Today broke with the news that Frodo’s Minions on Earth are considering legal action to stop the proposed translation of The Lord of the Rings from Elvish into any other language. The action is in response to increasing clamors from the unwashed masses to make The Book more accessible, since, they argue, fewer and fewer people speak Elvish. Following only weeks after the colossal box office failure of the Elvish-language only The Passion of the Frodo, many see this as a petty response by The Faith’s leaders to reassert Frodology as relevant in the post-industrial age.
The news comes as a particular surprise to legions of fans who think they have read Tolkien’s magnum opus in English and other base languages. When questioned, however, at least half of these feigned confusion and then remembered that they had only seen the movies. When pushed further, it was revealed that the average respondent was unaware that his rack of DVDs was not a bookshelf. This is arguably evidence that, despite Bush administration propaganda to the contrary, one or more children may have been left behind.
Literate fans who think they have read The Book have unfortunately been duped, since no authorized translations exist, ISBN numbers notwithstanding. Frodologist investigators believe the illicit copies to be the work of warring Somali clans, who are abandoning piracy on the high seas in droves to cash in on the much more profitable Frodo paraphernalia market which has emerged in the wake of Frodology’s march across the globe.
Frodology leaders oppose the translation efforts since Elvish has always been the true language of Frodo, despite the fact that he did not speak it, did not respect it, and is believed by some sources to have been persecuted by the Elves. Some ex-Frodologists call this ‘co-opting’ a Messiah. We call that heresy, and we don’t recommend it.
The danger in reading illicit translations is of course that Frodo’s followers need proper guidance. Through reading the source material for themselves, they might inadvertently take different interpretations and draw the wrong conclusions. We would like to remind readers that where there is scope for being wrong, it is wisest for their souls and their more corporeal selves to simply abide by the divine shepherding of Frodo’s unelected Minions on Earth. With heresy at an all time high, a low profile is quickly becoming the season’s must have accessory.
There is a second danger in reading unauthorized translations that Frodologists should be aware of. Due to a peculiar loophole in the law, that is, all laws, everywhere, reading an illegal version is a more serious crime than publishing and profiting from one. The gravity accorded to the crime is clearly a result of widespread recognition of the importance of Frodo’s word remaining exclusively in Elvish. Frodologist leaders were heard to thank Hollywood for setting a precedent by spearheading the effort to catch, fine, and imprison the purveyors of pirated films, rather than bother with the colonies of midgets responsible for producing them.
So-called Frodologists in support of authorized translations have already been excommunicated from the church and branded with ‘communist’ on their foreheads. Frodologist leaders feel these measures are justified and would not characterize them as ‘heavy-handed’. ‘Middle’ or ‘not so bad-handed’ maybe, but certainly not 'heavy' or any of its derivatives. Said leaders assured Frodologists that it was for the integrity of The Faith. They cannot envision it occasioning any sort of split, and are totally unaware of any precedent that would point to the contrary.