What does it mean to have a personal relationship with Frodo?

Since starting this website one of our most frequently received questions from both Frodologists and convert-hopefuls alike is the nature of followers’ relationship with Frodo, praise Him. “What does it mean to have a personal relationship with Him?” they ask. “How is my relationship with Frodo different than my relationship with the Christian God, or the Teletubbies?” others wonder.

While there are satirically-convenient similarities, each follower’s personal relationship with his Lord is quite different to one a Christian might have with his Jesus. It’s better too.

To really understand how a Frodologist communicates with Frodo, and opens his heart in so doing, this article has been laid out in the format of a series of questions.

How can I talk to Frodo?

You can talk to Frodo all the time! Best of all, it’s completely up to you how to do it. Most Frodologists prefer to do it silently, in their head. But if you feel full of faith, you’re free to talk to him out loud as well. You should be warned, however, that since a handful of Frodologists have been pelted with eggs whilst openly praying to Frodo on public transportation, vocal conversations with Him carry their risks.

How is that different than talking to myself?

Talking to yourself is not officially sanctioned by the Faith, and it’s something you can do on your own time.

Will Frodo respond to me?

It is important to remember that Frodo is one of the busiest deities there is, and he may not respond to you. Alternatively, some theologians believe Frodo may have lost the faculty of speech after all these years.

Accordingly, the Council of Fro’Moes have adopted the divinely revealed Doctrine of Silent Assent. This means that should Frodo not respond to a believer’s prayer, the believer can assume that Frodo gives his blessing to the request. In the spirit of the Doctrine, the Fro’Moe’Co was able to adopt it when they submitted it in proposal form to Frodo, asked for his approval, and heard nothing. What a truly fascinating study in applied theology!

This illustrates a key difference between Frodology and other faiths. While other religions might distinguish between wishes (which aren’t granted) and prayers (which are), Frodo simply grants nothing!

On the rare occasion that Frodo does respond to you, contact your local Fro’Moe immediately, as it is vital that the Faith is able to guide you, and not leave you to decipher His Divine Word alone. Also, you will shortly be committed to an institution. It is our experience that Frodo never responds, so you’re probably just mentally ill.

How do I know if He’s listening?

It can sometimes be tricky to distinguish between the Doctrine of Silent Assent and not being heard, but Frodologists can take comfort in the knowledge that Frodo can always hear you. What evidence do we have of that, you ask? Why, it’s right in the definition of “omniscience”! If Frodo is omniscient, then he is aware of everything at all times. It’s as simple as this nice, smooth, Ring of Power-shaped logic.

How do I ask forgiveness?

You can ask forgiveness for a whole raft of crimesins, from adultery through to things you suspect aren’t even sins! Additionally, the Frequent Prayer Program means that repeat offenders can streamline the forgiveness process. In combination with the DSA, the FPP (which was adopted via the DSA) means that the atonement procedure is far quicker than it is in other faiths. So if you feel like sticking it to the neighbor’s wife five nights out of seven, this might just be the religion for you! After all, since Frodo saw fit to make us all feckless crimesinners, it’s a mark of His beneficence that He afforded us this concession.

What do I get from praying to Frodo?

Frodo can give you comfort with His silence. Like the sense of peace you can only get from white noise, or perhaps that disturbing suffocating sensation you get when you enter a sound-proofed room, the complete quiet of an answered prayer gives succor to all believers.

Truly, Frodo has earned his motto, “be neither seen nor heard.”

Do I get to have sex with Frodo?

Frodo is thought to have had an extremely small penis, which would almost certainly leave modern women unsatisfied. This is of course a sign of His holy sanctity, as the female orgasm is a manifestation of Evil. His inability to cause them, even with his stubby little fingers, is surely a sign of His purity.

More questions? Then send 'em in!

Let's all pray for the economy

Barack Obama’s recent victory in the US presidential elections is arguably all the proof we need that the power of prayer is weak at best. Or it would be if we didn’t think the whole concept of evidence was an atheist sleight of hand, or possibly witchcraft. Accordingly we invite Frodologists to dust off their prayer boots, bow their heads, and pray like holy hell. The recipient of our temporarily flaccid well wishing? The economy.


Fig. 1, It happens with age

It’s no secret that we’re living in troubled times, and as Frodologists, we should be outraged that moor people aren’t asking their respective Almighties for a shot in the fiscal arm. Oh dear, did I say ‘moor’ people? I meant ‘more’ people. How clumsy and misleadingly racist that looks.

Indeed, Christians especially should be more vehemently praying for the economy. God, after all, has to pay child support too. Unfortunately, the courts tend to side with the mother in cases of illegitimate children, even when their mothers spout loony stories about being immaculate virgins. God has since become an outspoken proponent of protected sex, becoming Trojan’s most prolific spokesperson in recent years. In a recent press conference, God deplored the Holy See’s lax attitude to latex. “I can’t understand why the Vatican keeps pushing the abstinence only thing. It’s like they’re not even listening to me!”


Fig. 2, More than a feeling

That the economy needs praying for is not questioned. A major television network has recently toned down the pomposity of one of its most popular game shows, adopting a format more useful to its contestants.



British Prime Minister Gordon Brown is reportedly thrilled that Frodologists will be praying for the economy. He admitted that while the nation was looking to his steady hand to guide them through the worst of the upcoming recession, his interest rate cuts have been more akin to randomly fumbling with dials and levers than sound economic policy. “People forget that it’s Jews who are good with money, not Scots,” he confessed.

While Frodology’s habit of praying for things has been criticized by those more actively inclined, it is in fact perfectly in line with general religious policy. The passive involvement of prayer allows us to claim credit when something goes right, while loudly lambasting people who actually make tangible contributions when they fail or don’t promote a conservative agenda. The recent success of Proposition 8 in California is thus vindication of our prayers, and nothing to do with the fact that west coast bigotry occasionally outweighs voter apathy.

To guarantee the success of our efforts, we are handing out pamphlets actively encouraging the unemployed to pray rather than find new jobs. Not only does it prevent them cluttering up the streets with their unkempt ugliness, it also offer an ethereal waif of hope. Would the masses really wax hopeful if prayer didn’t work?

So put away your Oxford Encyclopedia of Dashed Hopes and Shattered Dreams, and come pray with us today!