Showing posts with label Fellowship of the Ring. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Fellowship of the Ring. Show all posts

Sunday, March 15, 2009

The Lord of the Rings (Abridged), Book I

Dramatis Personae
Frodo A hobbit; our Messiah
Bilbo His uncle, sounds suspiciously like ‘dildo’
Gandalf Wizard and avid baseball fan
Samwise Frodo’s gardener, of tubby appearance and sycophantic disposition
Merry & Pippin The Mary Kate and Ashley of hobbits, but male
Strider/Aragorn Exiled would-be King of Gondor. Oops that sort of ruined the ending
Boromir Heir of Gondor’s stewardship. I smell tension!
Gimli A dwarf with an axe to grind... ha! 
Legolas An elf
Sauron Basically the Devil
Ringwraiths His minions, nine corrupted kings who harrow Frodo on his quest and meet on Wednesdays for amateur vocal group
Gollum Former owner of Bilbo’s ring, looks something like a starving David Bowie
Saruman Evil wizard. Not a baseball fan

Book I

Impish creatures frolic in green pastures that look suspiciously like New Zealand. A wizard approaches.
FrodoGandalf! You’re late!
GandalfShut the fuck up. Where’s this party?
Bilbo, is having a party. No one remembers why. He addresses the inhabitants of the Shire.
Bilbo[Drunkenly] I tire of thee. I shall take my leave of this place on the morrow.
Oh yeah, that’s why he’s having a party. Bilbo slips on a ring, the pilfered loot of a previous book, and vanishes to the surprise of all but the countless people rereading this book for the fifth time. Frodo returns home looking for Bilbo.
FrodoDildo! Woah, where’d that come from? Bilbo, where are you?
GandalfB scarpered. Left you this funny ring. Full of evil. Should probably make yourself scarce. Must go. Tix for Wimbledon. Tara!
SamCouldn’t help but overhear you’re going on an adventure. Figured I could make myself useful to the plot. Also, I’m a tiny bit gay. Not liking this ominous music much. Maybe we should go.
FrodoCool.
Frodo and Sam encounter Merry & Pippin in a corn field violating a farmer’s daughter. They come with. The party spends a night at an inn.
StriderPretty ring you got there.
FrodoThanks. I’m waiting ‘til I get married.
StriderNo I meant that shiny one.
FrodoOh. [Grows cagey] Stranger danger! Stranger danger!
StriderRelax, my grimy, unkempt appearance is just for dramatic effect. It’ll make the revelation that I’m the heir to the throne of a distant kingdom that much more startling. Oops. Well you had to find out eventually.
Bonding and several narrow escapes ensue. Frodo is stabbed at one point by a Ringwraith who, I’ve gotta be honest here, just wasn’t trying very hard. It was probably the most gingerly poking motion I’ve ever seen. Really not promotion material. Anyway Frodo is carried by Glorfindel, an elf, on his horse to Elrond’s house for a little R & R.
Frodo[Groggily] Glorfindel… don’t you think that’s a pretty gay name?
GlorfindelI do.
The group reach the house of Elrond, who is busy showing a film crew around his mad pad for MTV’s Cribz. The show is cancelled before he can finish. Gandalf returns from Wimbledon.
ElrondAh, Mr. Anderson Baggins. Let me introduce you to an unlikely assembly of mixed race protagonists.
Boromir, Gimli, LegolasSup.
FrodoHow was Wimbledon, Gandalf?
GandalfRained out. Did some research meantime. Ring is evil. Must be destroyed. Only you can do it.
FrodoBut what about my much more muscular and capable acquaintances? I’d choose them. Surely picking me would require my audience to suspend their disbelief a little too far.
GandalfI think they’ll still go for it.
The ‘Fellowship’ departs Elrond’s with a single pony, which makes you wonder, how the hell did they all get there in the first place? I mean, it’s in the goddamn mountains. Did they walk? They walked up the mountains? And if they did have horses, why did they leave them? None of this makes sense.
GimliKinda snowy up here. Maybe we should go under the mountain.
AragornSounds easy and not in the least bit sinister. What could possibly go wrong?
Fellowship goes under the mountain. A lot goes wrong. Gandalf mistakes a bottomless crevice for the exit.
FrodoGandalf!
AragornYeah, grief will do that.
Fellowship notices Legolas has yet to speak. They ask him for his opinion. He suggests they spend the night in an enchanted forest full of singing woodland creatures.
GimliI hate singing woodland creatures.
ElfSay, what’s this, a band of miscreants walking through Lothlórien?
GimliWtf is Lothlórien?
ElfThe realm of the Lady Galadriel and Lord Celeborn.
MerryMr. Elf? Why is ‘Celeborn’ a typo, but ‘Galadriel’ isn’t?
Fellowship spends night in Lothlórien. Lady Galadriel gives each traveler a gift. Gimli asks for a strand of her hair, a request so gay it makes Glorfindel look like Chuck Norris. Fellowship paddles downstream in boats.
GandalfTired. Exposed beach. Threatening trees. Smell of orc. Let’s make camp.
AragornI agree. What could possibly go wrong?
Frodo goes wandering in forest. Has erotic experience on stone chair. Boromir, jealous he has been passed over as the story’s hero, wants to take the Ring from Frodo for himself.
FrodoYou can’t have it!
BoromirBut why?
FrodoGandalf said I’m the only one who can destroy it.
BoromirThat seems implausible.
FrodoYeah, it does a bit doesn’t it?
BoromirWell I don’t want it anyway. It’s only a McGuffin.
Frodo runs off. Orcs sent by evil wizard Saruman attack. Fighting and heroics ensue. Boromir takes an arrow in the chest while defending Merry. No, it was Pippin. No, Merry.
BoromirHssss… Ow!!
Boromir takes another arrow in the chest.
BoromirArghhhh!
Boromir takes yet another arrow in the chest.
BoromirArghhhh! Oh come on!
Boromir dies in Aragorn’s arms, as the budgeting department breathes a heavy sigh of relief that they can cut one expensive cast member from the payroll. Frodo and Sam, all evidence to the contrary, decide that they can do a better job of destroying the ring by themselves. Mary Kate and Pippin are captured by orcs. Aragorn, Gimli and Legolas decide to hunt down said orcs, and delay their departure just long enough to make a convincing three-day ordeal out of the relatively simple task.

The Lord of the Rings (Abridged), Book II, coming soon!

Thursday, December 25, 2008

A Treatise on the True Story of December 25th

Over the years, traditions and holidays evolve. Even religious ones that are organized by people dead set against evolution and everything it stands for – they evolve too. When people are asked what “the true meaning of Christmas” is these days, respondents often focus too hard on trying to remember the details, like whether Scrooge owned the inn that turned Mary away, or the one that let her stay in the stable. Many worry themselves trying to remember which gift each wise man brought, and forget the real message, which is that giving expensive presents to a newborn is guaranteed to spoil him.

Some people lose sight of the bigger picture while watching straight-to-DVD movies, and forget all about treatises.

However, there is an altogether different message associated with December 25th, which predates the Christmas story, and even the film A Christmas Story. Arguably the event is all the more important as it actually happened on December 25th, unlike subsequent events which are wrongly and inexplicably commemorated on that day.

To Frodologists, December 25th is Fellowship Day. It commemorates that day when Frodo and his eight companions set off from Rivendell to destroy the Ring and deliver Middle Earth from evil. There are, I think, four lessons which can be drawn from the bold step taken on December 25th.

First, the mission to Mordor is symbolic of casting off the yoke of our material possessions. The ring which Frodo takes is a piece of jewelry highly evocative of Western materialism, and he swears on all that’s holy (himself) that he will cast it into the fires of the predictably named Mount Doom. As Robert Frost belatedly observed several millennia later, “nothing gold can stay”. Unless it wasn’t infused with preternatural evil at the time it was cast from hellfire and the ethereal souls of unbaptized children. Then it can stay.

The second message that Frodologists take from Fellowship Day is that on any arduous quest or journey, at the halfway point a tall elvish woman will give you queer gifts you likely have no use for. This is a device which literature calls deus ex machina, and it demonstrates the extreme and incredible good fortune which one should always expect and count on.

Third, Fellowship Day teaches us important lessons about cooperation in the face of faceless evil. Namely, it teaches us to judge others based on rumors and hearsay, and to accuse entire cultures of being paragons of evil, particularly if they lay far to the east. It teaches us to ignore the root causes of strife, and to expend countless lives sorting out a disagreement when a little dialogue may have been just as effective.



Finally, Fellowship Day teaches us about friendship. In particular we learn the lesson that, despite brave assurances of support from friends and strangers alike, no one will actually offer to do the hardest part for us, no matter how much more suited they are for the task. Ultimately, putting a miniature flag on your dashboard or uploading a series of JPEGs to the sidebar of your blog is much easier.

With so much to teach the rest of the world, however, we Frodologists must remember never to detract from other messages symbolized by the 25th of December. In particular, if you are heavily pregnant and desperately implore people for a room all the while maintaining your chastity and virginity, no one is going to let you in.

Merry Christmas!