The Lord of the Rings (Abridged), Book I

Dramatis Personae
Frodo	A hobbit; our Messiah
Bilbo	His uncle, sounds suspiciously like ‘dildo’
Gandalf	Wizard and avid baseball fan
Samwise	Frodo’s gardener, of tubby appearance and sycophantic disposition
Merry & Pippin	The Mary Kate and Ashley of hobbits, but male
Strider/Aragorn	Exiled would-be King of Gondor. Oops that sort of ruined the ending
Boromir	Heir of Gondor’s stewardship. I smell tension!
Gimli	A dwarf with an axe to grind... ha!
Legolas	An elf
Sauron	Basically the Devil
Ringwraiths	His minions, nine corrupted kings who harrow Frodo on his quest and meet on Wednesdays for amateur vocal group
Gollum	Former owner of Bilbo’s ring, looks something like a starving David Bowie
Saruman	Evil wizard. Not a baseball fan

Book I

	Impish creatures frolic in green pastures that look suspiciously like New Zealand. A wizard approaches.
Frodo	Gandalf! You’re late!
Gandalf	Shut the fuck up. Where’s this party?
	Bilbo, is having a party. No one remembers why. He addresses the inhabitants of the Shire.
Bilbo	[Drunkenly] I tire of thee. I shall take my leave of this place on the morrow.
	Oh yeah, that’s why he’s having a party. Bilbo slips on a ring, the pilfered loot of a previous book, and vanishes to the surprise of all but the countless people rereading this book for the fifth time. Frodo returns home looking for Bilbo.
Frodo	Dildo! Woah, where’d that come from? Bilbo, where are you?
Gandalf	B scarpered. Left you this funny ring. Full of evil. Should probably make yourself scarce. Must go. Tix for Wimbledon. Tara!
Sam	Couldn’t help but overhear you’re going on an adventure. Figured I could make myself useful to the plot. Also, I’m a tiny bit gay. Not liking this ominous music much. Maybe we should go.
Frodo	Cool.
	Frodo and Sam encounter Merry & Pippin in a corn field violating a farmer’s daughter. They come with. The party spends a night at an inn.
Strider	Pretty ring you got there.
Frodo	Thanks. I’m waiting ‘til I get married.
Strider	No I meant that shiny one.
Frodo	Oh. [Grows cagey] Stranger danger! Stranger danger!
Strider	Relax, my grimy, unkempt appearance is just for dramatic effect. It’ll make the revelation that I’m the heir to the throne of a distant kingdom that much more startling. Oops. Well you had to find out eventually.
	Bonding and several narrow escapes ensue. Frodo is stabbed at one point by a Ringwraith who, I’ve gotta be honest here, just wasn’t trying very hard. It was probably the most gingerly poking motion I’ve ever seen. Really not promotion material. Anyway Frodo is carried by Glorfindel, an elf, on his horse to Elrond’s house for a little R & R.
Frodo	[Groggily] Glorfindel… don’t you think that’s a pretty gay name?
Glorfindel	I do.
	The group reach the house of Elrond, who is busy showing a film crew around his mad pad for MTV’s Cribz. The show is cancelled before he can finish. Gandalf returns from Wimbledon.
Elrond	Ah, Mr. Anderson Baggins. Let me introduce you to an unlikely assembly of mixed race protagonists.
Boromir, Gimli, Legolas	Sup.
Frodo	How was Wimbledon, Gandalf?
Gandalf	Rained out. Did some research meantime. Ring is evil. Must be destroyed. Only you can do it.
Frodo	But what about my much more muscular and capable acquaintances? I’d choose them. Surely picking me would require my audience to suspend their disbelief a little too far.
Gandalf	I think they’ll still go for it.
	The ‘Fellowship’ departs Elrond’s with a single pony, which makes you wonder, how the hell did they all get there in the first place? I mean, it’s in the goddamn mountains. Did they walk? They walked up the mountains? And if they did have horses, why did they leave them? None of this makes sense.
Gimli	Kinda snowy up here. Maybe we should go under the mountain.
Aragorn	Sounds easy and not in the least bit sinister. What could possibly go wrong?
	Fellowship goes under the mountain. A lot goes wrong. Gandalf mistakes a bottomless crevice for the exit.
Frodo	Gandalf!
Aragorn	Yeah, grief will do that.
	Fellowship notices Legolas has yet to speak. They ask him for his opinion. He suggests they spend the night in an enchanted forest full of singing woodland creatures.
Gimli	I hate singing woodland creatures.
Elf	Say, what’s this, a band of miscreants walking through Lothlórien?
Gimli	Wtf is Lothlórien?
Elf	The realm of the Lady Galadriel and Lord Celeborn.
Merry	Mr. Elf? Why is ‘Celeborn’ a typo, but ‘Galadriel’ isn’t?
	Fellowship spends night in Lothlórien. Lady Galadriel gives each traveler a gift. Gimli asks for a strand of her hair, a request so gay it makes Glorfindel look like Chuck Norris. Fellowship paddles downstream in boats.
Gandalf	Tired. Exposed beach. Threatening trees. Smell of orc. Let’s make camp.
Aragorn	I agree. What could possibly go wrong?
	Frodo goes wandering in forest. Has erotic experience on stone chair. Boromir, jealous he has been passed over as the story’s hero, wants to take the Ring from Frodo for himself.
Frodo	You can’t have it!
Boromir	But why?
Frodo	Gandalf said I’m the only one who can destroy it.
Boromir	That seems implausible.
Frodo	Yeah, it does a bit doesn’t it?
Boromir	Well I don’t want it anyway. It’s only a McGuffin.
	Frodo runs off. Orcs sent by evil wizard Saruman attack. Fighting and heroics ensue. Boromir takes an arrow in the chest while defending Merry. No, it was Pippin. No, Merry.
Boromir	Hssss… Ow!!
	Boromir takes another arrow in the chest.
Boromir	Arghhhh!
	Boromir takes yet another arrow in the chest.
Boromir	Arghhhh! Oh come on!
	Boromir dies in Aragorn’s arms, as the budgeting department breathes a heavy sigh of relief that they can cut one expensive cast member from the payroll. Frodo and Sam, all evidence to the contrary, decide that they can do a better job of destroying the ring by themselves. Mary Kate and Pippin are captured by orcs. Aragorn, Gimli and Legolas decide to hunt down said orcs, and delay their departure just long enough to make a convincing three-day ordeal out of the relatively simple task. The Lord of the Rings (Abridged), Book II, coming soon!