Accelerating particles, or accelerating us all to Hell?

An eminent Frodologist scientist, author of The Large Hadron Collider: State-Sponsored Witchcraft, has made waves in the press recently for lambasting the world’s largest particle accelerator as a portent of doom. And if you think I’m exaggerating, you should read his award-winning article published in Scientific American, “Excessively Verbose use of Language as a Portent of Doom”. Truly enthralling stuff.

And while we agree that these magic tricks going on deep underground in a tunnel in Switzerland will probably spell the end for our existence, we don’t necessarily agree with his conclusion. See, ‘doom’ is such a messy, negative, unscientific word. Officially, Frodology much prefers use of the emotively neutral ‘Apocalypse’. Well, technically we call it the Frodocalypse.

Why are we looking forward to the Frodocalypse? Because through embracing the opportunity to contribute our own paltry masses to the phenomenal density of the black hole that will suck us thither, we will be bound to a land of Good & Plenty. No, wait, they’re sold by Hershey’s. Bread and honey? Milk and honey? Wine and cheese? It doesn’t matter. We will enter a land of bounty, despite the logical contradictions involved therewith. It is said that Frodo promised that, on their deaths, believers would receive seventy-two Virgin Atlantic Flying Club points.

In any case, the race to the Apocalypse is heating up out there, and considering some of the alternatives to the Frodocalypse, we’re confident that most people would prefer our version of paradise. In the States, black people nationwide are agitating for the Tupacalypse, while Hassidic Jews are preparing for a very curly Sidelockalypse. And in the belfries of rural Ireland, cries can be heard of Holyfockalypse!

Cynics note that, at least scientifically speaking, there is minimal chance of the Big Bang reoccurring, and very probably, life will carry on as usual. But I’ve been thinking. Christian creationists criticize the theory for being unable to explain what came before it. Who created the Big Bang? It seems obvious now that the only possible candidate is Frodo. That’s right. Frodo created the Big Bang. You might say he banged and he banged big. But he doesn’t want us to know. No, because how Frodo bangs is his little secret. It’s personal. So when these conjurers manage to smash some dust particles together, as is my understanding of the process, Frodo will go Dr Strangelove on our asses.

Thus it came as a tragic shock today to learn that the LHC is temporarily disabled while it undergoes repairs. Surely, we must be calm and patient as we sit and contemplate the approaching End of Days. But at the same time, it worries me that the LHC will never fully get going. Something about the project smacks of underachievement. This Hadron, for one, is a dubious choice to pilot the tests. His last public works project, Hadron’s Wall, failed to keep the Scots out of England and now sits a very unimposing three feet off the ground. And what’s this about shooting particles around at almost the speed of light? Gee, that’s almost impressive.

So, unfortunately, we are forced to conclude that, however desirable it may be, there will be no Big Bang, and there will be no Frodocalypse. Nor will there be any free upgrades on Virgin Atlantic, or an extra ten kilos of luggage allowance. Life tomorrow will be much like life was two months ago. Except that our savings will have evaporated and our bankers will be unemployed.

Snap.