The Ten Suggestions – Part I

It is no secret that Christians like to be told in no uncertain terms what to do by a trusted authority figure, much like a child is easily led into the back of a windowless van outside his school. Frodologists, however, prefer to be cajoled and persuaded. It is this free-wheeling, ‘hobbitesque’ attitude that the Faith has wholeheartedly come to embrace, after many, many centuries of brutally trying to suppress it.

For this reason, Frodo’s Law is generally distilled not into rigid dogma, but into ten practical, easily-swallowed suggestions. The Suggestions are subdivided into five Fro-dos and five Fro-don’ts.

First is the list of Fro-dos, straight from the horse’s mouth. And by that, I mean Frodo’s mouth. Frodo isn’t a horse. That was just a saying, you know. I just want to be clear on that.

Fro-dos

1. You shall take a hobbit surname.

Some Frodologists may find it inconvenient to comply with this, or simply not want to. If that’s the case, it’s perfectly alright. You still have to do it though. Perhaps you expected me to say something different judging by the content of the previous sentence. Well, that’s irony for you.


2. Keep your ears pointy and your feet hairy.

The reference to pointy ears is thought to express the importance of remaining aware of the enemy’s plans and movements, and gaining as much information as possible.

The reference to hairy feet is thought to be a ban on shaving one’s feet.


3. You shall think in terms of oversimplified dichotomies.

This really does make life easier. Here are a few favorites that may aid in streamlining your life:

• Good v. Evil
  
• East v. West
  
• Democrat v. Republican
  
• Fruit v. Vegetable
  
• Male v. Female

Fig. 1, A hermaphroditic snail has no place in Frodo's world


4. Do your utmost to bring the Word of Frodo to the Heathen.

Perhaps the most effective way to do this is by wasting as much of their time as possible blogging. Endless circular arguments and frequent use of logical fallacies are particularly effective for preoccupying atheists. We have also had notable success converting Christians with the bendy pencil trick.


Fig. 2, Some Christians may take longer to break with this method than others, but they all cave eventually


5. Take offense to nearly everything and portray yourself as persecuted as frequently as possible.

Skillfully practiced, you can be both intolerant of other faiths and easily offended at the same time. Please feel free to follow in Bill Donohue’s footsteps and label any of the following “hate speech”:

• Any suggestion that at some point in time someone was killed in Frodo’s name, followed by an insinuation that it was a bad thing
  
• If people profess to worship deities which are clearly made up, like the Invisible Pink Unicorn, the Flying Spaghetti Monster, Odin, or Richard Dawkins
  
• The placement of a discreet poster within eyeshot of a Frodological symbol which suggests that Frodologists might be incorrect in their beliefs
  
• The proposal that two persons of the same gender might one day be married
  
• The labeling of you as ‘jowly’

Check back soon for Part II, Five Fro-don'ts!