The Lord of the Rings (Abridged), Book III

	The hobbits arrive in Mordor. It’s nothing like what they were shown on the pamphlet, and much of it isn’t even built yet. Frodo and Sam are disappointed, and the tension threatens to cleave their friendship in two.
Sam	You promised me a beautiful honeymoon, and look where we are! Stinking marshes, bleak mountains, no wildlife, and countless English pubs full of shaven heads and football shirts. We might as well have stayed at home.
Frodo	The ‘Cock and Lion’ looks alright.
Sam	No! I’m sleeping outside tonight.
	Orcs cross the River Anduin into Gondor under the cover of night to sack Osgiliath.

"Is anyone actually in charge here?"

	Gandalf and Merry arrive in Gondor. Gandalf and Pippin. Merry. They prepare to defend Minas Tirith against an attack from Sauron’s ugliest army yet. They watch from the walls as legions of orcs approach.
Gondor Soldier #1	I say, William, they’ve got nothing on us. Look at our armor: shiny and lovely. Perfect spiffing gentlemen we are. And look at them. Disgusting!
Soldier #2	Mmm, quite.
	Meanwhile, Theoden and his army depart from Rohan. Desperate to fight, Merry is almost left behind, but is brought along at the last minute by some broad on a horse. Sorry, I meant Pippin.
Pippin	I have a pointy sword.
Broad on horse	I know, I wish you weren’t sitting behind me.
	Even more meanwhile, Aragorn, Gimli and Legolas are traipsing around some caves looking for a narrative device that will deliver Minas Tirith from certain doom with a swift blow of deus ex machina. They find it in an army of invincible ghost soldiers. Yep, first I'd heard of it too.
Ghost King	How do I know you’re not going to use us as a cop out by having us defeat all of Sauron’s armies, rather than just the handful or orcs running around outside Minas Tirith?
Aragorn	Don’t worry, there’s this convenient back story which means I’ll have to release you from your servitude after you liberate Minas Tirith, but before we go and attack Mordor proper. It’ll seem like a silly thing to do, but I didn’t write this.
	Orcs attacking Minas Tirith are slaughtered by ghost army.
Soldier #1	Look, William, didn’t even get my armor dirty. Don’t you think I look dashing with this flushed complexion and heavy breathing?
Soldier #2	Mmm, yes.
	Gollum tricks Frodo into thinking that Sam has been eating all their food. Frodo abandons Sam and decides to destroy the Ring by himself, which is funny, because so far Frodo hasn’t been able to do anything by himself. Usefully, Sam sits down and cries it out. Gollum leads Frodo into a dark cave…
Frodo	You know Gollum, I really am glad I trusted you. You’re a good friend…
Gollum	[Hiding, with echoing voice] Yes, hobbit…. [Laughs]
Frodo	Gollum? Gollum?! Where are you?
	Frodo is stung by a giant spider. Had he not immediately become paralyzed, he would have said this…
Frodo	At least Gollum had nothing to do with this.
	Tear ducts empty, Sam decides he’s not a little weenie after all and goes to help Frodo. Thinking Frodo is dead, he manages to remove the Ring from Frodo right before a band of orcs find him and carry his inert body away. In hiding, Sam overhears them discussing the fact that Frodo is still alive. Lucky they were discussing this in English, a language that Sam understood, and not their own native Mordor tongue, which Sam couldn’t speak. Yes, very lucky. Sam rescues Frodo.
Frodo	Thanks for rescuing me Sam! Shame the orcs got the Ring. I was really looking forward to hiking up Mount Doom, avoiding all of those orcs, chucking it into the fire, and not making it out alive. Oh well, guess we’d better head back to the Shire.
Sam	Not so fast! I have the Ring! I took when I thought you were dead.
Frodo	Oh… Yay. Great job. Woo. Now we get to go to Mount Doom. I was so worried there for a minute, you know, that we wouldn’t get to, because the Ring was gone. Awesome.
	Aware that there hasn’t been an epic battle seen for at least five minutes, Aragorn decides to attack Mordor with his vastly inferior forces.
Aragorn	Today we fight for Frodo!
All	For Frodo!
Legolas	Frododo!
	Meanwhile, Frodo and Sam approach Mount Doom.
Frodo	I wonder where Gollum is.
	Gollum appears from behind a boulder and throws a stone at Sam’s head.
Frodo	Oh, there he is.
	Frodo runs up the slope and into Mount Doom to destroy the Ring.
Gollum	No, Master Hobbit! Give it to me! Don’t destroy the Precious!
Frodo	Look, Gollum, I’ve trusted you so far because you’ve never given me reason to do otherwise. But I really think this is something that needs to happen.
Gollum	[Jumps on Frodo’s back, bites his finger off and steals the Ring] Ah ha! It’s mine! The Precious!
Frodo	What’s this? Betrayal? What are the odds?!
	Gollum falls in the fires of Mount Doom, destroying the Ring. Mordor sort of implodes. Sam and Frodo chill on a rock in the middle of a stream of lava awaiting rescue.

"That went well."

Sam	You know who else had a gay name?
Frodo	Hmm?
Sam	Tom Bombadil.
Frodo	Oh yeah, I forgot about that guy. You know who I miss?
Sam	Who?
Frodo	Gollum. He had a good heart.
	A group of giant eagles rescue Frodo and Sam, who are at this point too tired to note that these birds might have come in handy earlier. Aragorn is crowned King of Gondor.

"Maybe I'll let them vote one day... Nah."

	The hobbits return to the Shire to find that Saruman has escaped from Isengard to enslave the Shire. Chronic voter apathy among hobbits means that most haven't even noticed.
Sam	I don't remember this part.
Frodo	Yeah, it surprised me too. Say, good woman, what news of Hobbiton?
Hobbit woman	What? Who are you? Oh yeah... you're them four 'obbits what went off adventuring, leavin' us 'ere to our own devices. But I thought ya was all male, if ye know what I'm sayin'.

	The hobbits foster an uprising against Saruman and his lunatic policy of 'industrialization'. Saruman is betrayed and killed by Wormtongue, who is in turn slain by archers working for Al Gore.
Archer	What an inconvenient poof.
	Frodo and Sam consummate their friendship, and by that I mean their friendship is consummate. Frodo tires of his mortal life and sails west into the Undying Lands. Presumably that means a land where people are undying, since lands don't really die, and that would just be redundant. I guess it could just be called 'Lands'. The Shire returns to normal and never industrializes thanks to vast oil reserves discovered under local hobbits' fields. It remains largely unchanged to this day. That is to say, Heaven.