A Treatise on the True Story of December 25th

Over the years, traditions and holidays evolve. Even religious ones that are organized by people dead set against evolution and everything it stands for – they evolve too. When people are asked what “the true meaning of Christmas” is these days, respondents often focus too hard on trying to remember the details, like whether Scrooge owned the inn that turned Mary away, or the one that let her stay in the stable. Many worry themselves trying to remember which gift each wise man brought, and forget the real message, which is that giving expensive presents to a newborn is guaranteed to spoil him.

Some people lose sight of the bigger picture while watching straight-to-DVD movies, and forget all about treatises.

However, there is an altogether different message associated with December 25th, which predates the Christmas story, and even the film A Christmas Story. Arguably the event is all the more important as it actually happened on December 25th, unlike subsequent events which are wrongly and inexplicably commemorated on that day.

To Frodologists, December 25th is Fellowship Day. It commemorates that day when Frodo and his eight companions set off from Rivendell to destroy the Ring and deliver Middle Earth from evil. There are, I think, four lessons which can be drawn from the bold step taken on December 25th.

First, the mission to Mordor is symbolic of casting off the yoke of our material possessions. The ring which Frodo takes is a piece of jewelry highly evocative of Western materialism, and he swears on all that’s holy (himself) that he will cast it into the fires of the predictably named Mount Doom. As Robert Frost belatedly observed several millennia later, “nothing gold can stay”. Unless it wasn’t infused with preternatural evil at the time it was cast from hellfire and the ethereal souls of unbaptized children. Then it can stay.

The second message that Frodologists take from Fellowship Day is that on any arduous quest or journey, at the halfway point a tall elvish woman will give you queer gifts you likely have no use for. This is a device which literature calls deus ex machina, and it demonstrates the extreme and incredible good fortune which one should always expect and count on.

Third, Fellowship Day teaches us important lessons about cooperation in the face of faceless evil. Namely, it teaches us to judge others based on rumors and hearsay, and to accuse entire cultures of being paragons of evil, particularly if they lay far to the east. It teaches us to ignore the root causes of strife, and to expend countless lives sorting out a disagreement when a little dialogue may have been just as effective.



Finally, Fellowship Day teaches us about friendship. In particular we learn the lesson that, despite brave assurances of support from friends and strangers alike, no one will actually offer to do the hardest part for us, no matter how much more suited they are for the task. Ultimately, putting a miniature flag on your dashboard or uploading a series of JPEGs to the sidebar of your blog is much easier.

With so much to teach the rest of the world, however, we Frodologists must remember never to detract from other messages symbolized by the 25th of December. In particular, if you are heavily pregnant and desperately implore people for a room all the while maintaining your chastity and virginity, no one is going to let you in.

Merry Christmas!

Reindeer serial killer on the rampage

Cries of anguish could be heard around the world today at the news that Christmas might have to be delayed. Police in the Northwest Territories reported their discovery of yet another dead reindeer from Santa Claus’ stables, bringing the total to four in just a single week.

While cynical parents bathed in the tears of their disappointed children, many better parents were perplexed as to how they were going to explain to their children that the imaginary Christmas characters that filled their hearts with delight actually existed, but were now mostly dead. A Mormon counselor has advised parents to be forthright and just keep their heads down. “It’s a necessary evil, like teaching your kids about the birds and the bees. You’ll feel dirty afterwards, but it’s a sign of good parenting.”

Perhaps the most horrifying aspect of the killings is the twisted way in which each reindeer has been dispatched in a manner prescribed by his name. The most recent victim, Cupid, was discovered with an arrow through his heart. Mounties initially believed it to be felled by a hunter, but then remembered that Canadians usually prefer to hunt with empty beer cans.

The slaying of the previous three was no less deranged. Vixen died from an advanced syphilitic infection, while Dasher was pierced by a giant hyphen. Santa Claus reportedly regrets not having named the reindeer Colon instead, but it is unlikely the creature's death would have been any less grisly. The first reindeer to die was Comet, after he was crushed by a rock falling from the upper atmosphere. Police suspect his death may be unrelated, however, as technically it would have been a meteorite.

Internet forums are already alight with speculation as to what, if anything, will befall Christmas’ most cherished reindeer, Rudolph. Will he be hanged like the Nazi commandant of Auschwitz, Rudolf Hess, or merely die in prison like the other Nazi, Rudolph Hess? The North Pole is meanwhile keeping the remaining reindeer under a close watch, but Dancer is nevertheless insisting people just call him “Bill”.

The Catholic Church is apparently unconcerned about the delay. As a spokesman for the Pope explained, “December 25th was an arbitrary choice anyway. We’ll just shift Jesus’ birthday back a few weeks, remind everyone that the Pope is infallible, and advise them not to think about it too much.”

Answering criticism that the Church is unfairly insensitive to the crushed dreams of millions of children, the spokesman responded that “it would definitely be wrong to say that we enjoy ruining lives. I guess you could say we’re just indifferent.”

Before Christmas can go ahead, however, Santa will first have to discover a new method of powering his sleigh. It is thought he will look to Japan or possibly Korea for propulsion, as the United Elf Workers claim they are only being paid to make the same old toys over and over again. Despite the potential loss of their jobs and livelihoods should Christmas not occur, they are unwilling to invent or innovate, having spent their careers getting paid handsomely for decades’ worth of unoriginal ideas.


Santa's elves unveil the latest hybrid

Meanwhile, readers are encouraged to remain vigilant and write in with any reindeer deaths they witness.