A conversion guide for Christians

Christianity has long been a jumping off point for those who want to explore other, more alternative faiths. Like the way you might prepare for a trip to Vegas by going to Reno, and a trip to Hell by going Vegas, many Christians are only on their way to another religion. 

See that guy in the back with his smarmy grin and moist palms? Future Scientologist. And the gullible one reading Genesis like it's a newspaper? A Mormon, just passing through. And the rest of the congregation? Eagerly anticipating the trip to Heaven. In any case, it’s clear that Frodology is on the up and up, and Christianity is furnishing the Faith with its greatest source of converts.

But how easy is it to convert? After reading this handy little guide, you’ll see that it’s as easy as pie! Wait… what? 

Telling your family and friends

Most would-be Frodologists are chiefly worried about telling their bigoted loved ones of their conversion, for fear of rejection, disownment, or worse still, being prayed for. If this is applies to you, well don’t worry too much, because they’re all going to Hell anyway!

I’m joking of course – actually I’m not – but seriously, breaking the news to your family can be difficult, which is why, above all, I urge you to be tactical and practical. A little T&P. A teepee, if you have trouble remembering it. Some of you are probably expecting a racist joke right about now. That’s because racism is funny. Where was I?

Oh yes, breaking the news. Many new converts have reported great success with diversionary tactics. Perhaps the following mock conversation between new Frodology convert Ben and his Christian Dad will inspire you:

Ben: Christian Dad, I have something to tell you…

Dad: What is it, Christian son?

Ben: Well, I’m not a Christian anymore.

Dad: What?! Are you rejecting the Lord Jesus Christ as your savior?!!

Ben: Um, no, no. I’m kidding, I just wanted to see how you’d react. I’m actually gay.

Dad: What?! That’s much worse! You little sodomite, I’ll beat it out of you, so help me God!

Ben: No, please, put your cane down! I’m joking again! Actually I was serious the first time. I’m no longer a Christian.

Dad: Oh, well that’s not so bad, so long as you’re not a queer.

Ben: I knew you’d understand. I really am gay though.

What should I do with my Bible?

While this may not have occurred while you were still a Christian, it’s probably now safe to read it. Most new converts have a hard time believing what it actually contains: slavery, infanticide, and plenty of good, old fashioned misogyny. If it wasn’t for all the dreary moralizing and lack of a believable protagonist, it might even give The Lord of the Rings a run for its money.

Once you’ve finished it, feel free to give it away to charity, because as we all know, what the poor need is another hollow-promise substitute for their ballooning income disparity and growing pack of ratty children. Before you do pass it on, make sure to have a bit of fun by adding your own Biblical books. Try the following for inspiration:

The Book of Truisms, 7:13

“And the LORD sayeth, ‘as two wrongs maketh not a right, thou shalt make love, not war, for verily sharing is caring. For the fool fights fire with fire, and laments in his heart, I have been to paradise, but I’ve never been to me’.”

Crustaceans, 5:17

“And He went forth amongst the people of Crustacea, and He remarked to them ‘what spindly legs thou hast, and what skill at scuttling sideways.’ And the people responded ‘all the better to run from thee, O Lord!’”

Fermentations, 2:4

“God saw the foamy head, and declared that it was good. For God so loved the world, He gave unto them His only begotten ale. And He told the people, ‘go forth and be wasted’.”

Can I still be good?

Many Christians are understandably worried that by losing their connection to God, they’ll become immoral drifters in a world gone awry. It’s important to remember however that as a Christian, you were never really ‘good’ anyway. Had you actually read your Bible, you would have discovered that the God you worshiped so dearly held you in the highest contempt. His exacting standard is such that, while you might have scraped by in society without committing any crimes, you weren’t about to get into Heaven without an anabolic amount of prayer.

So rather than still being good, you might be pleased to find out that you can finally be good.

Do I still have to let Uncle Bobby touch me?

That depends on the reason for the touching. If your molestation has a secular cause, such as Uncle Bobby being habitually drunk, retarded, or from Alabama (i.e. both), then your conversion will not affect it, and you're going to have to let the touching continue. If, however, Uncle Bobby is an ordained religious official, then you're in luck! Once you become a Frodologist, you no longer have to tolerate it to preserve the integrity of your former religion. 

Special advice for Catholics

If you’re a Catholic, we understand that you will find it hard to live a guiltless life, and we don’t recommend going cold turkey. We offer a series of seminars to help you through the transition, providing a weekly fix of guilt until you can be weaned off it entirely. New Frodologist convert Wendy Flynn had this to say: 

“My favorite part was reenacting communion, where everyone gets up to receive the bread and wine. Then the seminar leader, who plays the priest, lays into everybody in a cold fury to make us all feel guilty for receiving salvation. He kept yelling ‘You tink the Laard likes giving himself up every week so you twits can keep up yer sinning?’ It was just like being a Catholic again, it felt so good! “

Why are you exploiting me and my soul for comedic effect?

Don't worry, it's not real.

So if you're a Christian on your way to another faith, you might as well make the journey count. That's why we're proud to welcome back into the fold the best-selling author of Escaping Frodology, whose revised 2nd edition will be completed with all the glee of mandatory contractual fulfilment she can muster. As thrilled as she is to be reunited with her children, we bet she's even happier to know her soul is in good hands!

Frodo behind 78% of world’s good

Frodology has conclusively surpassed Christianity in its claim to be the supreme moral arbiter of civilizations past and present. Christianity’s argument is based on its notion that without God, people are basically immoral fiends who bathe in the blood of unbaptized children and don’t reuse their plastic bags. Prominent atheists reject this claim, confoundingly purporting that people can be good of their own volition. Wait, didn’t we just read about people bathing in blood?


Fig. 1, Everything bad you've ever thought about an atheist is true

The problem with Christianity, however, is that it has never been able to quantify what proportion of the world’s benevolence is attributable to their God. While certain apologists will tell us that all of the goodness in the world is the direct result of Yahweh being a beneficent deity, this rings a little hollow. It is for one thing woefully unscientific. For instance, the Christian God makes no mention of dolphins, so preoccupied is He with the morality of man. On the contrary, dolphins are one of the few truly altruistic species on the planet. Why only last week they single handedly disabled and sank Paris Hilton’s private yacht, to the vast amusement of all.

Frodologist scientists, however, have conclusively proven that Frodo is behind at least 78% of the world’s good. Though the remaining 22% remains unaccounted for, Frodo’s lead is unassailable. Already, lesser deities are conceding to His greater moral authority and considering selling their minority stakes. Zeus is reportedly regretful that he expended so much energy on vengeance. “People look for different qualities in their overlords these days, but on the plus side, now I can focus on my music without having to worry about my worthless subjects.”

Christians are wondering where their God went wrong. After all, Yahweh was for so long a savvy deity, reinventing himself as the zeitgeist required. Like David Bowie, he jumped from being a jealous, embittered Jehovah in the Old Testament, to being a loving, forgiving daddy in the New. Somewhere in the subsequent 2,000 years, however, God clearly dropped the ball. The Archbishop of Canterbury admits that the writing was on the wall as far back as Jesus. “We should’ve recognized something was amiss when God could only show his face to the world through a totally different person. He probably couldn’t handle being genuinely nice. It was all smoke and mirrors.”


Fig. 2, Parenting comes easy to no one

Tired clichés aside, Christians are at odds as to when precisely God lost His dominance in the moral market. Some argue it was the First Crusade, in 1099. Others the Second Crusade. Still others believe it was the Third. A minority believe that God still had some moral authority in the early years of the 13th Century, and it was the slightly less early years of the same century that saw his undoing with the Fourth Crusade. Crusades Fifth through Ninth are not considered to have killed enough innocents to be seriously turpitudinous.

Lest this start to look like a guided tour of Christianity’s foibles through the annals, readers should remember that Frodology has a score to settle. So please, humor us while we examine a few more:

• The Spanish Inquisition (1478-1834, approx. 150,000 killed)
  
• Salem witch trials (1692-3, nineteen innocent witches hanged)
  
• Black Death (1340s, approx. 75 million killed because Christians weren’t praying hard enough)
  

Not all of Jesus’ flock are as quick to abandon their religion as the Archbishop however. In an interesting example of double standards, at least six Christians are demanding to see evidence of Frodology’s claim before ditching their faith, evidence being the one thing they did not require in order to start believing in the first place. When this contradiction was pointed out to the hypocritical half dozen, four withdrew their request, leaving a pair of Christians still unconvinced of Frodo’s moral superiority.

Luckily, Frodologist authorities have an ace up their sleeves. “Ordinarily considered a logical fallacy, the ‘appeal to popularity’ technique was frequently employed by majority Christians to get others to adopt their beliefs. It’s sort of like peer pressure. Now that Frodology is morally on top, we see no reason why they shouldn’t accept our fallacious reasoning.”

Frodology wins bidding war for Hell

Share prices in Frodology and its subsidiaries surged today as the morning broke with the news that the Faith was the victor in a tight bidding war to rent out Hell. At a time when the world’s economy is slowing down, and people are turning to religion for lack of a job, Hell has been running low on souls to stoke its fires.

With alternative energy sources beyond Hell’s budget, the government of Hell began to look around for other options. Discovering that its own R&D was at least ten years behind the Soviet Union, and subsequently discovering that the Soviet Union had been non-existent for the past seventeen years, ministers resolved to do something. Having successfully updated their records and history textbooks, they then resolved to do something else, hopefully more useful this time.

It was then that the shadow Minister for Energy suggested outsourcing. With its ovens underutilized, Hell began looking for a religious partner with high forsaking rates amongst its followers. Thus began a fierce bidding war between Frodology and Christianity. Despite the damning of significant subsections of society, such as homosexuals, Democrats, and unbaptized children, the offer of all these souls was not enough for Hell to seal the deal with Christianity.

A minion of Hell later explained to disappointed Christians that “Hell really isn’t a very nice place. Gays, liberals, and unbaptized babies really deserve better.”

Instead it was Frodology that won the contract, breaking a multi-millennial-long affiliation between Hell and Christianity. Asked if the break would not make potential business partners wary of betrayal, Lucifer explained that it is the nature of business, and a necessary part of staying ahead. “We were wary of Christianity’s increasingly stale image, and wanted a fresh, young, energetic partner to help market our brand.” The Devil also noted that frankly, Hell’s services are unique, and the history of mankind suggests that “people will always be coming here.”

Frodologist authorities are reportedly delighted with the deal. With more and more activities being proscribed by the Faith every month, sinners and potential lost souls were really beginning to pile up. “We couldn’t be sure that those Frodo had damned were actually writhing in torment, and not just, you know, rotting in the ground as inanimate corpses.”


Fig. 1, Sinful Frodologists now have more to look forward to after death

The outcome is generally not good news for Christianity, with God now having to find room for His own forsaken. With the End of Days quickly approaching, God admitted that the loss of the contract “couldn’t have come at a worse time.” Sinners are temporarily being sent to Heaven, which is more or less empty, but the influx of the evil means it is quickly becoming an undesirable destination.


Fig. 2, Sinners are ruining it for everyone

Worried Christians are already considering new faiths that won’t make them go there when they die. “Frodologists go to Hell, and Christians go to Heaven, which is quickly becoming Hell. Maybe I don’t need an afterlife after all,” pondered Joey Smith, 16.

The one good bit of news for Catholics is that they no longer have to tithe to the Church, as Hell’s service charge has been assumed by Frodology as part of the deal. Upon hearing this, a bemused Pope Benedict mused “so that’s what it was for!”

Top Fro'Moes declined to comment on the price paid for the contract, but residents of Hell have reported hearing cooing cries of "my precious" of late.


Fig. 3, The Ring may now be in possession of either the Devil, or Mr. Tumnus

Let's all pray for the economy

Barack Obama’s recent victory in the US presidential elections is arguably all the proof we need that the power of prayer is weak at best. Or it would be if we didn’t think the whole concept of evidence was an atheist sleight of hand, or possibly witchcraft. Accordingly we invite Frodologists to dust off their prayer boots, bow their heads, and pray like holy hell. The recipient of our temporarily flaccid well wishing? The economy.


Fig. 1, It happens with age

It’s no secret that we’re living in troubled times, and as Frodologists, we should be outraged that moor people aren’t asking their respective Almighties for a shot in the fiscal arm. Oh dear, did I say ‘moor’ people? I meant ‘more’ people. How clumsy and misleadingly racist that looks.

Indeed, Christians especially should be more vehemently praying for the economy. God, after all, has to pay child support too. Unfortunately, the courts tend to side with the mother in cases of illegitimate children, even when their mothers spout loony stories about being immaculate virgins. God has since become an outspoken proponent of protected sex, becoming Trojan’s most prolific spokesperson in recent years. In a recent press conference, God deplored the Holy See’s lax attitude to latex. “I can’t understand why the Vatican keeps pushing the abstinence only thing. It’s like they’re not even listening to me!”


Fig. 2, More than a feeling

That the economy needs praying for is not questioned. A major television network has recently toned down the pomposity of one of its most popular game shows, adopting a format more useful to its contestants.



British Prime Minister Gordon Brown is reportedly thrilled that Frodologists will be praying for the economy. He admitted that while the nation was looking to his steady hand to guide them through the worst of the upcoming recession, his interest rate cuts have been more akin to randomly fumbling with dials and levers than sound economic policy. “People forget that it’s Jews who are good with money, not Scots,” he confessed.

While Frodology’s habit of praying for things has been criticized by those more actively inclined, it is in fact perfectly in line with general religious policy. The passive involvement of prayer allows us to claim credit when something goes right, while loudly lambasting people who actually make tangible contributions when they fail or don’t promote a conservative agenda. The recent success of Proposition 8 in California is thus vindication of our prayers, and nothing to do with the fact that west coast bigotry occasionally outweighs voter apathy.

To guarantee the success of our efforts, we are handing out pamphlets actively encouraging the unemployed to pray rather than find new jobs. Not only does it prevent them cluttering up the streets with their unkempt ugliness, it also offer an ethereal waif of hope. Would the masses really wax hopeful if prayer didn’t work?

So put away your Oxford Encyclopedia of Dashed Hopes and Shattered Dreams, and come pray with us today!

Pope Benedict XVI to Star in Hollow Man 3

Fans of the Hollow Man film franchise were surprised today when Columbia Pictures announced it would cast Pope Benedict XVI in the supporting role of the third installment, due to be released next February. Both of them have written letters to the studio protesting the choice as uninspired and predictable. Why Hollow Man 3, they ask? Because apparently Hollow Man 2 came out two years ago, without anybody noticing.

Director Ted Walsh was quick to defend the choice of the Pope. "In the previous two films, we took a very literal approach to the whole idea of being hollow. With this one we want to explore hollowness from a more metaphorical angle". Walsh feels that the audience will be able to relate to the Pope on this level since they are used to his empty promises and the hollow foundations on which his religion is based. "What good is the threat of punishment in the afterlife", he asks, "when most people don't plan to have one?"

A tangle with the producers has however forced Walsh into a compromise with regards to how the Pope will be portrayed. Hesitant to overestimate their audience's intelligence, they have convinced Walsh to portray the pope as actually hollow.



Viewers will of course remember the Pope from his teenage performance in the Hitler Youth. While some moviegoers have expressed concern that the Pope has limited acting experience, Walsh spoke out in support of the choice. "He's done a pretty good job so far convincing tons of Catholics that someone's up there watching their every move, you know, like Santa Claus or something. He almost had me believing my sperm had souls for a while. He's good, you know. Really good". Walsh also voiced his opinion that this role will be a change of pace for the Pope and will help to avoid him being typecast in the grumpy old man role.

Pope Benedict will be playing the role of an elderly, jaded hollow man, as the reluctant mentor to a young, upstart hollow teen, to be played by Shia LeBeouf. At first unwilling to leave retirement, the Pope's character decides to shepherd LeBeouf's as he begins to see what damage hollowness can wreak in untrained hollow hands. Under the Pope's guidance, LeBeouf sees how he can gain the unwitting trust of a solid society for his own personal hollow gratification, without offering them anything in return. Asked whether there was a positive moral to be drawn from the story, Walsh assured reporters that no, there was not. "You might say it's a hollow film".

A spokesman for the Pope said that he was excited to be working alongside LeBeouf, although he was reportedly disappointed to learn that the young actor is now legally an adult. The Pope has also expressed interest in playing the role of Frodo in a potential fourth installment of The Lord of the Rings. "I like the whole patriarchal, savior role," he said yesterday, "but I get tired of this whole Pope gig. It would be nice to play a more believable role. You know, something historical, something important". Asked whether he thought the lack of anything new to bring to the audience would hinder the development of a fourth Rings movie, he joked "it hasn't stopped Catholicism!"

Some Christians are wondering whether casting the Pope in such a flippant role constitutes blasphemy, or at least a cheapening of the Vatican brand. Actor Mel Gibson has however helped to dispel these fears by assuring followers that it's not about slander. "What's important for the faith is that people see me as a Jew-hater. I really do hate them, you know".



Photo of Pope Benedict XVI used under creative commons license, and reproduced and adapted lawfully thereunder. The original author of the photo does not endorse the adaptation in any way. See here for details.

Virgins – just how hard is it for them to give birth?

Part II of the I Believe in Miracles series, or "I don't believe in this one"

Over the past few months, we haven't spent too much time trying to debunk other religions' creation myths and basic tenets because we want to be a positive, constructive influence in the world. Well, besides lambasting all other faiths for their comparative infancy, criticizing Catholicism for being so harmful to the environment, showing how Christians have the wrong end of the stick when it comes to homosexuality (heh), bashing the Vatican for its love of genocide and snobbish elitism, proving conclusively that Jesus has insufficient blood to feed his greedy followers, and arguing forcefully that creationism has got it all wrong when it comes to dinosaurs, it hasn't been too much time at all.

But today we're going to divert from our usual non-confrontational stance and address an issue which has recently come to our attention. Thanks to the crafty infiltration of a Frodologist spy into a service last Sunday, we have learned that Christians believe that Jesus was born of his virgin mother. That probably needs repeating. They think Jesus, a man, popped from the uterus of a woman who had never, ever been in a position to get so much as indecent, let alone pregnant.

Generally of the opinion that only pregnant women give birth to human babies, our trusty team of scientists set off on another mission to discover just how easy it is for a virgin to give birth. To that end, they followed around a group of purity ring-wearing teenagers for a week. Following a minute misunderstanding with the police and a hairy overnight stint in jail, their first discovery was that it's probably a good idea to ask someone's permission before following children around with binoculars and a camera. Undeterred, they felt triumphant when one of the chaste little teens did fall pregnant. If it really is so easy, what's so great about Jesus?

Disappointment then struck our heroic team when one scientist stumbled across the Wikipedia entry for purity rings and discovered that they are in fact just fashion accessories which could only be worn with less sincerity had they come from a cereal box. No immaculate conception, no miracle baby, and more to the point, no virgin.

The team then surmised that there were two possible conclusions. First, Mary was a virgin and thus there was no Jesus. While we're absolutely titillated by the track that train of thought could lead us down, we must admit the second possible outcome has equal merit. That is that Mary was more seasoned than the Gospels would have us believe. Perhaps she had an acquaintance in the Nazareth Postal Service. Maybe her name wasn't even Mary, but Mary the Harlot. Regardless, if Christians want to believe she gave birth, they have a hard truth to swallow.


Scientists suspect the culprit looked something like this... a 90s computer mouse

Immaculate conception, really? You know what would be more immaculate? Fertilization. Some Christians argue that it's a metaphor. That's right. A metaphor for a load of crap. Plus it sort of defeats the purpose of a metaphor when you proceed to take all of the conclusions that follow as literal fact. Obviously back when the Bible was scrabbled together from bits of irrelevant folkore and the inside cover of the Lonely Planet guide to Tel Aviv, sex education was somewhat lacking. Perhaps people thought virgin births were possible then. But since that time we've learned to wear sunscreen to prevent skin cancer and to run away from volcanoes when the island gods get angry. I feel like there's scope for improvement in the whole virgin birth department.

There is of course a third solution. Once again, it could have been a miracle.

But that's total bull: everyone knows only hobbits can immaculately conceive.

Frodassic Park

Dinosaurs have long been a sticking point for creationists ever since they entered stage left in the 19th Century and started taking Victorian logic for a joy ride. It’s been wildly entertaining watching Christians pour through the Bible ever since, trying to account for how these petrified skeletons could have ended up on Earth when, as everyone knows, the planet is no more than 10,000 years old.

Here is a selection of a few favorite chestnuts:

• Since God created every creature on the 6th day, He must have created Dinosaurs that day too. He was just a little preoccupied when he wrote it all down later and neglected to tell anyone about it.
  
• Before Adam & Eve’s little transgression, all animals were vegetarian and none died, making the choice of claws and sharp, pointy teeth purely an aesthetic one.
  
• Two of every kind of dinosaur found their way onto Noah’s Ark, having presumably discovered a way to improve the vessel’s buoyancy first.
  
• Having survived the flood, they sort of just, well, died out, in a manner much more precise and conclusive than that suggested by evolutionists. One possible candidate behind the extinction is hunting by man, despite the fact that the latter had just been decimated by unseasonal floodtides too, and presumably wouldn’t have risked the survival of their own species by hunting creatures with 12 inch-long teeth.

Feel free to check the accuracy of these summations at answersingenesis.org. Incidentally, if all the answers are in Genesis, presumably that makes the rest of the Bible redundant.

Frodology does not take this route. We do not attempt to squeeze a whole epoch of capricious, prickly reptiles into the pages of a book where they have no wish to be. It would be like trying to make a monkey wear a hat that’s too small. As nice as it might look, it just wouldn’t fit. The fact is that Frodo spent his time on Earth with some pretty crazy looking creatures, but we can’t conscionably call any of them dinosaurs.

Instead, what Frodologist scientists have realized is that dinosaurs are actually totally fake. Indeed, early classifiers must have agreed, as ‘dinosaur’ is Latin for ‘just a pile of bones’. Their sudden appearance in skeletal form in the 1820s seems just a little transparent. Have you ever noticed how the combination of an alligator, a giraffe, a rhino, and something with a really long tail looks kind of like a dinosaur?


Looks kind of like a dinosaur

Paleontology isn’t even a genuine discipline, as it was invented by Joseph Smith in the middle of the 19th Century following the issue of a warrant for his arrest for fraud. At that juncture in his life, Smith was between cons and beginning to despair of ever parting thousands of gullible people from their cash. He initially coined the word ‘paleontology’ to cash in on the dinosaur craze, but later abandoned it to focus on starting Mormonism, as even he felt that the deceit was a little insidious.

But no one can get away with such an ambitious hoax indefinitely. In the end, it was the Victorian appetite for the ridiculous that gave the game away to our team of scientists. In an era where all walks of life readily swallowed ideas as preposterous as cure-all elixirs, Dracula, socialism and penicillin, is it any surprise that dinosaurs were readily accepted as plausible? Of course all of those ideas are totally preposterous by modern standards, dinosaurs included. Even the names are a bit loopy. Stegosaurus? Sounds like a plastic toy. Velociraptor? Yeah, it's fast, we get it. The same goes for the megalosaurus, tyrannosaurus, and thesaurus. If those wily tricksters had set the bar of credulity just a little lower, we might still count ourselves amongst the duped.

I just thought you should know.

Jesus - out of blood by now?

Part I of the I Believe in Miracles series

Frodologist scientists inadvertently made great inroads into explaining the Christian faith today. Long puzzled by the sustainability of Christian hematophagy, the team first began by searching for hidden blood reserves. When this proved fruitless, they then followed up reports that the statue of Christ the Redeemer in Rio de Janeiro was actually a massive vessel of the vintage red stuff. At first discounting the theory as ridiculous, since the statue clearly wasn’t a ship, they then discovered a second meaning of the word, and set off for Brazil.

The team began to search for a giant tap, dubbed the ‘holy spigot’, which they hypothesized would be used to access the holy blood. When no tap could be found, however, the theory was abandoned for the much more logical conclusion that Jesus is permanently attached to a blood transfusion machine. Red Cross confidentiality being what it is, the scientists were at a loss as to how to begin the search.

It was then that the breakthrough occurred. The team went back to basics and began crunching numbers. They reasoned that the average human adult has approximately 5 L of blood in their system at a given time. Discovering then that each communion sip measures in at around 10 mL, they concluded that Jesus would be completely drained of blood within just 500 sips. Even with a robust immune system and healthy bone marrow, they found it would be impossible to replenish the requisite amount in the weekly ten minute orgiastic bloodletting that is a Catholic communion. Even with a small congregation, Jesus would struggle to feed it all before becoming a useless fleshy sack of bones. And that’s ignoring the thousands of years for which Catholics have practiced the art of vampirism.

Some Catholics argue that Jesus isn’t exsanguinated on a weekly basis because wine is simply transformed into blood before each communion. But that seems strange. Grape DNA hasn’t been irradiated into human DNA since that episode of The Simpsons that never got made because the plot was too absurd.

This track of reasoning has led the team of Frodologist scientists to an uncomfortable conclusion. Since Jesus’ seemingly inexhaustible supply of blood is inexplicable by science, it is clearly the result of a miracle. As an alternative to science, miracles of course benefit from enormous explanatory power. They can tie a premise to any conceivable conclusion without the tedium of scientific investigation, and best of all, are unassailable by critics. Anything seen as preposterous by science is much more easily swallowed when it becomes a miracle.

This inadvertent discovery thus bolstered Christianity’s hold on humanity. There are however two positive outcomes for Frodology in all this. First, through harnessing the efficacy of miracles, the team was able to reanimate the petrified corpse of Frodo’s pet ferret, Mungo, from orange peels and old newspapers. The scientists offered their thanks to Frodo that miracles are so egalitarian and non-discriminatory in their performances.

The second outcome is that, thanks to the abovementioned miracle, Catholics really are gorging themselves on blood every Sunday. The unavoidable conclusion is that, having supped from the blood of Christ, the original poster child for the resurrected undead, all Catholics have forsaken their bodies and souls to join Jesus’ burgeoning army of vampires. This makes them fair game for silver bullets and sharpened stakes wherever they’re found. In response to the study, Alan Greenspan recommended garlic to futures traders as a sound investment this quarter.

Frodologists Move to Block Translation of The Lord of the Rings

Today broke with the news that Frodo’s Minions on Earth are considering legal action to stop the proposed translation of The Lord of the Rings from Elvish into any other language. The action is in response to increasing clamors from the unwashed masses to make The Book more accessible, since, they argue, fewer and fewer people speak Elvish. Following only weeks after the colossal box office failure of the Elvish-language only The Passion of the Frodo, many see this as a petty response by The Faith’s leaders to reassert Frodology as relevant in the post-industrial age.

The news comes as a particular surprise to legions of fans who think they have read Tolkien’s magnum opus in English and other base languages. When questioned, however, at least half of these feigned confusion and then remembered that they had only seen the movies. When pushed further, it was revealed that the average respondent was unaware that his rack of DVDs was not a bookshelf. This is arguably evidence that, despite Bush administration propaganda to the contrary, one or more children may have been left behind.

Literate fans who think they have read The Book have unfortunately been duped, since no authorized translations exist, ISBN numbers notwithstanding. Frodologist investigators believe the illicit copies to be the work of warring Somali clans, who are abandoning piracy on the high seas in droves to cash in on the much more profitable Frodo paraphernalia market which has emerged in the wake of Frodology’s march across the globe.

Frodology leaders oppose the translation efforts since Elvish has always been the true language of Frodo, despite the fact that he did not speak it, did not respect it, and is believed by some sources to have been persecuted by the Elves. Some ex-Frodologists call this ‘co-opting’ a Messiah. We call that heresy, and we don’t recommend it.

The danger in reading illicit translations is of course that Frodo’s followers need proper guidance. Through reading the source material for themselves, they might inadvertently take different interpretations and draw the wrong conclusions. We would like to remind readers that where there is scope for being wrong, it is wisest for their souls and their more corporeal selves to simply abide by the divine shepherding of Frodo’s unelected Minions on Earth. With heresy at an all time high, a low profile is quickly becoming the season’s must have accessory.

There is a second danger in reading unauthorized translations that Frodologists should be aware of. Due to a peculiar loophole in the law, that is, all laws, everywhere, reading an illegal version is a more serious crime than publishing and profiting from one. The gravity accorded to the crime is clearly a result of widespread recognition of the importance of Frodo’s word remaining exclusively in Elvish. Frodologist leaders were heard to thank Hollywood for setting a precedent by spearheading the effort to catch, fine, and imprison the purveyors of pirated films, rather than bother with the colonies of midgets responsible for producing them.

So-called Frodologists in support of authorized translations have already been excommunicated from the church and branded with ‘communist’ on their foreheads. Frodologist leaders feel these measures are justified and would not characterize them as ‘heavy-handed’. ‘Middle’ or ‘not so bad-handed’ maybe, but certainly not 'heavy' or any of its derivatives. Said leaders assured Frodologists that it was for the integrity of The Faith. They cannot envision it occasioning any sort of split, and are totally unaware of any precedent that would point to the contrary.

Breaking – Gondor breaks ceasefire putting brakes on peace talks while Mordor troops on break

The world was shocked today when echelons of Gondor light infantry crossed the Mordor border and skirmished with bands of orcs, constituting a death knell for the peace process. They also exchanged fire with bands of brothers, but Steven Spielberg was not available for comment. Gondor’s aggression came as a surprise despite the fact that this conflict has protracted for several millennia now, and frankly, there are few atrocities left to commit. But since mainstream media still laps it up like an errant Jackson nipple, so will we.

A fair amount of the surprise can be attributed to learning that Gondor and Mordor are real places. Actors filming the upcoming movie The Hobbit were reportedly shaken to discover they weren’t actually on a film set at all. That’s right, they’re real places. Remember Kosovo? Had to look for that on a map didn’t you? But you did find it. Because it exists. And how insulted did the Kosovars feel when no one had even heard of them? Pretty friggin’ awful. And would you really wish that same feeling of worthless irrelevance upon other ethnic minorities? Would you? No, you wouldn’t. The smart thing to do would just be to take my word as gospel, leave your atlas on the shelf, and read on.

This latest chapter in the Middle Earth conflict is a sad one. A sad chapter in a many-volume series of large, sad tomes full of many similarly sad chapters, some of them long, some short, but all of them sad. Very very sad. Honestly, the roots of the conflict are totally irrelevant but people like to pretend otherwise, because they’re based in religion. Other religions. And people seem to think that matters.

What it boils down to is a dispute over sovereignty of the land between Gondor and Mordor. While Gondorians traditionally identify it as their home land, many recognized it for the worthless patch of dirt it is and moved further afield to more fertile pastures. Suffering from the highest population density in Middle Earth, Mordor orcs in search of a bit of lebensraum simply moved in. At this, thousands of Gondorians very sensibly left their hugely affluent lives in safer parts of the world to put themselves in obvious danger. For the worthless patch of dirt. The chief export of which is olives. And chickpeas. There’s a lot of money in chickpeas.

The situation has since progressed into an acerbic slugging match. Gondor denies that Mordor is a state, a claim taken as a personal insult by Sauron, heard frequently to professes “l'État, c'est moi”, predating Louis XIV by at least six millennia. In return, orc youths are frequently seen sharing racial slurs. “Gondor? More like Gaydor!” Education in Mordor is found wanting. The situation is further complicated by what is frequently seen as meddling by Rohan, the world’s sole superpower. Rohan’s Middle-Earth Agenda for Peace, or Ro’MAP, is not widely welcomed. Residents of the region are suspicious that Rohan is only interested in sapping its minerals and eating its babies.

Of course what neither party appreciates is that the true beneficiaries of the land are we, the followers of Frodo. The fact that few Frodologists live in the disputed region in no way diminishes our claim to it; we simply want to stay out of harm’s way and cross our fingers it will all work out for the best. Following one or two crusade-related misunderstandings by some of Frodo’s more fervent opportunists, it’s sort of a bad neighborhood for us to be in right now.

Since the conflict invariably only flares up when no one is paying it any attention, the months ahead should prove tense as the world’s media willfully ignores everything but the US elections.