The Lord of the Rings (Abridged), Book III

	The hobbits arrive in Mordor. It’s nothing like what they were shown on the pamphlet, and much of it isn’t even built yet. Frodo and Sam are disappointed, and the tension threatens to cleave their friendship in two.
Sam	You promised me a beautiful honeymoon, and look where we are! Stinking marshes, bleak mountains, no wildlife, and countless English pubs full of shaven heads and football shirts. We might as well have stayed at home.
Frodo	The ‘Cock and Lion’ looks alright.
Sam	No! I’m sleeping outside tonight.
	Orcs cross the River Anduin into Gondor under the cover of night to sack Osgiliath.

"Is anyone actually in charge here?"

	Gandalf and Merry arrive in Gondor. Gandalf and Pippin. Merry. They prepare to defend Minas Tirith against an attack from Sauron’s ugliest army yet. They watch from the walls as legions of orcs approach.
Gondor Soldier #1	I say, William, they’ve got nothing on us. Look at our armor: shiny and lovely. Perfect spiffing gentlemen we are. And look at them. Disgusting!
Soldier #2	Mmm, quite.
	Meanwhile, Theoden and his army depart from Rohan. Desperate to fight, Merry is almost left behind, but is brought along at the last minute by some broad on a horse. Sorry, I meant Pippin.
Pippin	I have a pointy sword.
Broad on horse	I know, I wish you weren’t sitting behind me.
	Even more meanwhile, Aragorn, Gimli and Legolas are traipsing around some caves looking for a narrative device that will deliver Minas Tirith from certain doom with a swift blow of deus ex machina. They find it in an army of invincible ghost soldiers. Yep, first I'd heard of it too.
Ghost King	How do I know you’re not going to use us as a cop out by having us defeat all of Sauron’s armies, rather than just the handful or orcs running around outside Minas Tirith?
Aragorn	Don’t worry, there’s this convenient back story which means I’ll have to release you from your servitude after you liberate Minas Tirith, but before we go and attack Mordor proper. It’ll seem like a silly thing to do, but I didn’t write this.
	Orcs attacking Minas Tirith are slaughtered by ghost army.
Soldier #1	Look, William, didn’t even get my armor dirty. Don’t you think I look dashing with this flushed complexion and heavy breathing?
Soldier #2	Mmm, yes.
	Gollum tricks Frodo into thinking that Sam has been eating all their food. Frodo abandons Sam and decides to destroy the Ring by himself, which is funny, because so far Frodo hasn’t been able to do anything by himself. Usefully, Sam sits down and cries it out. Gollum leads Frodo into a dark cave…
Frodo	You know Gollum, I really am glad I trusted you. You’re a good friend…
Gollum	[Hiding, with echoing voice] Yes, hobbit…. [Laughs]
Frodo	Gollum? Gollum?! Where are you?
	Frodo is stung by a giant spider. Had he not immediately become paralyzed, he would have said this…
Frodo	At least Gollum had nothing to do with this.
	Tear ducts empty, Sam decides he’s not a little weenie after all and goes to help Frodo. Thinking Frodo is dead, he manages to remove the Ring from Frodo right before a band of orcs find him and carry his inert body away. In hiding, Sam overhears them discussing the fact that Frodo is still alive. Lucky they were discussing this in English, a language that Sam understood, and not their own native Mordor tongue, which Sam couldn’t speak. Yes, very lucky. Sam rescues Frodo.
Frodo	Thanks for rescuing me Sam! Shame the orcs got the Ring. I was really looking forward to hiking up Mount Doom, avoiding all of those orcs, chucking it into the fire, and not making it out alive. Oh well, guess we’d better head back to the Shire.
Sam	Not so fast! I have the Ring! I took when I thought you were dead.
Frodo	Oh… Yay. Great job. Woo. Now we get to go to Mount Doom. I was so worried there for a minute, you know, that we wouldn’t get to, because the Ring was gone. Awesome.
	Aware that there hasn’t been an epic battle seen for at least five minutes, Aragorn decides to attack Mordor with his vastly inferior forces.
Aragorn	Today we fight for Frodo!
All	For Frodo!
Legolas	Frododo!
	Meanwhile, Frodo and Sam approach Mount Doom.
Frodo	I wonder where Gollum is.
	Gollum appears from behind a boulder and throws a stone at Sam’s head.
Frodo	Oh, there he is.
	Frodo runs up the slope and into Mount Doom to destroy the Ring.
Gollum	No, Master Hobbit! Give it to me! Don’t destroy the Precious!
Frodo	Look, Gollum, I’ve trusted you so far because you’ve never given me reason to do otherwise. But I really think this is something that needs to happen.
Gollum	[Jumps on Frodo’s back, bites his finger off and steals the Ring] Ah ha! It’s mine! The Precious!
Frodo	What’s this? Betrayal? What are the odds?!
	Gollum falls in the fires of Mount Doom, destroying the Ring. Mordor sort of implodes. Sam and Frodo chill on a rock in the middle of a stream of lava awaiting rescue.

"That went well."

Sam	You know who else had a gay name?
Frodo	Hmm?
Sam	Tom Bombadil.
Frodo	Oh yeah, I forgot about that guy. You know who I miss?
Sam	Who?
Frodo	Gollum. He had a good heart.
	A group of giant eagles rescue Frodo and Sam, who are at this point too tired to note that these birds might have come in handy earlier. Aragorn is crowned King of Gondor.

"Maybe I'll let them vote one day... Nah."

	The hobbits return to the Shire to find that Saruman has escaped from Isengard to enslave the Shire. Chronic voter apathy among hobbits means that most haven't even noticed.
Sam	I don't remember this part.
Frodo	Yeah, it surprised me too. Say, good woman, what news of Hobbiton?
Hobbit woman	What? Who are you? Oh yeah... you're them four 'obbits what went off adventuring, leavin' us 'ere to our own devices. But I thought ya was all male, if ye know what I'm sayin'.

	The hobbits foster an uprising against Saruman and his lunatic policy of 'industrialization'. Saruman is betrayed and killed by Wormtongue, who is in turn slain by archers working for Al Gore.
Archer	What an inconvenient poof.
	Frodo and Sam consummate their friendship, and by that I mean their friendship is consummate. Frodo tires of his mortal life and sails west into the Undying Lands. Presumably that means a land where people are undying, since lands don't really die, and that would just be redundant. I guess it could just be called 'Lands'. The Shire returns to normal and never industrializes thanks to vast oil reserves discovered under local hobbits' fields. It remains largely unchanged to this day. That is to say, Heaven.

The Lord of the Rings (Abridged), Book II

(Further) Dramatis Personae
Eowyn	Largely unimportant filler character who falls in love with Aragorn, then settles for....
Faramir	Brother of Boromir, ranger of Gondor and casual philatelist
Eomer	Brother of Eowyn, used to fighting hordes of orcs but unable to fight his way into the abridged script
Polymer	A high tensile plastic
Wormtongue	Nickname of former Secretary of State of Florida, Katherine Harris

In case you missed it, the story began with Book I. Last we saw, Frodo and Sam were boldly setting off in the direction of Mordor to destroy the Ring; Merry and Pippin were captured by orcs who'd yet to discover that, just like Chinese people, all hobbits look the same; and Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli took in the sights of beautiful North Gondor before setting out to rescue the Olsen hobbits.

Aragorn	The orcs are two days ahead. We have a hard trek ahead of us.
Gimli	OMFG! Why didn’t we just leave when I said we should? And why didn’t we bring our horses?
Legolas	Peshffsdff fuddd
Gimli	What?
Legolas	Peshhenf duff
Gimli	Seriously… what?
Legolas	[Rubbing his jaw] Patience, dwarf. Sorry, it’s been weeks since I last spoke.
	Aragorn, Gimli and Legolas pursue the orcs, who are butchered by the Celts men of Rohan. Merry and Pippin manage to escape the orcs during the attack, hide in a nearby forest, and encounter some ents, basically walking talking trees. It’s as dull as it sounds, so we’re going to skip that bit.
Aragorn	[Staring at pile of dead orcs] Bummer. Looks like those Rohan dudes got Merry and Pippin too. Maybe we should have stayed with Frodo and Sam like Gandalf told us to in the first place and not wasted all that time.
Gandalf	Yo. Not dead. Hobbits alive too. With ents.
Gimli	Ents?
Gandalf	Walking talking trees.
Gimli	Sounds kind of gay.
Gandalf	Yeah. Pretty boring. Going to Rohan to get help from King. Come with?
Gimli	Fo sho.
	Theoden, King of Rohan under some sort of spell cast by Saruman. Gandalf breaks it.
Gandalf	That’s two strikes, Saruman.
Aragorn	I don’t think he can hear you.
Theoden	Good to be back. What’s shaking?
Gandalf	Orcs. Attacking. Must go to fortress. Helm’s Deep. Hide.
Theoden	Are you sure? It’s awfully drafty this time of year.
	All of Rohan travels to Helm’s Deep under edict of Gandalf. Gandalf meanwhile goes off to look for help.
Serf #1	Great, now we have two kings.
Serf #2	Those pamphlets of yours really aren’t working.
Serf #1	Well maybe if you helped out once in a while.
Serf #2	Easy for you to say! I’ve got a mortgage and six kids to raise on a government pension. You’re still living at home.
Serf #1	It makes sense for me financially.
Serf #2	No one who still lives with his parents has ever been elected president of anything.
Serf #1	Shut up! I’m going to get my own place, it’s just not the right time.
Serf #2	The ‘right time’? It’s never the right time with you. You’re pathetic.
Serf #1	Ugh. You’re just. Gah. You don’t understand. It’s not. Grr. I hate you.
	On the way to Helm's Deep, the groups fights off an attack by orcs and Aragorn fights off sexual advances from a minor character.

"M'lady, I cannot lie... you'd be my Plan B."

	Saruman’s orcs attack Helm’s Deep. Their crude weapons are no match for thick stone walls.
Theoden	This is going well.
	A wall explodes in a cacophonous boom.
Captain	Looks like Saruman’s invented gunpowder.
Theoden	What did you say?
Captain	I said it looks like Saruman has invented gunpowder.
Theoden	What’s gunpowder?
Captain	I don’t know, but it clearly makes big explosions.
Theoden	Well why did you call it that?
Captain	Because that’s what it’s called.
Theoden	Why isn’t it just called ‘explosive powder’?
Captain	I don’t know. It’s just called ‘gunpowder’.
Theoden	But what’s a gun?
Captain	I… I, I don’t know. [Stammers]
Theoden	It just seems like a strange thing to say. ‘Gunpowder’. Hmm.
	Things go poorly until Gandalf turns up in the nick of time and wipes out the orcs.
Gandalf	Strike three, Saruman.
	Gandalf, Aragorn, Gimli, Legolas, Theoden and his army go to Isengard, home of Saruman to register a complaint. They arrive to discover that the ents, under encouragement of Merry and Pippin, have destroyed it, bankrupting Saruman Industries Inc. Theoden’s plans to sue Saruman for damages are abandoned for wont of assets sufficient to settle the claim. Meanwhile, Frodo and Sam are trekking through hostile country on the way to Mordor when they discover an unlikely creature.
Gollum	Surprise! Give me my ring back, hobbits!
Frodo	Oh, it’s you. When he said ‘unlikely creature’ I was hoping it would be… well, nevermind.[Hastily rolls up a magazine and puts it back in his bag]
Sam	I think we should put a rope around this fella. I don’t trust him.
Frodo	He’ll be fine. You should really have more faith in people, Sam.
	Gollum betrays them.
Sam	Can I put a leash on him now?
Frodo	I suppose, but you should really learn to be more forgiving and trusting, Sam.
	Gollum agrees to lead them to Mordor, mostly because he doesn't have a choice. We call this 'duress', and while it might make you feel big, it just makes you a bully. No one likes a bully.
	Meanwhile, the hobbits are waylayed by Faramir.
Faramir	Ah, the Ringbearer. You must give it to me, Frodo. The Ring is a gift to Gondor.
Frodo	It won't be if you steal it.
Faramir	Give it to me! Gondor will use the Ring as a great weapon against Mordor.
Frodo	But how will you use it?
Faramir	Well, um, I guess I'll put it on, and um, go invisible, and then... maybe if... I, I haven't really thought this through.
Frodo	And that's why you're a minor character. Later, Fillermir.
Sam	Nice leather bodice, jerk. [Aside to Faramir] I'm so sorry, I totally didn't mean that, it actually looks super. [Winks at Faramir]

"I like it too, milord"

	Gollum leads Frodo and Sam away from Gondor into Mordor. He makes a plan to retrieve the Ring from Frodo
Gollum	[To himself] The hobbits have the precious, and they want to destroy it! But we can't lets them, can we precious? No, no we can't. Even if hobbits are good to us. No, we must take them to Her... yes, She will deal with them...
Frodo	Gollum! Could you please keep it down? I'm trying to convince Sam to trust you and I can barely hear myself think.
	Our story ends here. Temporarily. There's another whole book. I know, can you believe it? Check back soon for Book III!

Are you afraid of scaremongering headlines? Research suggests you should be

It’s widely accepted in the world of media that panic is always a safer choice than skepticism, because what if you’re wrong? If news outlets took the time to check the veracity of a threat before broadcasting it to the unsuspecting masses, we would lose twenty-four valuable seconds to prepare for each threat, or approximately the time it takes for the average American to eat a steak.

This is why purveyors of the quality alarmist media are safer on average than their better educated, thinner, and predominantly East Coast compatriots. It’s only because informed citizens are aware of the full range of threats that they can sit down and enjoy their breakfasts and their Us magazine. Indeed, skeptical viewers must spend so much time verifying whether looking at your own penis makes you gay that they don’t have time for Us, or for InStyle, or even for People. Would you want to live in a world where you didn’t know about celebrity obesity?

Few prudent Americans would deny that the minuscule chance that bees don’t carry HIV doesn’t mean it’s not worth buying your entire family hazmat suits. Nor can anyone contest that Y2K bugs are only getting worse each year. Before the Y2K08 bug, cats were universally known as man’s best friend. But look at them now! Despicable, ungrateful creatures, hardly deserving of the name ‘pet’. Scientists expect the Y2K09 bug will make your child more promiscuous. In a world where bees carry HIV, is this really something you’d want?

Statistics show that that people least likely to be frightened by scaremongering headlines are the skeptics, a category of people renowned for watching DVD box sets of cancelled 90s TV shows in the basement, like The X-Files, Farscape, and Designing Women. In addition, research indicates that the implausibility of a threat becomes less important the more people dwell on it. If videogames weren’t going to make kids violent by themselves, then by God, good parents were going to manipulate the evidence to make it look that way, because people needed to know!

Anchors resent allegations that their niche news outlets serve corporate or political interests. In one much publicized case, a popular station risked outcry when it warned viewers that homosexuality may be linked to not eating enough red meat. Unfortunately, ninety-six percent of over the counter heartburn medicine is made by companies whose CEOs are rampantly and dangerously gay, so either way, they win! It wasn’t cheery, feel good news, but damn it, they did their journalistic duty and reported it.

Skeptics, of course, don’t want us to be frightened by headlines. They seem to forget that the world is, by its Christian nature, a scary place. They want to be comforted and coddled, and told everything is going to be ok. And then they have the gall to turn around and reject Jesus and the comfort he brings Americans, who need him for protection from the evils of the world. Nor should we forget the economic realities under which the alarmist media must operate. Those responsible for warning the public about incredible threats would go out of business if we ignored them, and who would warn us then? 

So next time you drink a glass of water and marvel that it hasn’t been fluoridated by the Soviets, just remember who told you.

Religious beliefs protected by secret forcefield

Researchers at the University of Chicago reported today their findings that religious beliefs are protected by a secret forcefield. The discovery is a breakthrough as it goes a long way to explaining a question which has consistently troubled academics. Political views, culinary trends, African American baby names, and musical preferences are all considered by most to be debatable and dissectible in the public forum. Whence the invulnerability of religious dogma?

The Force be with you

How the defense mechanism was discovered is currently the question most frequently fielded by the team. The breakthrough occurred during a debate hosted by Temple University on the matter of evolution v. intelligent design. When, halfway through the debate, the representative for evolution asked “how do you explain the fact that vestigial leg bones in whales clearly show the gradual loss of posterior limbs across the fossil record, in favor of fins more suited for submarine locomotion?”, his opposite number exclaimed “spatula!” and began to whistle the theme from NBC’s Cheers. Spectators described seeing a green flash, and then reported a cozy sensation as they unanimously accepted his rebuttal.

The nature of the forcefield is hard to fathom by those who have not experienced it. Protected individuals describe it as a warm, fuzzy feeling of self-righteousness, not unlike being drunk. Long term forcefield enthusiast Janet Gates described it as far preferable to being without a field. “Once you’re protected, you no longer have to think for yourself. We all just sort of hold hands and pray, knowing nothing can ever harm us”.

The researchers were also quick to warn that they suspect the forcefield to be deflective, in that the energy of an assault on it can bounce off in any direction at all. Singed Danish ambassadors have remarked that they were surprised that lighthearted jokes which they didn't even make ricocheted off the forcefield and burned down their embassies.

Strength in numbers

Interestingly, the strength of the forcefield seems to depend proportionally on the popularity of the belief. Thus, claiming over 33% of the world’s population for itself, Christianity enjoys a forcefield 63% stronger than that of Islam, which represents only 20.3%. While a Mormon spokesman argued today that their forcefield was strengthening faster than any other religion, this view has been derided by the University’s team. The team’s leader, Professor Jeffrey Spencer, qualified the findings by saying that:

“About 97% of the Mormon growth rate is attributable to extreme levels of breeding within the faith, known as hyperprogenization. Two percent of converted Mormons are thought to be barnyard animals, and there is a one percent margin of error. Since converted followers comprise only zero percent, we can conclude that Mormon views are not at all popular. Relying on that 97% to strengthen your defenses is like raising yourself by your own bootstraps”.

He concluded by saying that Mormon beliefs are thus completely open for ridicule. “It’s like a turkey shoot”.

A force to be reckoned with

The discovery of the forcefield could be just the answer for politicians trying to shore up their credibility. A junior senator from Texas has admitted that the Republican Party is considering adopting heraldry and arcane rituals to increase the chances of it surviving after imminent defeat on Election Day. But junior senators anxious about this strategy are resorting to proliferating ‘In God We Trust’ wall hangings around the Capitol by way of extra insurance.


A believer demonstrating the forcefield

Frodo is reportedly pleased with the discovery. Having lost His invisibility after destroying the Ring of Power, He has had to make do with His own wits and rhetorical skills. But the prospect of invincibility is tantalizing, and He believes it will go great with His magical elvish cloak.

Satellite finds end of space

Frodologists have been forced to re-examine their world view following some recent developments from above. In a mission designed to explore space beyond our solar system, NASA launched a satellite, named "Are We Still Calling Them Voyager or Explorer or What?", from its facility in Cape Canaveral three years ago.

It became apparent a few days ago, however, that the mission had come to an end much earlier than expected. Following a large crashing noise and a sudden deceleration of the satellite from 840,000 mph to zero, it is believed that the AWSCTVEW has reached the end of the universe. NASA scientists were reported to be "surprised" that the satellite had accomplished its task so quickly. That there is an end of the universe, and that it seems to be demarcated by some sort of big wall, was described as "an interesting development".

A big wall

Scientists are turning to reels of data to try and determine exactly what happened. A source inside NASA leaked that the last communication from the satellite exclaimed that "everything's starting to look pretty samey". The satellite then began to whistle "The Long and Winding Road" up until the crash. Engineers at mission control are thoroughly perplexed by this, since they had believed it to be an unmanned mission. The team responsible for on board electronics responded to queries by admitting that they had outsourced the job to Bangalore, but maintain that they are shocked by the choice to swap the computer out for a human being.

The satellite has been out of contact since it arrived at the big wall. The location of the wall is especially surprising for scientists since it appears to be situated in space, an area of the universe previously thought to be empty of walls. NASA has released an artist’s impression of the celestial obstruction.


NASA was reportedly impressed with the quality of masonry

Not everyone believes the wall to be the end of space. Starbucks CEO Jim Foley noted that it could easily be one of their franchises. “We’ve got new branches opening pretty much everywhere”. While he didn’t have the details at hand, he said that opening a new branch beyond the Oort Cloud would be “entirely commensurate” with their corporate strategy.

Rethinking dogma

The implications for Frodologists are far reaching. That the satellite got so far is clear indication that the universe is actually larger than we believed. Indeed, it now seems undeniable that space stretches beyond Mars, at the very least. However, we see no reason to question the principle that the world is flat as the mission offers no compelling evidence otherwise.

Frodology is not the only religion rethinking its place in the new zeitgeist. A Vatican spokesman said “It’s like a party in here at the moment. Scientists have been telling us for centuries that the universe is infinite and chances are we’re not at the center of it. But now they find this wall! We’re elated. Benny’s been breaking out all these old maps with the sun revolving around the Earth. Venus is there too. It’s great. Oh and we’ve already put a copy of The Truman Show in the mail to NASA. Psych!”

NASA scientists are already discussing a new mission to send a satellite with a chisel and hammer to the wall to break a hole in it and see what’s on the other side. Religious leaders around the globe are unanimously against the proposal, the unspoken reason being a belief that their god or gods are probably resident behind the wall. A Frodlogist leader had this to say:

“We’re fairly confident that Frodo is behind that wall, but we are completely against the mission to knock a hole in it. It would be like breaking into the teacher’s lounge. I think Frodo would be pretty cheesed off if we tried”.

Wall of sound

Among those to subscribe to NASA’s email updates on the wall is Roger Waters, formerly of Pink Floyd, who has expressed interest in using the wall for a gig “within the next year or two”. He may have difficulty, however, since slaves in Bono's Kilkenny sweatshop are already churning out "Don't Exploit the Wall" t-shirts. Teaming up with the Irish rocker is Bob Geldof. While talk of Wall-Aid is rife in the blogosphere, Geldof has denied interest, admitting that he wants to spend more time in the studio thinking of ludicrous names for his children.

Virgins – just how hard is it for them to give birth?

Part II of the I Believe in Miracles series, or "I don't believe in this one"

Over the past few months, we haven't spent too much time trying to debunk other religions' creation myths and basic tenets because we want to be a positive, constructive influence in the world. Well, besides lambasting all other faiths for their comparative infancy, criticizing Catholicism for being so harmful to the environment, showing how Christians have the wrong end of the stick when it comes to homosexuality (heh), bashing the Vatican for its love of genocide and snobbish elitism, proving conclusively that Jesus has insufficient blood to feed his greedy followers, and arguing forcefully that creationism has got it all wrong when it comes to dinosaurs, it hasn't been too much time at all.

But today we're going to divert from our usual non-confrontational stance and address an issue which has recently come to our attention. Thanks to the crafty infiltration of a Frodologist spy into a service last Sunday, we have learned that Christians believe that Jesus was born of his virgin mother. That probably needs repeating. They think Jesus, a man, popped from the uterus of a woman who had never, ever been in a position to get so much as indecent, let alone pregnant.

Generally of the opinion that only pregnant women give birth to human babies, our trusty team of scientists set off on another mission to discover just how easy it is for a virgin to give birth. To that end, they followed around a group of purity ring-wearing teenagers for a week. Following a minute misunderstanding with the police and a hairy overnight stint in jail, their first discovery was that it's probably a good idea to ask someone's permission before following children around with binoculars and a camera. Undeterred, they felt triumphant when one of the chaste little teens did fall pregnant. If it really is so easy, what's so great about Jesus?

Disappointment then struck our heroic team when one scientist stumbled across the Wikipedia entry for purity rings and discovered that they are in fact just fashion accessories which could only be worn with less sincerity had they come from a cereal box. No immaculate conception, no miracle baby, and more to the point, no virgin.

The team then surmised that there were two possible conclusions. First, Mary was a virgin and thus there was no Jesus. While we're absolutely titillated by the track that train of thought could lead us down, we must admit the second possible outcome has equal merit. That is that Mary was more seasoned than the Gospels would have us believe. Perhaps she had an acquaintance in the Nazareth Postal Service. Maybe her name wasn't even Mary, but Mary the Harlot. Regardless, if Christians want to believe she gave birth, they have a hard truth to swallow.


Scientists suspect the culprit looked something like this... a 90s computer mouse

Immaculate conception, really? You know what would be more immaculate? Fertilization. Some Christians argue that it's a metaphor. That's right. A metaphor for a load of crap. Plus it sort of defeats the purpose of a metaphor when you proceed to take all of the conclusions that follow as literal fact. Obviously back when the Bible was scrabbled together from bits of irrelevant folkore and the inside cover of the Lonely Planet guide to Tel Aviv, sex education was somewhat lacking. Perhaps people thought virgin births were possible then. But since that time we've learned to wear sunscreen to prevent skin cancer and to run away from volcanoes when the island gods get angry. I feel like there's scope for improvement in the whole virgin birth department.

There is of course a third solution. Once again, it could have been a miracle.

But that's total bull: everyone knows only hobbits can immaculately conceive.

The 2008 Messiah Debates: Frodo v Yoda

The race to become the next Chosen One heated up yesterday as the 2008 Messiah Debates kicked off in Baltimore, MD. While they were originally scheduled to be held in Mississippi, the venue was moved at the last minute to be closer to Washington D.C., as both participants felt the pressing need to be closer to the nation’s capital in this time of financial crisis. Quite why this was is unclear, as neither holds a US passport, much less a position with the federal government, and after last night, it’s quite obvious neither of them really has a clue how the economy works.

Last night’s debate was moderated by the always ineffective and self-obsessed Larry King.

Transcript

Larry King: Well we ran over budget on the decorations and totally unnecessary emergency change of venue, so we couldn’t hire another guy to do the introductions. I guess that one’s down to me, even though everyone knows I’m an interviewer, and it’s not really my job. Geez… First is a man revered worldwide for his great work and lifelong commitment to improving society. He is loved by the rich and poor alike. He is friends with presidents and has his portrait on children’s nightstands. His very presence resonates for miles around, and a radiant aura precedes him. Ladies and gentlemen, he is a man who needs no introduction. Well, that seems a little belated now... May I have the pleasure of introducing to you tonight… Larry King!

…

Ok, let’s get this show on the road. Yoda, Frodo. Frodo, Yoda. Froda & Yodo, audience. Audience, Frododo.

My first question is for Mr. Yoda. What makes you think you’re qualified to be anyone’s messiah, much less, The Messiah?

Yoda: If messiah I am, news to me this is. Humble is the Jedi’s life. Ambition, greed, power: jealousy these cause, and anger too. Hatr-

Larry: If I could just stop you right there. I’m going to have to ask you to speak normally. People are already getting up to leave.

Yoda: Patience should my subjects have, or anger it will cause. And lead you down a dark path anger will, and abandon you to hatred, hmm. [Clears throat] Excuse me Larry, to answer your question, I’m all about transparency. Transparency and accountability: they’re key. My followers have seen my films. They know I’m a stand up guy, even though I might not stand very high! [Laughs]. But seriously, I’m a bit of a Christ figure, and I think people can relate to that.

Larry: Yes, very modest. The same question, Mr. Frodo?

Frodo: Well, Larry, I think my accomplishments speak for themselves. I walked to Mordor. Walked to Mordor. By myself. And destroyed the One Ring. I destroyed it.

Larry: … I think we were all under the impression that you had some help…

Frodo: By myself.

Larry: … and that you road a horse at least some of the way…

Frodo: Walked. On these short legs. All the way.

Larry: … and I’m pretty sure there was a boat at one point…

Frodo: With respect Larry, you weren’t there. I was. Me. You destroy Sauron’s ring, we’ll talk. But ‘til then, that’s how it went down.

Larry: 'With respect', right. Well you certainly have stamina, I’ll give you that. But is that enough to be The Messiah?

Frodo: Don’t forget the whole resurrection thing.

Larry: Wasn’t that Jesus?

Frodo: I cured that one guy’s leprosy.

Larry: Jesus again.

Frodo: And I survived being stabbed by a cave troll. A cave troll, Larry.

Larry: I seem to remember something about a bullet-proof vest, or stab-proof at least…

Frodo: So taken together, I think it’s easy for people to see how godlike I really am.

Larry: … and then you spent the whole of the next day bent doubled over retching. Yes, well, perhaps we could focus on defense. Mr. Yoda, we’re stuck fighting two wars that don’t seem to be going as smoothly as one unnamed president’s slightly premature ‘mission accomplished’ speech would have us believe. With the economy as it is, increasing defense spending doesn’t seem to be an option. What is your position?

Yoda: Wit and cunning a Jedi needs, and these things he can only get from the Force. Greedy, your President is, hmm. Victory comes not through impatience. Anger only will he find down that road. Embraced by the dark side, will he be.

Larry: Some might accuse you of being vague.

Yoda: More troops, Kabul needs. Introduce mandatory conscription, we must. Ages 16-55, hmm.

Larry: Your response, Mr. Frodo?

Frodo: Is it too late to ask you to call me Lord Frodo?

Larry: Yes.

Frodo: Fine. Larry, the problem is really very simple. We need to find Bin Laden’s Ring of Power, take it to Mount Doom, and destroy it. And I think everyone will agree I’m the messiah for job, having extensive experience in that field already.

Larry: How do we know Bin Laden even has a ring? A Ring of Power, that is?

Frodo: I heard it on CNN. Bin Laden has a Ring, a Ring from which he draws all his support and power.

Larry: Are you sure they weren’t referring to a ring of confidants? You know, trusted advisors? Like a campfire circle?

Frodo: …. Ohhh. Yeah, that would probably make more sense.

Larry: Well what do you propose we do now?

Frodo: Sorry Larry, I have no idea. We could still throw them in a volcano I guess.

Larry: … that might work. Ok, let’s talk about the economy. It’s a mess. The government's $700 billion bail out package was rejected. Would you support a revised package, Mr. Yoda?

Yoda: Honest a life is, if money it is without. The source of greed, money is, hmm. And greed leads only to jealousy, and anger, hmm. To hatred, does the dark road of anger lead.

Larry: I think the audience has probably heard enough about hatred.

Yoda: The dark side, I sense in you.

Larry: Bite me.

Frodo: If I may, Larry, I would like to ask Mr. Yoda to clarify his position. Are you saying we don’t need money?

Yoda: A Jedi needs only the Force, and money it provides not, I think. Hmm.

Larry: Well that’s fine for you, but I have a mortgage, kids to put through grad school, my HMO to pay for! Isn't your position a little untenable?

[Audience grumbles]

Yoda: Hmm, Jedi [Sound of light saber extending]

[Grumbling increases, sporadic hisses]

Larry: Alright, calm down. Quiet, quiet... Mr. Frodo, perhaps you can give us your opinion.

Frodo: Well Kent-

Larry: Larry.

Frodo: Larry. Again, it’s simple. Our physical policy is totally irresponsible. Everyone’s focused on lending, but hasn’t anyone ever heard of giving? And people are complaining about losing their homes, but I see it as a great way to get back in touch with nature. Also, taxes only make people angry, so I think we should scrap them altogether to really bring some clarity to our physical policy.

Larry: … excuse me, physical policy, you keep saying that. What is that?

Frodo: You know, physical policy. Money and junk.

Larry: Oh, fiscal policy.

Frodo: Right, that’s what I said. Physical policy.

Larry: Tremendous. Right, let’s turn to the last topic on our list, religion. Mr. Yoda, some argue the role of messiah is already over-subscribed. How can you distinguish yourself?

Yoda: In touch with my subjects’ needs, I am, King Larry. Good relations with the human race, have I.

Larry: But, Mr. Yoda, you weren’t even born on this planet. You’re thousands of years old. I mean, you inhabit an entirely different and parallel fictional universe! How is this debate even taking place?! I think the audience is going to want more than existentialist forays into whimsical thought experiments as justification for total suspension of their disbelief.

Yoda: If believe my audience cannot, then fail themselves they will. [Light saber extends again]

[Audience hisses]

Larry: Ok I'm going to have to ask you to put that away. So you’re asking the audience to just believe everything you say. You want them to simply believe that you exist, despite giving no real evidence as to why they should, other than a vague threat of harm if they don’t?

Yoda: A Jesus figure I said I was, hmm.

Larry: Touché. Mr. Frodo, how would you respond to the criticism that people who look like space freaks and ten year old children aren’t fit for being The Messiah?

Frodo: I would say ‘screw them’, Larry.

Larry: ‘Screw them’?

Frodo: [coughs] … Yes.

Larry: Right, well it looks like we’ve covered pretty much everything tonight. It’s been an illuminating debate, although I can’t quite understand why we’re even having a debate, since neither is being voted for, and neither can properly be called a candidate. In fact, the whole thing seems contrived and just slightly improbable. Like a self-indulgent attempt at social commentary through clichés and borderline copyright infringement. I mean, I'm sitting here talking to two narcissistic fictional characters when there's a Presidential election going on.

Frodo: Woah, woah, woah. Don't start going all righteous on me. You're the one who has your portrait on children's nightstands. That's kind of messed up.

Larry: I never-

Frodo: Yes you did. I heard you. Yoda heard you, the audience heard you. That's sick man, just sick. You need help. If you were one of my followers, we'd have you lopped and stopped.

Yoda: Hmmm... yes.

[Commotion as Larry King bounds from his seat and runs to the exit]

Frodologists Move to Block Translation of The Lord of the Rings

Today broke with the news that Frodo’s Minions on Earth are considering legal action to stop the proposed translation of The Lord of the Rings from Elvish into any other language. The action is in response to increasing clamors from the unwashed masses to make The Book more accessible, since, they argue, fewer and fewer people speak Elvish. Following only weeks after the colossal box office failure of the Elvish-language only The Passion of the Frodo, many see this as a petty response by The Faith’s leaders to reassert Frodology as relevant in the post-industrial age.

The news comes as a particular surprise to legions of fans who think they have read Tolkien’s magnum opus in English and other base languages. When questioned, however, at least half of these feigned confusion and then remembered that they had only seen the movies. When pushed further, it was revealed that the average respondent was unaware that his rack of DVDs was not a bookshelf. This is arguably evidence that, despite Bush administration propaganda to the contrary, one or more children may have been left behind.

Literate fans who think they have read The Book have unfortunately been duped, since no authorized translations exist, ISBN numbers notwithstanding. Frodologist investigators believe the illicit copies to be the work of warring Somali clans, who are abandoning piracy on the high seas in droves to cash in on the much more profitable Frodo paraphernalia market which has emerged in the wake of Frodology’s march across the globe.

Frodology leaders oppose the translation efforts since Elvish has always been the true language of Frodo, despite the fact that he did not speak it, did not respect it, and is believed by some sources to have been persecuted by the Elves. Some ex-Frodologists call this ‘co-opting’ a Messiah. We call that heresy, and we don’t recommend it.

The danger in reading illicit translations is of course that Frodo’s followers need proper guidance. Through reading the source material for themselves, they might inadvertently take different interpretations and draw the wrong conclusions. We would like to remind readers that where there is scope for being wrong, it is wisest for their souls and their more corporeal selves to simply abide by the divine shepherding of Frodo’s unelected Minions on Earth. With heresy at an all time high, a low profile is quickly becoming the season’s must have accessory.

There is a second danger in reading unauthorized translations that Frodologists should be aware of. Due to a peculiar loophole in the law, that is, all laws, everywhere, reading an illegal version is a more serious crime than publishing and profiting from one. The gravity accorded to the crime is clearly a result of widespread recognition of the importance of Frodo’s word remaining exclusively in Elvish. Frodologist leaders were heard to thank Hollywood for setting a precedent by spearheading the effort to catch, fine, and imprison the purveyors of pirated films, rather than bother with the colonies of midgets responsible for producing them.

So-called Frodologists in support of authorized translations have already been excommunicated from the church and branded with ‘communist’ on their foreheads. Frodologist leaders feel these measures are justified and would not characterize them as ‘heavy-handed’. ‘Middle’ or ‘not so bad-handed’ maybe, but certainly not 'heavy' or any of its derivatives. Said leaders assured Frodologists that it was for the integrity of The Faith. They cannot envision it occasioning any sort of split, and are totally unaware of any precedent that would point to the contrary.