Bible tag!

As the weather improves and the little ones return to the great outdoors (sometimes for good, if natural selection has its way), parents naturally want to provide activities for their children that are both wholesome and fun. Playing ‘Guantanamo’ was all well and good until Mrs. Schroeder’s cat stopped resisting the water boarding, and you can’t really argue with the police’s opinion that ‘hunting pirates’ isn’t good for race relations.

So why not give them a game to play straight from the Bible?

You’ll need a menstruating woman to get started. This one’s probably on you, moms! She’s ‘it’ for seven days, and anyone or anything she touches becomes ‘it’ too. The ‘it’ team must then try to make as many people and as many things unclean as possible, while the opposing team must try to bathe everything in water before evening. While it sounds like the odds are stacked in favor of the menstruator and her unholy hordes, don’t worry – they’ll be handicapped by cramps and hobbled by the pain of childbirth. Thank Jehovah!

The origin of cooties shots

Bible tag truly is infectious, but you should be careful that your neighbors don’t think you’re Jewish. While they’ll undoubtedly be impressed by the hundreds of gallons of water you’re spilling on your lawn to purify yourselves, you’re not yacht club members yet! In fact, it may be wise to invite them over for a BBQ (in the evening, once you’re clean), just to be safe.

After playing Bible tag for a little while, you’ll probably start wondering “how did they manage to keep everything clean in the desert with such little water?” Well, they didn’t.

Scholars believe Bible tag (!) can explain the disappearance of several early Israelite settlements. After a few hours of vigorous play, participants would begin to run out of things to purify themselves with. When it got to the point that the water jugs themselves needed to be bathed to remain pure, scores of players would have already succumbed to dehydration and exhaustion. The self-inflicted tragedy further embittered thousands of displaced Canaanites, and one teary-eyed spectator has gone down in history with his legendary lamentation, “come on, we’re smarter than that!”

Its prodigious water demands of course mean that, just like all good games, Bible tag can only be enjoyed properly in the developed world.

Coming soon, we’ll have more Games by Leviticus, including one similar to the traditional English game of bowls. But instead of using polished balls, the Israelites used rough, dense pieces of stone, and rather than being rolled down a green, they were lobbed at people’s heads! We’ll also have ‘Guess My Abomination!’ Do I sleep with other men, wear garments woven from two different kinds of thread, or eat crustaceans?

Find out soon, and thanks for playing!

In defense of the Mormons (it’s not what you think)

Minor religions don’t have an easy time of it, especially the ones whose tenets really get the imagination going. I should know. I run one. Mormons in particular are often unfairly singled out, frequently by this website, as deserving of extra ridicule. But just how crazy are they? Words like “batshit insane” and “theological asshattery” are thrown around a lot these days, to the extent that no one stops to ask what’s so truly nuts about bat droppings. We religious minorities need to stick together, and it’s my purpose here to defend the Mormons and show that they haven’t completely lost it.

 

Land of the free

Mormons view the Bible as divinely inspired but maintain that they’re privy to some juicy extras ignored by Catholics and Protestants. As such, it’s sort of like Christianity Plus. That sounds like fun, right?

All of this was recorded on some nifty brass plates originally in the possession of Laban, a Biblical character the anagram of whose name is unfortunately ‘Banal’, and perhaps worse, ‘Anal B’, though historians still dispute the meaning of the ‘B’. These plates were stolen by Nephi along with Laban's steel sword, the possession of which was a considerable metallurgical accomplishment for the Bronze Age.

The plates describe the flight of a group of people, one Lehi and his family (including son Nephi) from Jerusalem to the New World around 600 BC, which is about 2,100 years before transatlantic travel even became possible. That’s no mean feat, and I’m starting to see why Jesus liked these guys! Historians are unclear as to why Lehi et al abandoned the Jews, but as a sort of ancient bad shit magnet, the decision is understandable, especially when viewed in the context of the customary 19^th Century anti-Semitic milieu in which this whole thing was concocted.

 

Home of the braves?

The descendants of Lehi, who later split into the Lamanites and Nephites (over artistic differences as to where art stopped and porn began) flourished in Mesoamerica, augmenting a pre-existing Semitic group who'd been there for several thousand years already. One can only admire their accomplishments, because according to Mel Gibson, there were a lot of hearts being cut out in the vicinity, so good for them.

Unfortunately, they’re chiefly considered by Mormons as an unsuccessful civilization for failing to leave behind archeological evidence to attest to their existence. Some detractors note alleged anachronisms in the Book of Mormon, such as the mention of chariots. They argue that Mesoamerican roads were extremely narrow and difficult to traverse, with rope bridges only two to three feet wide, all of which makes chariot usage quite difficult. Um, hello? Ever heard of a bicycle?

Mormons maintain that Nephite culture eventually gave away to the Olmecs and the Mayans, who specialized in mathematics and science, a tradition presumably embraced by modern Mormons, because they’re not too good at history. Their enemies the Lamanites, on the other hand, turned into the type of saggy-breasted dart-blowing specimens you see in off peak hours on National Geographic. You know, between the good stuff. With guns and shit.

Linguistic critics of the Book of Mormon argue that no Native American language is even remotely related to Hebrew, which the Levites allegedly spoke. But Mormon apologists rightly point out that the Levites weren’t the sole ancestors of Mesoamericans, leaving plenty of room for the Atlanteans, Cthulhu, and talking rabbits to further influence indigenous languages.

Chosen folk

According to Mormons, Jesus visited America shortly after his death and ascension into Heaven. While mainstream Christians might laugh, they should remember that Mormons still nodding along to this narrative are likely capable of believing absolutely anything. While there, Jesus finally settled the ancient art-porn debate with his inspired ruling that pornography begins at five articles of clothing or fewer, a definition Mormons keep to this day.

Many Christians ask, “but why would God have come to Joseph Smith, revealing this secret history and giving him the divine gift of translation?” Others wonder “is this article really defending Mormons?” And still others yearn to know, “are you even going to answer any of these questions?”

 

The burden of belief

The life of a modern Mormon is not an easy one, what with the public ridicule, perpetual threat of attack from Skeletor, and having to spend huge amounts of time with other Mormons, often family members. More conservative Mormons must also wear the near-legendary Mormon underwear, a garment rivaled only by the snood as able to inflict humiliation on the wearer.

Ew

How do they cope?

The decision to wear Mormon underwear is the end result of a lengthy cost-benefit evaluation. "Do I look hilarious?" Yes. "Is it a good kind of hilarious?" No. "Does everyone else look hilarious?" Yes. "Will demons consume my genitals otherwise?" Yes. And maybe even inspite of.

In terms of their beliefs in general, most Mormons probably try not to think about the historical inconsistencies, parceling them off in an area of their brain and repressing them so that they never need be confronted. Sort of like the way Kevin Spacey’s character suppressed his homosexuality in American Beauty so that he could live according to society’s expectations of normality. 

The analogy is actually quite telling. Mormonism and American Beauty are both absolutely terrible.

Quick Mormon FAQ

"With polygamy and all those kids, Mormons must get to have a lot of sex, right?"

By Protestant standards, yes. The average Mormon parents have four children over the course of twenty years, which means they have sexual intercourse an average of 0.2 times per annum, and 0.1 times per vaginum.

"What goes on inside the Temple?"

Some believe the Mormons have Elvis, still alive, kept in chains in the innermost sanctum, so that they may use his fat guy sweat to teach cabbages to dance the tango. Most however reject this theory in the face of overwhelming evidence that tango dancing is an innate trait of cabbages which does not need to be taught.

"Is there such thing as a gay Mormon?"

Not once the desert is finished with them!

"What should I say to Mormons who knock on my door?"

It shouldn't concern you, provided you've kept the door padlocked and soundproofed from your neighbors. Knocking is also a sign that they've exhausted themselves from screaming, meaning that they will probably try to reason with you for their release. Ignore it. Experience shows that captured Mormons imprisoned in basements eventually succumb to their incarceration after three weeks, and become willing participants in fertility experiments until rickets inevitably overwhelms their fragile immune systems.

"Where can I get a copy of the Book of Mormon?"

Once they eventually expire, don't feel bad about simply looting them. In fact, don't feel bad at all. In the service of the Lord and all that, eh? If the copy you retrieve has already started to rot, just ask me, I have plenty of spares.

The Curious Case of Kenneth Ham

The Creation Museum in Kentucky announced with alarm this morning the disappearance of its president, Kenneth Ham. It is unknown where Mr. Ham has gone, or indeed when he was last seen, as colleagues report that an imposter had been coming into work for at least several weeks. Museum employees admit that the subterfuge should not have been so surprising, as Mr. Ham was only growing more apelike in both appearance and rhetoric as the months passed, and the imposter was later revealed to be a middle aged chimpanzee. 

Mr. Ham is one of few humans on the planet not to have evolved from apes, being instead a descendant of the only species created entirely through poetic license and metaphor. The case of Mr. Ham is accordingly a stunning example of convergent evolution, demonstrating successive transformations from H. sapiens to H. ignoramus and finally to costumed Planet of the Apes cast member.

Finding Mr. Ham has been complicated by his goofy 19^th Century beard and the amateur Photoshop skills used on his missing person poster

Coworkers became suspicious of the chimpanzee during its email correspondence with biologist PZ Myers and participation in a debate hosted by the BBC. The highly proficient primate set alarm bells ringing when both friends and museum staff began to notice an apparent improvement in Mr. Ham’s coherence. 

Wife Marilyn was stricken with grief at the news of Mr. Ham’s evolution, lamenting “I had no idea he was so sick.”

Initially friends suspected that Mr. Ham had been eaten by one of the museum’s animatronic dinosaurs, which they warn are “very much true to life.” Fears were allayed however when cooler heads noted that the museum is only home to a Tyrannosaurus and other herbivores.

Mr. Ham has long been a divisive figure in Christianity. His founding several years ago of the Answers in Genesis ministry caused controversy when his literalist followers took the name to mean that the rest of the Bible was superfluous. The brief flirtation represented the greatest degree of accord ever achieved with local atheists, before the misconception was lovingly (but violently) corrected.

Many young Earth creationists are unlikely to thank him for evolving into another species, or indeed failing include a hyphen between ‘young’ and ‘Earth’, a careless mistake which could easily lead to witless detractors desperate for jokes capitalizing on the ambiguity by poking fun at the creationist’s own lack of youth.

As investigators still struggle to solve this puzzle, local residents can only wonder whether, like everything else, the answer will turn up in Genesis.

Everything else

Roy Cozy reviews Lem Fender’s “The Passion of the Frodo II”

A generic but widely respected, famous scientist, let’s go with Bernoulli, once probably said “atheism is a vile, disgusting abomination against common sense and its filthy practitioners ought never to benefit from my Principle which will one day allow them to fly.” Now that I got that out of my system, let’s get down to business.

Lem Fender’s The Passion of the Frodo II: Back for Mordor is getting a lot of attention from atheists who can’t stand to see Truth at their cinemas, when they’d rather be going to see people fornicating, animals evolving, and other unlikely stories made possible through special effects. But Lem Fender should actually thank those selfish apostates (whom I love), because their antics have knocked the previous number one film out of first place, a film which had been at the top of the list for the better part of two years. Think how outdated its contents must have been!

But those ungrateful atheists (whom I love dearly) could learn a thing or two from The Passion, if only they took time out of their selfishness to be more un…selfish…y. It has a pure, simple message, one of hope and faith, one that atheists could see if only they weren’t blinded by their hatred and hurtful indifference. What is that message?

This film had a maker. It didn’t just spring up out of the ground like a coke can. It was lovingly crafted by someone (who loves you), laboriously labored over with love, until it reached the cutting room and two-thirds of it were casually (but lovingly) tossed aside. Films, like alligeese and contrived examples in general, have creators too.

The most noticeable aspect of Fender’s film is the tender message of love, hope, and faith, and the inspiring vehicle of uninhibited violence he uses to deliver it. Like a French farmer hell bent on making foie gras out of his gagging victims, Fender forces this gentle story of compassion down his audience’s collective throat, their fate as sealed as the cinema’s doors. You might call this his coup de ‘gras’.

Fender simply doesn’t want his audience to forget the depth of Frodo’s love for mankind.

Moving along, - oh, no, we’re not finished with the violence yet. Squeamish audience members should understand that the violence isn’t gratuitous, it has a purpose. The greater the cruelty inflicted on Frodo in the film, the more Fender makes atheists look like heathen ingrates. It’s necessary because Fender, like me, loves atheists so much.

Some critics have questioned the historicity of Frodo’s beating. ‘Historicity’ is a funny word. Let’s move on.

Fender’s motivation for the degree of onscreen brutality is the need to properly convey the depth of Frodo’s sacrifice. “I wanted to make this movie realistic. You can’t have a realistic movie about the supernatural without B-movie levels of gore. If you have miracles on screen, you need to scale up the bloodshed too, or it’s just not realistic. You know, it’s necessary. For the realism.”

Oddly, the other notable aspect of The Passion of the Frodo II that I’ll cover in my review is the satirically convenient allegations of anti-Gondorianism. Superficially there is a degree of what crass people like to call ‘racism’, which they attribute to Fender’s dislike of his high school Gondorian classics teacher, Alfjew J. Jewenstein. But moviegoers wondering why Gondorians are portrayed as a howling, hideous mob should remember that there were no orcs around at that time to be the object of Fender’s evident disgust. It would have been nice, yes, but we can’t just make up history. Is this film anti-Gondorian? No more than Frodology is itself.

In sum, this movie will make you feel like you've been born again. And not the spiritually enlightened, fuzzy evangelical sort of born again. The filthy, visceral, placenta stuck to the bottom of your shoe kind of born again. It's nasty, but it feels so right. Only Frodo could make me feel that way.

This movie is rated R, for religious, and is required watching for all children.

Banana.

Children are our greatest resource. Let’s harvest them now!

Rarely does a day go by without someone reminding us how important children are. Save the children. Clothe the children. Feed the children. Teach the children. Cook the children. Excuse me, cook for the children. And these are just the charities. Next they’ll want us to stop beating them too (‘physical riposte’, in the jargon). But who else are we supposed to take our anger out on? Hitting anyone else would be a crime! 

But do we really need reminding? Parents don’t bring children into the world lightly. A father knows the risk that his target-wife will become a swollen mockery of her former sexy self, and it is a burden he must shoulder every time he thinks about sex, which is to say, every time he thinks about anything but food, and sometimes even then too. And who could forget that a burst condom is the most heinous crimesin in the eyes of Frodo? A quick tally gives you

1. Original crimesin of the conceived child
2. Attempted abortion (through the, uh, abortive use of contraceptives)
3. Aiding and abetting the child’s original crimesin (you’d better hope there aren’t twins!)
4. Deriving pleasure from sex itself

That children are a drain on society goes without saying, leeching us of our resources one guiltily-given penny at a time. In the midst of all this wasted money, it can be hard to see how we can turn these grimy freeloaders into an investment.  “Show me how to harvest them!” I hear you saying.

While some of the following ideas might strike you as odd, they are part of a new wave of alternative childrearing theories, or as I like to call it, Intelligent Parenting. If it’s good enough for Texas, it’s good enough for whichever shitty little town you come from!

1. Child labor

I know what you’re thinking. Such an ugly word. But you’d be wrong. It’s actually two words. And in the UK, it’s spelled child labour, which looks much friendlier.

Squeamish government agencies have this quaint notion that children need protecting and should be prevented from working. But what kind of capitalist system do we have if we can’t open it up to all comers? Shouldn’t the avid consumers of the toy industry be allowed to participate in their making? Anything else is just perverse.

Savvy parents can utilize the full range of capitalist institutions to reap the benefit of their children’s new employment. Play time can be called ‘going on strike’, and the family Rottweiler could be renamed ‘Strike Breaker'. Instead of whipping your boy with your belt, you’re now using the ‘invisible hand’. Pinstripe trousers and funny moustaches are optional. I imagine it looking something like this.

Click to enlarge... if you like your child abuse nice and big, you sick fuck

“What about an economy of scale?” you say? I’m glad you asked.

 

2. Twins

Frodologist parents will find that their children work much more productively if they have sufficient to institute a production line and/or shifts. Twins, triplets, and further manifestations of fetal bad luck are gifts from Frodo, and a sign that you should use them as enthusiastically as their frail, premature skeletal structures will allow.

Barren like the Plains of Dagorlad? Unable to conceive? Well don’t let a lack of imagination get you down! Ah, but seriously, baby theft, or as we like to call it – ‘adoption’ – is always an option. The Christian organization Accidental Parenthood literally has thousands of unwanted kids, including specimens in the much sought-after Potential Children™ range.

If this sounds like something you might be interested in, inquire about Frodology’s Sackfull Movement. Sackfulls are inspired by Scripture, which warns encourages followers that...

You also get a free t-shirt.

 

3. Smart charities

Finally, we encourage you to donate only to charities which use their resources responsibly. Based on that canny atheist notion of nihilist morality, these ‘smart charities’ use regional concepts of ethics to allocate their limited means to greatest effect. For example, our analysts realized that charities which aim respectively to alleviate poverty and reduce starvation are actually competing, but share a common goal. Thanks to our efforts, many Ethiopians now achieve both by eating their superfluous children.

Hello? Who’s this? The Nobel Foundation? Our Peace Prize is on the way? Genius!

 

With all of this excellent parenting going on, don’t forget to keep the end goal in mind. By populating Frodo’s green Earth with little Frodologists, or Frodologist children of Frodologists as I understand the new atheist vernacular to have it, the Faith will reach exponential growth. Once we reach a critical mass, we can finally have our day of rest, safe in the knowledge that we’re too big to ignore.

Sit back, and like adolescent hormonal clockwork, your little chav children will run around creating even more little chav children.

Ah, yes.

We’re the state’s problem now.

Resurrection - harder than it looks?

Part III of the ‘I Believe in Miracles’ series of articles for Frodology

Religions are usually chock full of miracles, and it's a good thing too, because otherwise they'd be as boring as going to church, and no one likes going to church. Not even Jesus. But full of entertaining, jaw-dropping, and stupefyingly improbable events as they are, religions keep you, me and Jesus sufficiently amused for an hour each week, bridging the gap between Sunday morning TV and brunch.

But in depending on their audiences' stunned credulity, religions are also extremely vulnerable. Because what if they're false?

If I understand my theology, and I think I do, Jesus was stapled to a more or less crossish plank of wood and left to die, which he eventually did after several Ridley Scott-inspired drawn out and highly dramatic sequences. Then, with a stunning Ronald Reagan-like refusal to die, he rose from the dead, and in doing so spawned a whole subgenre of amateurish horror films.

Now, the problem posed is that science currently doesn’t recognize resurrection as an activity of which humans are generally capable, opposable thumbs notwithstanding. Certainly, if we peruse history, we encounter several near misses:

• In 1099, legend has it that El Cid fought off Death’s scythe and led his troops to victory over the Muslim hordes at the gates of Valencia. What the Muslims didn’t know was that El Cid had died and was simply strapped to his horse. He would later not come back to life.


• Lord of Gondor and companion of Frodo, Boromir son of Denethor fought and killed several Uruk-hai while nursing a chest full of arrows. He died shortly thereafter, and other than a deleted scene in the subsequent film, would not come back to life either.


• Jesus… oh, wait, never mind.


• Anastasia Romanov was the daughter of the last Czar of Russia, and though believed for decades to have been murdered by Bolsheviks in 1917, was suspected by some still to be alive. A 1997 Disney film based on the myth captured the hearts of millions of children, until her decomposed body was discovered an almost comically short time later to prove that, no, in fact, she had died as advertized.

So, if Jesus was actually resurrected, history isn’t going to help us and we need to examine the hard science behind his particular case.

Possibility #1 – Jesus was a zombie

It has been demonstrated by countless films and highly unverifiable folklore that humans are capable of resurrection, the unfortunate caveat being that they become zombies. The traditional view of the zombie, or ‘undead’, is that of a mindless automaton that eats ‘brains’. This is of course a sexed up Hollywood stereotype. Prudent zombies are thought to be every bit as clued up on the dangers of hematophagy as a disease vector as we are, and are more discriminate in their consumption of blood products these days for the risk of HIV.

The one bit of evidence in support of this theory is that zombies are unhindered by serious blood loss. It is thought that Jesus’ own blood loss would have been prodigious due to his hemophilia which he would have inevitably inherited due to the eons of inbreeding kicked off by Adam and Eve.

Possibility #2 - Jesus was an immortal wizard

Alternatively, it is possible that, like Gandalf, Jesus was a wizard who couldn’t die, even after falling from a very great height and then climbing back up that very great height, all the while hacking and slashing at a demon wrought from smoke and fire.

Yeah, that'd be cool.

Possibility #3 - Jesus never lived

We must also recognize the chance that Jesus never lived in the first place. The so-called 'Jesus Myth' hypothesis, popularized by certain scholars of the ancient Middle East, states that the historical person of Jesus Christ was most likely an inanimate sack of flour, or perhaps a scarecrow. Accordingly, the physical attribute of never being alive would have made death less of a problem for Jesus, and crucifixion a mild inconvenience at most. 

It's all coming together...

The only complication still being researched by scientists is a linguistic one. The problem is it is not known whether 'to resurrect' is a reflexive verb. Those who argue a subject can resurrect itself have some explaining to do, as it is generally thought that dead people are incapable of acting out verbs.

---

Please feel free to read the other articles in the ‘Miracles’ series:
Part I - Is Jesus out of blood by now?
Part II - How hard is it for virgins to give birth?

Frodology the victim of religious satire?

All aboard the gravy train!

You can generally tell when your religion has made it by the number of satirists you spawn. Christianity has always greeted satirists with open arms, taking them as evidence of its superior foothold in the hearts of the masses. Christians are frequently as quick to laugh at their own expense as those making fun of them. They rarely ever take offense, and secure in their faith and their get out jail free cards come the Apocalypse, why should they? Even with thinly veiled parodies such as the Flying Spaghetti Monster and Fred Phelps’ Westboro Baptist Church, Christians never give the satirists cause to host a running list of hate mail, updated daily.

Some Christians are self-professed satire experts, though their authority is somewhat compromised by their apparent misunderstanding of the meaning of ‘satire’ and, possibly more important, taking Ben Stein seriously. Also, it's really not funny. Some satirize themselves, and some satirize the serious crazies whilst themselves being serious crazies.

The atheist brain-god Thinky has clearly been making headway recently, as sites in favor and against spring up almost daily. Confusingly dressed like each other, satirical supporters trick their earnest opponents into believing they oppose him too, while outraging other supporters unable to see through the trickery. It’s little wonder that scientists believe 50-60% of cases of high blood pressure in atheists are caused by them working themselves up. Parodies of Thinky range from the thinly veiled to the not veiled at all, the latter being a weak impersonation of Frodology fan Roy Cozy.


Get Cozy: at your local Blockbuster

It was with some degree of pride that Frodology became the victim of the parody religion Phrodology, allegedly based on the worship of a false Messiah, Phrodo. I think he might be Greek.

Officially of course we are outraged that someone might have the gall to satirize a character whose existence is largely determined by our faith in Him. If He suckles at the teat of our faith for His sustenance, then critics of our faith threaten His very existence! Would you knowingly harm someone who only wanted the best for you?

Secretly, however, we know that the Phrodologist satirists are just venting their own frustrations. As Frodologists well know, anyone professing disbelief in Frodo is, sadly, just the victim of Sauron’s manipulation. Regardless of the fact that they have not chosen to be tools of Sauron, Frodo shall hold them personally responsible for their lack of responsibility.

After all, someone has to take the fall for man’s crimesins. Why should Frodo take responsibility for needlessly creating the universe, man, sin, man’s inability to do aught but sin, His own sacrifice to cleanse man of his sin, and the extensive bureaucracy required to determine whether each newly dead man is sinless enough to enter Heaven, despite the fact that Frodo’s earlier sacrifice should have exculpated man and saved Himself from the paperwork?

This is of course not the first time Frodology has been satirized in its long history. Historians believe that, not two thousand years ago, the little known son of a Jewish carpenter from Jerusalem first found use for his idle hands in parodying the Messiah. Unfortunately as his fans’ adulation turned to worship, he began to take himself too seriously, and a real religion was born when his ego finally slew his better judgment, an event popularly parodied by Monty Python’s The Life of Brian.

More recently, Frodologists have had their ribs poked by the Mormon Church, a religion so uproariously silly in its beliefs that some 13.7 million people subscribe to its RSS feed. The liberal reference to gold artifacts in their church’s lore and fancy serif font in their official logo are of course so clichéd in their attempt to convey legitimacy that their status as a parody religion is all but guaranteed. Interestingly, the Latter Day Saints movement is the first example in history of a satirical religion claiming more members than the religion it satirizes.

So do not fear that Frodo has become a target; instead, rejoice that His Word is reaching the foothills of the mountains of heresy. Soon shall they come tumbling down. Let us finish on an appropriate psalm, from the Age of Frodo:

And Frodo sayeth

"Lo! I am rubber

And you are but glue.

Whatever thou sayest

bounceth of me

and doth adhere to you."

And then there's this.

New Jesus action figures!

A Frodologist correspondent, Katie White, recently caught up with the manufacturer of a new series of Jesus action figures, Ben Ryan, for an interview.

White: Mr. Ryan, your new line of Jesus action figures is drawing a lot of attention. What can you tell me about them?

Ryan: We prefer to call them 'collectibles'.

White: Right, collectibles. Same question.

Ryan: Well, they’re made of plastic. Polyethylene mostly. They stand about six inches high, and they make a nice addition to any home.

White: Sorry, perhaps I wasn’t clear. Your products seem to have sparked a lot of controversy. Could you tell me why you think that is?

Ryan: You mean about the drugs?

White: I, um, what? No, I mean about cheapening the value of a sincere religious figure.

Ryan: Cheap? Well, they will retail for $14.95, I think.

White: How can I phrase this? Since you started producing the Jesus figures, you’ve had a lot of problems. People, they, they don’t like what you are doing.

Ryan: …

White: Question mark.

Ryan: Ah, I see what you mean. Yes, some people think that to preserve the Christianity “brand”, Jesus should remain in churches and on billboards, so they don’t really like him being turned into a six inch plastic figure. He comes with accessories though, people always forget that.

White: What do you think the benefits of selling these figures will be over keeping him in his traditional home?

Ryan: Well this way, you can take him with you everywhere. It used to be if you prayed out loud down at the Coney Island, people’d think you’re weird. But if you take your Jesus along, people will know exactly what you’re doing.

White: You, um, mentioned drugs earlier.

Ryan: No I didn’t.

White: Yes you did, right before you told me the price.

Ryan: How much?

White: What?

Ryan: How much do you want for the drugs?

White: I’m not trying to sell you drugs. You just said you had a problem with them!

Ryan: Lady, believe me, everyone who touches drugs has a problem. My advice, stay way the hell clear of ‘em.

White: Uh huh… ok, well perhaps you could just tell me what the Jesus figures do?

Ryan: All kinds of things. They’ll hear your prayers, watch over you on the road, perform miracles – small ones – and one of our younger customers has reported wielding Autobot Jesus in a great victory over Voldemort, the Sheriff of Nottingham, and a pair of velociraptors. They’re fully articulate too.

White: You mean articulated? Like their limbs move?

Ryan: No, I mean articulate. Jesus is a very good speaker, if you just open your heart to him.

White: You mentioned accessories earlier. What do they include?

Ryan: That depends on which version you get. Currently we have six different types: in addition to Autobot Jesus, we have Lawn Mowing Jesus, Hot Dog Vendor Jesus, Dr. Alan Grant Jesus, vanilla Jesus, and Cinderella Jesus, although the last one is basically just Barbie with a beard.

White: Is ‘vanilla’ Jesus just the plain, standard, sandals-and-robe Jesus, from the Bible?

Ryan: Excuse me, no, I meant Vanilla Ice Jesus. He comes with parachute pants, a boom box, and a lawsuit filed against him by the estate of Freddy Mercury and the other members of Queen.

White: Wow, he sounds like quite a toy!

Ryan: Sorry, ‘toy’?

White: Yeah, the Jesus action figures. It sounds like he’s going to make a great toy.

Ryan: They’re not ‘toys’. They’re Jesuses. You know, a personal Messiah, a Savior.

White: Right, but he’s just a figure, a representation of the real Jesus, who was your Messiah and Savior.

Ryan: These are real Jesuses. [knocks one on the table]

White: I know they’re real, but they’re not the real Jesus as a person, are they?

Ryan: Oh yeah! That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you. With one of these figures, you get your own personal Jesus. You no longer have to share with everyone else. He listens to you, and only you. Every whim – bam! – catered for. Like having a leprechaun, all to yourself!

White: Wait… seriously?

Ryan: Yeah, what did you think I was selling?

White: Wow... um, never mind. Where can I get one? Can I pay you? Right now?


Click to enlarge

[Rest of interview missing]

Mrs. White is no longer employed with Frodology, nor will she be saved by Frodo come the Frodocalypse.

In other news, look out for new Frodo action figures at your closest Toys R US!

Theocracy, not Theocrazy

Secularism. A word designed by secularists, for secularists. A word intended to conjure visions of noble men in silk stockings, and the civil equality their valiant slaves will one day enjoy only two hundred years later. But what is good about a system that imprisons its leaders in marble while still alive and turns them into public monuments?

Proponents of a separate church and state often give us the impression that it’s an unequivocal good. Yet as we know that the only absolute good is Frodo Himself, how can anything else be? Accordingly, we can conclude that the separation of church and state must have its faults, and since it’s widely touted by atheists, those deceitful worshipers of the brain-god Thinky, we can expect its failings to beguile us and couch themselves in the language of the common good.

The most obvious problem with secularism is that it’s a relatively young, upstart theory, and as such it has yet to earn our trust. Theocracies on the other hand have been around for centuries, and the nations that gave birth to them are more or less still in one piece: Byzantium, for example, is much of modern Turkey.

Similarly, based on such rigid, unbending, unchanging, and unprogressive dogma, theocracies are guaranteed to be politically stable. If fornication was immoral one thousand years ago, chances are it still is! This ensures that the nation’s laws are easier to learn, and guarantees a longer shelf life for guidebooks. 

Popularity is generally a good indication of the suitability of political systems, and theocracies were wildly popular with people of all stripes long before they were given such trivial things as the vote, free speech, and the resulting ability to indicate otherwise. In addition, Sweden and Finland are some of the most secular states on the planet, yet they get pitifully little sunlight during the winter. The correlation is certainly suggestive!


These are also suggestive. Words are fun.

Critics of theocratic rule note that they can be troubled by competing religious and state jurisdictions. More like double the justice, I say! Studies also indicate that civil servants work more effectively when threatened with eternal damnation as opposed to a negative quarterly performance review.

Easily convinced of the benefits of theocracy, as I’m sure you are by now, I would next like to submit that Frodo is the Messiah to take the reigns of power. Though critics argue his arms are too short for the job, Jesus’ are almost certainly too dead for the job. In addition, Frodo is widely known to have been a cunning statesman, inspiring many to study his political panache. Indeed, Otto von Bismarck is thought to have been a Frodologist.

"No civilization other than that which is Christian, is worth seeking or possessing."

Well that’s clearly the wrong quote. Regardless, we must recognize that if it is the state that gives us our rights, it can easily take them away. But if we get our rights from Frodo, we are safe in the knowledge that they are subject to the strict interpretation of unelected religious officials. Who always have our best interests in mind. Did I neglect to mention that? And under theocratic rule, our enemies and members of other faiths never get rights in the first place. Remember, it’s only persecution if you hear about it!

So, dear reader, next time you’re stirred unwelcome from your apathy and asked to vote, choose the option that will ensure you never need set foot in a claustrophobic voting booth again.

What does it mean to have a personal relationship with Frodo?

Since starting this website one of our most frequently received questions from both Frodologists and convert-hopefuls alike is the nature of followers’ relationship with Frodo, praise Him. “What does it mean to have a personal relationship with Him?” they ask. “How is my relationship with Frodo different than my relationship with the Christian God, or the Teletubbies?” others wonder.

While there are satirically-convenient similarities, each follower’s personal relationship with his Lord is quite different to one a Christian might have with his Jesus. It’s better too.

To really understand how a Frodologist communicates with Frodo, and opens his heart in so doing, this article has been laid out in the format of a series of questions.

How can I talk to Frodo?

You can talk to Frodo all the time! Best of all, it’s completely up to you how to do it. Most Frodologists prefer to do it silently, in their head. But if you feel full of faith, you’re free to talk to him out loud as well. You should be warned, however, that since a handful of Frodologists have been pelted with eggs whilst openly praying to Frodo on public transportation, vocal conversations with Him carry their risks.

How is that different than talking to myself?

Talking to yourself is not officially sanctioned by the Faith, and it’s something you can do on your own time.

Will Frodo respond to me?

It is important to remember that Frodo is one of the busiest deities there is, and he may not respond to you. Alternatively, some theologians believe Frodo may have lost the faculty of speech after all these years.

Accordingly, the Council of Fro’Moes have adopted the divinely revealed Doctrine of Silent Assent. This means that should Frodo not respond to a believer’s prayer, the believer can assume that Frodo gives his blessing to the request. In the spirit of the Doctrine, the Fro’Moe’Co was able to adopt it when they submitted it in proposal form to Frodo, asked for his approval, and heard nothing. What a truly fascinating study in applied theology!

This illustrates a key difference between Frodology and other faiths. While other religions might distinguish between wishes (which aren’t granted) and prayers (which are), Frodo simply grants nothing!

On the rare occasion that Frodo does respond to you, contact your local Fro’Moe immediately, as it is vital that the Faith is able to guide you, and not leave you to decipher His Divine Word alone. Also, you will shortly be committed to an institution. It is our experience that Frodo never responds, so you’re probably just mentally ill.

How do I know if He’s listening?

It can sometimes be tricky to distinguish between the Doctrine of Silent Assent and not being heard, but Frodologists can take comfort in the knowledge that Frodo can always hear you. What evidence do we have of that, you ask? Why, it’s right in the definition of “omniscience”! If Frodo is omniscient, then he is aware of everything at all times. It’s as simple as this nice, smooth, Ring of Power-shaped logic.

How do I ask forgiveness?

You can ask forgiveness for a whole raft of crimesins, from adultery through to things you suspect aren’t even sins! Additionally, the Frequent Prayer Program means that repeat offenders can streamline the forgiveness process. In combination with the DSA, the FPP (which was adopted via the DSA) means that the atonement procedure is far quicker than it is in other faiths. So if you feel like sticking it to the neighbor’s wife five nights out of seven, this might just be the religion for you! After all, since Frodo saw fit to make us all feckless crimesinners, it’s a mark of His beneficence that He afforded us this concession.

What do I get from praying to Frodo?

Frodo can give you comfort with His silence. Like the sense of peace you can only get from white noise, or perhaps that disturbing suffocating sensation you get when you enter a sound-proofed room, the complete quiet of an answered prayer gives succor to all believers.

Truly, Frodo has earned his motto, “be neither seen nor heard.”

Do I get to have sex with Frodo?

Frodo is thought to have had an extremely small penis, which would almost certainly leave modern women unsatisfied. This is of course a sign of His holy sanctity, as the female orgasm is a manifestation of Evil. His inability to cause them, even with his stubby little fingers, is surely a sign of His purity.

More questions? Then send 'em in!

Gondor, Mordor opt for more wardor

MINAS TIRITH -- Following our report several months ago of the invasion of Mordor by Gondor land forces, we belatedly bring you news that the conflict has subsequently flared up again. The conflagration has come at an unfortunate time for the outgoing King of Rohan, who has been busy dwelling on his legacy and making lame proclamations of success and progress in the Middle-Earth conflict. No less so is his ineffectual Secretary of State, though her failure to make an impact is more likely due to her being both black and a woman, traits not highly regarded by Mordor negotiating parties.

The region came to blows again after Gondor responded to cross-border attacks by Mordor militants with a campaign of limited bombing and falafel-eating. The orc bombardment originated in a disputed zone which Gondor ceded to Mordor nearly three years ago, in what is now looking like a laughably trustworthy gesture.

While Gondor ministers and certain Mordor representatives profess hope in a ceasefire, they will not treat as good news the voting of ‘ceasefire’ as the most overused word of 2008. Some critics argue in any case that counting on a cessation of hostilities is fundamentally flawed, since South Mordor’s leadership refuses to recognize Gondor. Confused as to why this should be, Gondor's leadership are considering an alternative recourse.

The author apologizes for the lack of a relevant cartoon

Though the international community has spoken out against the scale of Gondor’s response, a Rohan official claims “it is important to recognize the frustration of Gondor over the community’s inability to bring about a two-state solution. Or a one-state or a three-state solution. Or any solution at all, really.”

Meanwhile, unthinking support for Mordor’s plight has become the latest fashionable cause among youngsters in the West since it was pulled from a hat earlier this month, nudging out other contenders such as global warming and decreasing North Sea cod stocks. While discussion of the conflict is rife on network talk shows, analysis is often limited to the “madman at your door” argument, and viewers are thought to be tiring of the scarcely credible, thinly veiled analogies.

Residents of the troubled region are mildly dismayed by both the bombardment and the casual understatement of their ordeal by the media. Some apparently regret having voted a terrorist organization into power, as opposed to one that was merely corrupt and useless. Mordor orc-children have also been unable to attend school throughout the bombing. "Many of the students missed today's lesson on karma and hubris," worried a local teacher.

A representative for Gondor’s forces has however been quick to point out that while most of the ceded area has already been destroyed, “we’re mostly targeting bomb craters now. They’re a real scourge,” he added.

Enroll for your MSc in Anfrodology today!

It is my pleasure to introduce you to one of the most exciting new disciplines in academia today. The study of anfrodology examines the origins of hobbits, and studies the journey of these scrappy little creatures through life. The subject asks whether development is progressive, and whether hobbits are the pinnacle of creation, before quickly answering both questions in the affirmative.

In some ways anfrodology is a 'new' subject. For example, no one had heard of it before it was created out of thin air a few hours ago. But at the same time, it's also a very 'old' subject, in the sense that we can make up history too.

Few universities offer the degree, and even fewer employers recognize it, so you'll be entering an exclusive club by enrolling. But hold on! Don't take my word for it. Browse the curriculum and multitude of benefits to studying for a master's degree in anfrodology, then take my word for it.

Curriculum

Fun fact! The word 'curriculum' comes from the Latin curriculum, which means 'cucumber' in English.

1. In the first semester, students will take a philosophy of science module which encourages them to challenge their preconceptions. The class, 'Everything you learned about evolution in high school was wrong (and you're a bad person too)', prepares students for the rigors of participating in scarcely credible seminars and stretching their trust in their teachers to near Christian proportions.

2. Concurrently, students enrolling for Autumn 2009 will be the final class to take the module 'The Origins of Woman', in which they will discover the shocking truth that she is the result of a chance mutation from a turnip. Since she has plateaued developmentally ever since, a concept science calls 'stagnation', woman will not feature at all in future syllabi. Syllabye bye!

3. Students will then take the highly popular module, 'Turnips - Our Intellectual Inferiors?' During the course of study they will learn exciting Truths such as the progressive nature of development, aided by an archaic looking 19th Century Pyramid of Life learning companion.



Fun Fact! If it can't be depicted triangularly, it can't be true.

4. In the second year (surprise, there's a second year!) students will be foremost concerned with a module called 'Pure Blind Chance - Secondary Deity and Motor of Change'. Considered a highlight of the course, students learn how development is entirely the result of randomness and luck. Learning to properly worship Chance as a servant of Frodo absorbs much of students' time, but through doing so they learn how it is responsible for all of life's creations, and discover why no transitional fossils such as Australopithecus or Homo habilis exist.

5. Learning in the second year is augmented by seminars on 'Theories are the Worst Kind of Science'. Students are taught how the rules described by any theory could easily change at any time, as soon as next week, because by definition theories are unproven. The seminars involve a thought experiment, which encourages students to imagine a system whereby creatures slowly develop across millennia through a passive selective mechanism, resulting in the continued propagation of certain species due to the suitability for life of observable random mutations. Through suspending their disbelief via this absurd example, students learn how the natural laws governing the universe could easily be different.

Fun fact! Increasing paragraph length is a sign of poor planning.

6. In the second semester, students learn how natural mechanisms should dictate their ethical creed in the module 'Morality - Slaying the Fickle Beast'. Students must complete an end of year project, which consisted last year of helping the Malayan lesser crested warbler into early endangerment to make more room for the Malayan greater crested warbler.

7. The final module, a case study on irreducible complexity, teaches students how to apply what they have learned in the real world. In previous years, students have had to write theses on the irreducible complexity of each stage in the evolution of the eye: from a single photosensitive cell, through a collection of such cells, to the development of 'pinhole camera' eyes, protective lenses, and ending with the multicellular complex ocular organs of hobbits. That's a lot of irreducible complexity!

But wait, there's more!

Anfrodology degrees feature additional benefits that other subjects don't share. For example, anfrodology students get the opportunity to travel to the Gondor-Mordor border for excavation work. Due to recent political developments, there is currently an abundance of fresh proto-fossils, a biological compound not unlike a corpse.

Also, scripture reading is heavily encouraged. We consider it a type of 'distance learning', because it challenges students to see how far away they can get from observable reality before they stop making sense.

What you'll get from studying with us

• Reinforcement of your opinions and an offended sense of self-righteousness whenever anyone contradicts you
  
• Next to no life experience outside the subject itself
  
• Herpes, thanks to the campus-wide ban on condoms

Frequently Asked Questions

Every faith finds itself at that point in time where it is pinned by its believers' increasingly paranoid questions against the rock of its own exposure. It's crunch time. Do you stick to your story, or admit there was a sperm involved? Is it possible you got the age of the Earth wrong, or can you successfully dismiss 4 1/2 billion years of rocks with a wave of the hand?

For Frodology, that time is at hand. Here then, are our twenty most frequently asked questions.

1. Why did Frodo and Sam have to trek all the way to Mordor when Gandalf had that allegiance with the Eagles? They flew them away, why not fly them there?

The eagle is a proud creature of the order Minor Background Characters. It is remarkable for its habit of showing up when a protagonist has painted himself into a corner from which it is impossible to escape, without him dying of course. A single eagle raises between two and three young simultaneously, and its nest is known as an 'aerie'.

2. Boromir lugged that heavy shield all the way from Gondor only to forget it when he was shot in the chest with three arrows, arguably the time when he needed it most. What gives?

There is actually only paltry evidence that his leather bound, studded bronze shield even was a shield. Apart from using the shield as a shield to fight goblins and the cave troll in the Moria mines, no further mention is made of the shield-like object. Its shield-like appearance is therefore thought to be only a coincidence, and it is far more likely that the shield was actually a pillow, or perhaps a fruit bowl.

3. Eowyn is said to have killed the Witch King leader of the Ringwraiths. How is this possible when we now know that she was a woman?

We now live in an enlightened age where misogyny and sex discrimination are not tolerated. Women are perfectly capable of accomplishing things when they are given help by others, just as Eowyn was helped to kill the Witch King by the hobbit Merry.

4. The demon that drags Gandalf from the bridge of Kazad-Dum and battles him to the summit of a mountain is made from fire and shadow. I didn't know fire and shadow could do that.

That's not really a question.

5. The ents eventually leave the forest to bring hell upon the evil wizard Saruman at Isengard, but only after they let an army escape, one that later kills a lot of people. Why didn't they do something sooner?

Ents are a type of tree, and it is widely considered miraculous by Frodologists that they "did" anything at all.

6. When Gandalf, Elrond and Frodo 'sail into the West' at the end of the final book, where exactly are they going?

At this point in time, it was not known that the globe was spherical, so presumably they thought they were sailing to the end of the Earth, or the 'Undying Lands'. Cirdan, the elven shipwright, had never left his home port and would not have known that they would merely end up several thousand miles East of where they started. He would later lose his shipwright's license and purchase a Radio Shack franchise.

7. I find myself attracted to the character of Grima Wormtongue. Is there something wrong with me? What if he looks like my middle school PE teacher?

There is nothing wrong with you. Grima was a handsome individual, widely loved for his greasy black hair, pale, watery eyes, and ghostly complexion. Frodo teaches us to follow love where we find it. If that happens to be your PE teacher, then who is to stop you, other than the law and your teacher's contract of employment?

8. After installing a new hard drive, Windows freezes on the login screen and won't even accept my password. Is that supposed to happen?

Ensure your drive is set to 'slave' mode. Frodo teaches that great deeds are possible through enslavement.

9. Gandalf says that Gollum evolved from a river person, a creature not unlike a hobbit. How is that possible when we know evolution is false?

Gollum was an unholy, evil creature, and evolution is an unholy, evil theory. Poetically it's fitting, provided you don't trouble yourself over the how.

10. Don't you think Glorfindel is a pretty gay name?

I do.

11. You criticize Christians who think that their god created the world from an infinite supply of silly putty, but you believe that a bunch of sky fairies sang the world into existence. What the fuck does that even mean?

We now think that 'sang' is a metaphor for 'allowed to occur through natural processes'.

12. In The Fellowship of the Ring, the group bands together and glories in killing a troll, when it's clearly an endangered species. Isn't that kind of wrong?

Not if you consider that the animal's endangerment is punishment for its evildoing, notwithstanding its inability to comprehend the concepts of guilt, punishment, justice, or evil. It's all part of Frodo's plan.

13. At the very beginning, Sauron is killed when Isildur merely chops off a few of his fingers. Is he a hemophiliac or something?

Scientists nowadays think it was more the shock that killed Sauron, rather than the loss of a few fingers. The sudden pain sent his adrenal gland into overdrive, which gave him a heart attack and caused his body to, uh, evaporate. These things happen.

14. It's a huge deal when Elrond reforges Narsil, "the Sword that was Broken" and convinces Aragorn to wield it, proving he's King of Gondor. But if it was broken, it's clearly not a very good sword, is it?

We believe that Aragorn wanted to have someone else to blame if the sword broke again. It's a concept known as 'delegating responsibility'.

15. At least four people wear the Ring and go invisible: Isildur, Gollum, Bilbo, and Frodo. But when Sauron wears it, all it does is make him look like he's married. Was Sauron married?

Oh, I, um, was expecting a different question... Well, records suggest that despite his many minions, Sauron lived a fairly lonely life. The closest you could say is that Sauron was 'married' to the Ring. The analogy is apt, as Sauron was willing to enslave and torture while under his spouse's corrupting influence.

16. In the film when Sam and Frodo walk through Mordor, we see hundreds of thousands of orcs, but no visible means of supporting them. Where are the farms and shops? Did they even have irrigation?

Viewers have received a distorted view of Mordor from watching the film, seeing as they did only the barren scrub land of North Mordor. The orcs marshaling there had traveled a great distance from their homes in South Mordor, or Mesomodoria, a region largely ignored by Tolkien, but famed for its agricultural bounty and culture. We still hate them though.

17. Gandalf is thousands of years old and enormously wise, and yet still has to google "gold ring makes wearer invisible" to discover that Bilbo is in possession of the One Ring. Shouldn't he be better at his job?

That's a little unfair on Gandalf. Googling is a legitimate element of most office jobs these days, and is generally what lawyers are referring to when they speak of "research". Furthermore, the Wikipedia page on the One Ring was only a stub when Gandalf began his search.

18. Sauron's tower only has one all seeing eye. Doesn't that interfere with his depth perception?

Absolutely. In fact, when Frodo first dons the Ring whilst staying at a tavern in Bree, Sauron could be seen madly swinging his sword on the steps of his dark tower, thousands of miles away. Orcs embarrassed by their leader's klutzy discoordination are said to have deserted Sauron in droves at this point.

19. Why do the Black Gates open outwards? Wouldn't it be better if it was called the Black Cupboard?

Um... no.

20. Gondor and Mordor have been fighting over the same patch of dirt for yonks. Wouldn't it have been in both their interests to establish a power sharing agreement with a rotating leadership, under the supervision of a neutral third party?

Gondor benefits from thriving wartime industries. It is widely known as a manufacturer of quality armor, and but for the aid it desperately solicits from Rohan in times of conflict, Gondor's economy would likely suffer. That and all of Mordor is stupid and evil. All of it. Every last conscious being. Would you share power with them?

The good thing about an FAQ is that nowhere in the title does it say that questions are going to be adequately answered.

The Ten Suggestions – Part I

It is no secret that Christians like to be told in no uncertain terms what to do by a trusted authority figure, much like a child is easily led into the back of a windowless van outside his school. Frodologists, however, prefer to be cajoled and persuaded. It is this free-wheeling, ‘hobbitesque’ attitude that the Faith has wholeheartedly come to embrace, after many, many centuries of brutally trying to suppress it.

For this reason, Frodo’s Law is generally distilled not into rigid dogma, but into ten practical, easily-swallowed suggestions. The Suggestions are subdivided into five Fro-dos and five Fro-don’ts.

First is the list of Fro-dos, straight from the horse’s mouth. And by that, I mean Frodo’s mouth. Frodo isn’t a horse. That was just a saying, you know. I just want to be clear on that.

Fro-dos

1. You shall take a hobbit surname.

Some Frodologists may find it inconvenient to comply with this, or simply not want to. If that’s the case, it’s perfectly alright. You still have to do it though. Perhaps you expected me to say something different judging by the content of the previous sentence. Well, that’s irony for you.


2. Keep your ears pointy and your feet hairy.

The reference to pointy ears is thought to express the importance of remaining aware of the enemy’s plans and movements, and gaining as much information as possible.

The reference to hairy feet is thought to be a ban on shaving one’s feet.


3. You shall think in terms of oversimplified dichotomies.

This really does make life easier. Here are a few favorites that may aid in streamlining your life:

• Good v. Evil
  
• East v. West
  
• Democrat v. Republican
  
• Fruit v. Vegetable
  
• Male v. Female

Fig. 1, A hermaphroditic snail has no place in Frodo's world


4. Do your utmost to bring the Word of Frodo to the Heathen.

Perhaps the most effective way to do this is by wasting as much of their time as possible blogging. Endless circular arguments and frequent use of logical fallacies are particularly effective for preoccupying atheists. We have also had notable success converting Christians with the bendy pencil trick.


Fig. 2, Some Christians may take longer to break with this method than others, but they all cave eventually


5. Take offense to nearly everything and portray yourself as persecuted as frequently as possible.

Skillfully practiced, you can be both intolerant of other faiths and easily offended at the same time. Please feel free to follow in Bill Donohue’s footsteps and label any of the following “hate speech”:

• Any suggestion that at some point in time someone was killed in Frodo’s name, followed by an insinuation that it was a bad thing
  
• If people profess to worship deities which are clearly made up, like the Invisible Pink Unicorn, the Flying Spaghetti Monster, Odin, or Richard Dawkins
  
• The placement of a discreet poster within eyeshot of a Frodological symbol which suggests that Frodologists might be incorrect in their beliefs
  
• The proposal that two persons of the same gender might one day be married
  
• The labeling of you as ‘jowly’

Check back soon for Part II, Five Fro-don'ts!

Oops, celebrating the New Year was a sin

It’s no secret that holidays provide celebrants plenty of opportunity to sin. Coworkers at the office Christmas party have sex out of wedlock. Other, more envious coworkers think about having sex out of wedlock. Diners engorge themselves on turkey, cake, and wine, and sit idly by while atheists gnaw on babies. The slothful sleep in late, which of course only gives them more opportunity to have sex out of wedlock.

There is however a more surprising way in which the faithful can defile themselves in the eyes of their Lord. By celebrating the New Year, party goers are in fact jubilating over a purely naturalistic scientific concept: the year.

Oddly, since the sun was discovered by vertebrates several millennia ago, man has not been content merely to watch it trace its path across the sky, day after day. Early man pondered over the bizarre combination of factors that led the sun to cause parts of the globe to heat up and others to cool down, except in Singapore, where a proportion of residents are still eagerly waiting for their first snowfall.

Eventually, someone clever realized that the process was cyclical, and set about trying to decipher the period, because it would be nice to, I don’t know, grow crops or something. Hunter gatherers watched enviously as their neighbors stopped hunting and gathering, and started having more sex and going to Led Zeppelin concerts.

Finally the Romans invented a calendar which gave them years of alternately varying length, with the number of added days being determined by a round robin cock fight tournament at the public baths towards the end of December¹. However this unreliable system caused the calendar to drift out of sync with the path of the sun by one day per year, arguably defeating the purpose of a solar calendar.



Remarkably it only took Roman astronomers several centuries to decide the situation was not ideal, and thus was born the Julian calendar. It kind of sucked too, but was oddly good enough for the omniscient Son of God. Finally, in 1582, an angry Jesus briefly rose from the dead demanding to know why Christians were celebrating his birthday ten days late. The Gregorian calendar was finally created to placate the displeased deity.

To make a long story short and bring an end to several paragraphs worth of useless background information, the year is a purely naturalistic, and dare I say it, pagan concept which involves nothing more than the sun’s interaction with the Earth. And they get along just great. By celebrating the cycle, Christians are glorying in naturalism.

Frodologists of course believe that Frodo is responsible for moving the Earth around the Sun, just as He once moved the Sun around the Earth until Copernicus convinced Him to change His mind. We believe the Earth’s orbit has nothing to do with gravity, which is of course a totally untestable concept. But Christians should know better.

---

1. Some think this is what Christmas traditionally celebrates