...

Dude, speaking for the other dudes here in Huntington Beach, you better shut yer trap about waterboarding since waterboarding rulz!

It's the ultimate ride!
And Kahuna Cheney is Lord of the outside break in my book.
So shaddap!


piggymceatsalot said...

So really....the resistance movement during the Holocaust was really just a giant game of sardines.

As for the Gaza Strip? Why, they're only playing Red Rover!

FrodoSaves said...

As for the Gaza Strip? Why, they're only playing Red Rover!Now that is funny!


Mr Jeffreys

I wasn't bashing water boarding, I was just suggesting that extra caution needs to be taken when playing with cats. They have notoriously small lungs, and premature death may come as a surprise for those used to working with humans.


Right, let's lower some water tables and get purifying!

Dani' El said...

Chad Jeffreys was the captain of the Santa Barbara surf team when I was there!
Is this the same Chad?

(Lol! ok I confess. Chad is my alter ego. Dani' El)

Dani' El said...

Yeah, and Ham-ass are shooting bottle rockets to celebrate Yom HaShoah.
A "collective blessing" on their Israeli cousins.

Kerri Love said...

LOL Dani, that's acutally pretty funny.

Rachel E. Bailey said...

Dude, "cooties shots"! I haven't thought about those since I was thirteen--I must be crawling with cooties, by now!
::is itchy::

You have to elaborate on Guess My Abomination"!

Personal Failure: So why didn't the dude just stone, her, and take a new wife?

Tried to live by the rules, but obviously failed. What a loser.

Lol, if you've got the title or author, I'd love to give it a read.

FrodoSaves said...

Sorry for the slow replies. I've had my arms full with liver and offal dissecting cattle so that Leviticus wouldn't be mad at me. By the time I finished it was nearly evening so I had to cleanse myself lest I be stricken from my community.

You have an alter ego Dani? Why doesn't that surprise me... :P

VitR - sorry, it was eating shellfish! Nothing too exciting, though I bet Dani was having palpitations in anticipation, eh?

Dani' El said...

Frodo, Chad Jeffries was converted at the HB Pier by one Roy Cozy last year.

He now leads bible studies at sea, with laminated bibles, where they pray for surf continually, night and day.

Psa 107:25 For He commands and raises the stormy wind, Which lifts up the waves of the sea.

Did you know that both I and Ray Comfort are surfing Jews?
Yes, Jews surf, including world champion Shaun Thompson.

Anticipation of what?

BTW, "Chad Jeffries" was a commonly used derogatory title in my surf crew for any typical rich kid surfer.

Dani' El said...

added, but you sound dissapointed Frodo. Hoping for the .1% reader increase? ;)

FrodoSaves said...

He now leads bible studies at sea, with laminated bibles, where they pray for surf continually, night and day
It must be a big surprise when they get it, you know, being the sea and all.

Anticipation of what?
The answer to Guess My Abomination.

Hoping for the .1% reader increase? ;)
No, just looking forward to having a fun conversation about waterboarding, cuz waterboarding rulz!!

Rachel E. Bailey said...

I would've guessed your abomination was "inappropriate mustache fondling".

Dani' El said...

One day Chad coveted a bitchen waterboard with an airbrushed scene from Apocalypse Now on the deck, and Jesus punished him with a flat spell over the summer.

Mat 8:26 But He said to them, "Why are you fearful, O you of little faith?" Then He arose and rebuked the winds and the sea, and there was a great calm.

But seriously. Did you know that Ray Comfort used to own a surf shop in NZ before he took up his cross?
Ray's kind of a typical surf health freak too, eating shredded wheat 3 times a day, 365 days a year.
The man must have the cleanest colon in America. Bless his heart.

Rides his bike to work, doesn't own a car. Sorry, but I like the guy. :)

Dani' El said...

VitR- I would've guessed your abomination was "inappropriate mustache fondling".Maybe this applies-
Lev 19:27 You shall not shave around the sides of your head, nor shall you disfigure the edges of your beard.

Repent Frodo!
Let your 'stache grow!

What would Frodo do?
I don't remember seeing any facial hair on a Hobbit. Hmm.