Thursday, September 25, 2008

Cure for Homosexuality Found

Good news for gays and gay-haters alike today from the world of science as researchers believe they have found a cure for homosexuality. The cure is a serum in the form of a series of injections into the fatty tissue of the gluteus maximus. Taking it up the rear has puzzlingly been the only reliable method of administering the cure.

The serum has been synthesized from the DNA of non-gay monkeys, bringing an interesting panoply of animal rights and gay rights activists onto the streets outside the company’s facility today. While some protesters were generic supporters of any liberal cause and thus found themselves immobilized by their four-sided sandwich boards, most predictably started fighting each other as a result of being unable to decide which ├╝ber liberal cause was more important.

Initial tests are proving positive. Every rat that received the serum has died, leading scientists to conclude that all rodents of the genus Rattus fantabulous are incurably gay. Homosexual monkeys are no longer showing signs of gayness either, but it may still be too early to tell. All test subjects are still in the state of inoculation known as the ‘coma’.

Scientists are however puzzled that despite finding the cure, HIV is still running rampant in every continent. Since it is widely held that the lethal virus was a punishment from God for tolerating homosexuality, the researchers had hoped that their efforts would be rewarded. Had they been able to curb the spread of HIV, they would have been eligible for the supremely rare Nobel Prize known as the ‘Twofer’.

One interesting conclusion that can be drawn from this study is that praying is apparently a total waste of time. Congregations across the United States have been praying for years that homosexuals be cured and their souls be redeemed. This has clearly been to no avail since all along the answer ironically lay in science, long the most unwelcome of bedfellows for Christians of all stripes.

This of course is a double-edged vindication of what Frodologists properly knew all along: homosexuality is curable but Christians are still wrong. Unfortunately this leaves legions of gay priests in an uncomfortable position. Those who were merely satisfied to tepidly pray for their own souls rather than face some hard truths will now be expected to take the serum and quite possibly die for their own convictions that they are baleful sinners.

It looks to be a turbulent few months ahead for the Catholic Church.

1 comment:

Vitamin R said...

The serum has been synthesized from the DNA of non-gay monkeys,

A non-gay monkey? Yeah, right! On which planet do those exist!

Had they been able to curb the spread of HIV, they would have been eligible for the supremely rare Nobel Prize known as the ‘Twofer’.

::nods::
Like what Hank Kissinger got.

It looks to be a turbulent few months ahead for the Catholic Church.

But a few vacation months for some sore, stressed-out teenage altar boys.