Oops, celebrating the New Year was a sin

It’s no secret that holidays provide celebrants plenty of opportunity to sin. Coworkers at the office Christmas party have sex out of wedlock. Other, more envious coworkers think about having sex out of wedlock. Diners engorge themselves on turkey, cake, and wine, and sit idly by while atheists gnaw on babies. The slothful sleep in late, which of course only gives them more opportunity to have sex out of wedlock.

There is however a more surprising way in which the faithful can defile themselves in the eyes of their Lord. By celebrating the New Year, party goers are in fact jubilating over a purely naturalistic scientific concept: the year.

Oddly, since the sun was discovered by vertebrates several millennia ago, man has not been content merely to watch it trace its path across the sky, day after day. Early man pondered over the bizarre combination of factors that led the sun to cause parts of the globe to heat up and others to cool down, except in Singapore, where a proportion of residents are still eagerly waiting for their first snowfall.

Eventually, someone clever realized that the process was cyclical, and set about trying to decipher the period, because it would be nice to, I don’t know, grow crops or something. Hunter gatherers watched enviously as their neighbors stopped hunting and gathering, and started having more sex and going to Led Zeppelin concerts.

Finally the Romans invented a calendar which gave them years of alternately varying length, with the number of added days being determined by a round robin cock fight tournament at the public baths towards the end of December¹. However this unreliable system caused the calendar to drift out of sync with the path of the sun by one day per year, arguably defeating the purpose of a solar calendar.



Remarkably it only took Roman astronomers several centuries to decide the situation was not ideal, and thus was born the Julian calendar. It kind of sucked too, but was oddly good enough for the omniscient Son of God. Finally, in 1582, an angry Jesus briefly rose from the dead demanding to know why Christians were celebrating his birthday ten days late. The Gregorian calendar was finally created to placate the displeased deity.

To make a long story short and bring an end to several paragraphs worth of useless background information, the year is a purely naturalistic, and dare I say it, pagan concept which involves nothing more than the sun’s interaction with the Earth. And they get along just great. By celebrating the cycle, Christians are glorying in naturalism.

Frodologists of course believe that Frodo is responsible for moving the Earth around the Sun, just as He once moved the Sun around the Earth until Copernicus convinced Him to change His mind. We believe the Earth’s orbit has nothing to do with gravity, which is of course a totally untestable concept. But Christians should know better.

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1. Some think this is what Christmas traditionally celebrates

Sun angry God credited for beautiful sunsets

The sun spoke out today for the first time about the increasing number of its beautiful sunsets which are being attributed to God. The outburst occurred today at a Mormon wedding reception in Oahu, Hawaii. Witnesses agree that it occurred shortly after the mother of the bride exclaimed that the sheer beauty of the sky's celestial palette reassured her of God's magnanimous beneficence and reinforced her devotion to Him. Actually, it was more like "gee, that sunset sure is super. It really makes me feel closer to the Lord Jesus Christ. Like I feel like I really know him when I see that."

Confused onlookers admitted to being surprised to hear the voice coming from above. Not knowing any better, they attributed it to God, only angering the sun more.

The sun was pissed

Later on the sun calmed down and tried to explain the nature of its grievances. It became clear that he does not understand why the credit for all his hard work is continually given to God. Frustrated at the lack of appreciation, the sun finally decided to speak out. "Who is this 'God' anyway? I've never even met the guy, but I'm up there all the time in the sky working my ass off. People show their friends their holiday snaps, and it's 'God' again. I'm right there in the freakin' picture!"


The sun alleges that is him there in the freakin' picture, not God

With the sun setting somewhere on Earth during every second of the day, the frequency of mistaken praise received by God must be enormous, and the sun's chagrin should perhaps not come as a surprise. The sun wanted to make it clear that he is not angry at God per se, but he certainly feels He could be doing more to set the record straight. "At least humans have dropped the whole Apollo thing. I'm not a deity, I'm just a flaming ball of gas."

The sun believes that taking all the credit when something goes right smacks of double standards when everything’s just sort of ho hum the rest of the time.


Three notes in harmony

The sun’s angry outcry against the Almighty follows on the footsteps of other disenfranchised groups such as the Coalition of Independent Ova and Snowflakes for an Atheist Tomorrow. A representative for CIO explained that many ova worldwide feel that they deserve more attention for the role they play in creating foetuses. “Conception? Yep, that’s us. Babies’ smiles? Us again. Haven’t a clue why people think God has anything to do with it. Never even met the guy.”

Frodo however spoke out on behalf of God. "Yeah, he could be doing more, and I'll grant you he's not perfect. But he is pretty old, and in spite of that he's doing a reasonable job. Plus you can't really blame him for pulling out of Michigan. It was a lost cause." At this point the interviewer asked Frodo what the hell he was talking about. "Oh, I thought you were talking about Senator McCain." When prompted about God, Frodo admitted "actually, I've never even met the guy."

God was not available for comment.