The Lord of the Rings (Abridged), Book II

(Further) Dramatis Personae
Eowyn	Largely unimportant filler character who falls in love with Aragorn, then settles for....
Faramir	Brother of Boromir, ranger of Gondor and casual philatelist
Eomer	Brother of Eowyn, used to fighting hordes of orcs but unable to fight his way into the abridged script
Polymer	A high tensile plastic
Wormtongue	Nickname of former Secretary of State of Florida, Katherine Harris

In case you missed it, the story began with Book I. Last we saw, Frodo and Sam were boldly setting off in the direction of Mordor to destroy the Ring; Merry and Pippin were captured by orcs who'd yet to discover that, just like Chinese people, all hobbits look the same; and Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli took in the sights of beautiful North Gondor before setting out to rescue the Olsen hobbits.

Aragorn	The orcs are two days ahead. We have a hard trek ahead of us.
Gimli	OMFG! Why didn’t we just leave when I said we should? And why didn’t we bring our horses?
Legolas	Peshffsdff fuddd
Gimli	What?
Legolas	Peshhenf duff
Gimli	Seriously… what?
Legolas	[Rubbing his jaw] Patience, dwarf. Sorry, it’s been weeks since I last spoke.
	Aragorn, Gimli and Legolas pursue the orcs, who are butchered by the Celts men of Rohan. Merry and Pippin manage to escape the orcs during the attack, hide in a nearby forest, and encounter some ents, basically walking talking trees. It’s as dull as it sounds, so we’re going to skip that bit.
Aragorn	[Staring at pile of dead orcs] Bummer. Looks like those Rohan dudes got Merry and Pippin too. Maybe we should have stayed with Frodo and Sam like Gandalf told us to in the first place and not wasted all that time.
Gandalf	Yo. Not dead. Hobbits alive too. With ents.
Gimli	Ents?
Gandalf	Walking talking trees.
Gimli	Sounds kind of gay.
Gandalf	Yeah. Pretty boring. Going to Rohan to get help from King. Come with?
Gimli	Fo sho.
	Theoden, King of Rohan under some sort of spell cast by Saruman. Gandalf breaks it.
Gandalf	That’s two strikes, Saruman.
Aragorn	I don’t think he can hear you.
Theoden	Good to be back. What’s shaking?
Gandalf	Orcs. Attacking. Must go to fortress. Helm’s Deep. Hide.
Theoden	Are you sure? It’s awfully drafty this time of year.
	All of Rohan travels to Helm’s Deep under edict of Gandalf. Gandalf meanwhile goes off to look for help.
Serf #1	Great, now we have two kings.
Serf #2	Those pamphlets of yours really aren’t working.
Serf #1	Well maybe if you helped out once in a while.
Serf #2	Easy for you to say! I’ve got a mortgage and six kids to raise on a government pension. You’re still living at home.
Serf #1	It makes sense for me financially.
Serf #2	No one who still lives with his parents has ever been elected president of anything.
Serf #1	Shut up! I’m going to get my own place, it’s just not the right time.
Serf #2	The ‘right time’? It’s never the right time with you. You’re pathetic.
Serf #1	Ugh. You’re just. Gah. You don’t understand. It’s not. Grr. I hate you.
	On the way to Helm's Deep, the groups fights off an attack by orcs and Aragorn fights off sexual advances from a minor character.

"M'lady, I cannot lie... you'd be my Plan B."

	Saruman’s orcs attack Helm’s Deep. Their crude weapons are no match for thick stone walls.
Theoden	This is going well.
	A wall explodes in a cacophonous boom.
Captain	Looks like Saruman’s invented gunpowder.
Theoden	What did you say?
Captain	I said it looks like Saruman has invented gunpowder.
Theoden	What’s gunpowder?
Captain	I don’t know, but it clearly makes big explosions.
Theoden	Well why did you call it that?
Captain	Because that’s what it’s called.
Theoden	Why isn’t it just called ‘explosive powder’?
Captain	I don’t know. It’s just called ‘gunpowder’.
Theoden	But what’s a gun?
Captain	I… I, I don’t know. [Stammers]
Theoden	It just seems like a strange thing to say. ‘Gunpowder’. Hmm.
	Things go poorly until Gandalf turns up in the nick of time and wipes out the orcs.
Gandalf	Strike three, Saruman.
	Gandalf, Aragorn, Gimli, Legolas, Theoden and his army go to Isengard, home of Saruman to register a complaint. They arrive to discover that the ents, under encouragement of Merry and Pippin, have destroyed it, bankrupting Saruman Industries Inc. Theoden’s plans to sue Saruman for damages are abandoned for wont of assets sufficient to settle the claim. Meanwhile, Frodo and Sam are trekking through hostile country on the way to Mordor when they discover an unlikely creature.
Gollum	Surprise! Give me my ring back, hobbits!
Frodo	Oh, it’s you. When he said ‘unlikely creature’ I was hoping it would be… well, nevermind.[Hastily rolls up a magazine and puts it back in his bag]
Sam	I think we should put a rope around this fella. I don’t trust him.
Frodo	He’ll be fine. You should really have more faith in people, Sam.
	Gollum betrays them.
Sam	Can I put a leash on him now?
Frodo	I suppose, but you should really learn to be more forgiving and trusting, Sam.
	Gollum agrees to lead them to Mordor, mostly because he doesn't have a choice. We call this 'duress', and while it might make you feel big, it just makes you a bully. No one likes a bully.
	Meanwhile, the hobbits are waylayed by Faramir.
Faramir	Ah, the Ringbearer. You must give it to me, Frodo. The Ring is a gift to Gondor.
Frodo	It won't be if you steal it.
Faramir	Give it to me! Gondor will use the Ring as a great weapon against Mordor.
Frodo	But how will you use it?
Faramir	Well, um, I guess I'll put it on, and um, go invisible, and then... maybe if... I, I haven't really thought this through.
Frodo	And that's why you're a minor character. Later, Fillermir.
Sam	Nice leather bodice, jerk. [Aside to Faramir] I'm so sorry, I totally didn't mean that, it actually looks super. [Winks at Faramir]

"I like it too, milord"

	Gollum leads Frodo and Sam away from Gondor into Mordor. He makes a plan to retrieve the Ring from Frodo
Gollum	[To himself] The hobbits have the precious, and they want to destroy it! But we can't lets them, can we precious? No, no we can't. Even if hobbits are good to us. No, we must take them to Her... yes, She will deal with them...
Frodo	Gollum! Could you please keep it down? I'm trying to convince Sam to trust you and I can barely hear myself think.
	Our story ends here. Temporarily. There's another whole book. I know, can you believe it? Check back soon for Book III!