Sun angry God credited for beautiful sunsets

The sun spoke out today for the first time about the increasing number of its beautiful sunsets which are being attributed to God. The outburst occurred today at a Mormon wedding reception in Oahu, Hawaii. Witnesses agree that it occurred shortly after the mother of the bride exclaimed that the sheer beauty of the sky's celestial palette reassured her of God's magnanimous beneficence and reinforced her devotion to Him. Actually, it was more like "gee, that sunset sure is super. It really makes me feel closer to the Lord Jesus Christ. Like I feel like I really know him when I see that."

Confused onlookers admitted to being surprised to hear the voice coming from above. Not knowing any better, they attributed it to God, only angering the sun more.

The sun was pissed

Later on the sun calmed down and tried to explain the nature of its grievances. It became clear that he does not understand why the credit for all his hard work is continually given to God. Frustrated at the lack of appreciation, the sun finally decided to speak out. "Who is this 'God' anyway? I've never even met the guy, but I'm up there all the time in the sky working my ass off. People show their friends their holiday snaps, and it's 'God' again. I'm right there in the freakin' picture!"


The sun alleges that is him there in the freakin' picture, not God

With the sun setting somewhere on Earth during every second of the day, the frequency of mistaken praise received by God must be enormous, and the sun's chagrin should perhaps not come as a surprise. The sun wanted to make it clear that he is not angry at God per se, but he certainly feels He could be doing more to set the record straight. "At least humans have dropped the whole Apollo thing. I'm not a deity, I'm just a flaming ball of gas."

The sun believes that taking all the credit when something goes right smacks of double standards when everything’s just sort of ho hum the rest of the time.


Three notes in harmony

The sun’s angry outcry against the Almighty follows on the footsteps of other disenfranchised groups such as the Coalition of Independent Ova and Snowflakes for an Atheist Tomorrow. A representative for CIO explained that many ova worldwide feel that they deserve more attention for the role they play in creating foetuses. “Conception? Yep, that’s us. Babies’ smiles? Us again. Haven’t a clue why people think God has anything to do with it. Never even met the guy.”

Frodo however spoke out on behalf of God. "Yeah, he could be doing more, and I'll grant you he's not perfect. But he is pretty old, and in spite of that he's doing a reasonable job. Plus you can't really blame him for pulling out of Michigan. It was a lost cause." At this point the interviewer asked Frodo what the hell he was talking about. "Oh, I thought you were talking about Senator McCain." When prompted about God, Frodo admitted "actually, I've never even met the guy."

God was not available for comment.

Religious beliefs protected by secret forcefield

Researchers at the University of Chicago reported today their findings that religious beliefs are protected by a secret forcefield. The discovery is a breakthrough as it goes a long way to explaining a question which has consistently troubled academics. Political views, culinary trends, African American baby names, and musical preferences are all considered by most to be debatable and dissectible in the public forum. Whence the invulnerability of religious dogma?

The Force be with you

How the defense mechanism was discovered is currently the question most frequently fielded by the team. The breakthrough occurred during a debate hosted by Temple University on the matter of evolution v. intelligent design. When, halfway through the debate, the representative for evolution asked “how do you explain the fact that vestigial leg bones in whales clearly show the gradual loss of posterior limbs across the fossil record, in favor of fins more suited for submarine locomotion?”, his opposite number exclaimed “spatula!” and began to whistle the theme from NBC’s Cheers. Spectators described seeing a green flash, and then reported a cozy sensation as they unanimously accepted his rebuttal.

The nature of the forcefield is hard to fathom by those who have not experienced it. Protected individuals describe it as a warm, fuzzy feeling of self-righteousness, not unlike being drunk. Long term forcefield enthusiast Janet Gates described it as far preferable to being without a field. “Once you’re protected, you no longer have to think for yourself. We all just sort of hold hands and pray, knowing nothing can ever harm us”.

The researchers were also quick to warn that they suspect the forcefield to be deflective, in that the energy of an assault on it can bounce off in any direction at all. Singed Danish ambassadors have remarked that they were surprised that lighthearted jokes which they didn't even make ricocheted off the forcefield and burned down their embassies.

Strength in numbers

Interestingly, the strength of the forcefield seems to depend proportionally on the popularity of the belief. Thus, claiming over 33% of the world’s population for itself, Christianity enjoys a forcefield 63% stronger than that of Islam, which represents only 20.3%. While a Mormon spokesman argued today that their forcefield was strengthening faster than any other religion, this view has been derided by the University’s team. The team’s leader, Professor Jeffrey Spencer, qualified the findings by saying that:

“About 97% of the Mormon growth rate is attributable to extreme levels of breeding within the faith, known as hyperprogenization. Two percent of converted Mormons are thought to be barnyard animals, and there is a one percent margin of error. Since converted followers comprise only zero percent, we can conclude that Mormon views are not at all popular. Relying on that 97% to strengthen your defenses is like raising yourself by your own bootstraps”.

He concluded by saying that Mormon beliefs are thus completely open for ridicule. “It’s like a turkey shoot”.

A force to be reckoned with

The discovery of the forcefield could be just the answer for politicians trying to shore up their credibility. A junior senator from Texas has admitted that the Republican Party is considering adopting heraldry and arcane rituals to increase the chances of it surviving after imminent defeat on Election Day. But junior senators anxious about this strategy are resorting to proliferating ‘In God We Trust’ wall hangings around the Capitol by way of extra insurance.


A believer demonstrating the forcefield

Frodo is reportedly pleased with the discovery. Having lost His invisibility after destroying the Ring of Power, He has had to make do with His own wits and rhetorical skills. But the prospect of invincibility is tantalizing, and He believes it will go great with His magical elvish cloak.

Pope Benedict XVI to Star in Hollow Man 3

Fans of the Hollow Man film franchise were surprised today when Columbia Pictures announced it would cast Pope Benedict XVI in the supporting role of the third installment, due to be released next February. Both of them have written letters to the studio protesting the choice as uninspired and predictable. Why Hollow Man 3, they ask? Because apparently Hollow Man 2 came out two years ago, without anybody noticing.

Director Ted Walsh was quick to defend the choice of the Pope. "In the previous two films, we took a very literal approach to the whole idea of being hollow. With this one we want to explore hollowness from a more metaphorical angle". Walsh feels that the audience will be able to relate to the Pope on this level since they are used to his empty promises and the hollow foundations on which his religion is based. "What good is the threat of punishment in the afterlife", he asks, "when most people don't plan to have one?"

A tangle with the producers has however forced Walsh into a compromise with regards to how the Pope will be portrayed. Hesitant to overestimate their audience's intelligence, they have convinced Walsh to portray the pope as actually hollow.



Viewers will of course remember the Pope from his teenage performance in the Hitler Youth. While some moviegoers have expressed concern that the Pope has limited acting experience, Walsh spoke out in support of the choice. "He's done a pretty good job so far convincing tons of Catholics that someone's up there watching their every move, you know, like Santa Claus or something. He almost had me believing my sperm had souls for a while. He's good, you know. Really good". Walsh also voiced his opinion that this role will be a change of pace for the Pope and will help to avoid him being typecast in the grumpy old man role.

Pope Benedict will be playing the role of an elderly, jaded hollow man, as the reluctant mentor to a young, upstart hollow teen, to be played by Shia LeBeouf. At first unwilling to leave retirement, the Pope's character decides to shepherd LeBeouf's as he begins to see what damage hollowness can wreak in untrained hollow hands. Under the Pope's guidance, LeBeouf sees how he can gain the unwitting trust of a solid society for his own personal hollow gratification, without offering them anything in return. Asked whether there was a positive moral to be drawn from the story, Walsh assured reporters that no, there was not. "You might say it's a hollow film".

A spokesman for the Pope said that he was excited to be working alongside LeBeouf, although he was reportedly disappointed to learn that the young actor is now legally an adult. The Pope has also expressed interest in playing the role of Frodo in a potential fourth installment of The Lord of the Rings. "I like the whole patriarchal, savior role," he said yesterday, "but I get tired of this whole Pope gig. It would be nice to play a more believable role. You know, something historical, something important". Asked whether he thought the lack of anything new to bring to the audience would hinder the development of a fourth Rings movie, he joked "it hasn't stopped Catholicism!"

Some Christians are wondering whether casting the Pope in such a flippant role constitutes blasphemy, or at least a cheapening of the Vatican brand. Actor Mel Gibson has however helped to dispel these fears by assuring followers that it's not about slander. "What's important for the faith is that people see me as a Jew-hater. I really do hate them, you know".



Photo of Pope Benedict XVI used under creative commons license, and reproduced and adapted lawfully thereunder. The original author of the photo does not endorse the adaptation in any way. See here for details.

Satellite finds end of space

Frodologists have been forced to re-examine their world view following some recent developments from above. In a mission designed to explore space beyond our solar system, NASA launched a satellite, named "Are We Still Calling Them Voyager or Explorer or What?", from its facility in Cape Canaveral three years ago.

It became apparent a few days ago, however, that the mission had come to an end much earlier than expected. Following a large crashing noise and a sudden deceleration of the satellite from 840,000 mph to zero, it is believed that the AWSCTVEW has reached the end of the universe. NASA scientists were reported to be "surprised" that the satellite had accomplished its task so quickly. That there is an end of the universe, and that it seems to be demarcated by some sort of big wall, was described as "an interesting development".

A big wall

Scientists are turning to reels of data to try and determine exactly what happened. A source inside NASA leaked that the last communication from the satellite exclaimed that "everything's starting to look pretty samey". The satellite then began to whistle "The Long and Winding Road" up until the crash. Engineers at mission control are thoroughly perplexed by this, since they had believed it to be an unmanned mission. The team responsible for on board electronics responded to queries by admitting that they had outsourced the job to Bangalore, but maintain that they are shocked by the choice to swap the computer out for a human being.

The satellite has been out of contact since it arrived at the big wall. The location of the wall is especially surprising for scientists since it appears to be situated in space, an area of the universe previously thought to be empty of walls. NASA has released an artist’s impression of the celestial obstruction.


NASA was reportedly impressed with the quality of masonry

Not everyone believes the wall to be the end of space. Starbucks CEO Jim Foley noted that it could easily be one of their franchises. “We’ve got new branches opening pretty much everywhere”. While he didn’t have the details at hand, he said that opening a new branch beyond the Oort Cloud would be “entirely commensurate” with their corporate strategy.

Rethinking dogma

The implications for Frodologists are far reaching. That the satellite got so far is clear indication that the universe is actually larger than we believed. Indeed, it now seems undeniable that space stretches beyond Mars, at the very least. However, we see no reason to question the principle that the world is flat as the mission offers no compelling evidence otherwise.

Frodology is not the only religion rethinking its place in the new zeitgeist. A Vatican spokesman said “It’s like a party in here at the moment. Scientists have been telling us for centuries that the universe is infinite and chances are we’re not at the center of it. But now they find this wall! We’re elated. Benny’s been breaking out all these old maps with the sun revolving around the Earth. Venus is there too. It’s great. Oh and we’ve already put a copy of The Truman Show in the mail to NASA. Psych!”

NASA scientists are already discussing a new mission to send a satellite with a chisel and hammer to the wall to break a hole in it and see what’s on the other side. Religious leaders around the globe are unanimously against the proposal, the unspoken reason being a belief that their god or gods are probably resident behind the wall. A Frodlogist leader had this to say:

“We’re fairly confident that Frodo is behind that wall, but we are completely against the mission to knock a hole in it. It would be like breaking into the teacher’s lounge. I think Frodo would be pretty cheesed off if we tried”.

Wall of sound

Among those to subscribe to NASA’s email updates on the wall is Roger Waters, formerly of Pink Floyd, who has expressed interest in using the wall for a gig “within the next year or two”. He may have difficulty, however, since slaves in Bono's Kilkenny sweatshop are already churning out "Don't Exploit the Wall" t-shirts. Teaming up with the Irish rocker is Bob Geldof. While talk of Wall-Aid is rife in the blogosphere, Geldof has denied interest, admitting that he wants to spend more time in the studio thinking of ludicrous names for his children.

Virgins – just how hard is it for them to give birth?

Part II of the I Believe in Miracles series, or "I don't believe in this one"

Over the past few months, we haven't spent too much time trying to debunk other religions' creation myths and basic tenets because we want to be a positive, constructive influence in the world. Well, besides lambasting all other faiths for their comparative infancy, criticizing Catholicism for being so harmful to the environment, showing how Christians have the wrong end of the stick when it comes to homosexuality (heh), bashing the Vatican for its love of genocide and snobbish elitism, proving conclusively that Jesus has insufficient blood to feed his greedy followers, and arguing forcefully that creationism has got it all wrong when it comes to dinosaurs, it hasn't been too much time at all.

But today we're going to divert from our usual non-confrontational stance and address an issue which has recently come to our attention. Thanks to the crafty infiltration of a Frodologist spy into a service last Sunday, we have learned that Christians believe that Jesus was born of his virgin mother. That probably needs repeating. They think Jesus, a man, popped from the uterus of a woman who had never, ever been in a position to get so much as indecent, let alone pregnant.

Generally of the opinion that only pregnant women give birth to human babies, our trusty team of scientists set off on another mission to discover just how easy it is for a virgin to give birth. To that end, they followed around a group of purity ring-wearing teenagers for a week. Following a minute misunderstanding with the police and a hairy overnight stint in jail, their first discovery was that it's probably a good idea to ask someone's permission before following children around with binoculars and a camera. Undeterred, they felt triumphant when one of the chaste little teens did fall pregnant. If it really is so easy, what's so great about Jesus?

Disappointment then struck our heroic team when one scientist stumbled across the Wikipedia entry for purity rings and discovered that they are in fact just fashion accessories which could only be worn with less sincerity had they come from a cereal box. No immaculate conception, no miracle baby, and more to the point, no virgin.

The team then surmised that there were two possible conclusions. First, Mary was a virgin and thus there was no Jesus. While we're absolutely titillated by the track that train of thought could lead us down, we must admit the second possible outcome has equal merit. That is that Mary was more seasoned than the Gospels would have us believe. Perhaps she had an acquaintance in the Nazareth Postal Service. Maybe her name wasn't even Mary, but Mary the Harlot. Regardless, if Christians want to believe she gave birth, they have a hard truth to swallow.


Scientists suspect the culprit looked something like this... a 90s computer mouse

Immaculate conception, really? You know what would be more immaculate? Fertilization. Some Christians argue that it's a metaphor. That's right. A metaphor for a load of crap. Plus it sort of defeats the purpose of a metaphor when you proceed to take all of the conclusions that follow as literal fact. Obviously back when the Bible was scrabbled together from bits of irrelevant folkore and the inside cover of the Lonely Planet guide to Tel Aviv, sex education was somewhat lacking. Perhaps people thought virgin births were possible then. But since that time we've learned to wear sunscreen to prevent skin cancer and to run away from volcanoes when the island gods get angry. I feel like there's scope for improvement in the whole virgin birth department.

There is of course a third solution. Once again, it could have been a miracle.

But that's total bull: everyone knows only hobbits can immaculately conceive.

Frodassic Park

Dinosaurs have long been a sticking point for creationists ever since they entered stage left in the 19th Century and started taking Victorian logic for a joy ride. It’s been wildly entertaining watching Christians pour through the Bible ever since, trying to account for how these petrified skeletons could have ended up on Earth when, as everyone knows, the planet is no more than 10,000 years old.

Here is a selection of a few favorite chestnuts:

• Since God created every creature on the 6th day, He must have created Dinosaurs that day too. He was just a little preoccupied when he wrote it all down later and neglected to tell anyone about it.
  
• Before Adam & Eve’s little transgression, all animals were vegetarian and none died, making the choice of claws and sharp, pointy teeth purely an aesthetic one.
  
• Two of every kind of dinosaur found their way onto Noah’s Ark, having presumably discovered a way to improve the vessel’s buoyancy first.
  
• Having survived the flood, they sort of just, well, died out, in a manner much more precise and conclusive than that suggested by evolutionists. One possible candidate behind the extinction is hunting by man, despite the fact that the latter had just been decimated by unseasonal floodtides too, and presumably wouldn’t have risked the survival of their own species by hunting creatures with 12 inch-long teeth.

Feel free to check the accuracy of these summations at answersingenesis.org. Incidentally, if all the answers are in Genesis, presumably that makes the rest of the Bible redundant.

Frodology does not take this route. We do not attempt to squeeze a whole epoch of capricious, prickly reptiles into the pages of a book where they have no wish to be. It would be like trying to make a monkey wear a hat that’s too small. As nice as it might look, it just wouldn’t fit. The fact is that Frodo spent his time on Earth with some pretty crazy looking creatures, but we can’t conscionably call any of them dinosaurs.

Instead, what Frodologist scientists have realized is that dinosaurs are actually totally fake. Indeed, early classifiers must have agreed, as ‘dinosaur’ is Latin for ‘just a pile of bones’. Their sudden appearance in skeletal form in the 1820s seems just a little transparent. Have you ever noticed how the combination of an alligator, a giraffe, a rhino, and something with a really long tail looks kind of like a dinosaur?


Looks kind of like a dinosaur

Paleontology isn’t even a genuine discipline, as it was invented by Joseph Smith in the middle of the 19th Century following the issue of a warrant for his arrest for fraud. At that juncture in his life, Smith was between cons and beginning to despair of ever parting thousands of gullible people from their cash. He initially coined the word ‘paleontology’ to cash in on the dinosaur craze, but later abandoned it to focus on starting Mormonism, as even he felt that the deceit was a little insidious.

But no one can get away with such an ambitious hoax indefinitely. In the end, it was the Victorian appetite for the ridiculous that gave the game away to our team of scientists. In an era where all walks of life readily swallowed ideas as preposterous as cure-all elixirs, Dracula, socialism and penicillin, is it any surprise that dinosaurs were readily accepted as plausible? Of course all of those ideas are totally preposterous by modern standards, dinosaurs included. Even the names are a bit loopy. Stegosaurus? Sounds like a plastic toy. Velociraptor? Yeah, it's fast, we get it. The same goes for the megalosaurus, tyrannosaurus, and thesaurus. If those wily tricksters had set the bar of credulity just a little lower, we might still count ourselves amongst the duped.

I just thought you should know.

Dyslexic voters unconvinced about Sarah Palin and Tall

Reassuring news has been thin on the ground for Frodologists supporting the Republican Presidential ticket. Some McCain staffers are attributing it to the unpopularity among dyslexic voters of Mrs Palin, the Vice Presidential candidate. Many are unfortunately confusing her with the fictional character Sarah Plain and Tall, and consequently losing interest in anything she has to say about politics.

Still others are leaning left since they are unsure whether Mrs Palin herself is a fictional character. Many believe that her uncanny inability to answer any question posed and bullish opposition to intelligent dialogue is actually a crude attempt at satire by the Democratic Party. Certain that the Republican Party would never be foolish enough to put forward such a mannequin of a candidate, undecided voters are still waiting for the real vice presidential nominee to be announced.

Other groups of traditionally staunch Republicans are faltering in their support for the VP hopeful since they couldn’t dissect the quip about pit bulls wearing lipstick. The general consensus among these voters is now that Mrs Palin is a supporter of homosexual dog fighting rings. Her strongest base is consequently comprised of weekend bestiality enthusiasts, namely the pressure group Canophiles for Palin.

Another source of confusion for voters is Mrs Palin’s constant references to herself and her running mate as ‘mavericks’. While this moniker itself appeals to America’s legions of would-be gunslingers, supporters are baffled by the total absence in the race of Tom Cruise.

Mrs Palin is arguably doing nothing to woo dyslexics. They have been barred from Republican rallies across the country after accidentally screwing up a “U-S-A! U-S-A!” chant by constantly misspelling it. As the respite from cheering allowed independent thought to re-establish itself, the hall emptied as crowds filtered through the exits.

Furthermore, her responses in interviews to nearly everything barring ‘knock knock’ jokes have been totally unintelligible. Her position on healthcare, taken from a recent interview, is that “it’s great, you know, because what John McCain has said, and what I have said, is that, with job creation, we can make sure the Russians stay out of Wall Street – and Main Street – I want to emphasize that, it’s just as important that they hunt down the terrorists there on Main Street as it is on Wally’s Street – and the enemies of America and its allies won’t stand a towelhead’s prayer of stopping Tina Fey”. Senator McCain later issued yet another statement assuring voters that he never, ever said that.

Her position was obfuscated by a later attempt to explain what she meant by “towelhead’s prayer”. She said: “Oh, you know, a lot of people have jumped on that, pointing their fingers and saying it’s um… I don’t know, you know… [Reporter: “racist?”] … Yeah, racist, I guess is the word. See, it’s just a little ditty we use up in Alaska. Because, the maritime border that we have between our airspace, and Barack Obama’s airspace, I mean I can see it from my house, and it’s given me a lot of experience in raising a family”.

On the other hand, pundits argue that her inability to speak English is forgivable in a state where most government jobs are held by moose. Plus, support from stalwart conservative Republicans remains as unwavering as ever, since her position on the ‘Big Three’ remains clear. Mrs Palin wants to allow baby Jesus to carry a gun. Or she wants to gun down Jesus’ baby. Or maybe Jesus gunned down a baby, and she wants to keep it quiet. I forget which. It’s not important.

However, the one positive for concerned Frodologists in all this is that not all undecided voters will be voting for the Democratic ticket, because Diben isn't a word.

Jesus - out of blood by now?

Part I of the I Believe in Miracles series

Frodologist scientists inadvertently made great inroads into explaining the Christian faith today. Long puzzled by the sustainability of Christian hematophagy, the team first began by searching for hidden blood reserves. When this proved fruitless, they then followed up reports that the statue of Christ the Redeemer in Rio de Janeiro was actually a massive vessel of the vintage red stuff. At first discounting the theory as ridiculous, since the statue clearly wasn’t a ship, they then discovered a second meaning of the word, and set off for Brazil.

The team began to search for a giant tap, dubbed the ‘holy spigot’, which they hypothesized would be used to access the holy blood. When no tap could be found, however, the theory was abandoned for the much more logical conclusion that Jesus is permanently attached to a blood transfusion machine. Red Cross confidentiality being what it is, the scientists were at a loss as to how to begin the search.

It was then that the breakthrough occurred. The team went back to basics and began crunching numbers. They reasoned that the average human adult has approximately 5 L of blood in their system at a given time. Discovering then that each communion sip measures in at around 10 mL, they concluded that Jesus would be completely drained of blood within just 500 sips. Even with a robust immune system and healthy bone marrow, they found it would be impossible to replenish the requisite amount in the weekly ten minute orgiastic bloodletting that is a Catholic communion. Even with a small congregation, Jesus would struggle to feed it all before becoming a useless fleshy sack of bones. And that’s ignoring the thousands of years for which Catholics have practiced the art of vampirism.

Some Catholics argue that Jesus isn’t exsanguinated on a weekly basis because wine is simply transformed into blood before each communion. But that seems strange. Grape DNA hasn’t been irradiated into human DNA since that episode of The Simpsons that never got made because the plot was too absurd.

This track of reasoning has led the team of Frodologist scientists to an uncomfortable conclusion. Since Jesus’ seemingly inexhaustible supply of blood is inexplicable by science, it is clearly the result of a miracle. As an alternative to science, miracles of course benefit from enormous explanatory power. They can tie a premise to any conceivable conclusion without the tedium of scientific investigation, and best of all, are unassailable by critics. Anything seen as preposterous by science is much more easily swallowed when it becomes a miracle.

This inadvertent discovery thus bolstered Christianity’s hold on humanity. There are however two positive outcomes for Frodology in all this. First, through harnessing the efficacy of miracles, the team was able to reanimate the petrified corpse of Frodo’s pet ferret, Mungo, from orange peels and old newspapers. The scientists offered their thanks to Frodo that miracles are so egalitarian and non-discriminatory in their performances.

The second outcome is that, thanks to the abovementioned miracle, Catholics really are gorging themselves on blood every Sunday. The unavoidable conclusion is that, having supped from the blood of Christ, the original poster child for the resurrected undead, all Catholics have forsaken their bodies and souls to join Jesus’ burgeoning army of vampires. This makes them fair game for silver bullets and sharpened stakes wherever they’re found. In response to the study, Alan Greenspan recommended garlic to futures traders as a sound investment this quarter.

The 2008 Messiah Debates: Frodo v Yoda

The race to become the next Chosen One heated up yesterday as the 2008 Messiah Debates kicked off in Baltimore, MD. While they were originally scheduled to be held in Mississippi, the venue was moved at the last minute to be closer to Washington D.C., as both participants felt the pressing need to be closer to the nation’s capital in this time of financial crisis. Quite why this was is unclear, as neither holds a US passport, much less a position with the federal government, and after last night, it’s quite obvious neither of them really has a clue how the economy works.

Last night’s debate was moderated by the always ineffective and self-obsessed Larry King.

Transcript

Larry King: Well we ran over budget on the decorations and totally unnecessary emergency change of venue, so we couldn’t hire another guy to do the introductions. I guess that one’s down to me, even though everyone knows I’m an interviewer, and it’s not really my job. Geez… First is a man revered worldwide for his great work and lifelong commitment to improving society. He is loved by the rich and poor alike. He is friends with presidents and has his portrait on children’s nightstands. His very presence resonates for miles around, and a radiant aura precedes him. Ladies and gentlemen, he is a man who needs no introduction. Well, that seems a little belated now... May I have the pleasure of introducing to you tonight… Larry King!

…

Ok, let’s get this show on the road. Yoda, Frodo. Frodo, Yoda. Froda & Yodo, audience. Audience, Frododo.

My first question is for Mr. Yoda. What makes you think you’re qualified to be anyone’s messiah, much less, The Messiah?

Yoda: If messiah I am, news to me this is. Humble is the Jedi’s life. Ambition, greed, power: jealousy these cause, and anger too. Hatr-

Larry: If I could just stop you right there. I’m going to have to ask you to speak normally. People are already getting up to leave.

Yoda: Patience should my subjects have, or anger it will cause. And lead you down a dark path anger will, and abandon you to hatred, hmm. [Clears throat] Excuse me Larry, to answer your question, I’m all about transparency. Transparency and accountability: they’re key. My followers have seen my films. They know I’m a stand up guy, even though I might not stand very high! [Laughs]. But seriously, I’m a bit of a Christ figure, and I think people can relate to that.

Larry: Yes, very modest. The same question, Mr. Frodo?

Frodo: Well, Larry, I think my accomplishments speak for themselves. I walked to Mordor. Walked to Mordor. By myself. And destroyed the One Ring. I destroyed it.

Larry: … I think we were all under the impression that you had some help…

Frodo: By myself.

Larry: … and that you road a horse at least some of the way…

Frodo: Walked. On these short legs. All the way.

Larry: … and I’m pretty sure there was a boat at one point…

Frodo: With respect Larry, you weren’t there. I was. Me. You destroy Sauron’s ring, we’ll talk. But ‘til then, that’s how it went down.

Larry: 'With respect', right. Well you certainly have stamina, I’ll give you that. But is that enough to be The Messiah?

Frodo: Don’t forget the whole resurrection thing.

Larry: Wasn’t that Jesus?

Frodo: I cured that one guy’s leprosy.

Larry: Jesus again.

Frodo: And I survived being stabbed by a cave troll. A cave troll, Larry.

Larry: I seem to remember something about a bullet-proof vest, or stab-proof at least…

Frodo: So taken together, I think it’s easy for people to see how godlike I really am.

Larry: … and then you spent the whole of the next day bent doubled over retching. Yes, well, perhaps we could focus on defense. Mr. Yoda, we’re stuck fighting two wars that don’t seem to be going as smoothly as one unnamed president’s slightly premature ‘mission accomplished’ speech would have us believe. With the economy as it is, increasing defense spending doesn’t seem to be an option. What is your position?

Yoda: Wit and cunning a Jedi needs, and these things he can only get from the Force. Greedy, your President is, hmm. Victory comes not through impatience. Anger only will he find down that road. Embraced by the dark side, will he be.

Larry: Some might accuse you of being vague.

Yoda: More troops, Kabul needs. Introduce mandatory conscription, we must. Ages 16-55, hmm.

Larry: Your response, Mr. Frodo?

Frodo: Is it too late to ask you to call me Lord Frodo?

Larry: Yes.

Frodo: Fine. Larry, the problem is really very simple. We need to find Bin Laden’s Ring of Power, take it to Mount Doom, and destroy it. And I think everyone will agree I’m the messiah for job, having extensive experience in that field already.

Larry: How do we know Bin Laden even has a ring? A Ring of Power, that is?

Frodo: I heard it on CNN. Bin Laden has a Ring, a Ring from which he draws all his support and power.

Larry: Are you sure they weren’t referring to a ring of confidants? You know, trusted advisors? Like a campfire circle?

Frodo: …. Ohhh. Yeah, that would probably make more sense.

Larry: Well what do you propose we do now?

Frodo: Sorry Larry, I have no idea. We could still throw them in a volcano I guess.

Larry: … that might work. Ok, let’s talk about the economy. It’s a mess. The government's $700 billion bail out package was rejected. Would you support a revised package, Mr. Yoda?

Yoda: Honest a life is, if money it is without. The source of greed, money is, hmm. And greed leads only to jealousy, and anger, hmm. To hatred, does the dark road of anger lead.

Larry: I think the audience has probably heard enough about hatred.

Yoda: The dark side, I sense in you.

Larry: Bite me.

Frodo: If I may, Larry, I would like to ask Mr. Yoda to clarify his position. Are you saying we don’t need money?

Yoda: A Jedi needs only the Force, and money it provides not, I think. Hmm.

Larry: Well that’s fine for you, but I have a mortgage, kids to put through grad school, my HMO to pay for! Isn't your position a little untenable?

[Audience grumbles]

Yoda: Hmm, Jedi [Sound of light saber extending]

[Grumbling increases, sporadic hisses]

Larry: Alright, calm down. Quiet, quiet... Mr. Frodo, perhaps you can give us your opinion.

Frodo: Well Kent-

Larry: Larry.

Frodo: Larry. Again, it’s simple. Our physical policy is totally irresponsible. Everyone’s focused on lending, but hasn’t anyone ever heard of giving? And people are complaining about losing their homes, but I see it as a great way to get back in touch with nature. Also, taxes only make people angry, so I think we should scrap them altogether to really bring some clarity to our physical policy.

Larry: … excuse me, physical policy, you keep saying that. What is that?

Frodo: You know, physical policy. Money and junk.

Larry: Oh, fiscal policy.

Frodo: Right, that’s what I said. Physical policy.

Larry: Tremendous. Right, let’s turn to the last topic on our list, religion. Mr. Yoda, some argue the role of messiah is already over-subscribed. How can you distinguish yourself?

Yoda: In touch with my subjects’ needs, I am, King Larry. Good relations with the human race, have I.

Larry: But, Mr. Yoda, you weren’t even born on this planet. You’re thousands of years old. I mean, you inhabit an entirely different and parallel fictional universe! How is this debate even taking place?! I think the audience is going to want more than existentialist forays into whimsical thought experiments as justification for total suspension of their disbelief.

Yoda: If believe my audience cannot, then fail themselves they will. [Light saber extends again]

[Audience hisses]

Larry: Ok I'm going to have to ask you to put that away. So you’re asking the audience to just believe everything you say. You want them to simply believe that you exist, despite giving no real evidence as to why they should, other than a vague threat of harm if they don’t?

Yoda: A Jesus figure I said I was, hmm.

Larry: Touché. Mr. Frodo, how would you respond to the criticism that people who look like space freaks and ten year old children aren’t fit for being The Messiah?

Frodo: I would say ‘screw them’, Larry.

Larry: ‘Screw them’?

Frodo: [coughs] … Yes.

Larry: Right, well it looks like we’ve covered pretty much everything tonight. It’s been an illuminating debate, although I can’t quite understand why we’re even having a debate, since neither is being voted for, and neither can properly be called a candidate. In fact, the whole thing seems contrived and just slightly improbable. Like a self-indulgent attempt at social commentary through clichés and borderline copyright infringement. I mean, I'm sitting here talking to two narcissistic fictional characters when there's a Presidential election going on.

Frodo: Woah, woah, woah. Don't start going all righteous on me. You're the one who has your portrait on children's nightstands. That's kind of messed up.

Larry: I never-

Frodo: Yes you did. I heard you. Yoda heard you, the audience heard you. That's sick man, just sick. You need help. If you were one of my followers, we'd have you lopped and stopped.

Yoda: Hmmm... yes.

[Commotion as Larry King bounds from his seat and runs to the exit]

Frodologists Move to Block Translation of The Lord of the Rings

Today broke with the news that Frodo’s Minions on Earth are considering legal action to stop the proposed translation of The Lord of the Rings from Elvish into any other language. The action is in response to increasing clamors from the unwashed masses to make The Book more accessible, since, they argue, fewer and fewer people speak Elvish. Following only weeks after the colossal box office failure of the Elvish-language only The Passion of the Frodo, many see this as a petty response by The Faith’s leaders to reassert Frodology as relevant in the post-industrial age.

The news comes as a particular surprise to legions of fans who think they have read Tolkien’s magnum opus in English and other base languages. When questioned, however, at least half of these feigned confusion and then remembered that they had only seen the movies. When pushed further, it was revealed that the average respondent was unaware that his rack of DVDs was not a bookshelf. This is arguably evidence that, despite Bush administration propaganda to the contrary, one or more children may have been left behind.

Literate fans who think they have read The Book have unfortunately been duped, since no authorized translations exist, ISBN numbers notwithstanding. Frodologist investigators believe the illicit copies to be the work of warring Somali clans, who are abandoning piracy on the high seas in droves to cash in on the much more profitable Frodo paraphernalia market which has emerged in the wake of Frodology’s march across the globe.

Frodology leaders oppose the translation efforts since Elvish has always been the true language of Frodo, despite the fact that he did not speak it, did not respect it, and is believed by some sources to have been persecuted by the Elves. Some ex-Frodologists call this ‘co-opting’ a Messiah. We call that heresy, and we don’t recommend it.

The danger in reading illicit translations is of course that Frodo’s followers need proper guidance. Through reading the source material for themselves, they might inadvertently take different interpretations and draw the wrong conclusions. We would like to remind readers that where there is scope for being wrong, it is wisest for their souls and their more corporeal selves to simply abide by the divine shepherding of Frodo’s unelected Minions on Earth. With heresy at an all time high, a low profile is quickly becoming the season’s must have accessory.

There is a second danger in reading unauthorized translations that Frodologists should be aware of. Due to a peculiar loophole in the law, that is, all laws, everywhere, reading an illegal version is a more serious crime than publishing and profiting from one. The gravity accorded to the crime is clearly a result of widespread recognition of the importance of Frodo’s word remaining exclusively in Elvish. Frodologist leaders were heard to thank Hollywood for setting a precedent by spearheading the effort to catch, fine, and imprison the purveyors of pirated films, rather than bother with the colonies of midgets responsible for producing them.

So-called Frodologists in support of authorized translations have already been excommunicated from the church and branded with ‘communist’ on their foreheads. Frodologist leaders feel these measures are justified and would not characterize them as ‘heavy-handed’. ‘Middle’ or ‘not so bad-handed’ maybe, but certainly not 'heavy' or any of its derivatives. Said leaders assured Frodologists that it was for the integrity of The Faith. They cannot envision it occasioning any sort of split, and are totally unaware of any precedent that would point to the contrary.

Genocide - not that funny

The Catholic Church’s one saving grace has always been its sense of humor. That recent joke about blocking condom shipments to AIDS-ravaged parts of Africa was a real hoot, and we can only thank Frodo that the Pope was joking. However, not everything the Vatican does comes across as a trivial lark. Of particular relevance to this article, which is itself of no particular relevance to anything at the moment, was its harboring in 1994 of some of the perpetrators of the Rwandan Genocide.

In such a complex conflict choc full of guilty parties, it would be biased and unfair to dwell on the deplorable turpitude of just one. But it sure does suit our agenda. I think it suffices to say that sheltering persons responsible for the deaths of up to eight hundred thousand people is perhaps a little off color, if you’ll excuse the tasteless racial pun.

I just can’t see the funny side in it. There’s no visual gag, because the genocidaires were squirreled away so quickly upon arriving in Italy that they never even saw the sun. It’s almost like the Pope didn’t want anyone to know they were there. But that’s absurd. Perhaps he was being self-referentially ironic. After all, it is exactly the kind of vulgar stunt you’d expect the Holy See to pull. But then they actually went ahead and did it, and confused observers worldwide mistook the move for a serious, tasteless act. If the irony is so dense no one gets it, you’re just not being funny.

Another elementary mistake made by those tricksters on the Tiber was their timing. By failing to add that pregnant pause between the genocide itself and cozying up to the criminals responsible, the comic effect was reduced to nil. Some subjects are notorious for inherently carrying that significant silent beat, and the pure act of mentioning them causes laughs: North Korea, Jesus, nipples. This arguably does not apply to genocide. Also, while it’s sometimes necessary to push boundaries a little, on this occasion it was perhaps tactlessly too soon.

All of this means that the only thing they got right was the costumes. There is no occasion on which a grumpy old man running around in a dress and a silly hat, waving a pointy stick in the air, can fail to be funny. It’s kind of like dressing up your senile grandpa for Halloween. That so many people frequently turn out to humor him by listening to his mad ravings is truly adorable. What it had to do with the subject of the joke isn’t entirely clear, but you can probably chalk that one up to old age.

Occasionally some people need reminding that genocide just isn’t that funny.

Well, it’s about as funny as Sharia.

Cure for Homosexuality Found

Good news for gays and gay-haters alike today from the world of science as researchers believe they have found a cure for homosexuality. The cure is a serum in the form of a series of injections into the fatty tissue of the gluteus maximus. Taking it up the rear has puzzlingly been the only reliable method of administering the cure.

The serum has been synthesized from the DNA of non-gay monkeys, bringing an interesting panoply of animal rights and gay rights activists onto the streets outside the company’s facility today. While some protesters were generic supporters of any liberal cause and thus found themselves immobilized by their four-sided sandwich boards, most predictably started fighting each other as a result of being unable to decide which über liberal cause was more important.

Initial tests are proving positive. Every rat that received the serum has died, leading scientists to conclude that all rodents of the genus Rattus fantabulous are incurably gay. Homosexual monkeys are no longer showing signs of gayness either, but it may still be too early to tell. All test subjects are still in the state of inoculation known as the ‘coma’.

Scientists are however puzzled that despite finding the cure, HIV is still running rampant in every continent. Since it is widely held that the lethal virus was a punishment from God for tolerating homosexuality, the researchers had hoped that their efforts would be rewarded. Had they been able to curb the spread of HIV, they would have been eligible for the supremely rare Nobel Prize known as the ‘Twofer’.

One interesting conclusion that can be drawn from this study is that praying is apparently a total waste of time. Congregations across the United States have been praying for years that homosexuals be cured and their souls be redeemed. This has clearly been to no avail since all along the answer ironically lay in science, long the most unwelcome of bedfellows for Christians of all stripes.

This of course is a double-edged vindication of what Frodologists properly knew all along: homosexuality is curable but Christians are still wrong. Unfortunately this leaves legions of gay priests in an uncomfortable position. Those who were merely satisfied to tepidly pray for their own souls rather than face some hard truths will now be expected to take the serum and quite possibly die for their own convictions that they are baleful sinners.

It looks to be a turbulent few months ahead for the Catholic Church.

Frodology - not the KKK

We have received a large amount of flak recently for a comment made towards the end of a piece on the Republican Vice Presidential candidate, Sarah Palin. Specifically it relates to a statement about Barack Obama, the Democratic Presidential candidate. We assured readers that just because he was black it did not mean he is not a person too. We apologize if we unduly offended anyone. If we did, it was purely the result of a misunderstanding, and we retract the comment. Our official position is thus now that blacks are not people. We would like to thank Reggie Wayne Hicks of Pulaski, Tennessee, for bringing this to our attention.

Having said that, I would like to stress that Frodology is not the KKK. We’re just a loose religious affiliation based on the worship of our Supreme Lord and Master, to the exclusion of all others, that leans toward the social ostracization and persecution of non-believers. Sure, the Faithful Front of Frodo, or FFF, is an official offshoot for our more radical activists, like a Sunday school, but it’s not the KKK. It is totally unaffiliated, despite being cumulatively a mere fifteen letters away. We feel the public will accept this, once it gets over the 1/676 chance of the other two letters in the organization’s acronym happening to be Fs, and the uncanny similarity to the KKK’s own abbreviation that ensues from the coincidence.

A nosy investigative journalist recently noted that some of our more fundamental members do prance around in white sheets, but this is purely a superficial resemblance to the Klan with no deeper connection. It’s like saying that Hitler and Stalin were ideologically compatible purely because they killed millions of people. Superficial. Regardless, scores of Muslims preen around in similar attire and they would never be accused of being Klan members.

We also burn crosses, but that’s because we really, really don’t like Christianity. There’s nothing sinister about it.

Cynics snicker that Frodology’s ranks are peopled by hicks, but this is unfair. We prefer to call them persons of rural heritage. And in any case, as with anything new, and especially with things that appear new but which are actually old, very very old, the least educated tend to be the ones to dip their feet in the water first. Just like with Harry Potter: around for more than a decade and smart folk still ain't buying it.

Frodologists hold biannual rallies too, but it’s just because we only feel validated once we’re sure other people know our opinions, no matter how disinterested they may be. Some call it vanity. That’s fair.

Other detractors argue that some Frodologists moonlight with the Klan. Our official position is that what they do with their free time is their own business, and we’re not about to judge them for it. I mean, Sarah Palin is an evangelical nut in her downtime, and oddly, no one is holding it against her.

Finally, that the FFF has been implicated in the disappearance of an undercover FBI agent investigating the lynching and flaying of immigrants across the country is at most a half-truth. No one was flayed. That’s just sick.

Breaking – Gondor breaks ceasefire putting brakes on peace talks while Mordor troops on break

The world was shocked today when echelons of Gondor light infantry crossed the Mordor border and skirmished with bands of orcs, constituting a death knell for the peace process. They also exchanged fire with bands of brothers, but Steven Spielberg was not available for comment. Gondor’s aggression came as a surprise despite the fact that this conflict has protracted for several millennia now, and frankly, there are few atrocities left to commit. But since mainstream media still laps it up like an errant Jackson nipple, so will we.

A fair amount of the surprise can be attributed to learning that Gondor and Mordor are real places. Actors filming the upcoming movie The Hobbit were reportedly shaken to discover they weren’t actually on a film set at all. That’s right, they’re real places. Remember Kosovo? Had to look for that on a map didn’t you? But you did find it. Because it exists. And how insulted did the Kosovars feel when no one had even heard of them? Pretty friggin’ awful. And would you really wish that same feeling of worthless irrelevance upon other ethnic minorities? Would you? No, you wouldn’t. The smart thing to do would just be to take my word as gospel, leave your atlas on the shelf, and read on.

This latest chapter in the Middle Earth conflict is a sad one. A sad chapter in a many-volume series of large, sad tomes full of many similarly sad chapters, some of them long, some short, but all of them sad. Very very sad. Honestly, the roots of the conflict are totally irrelevant but people like to pretend otherwise, because they’re based in religion. Other religions. And people seem to think that matters.

What it boils down to is a dispute over sovereignty of the land between Gondor and Mordor. While Gondorians traditionally identify it as their home land, many recognized it for the worthless patch of dirt it is and moved further afield to more fertile pastures. Suffering from the highest population density in Middle Earth, Mordor orcs in search of a bit of lebensraum simply moved in. At this, thousands of Gondorians very sensibly left their hugely affluent lives in safer parts of the world to put themselves in obvious danger. For the worthless patch of dirt. The chief export of which is olives. And chickpeas. There’s a lot of money in chickpeas.

The situation has since progressed into an acerbic slugging match. Gondor denies that Mordor is a state, a claim taken as a personal insult by Sauron, heard frequently to professes “l'État, c'est moi”, predating Louis XIV by at least six millennia. In return, orc youths are frequently seen sharing racial slurs. “Gondor? More like Gaydor!” Education in Mordor is found wanting. The situation is further complicated by what is frequently seen as meddling by Rohan, the world’s sole superpower. Rohan’s Middle-Earth Agenda for Peace, or Ro’MAP, is not widely welcomed. Residents of the region are suspicious that Rohan is only interested in sapping its minerals and eating its babies.

Of course what neither party appreciates is that the true beneficiaries of the land are we, the followers of Frodo. The fact that few Frodologists live in the disputed region in no way diminishes our claim to it; we simply want to stay out of harm’s way and cross our fingers it will all work out for the best. Following one or two crusade-related misunderstandings by some of Frodo’s more fervent opportunists, it’s sort of a bad neighborhood for us to be in right now.

Since the conflict invariably only flares up when no one is paying it any attention, the months ahead should prove tense as the world’s media willfully ignores everything but the US elections.

Accelerating particles, or accelerating us all to Hell?

An eminent Frodologist scientist, author of The Large Hadron Collider: State-Sponsored Witchcraft, has made waves in the press recently for lambasting the world’s largest particle accelerator as a portent of doom. And if you think I’m exaggerating, you should read his award-winning article published in Scientific American, “Excessively Verbose use of Language as a Portent of Doom”. Truly enthralling stuff.

And while we agree that these magic tricks going on deep underground in a tunnel in Switzerland will probably spell the end for our existence, we don’t necessarily agree with his conclusion. See, ‘doom’ is such a messy, negative, unscientific word. Officially, Frodology much prefers use of the emotively neutral ‘Apocalypse’. Well, technically we call it the Frodocalypse.

Why are we looking forward to the Frodocalypse? Because through embracing the opportunity to contribute our own paltry masses to the phenomenal density of the black hole that will suck us thither, we will be bound to a land of Good & Plenty. No, wait, they’re sold by Hershey’s. Bread and honey? Milk and honey? Wine and cheese? It doesn’t matter. We will enter a land of bounty, despite the logical contradictions involved therewith. It is said that Frodo promised that, on their deaths, believers would receive seventy-two Virgin Atlantic Flying Club points.

In any case, the race to the Apocalypse is heating up out there, and considering some of the alternatives to the Frodocalypse, we’re confident that most people would prefer our version of paradise. In the States, black people nationwide are agitating for the Tupacalypse, while Hassidic Jews are preparing for a very curly Sidelockalypse. And in the belfries of rural Ireland, cries can be heard of Holyfockalypse!

Cynics note that, at least scientifically speaking, there is minimal chance of the Big Bang reoccurring, and very probably, life will carry on as usual. But I’ve been thinking. Christian creationists criticize the theory for being unable to explain what came before it. Who created the Big Bang? It seems obvious now that the only possible candidate is Frodo. That’s right. Frodo created the Big Bang. You might say he banged and he banged big. But he doesn’t want us to know. No, because how Frodo bangs is his little secret. It’s personal. So when these conjurers manage to smash some dust particles together, as is my understanding of the process, Frodo will go Dr Strangelove on our asses.

Thus it came as a tragic shock today to learn that the LHC is temporarily disabled while it undergoes repairs. Surely, we must be calm and patient as we sit and contemplate the approaching End of Days. But at the same time, it worries me that the LHC will never fully get going. Something about the project smacks of underachievement. This Hadron, for one, is a dubious choice to pilot the tests. His last public works project, Hadron’s Wall, failed to keep the Scots out of England and now sits a very unimposing three feet off the ground. And what’s this about shooting particles around at almost the speed of light? Gee, that’s almost impressive.

So, unfortunately, we are forced to conclude that, however desirable it may be, there will be no Big Bang, and there will be no Frodocalypse. Nor will there be any free upgrades on Virgin Atlantic, or an extra ten kilos of luggage allowance. Life tomorrow will be much like life was two months ago. Except that our savings will have evaporated and our bankers will be unemployed.

Snap.

It’s called faith, stupid!

Frodology has been the unfair victim of heckles and hounding by many ‘scientists’ recently, and unfairly so. I say ‘scientists’ because, really, they’re just corrupting atheist dogs. Everyone knows you can’t have science without faith. It’s like a monkey without a hat: it just doesn’t make sense.

And what is the message of these ‘scientists’? They arrogantly say that we Frodologists are foolish for worshipping Frodo, praise Him, and there’s no ‘evidence’ of a greater ‘Frodo’ ‘pulling our strings’ and deciding our fate. They talk of atheist concepts of ‘proof’. Typical: in the middle of metaphysical discussions of such enormous import, morally debased atheists get distracted by questions of booze and its alcohol content.

They tell us that the onus is on us to prove to them there is a Frodo, praise Him, and without it they refuse to pay the membership fee. They talk of concepts of ontology, and having looked that word up in the dictionary, I can promise you that the study of birds has nothing to do with faith. Merely wily atheist diversionary tactics!

Other doubters and detractors argue Frodo’s metaphysical person cannot be extant and active in the physical world as He would require a physical form Himself. They say that He ceased to have that function when He breathed His hallowed last, expired, and returned to the soil as nothing more than carbon atoms. But how could that be, when carbon and atoms are such recent inventions? You can’t be made of carbon if you don’t know what it is, just as you can’t live a virtuous life if you haven’t been thoroughly schooled in what it is.

And still others doubt that He existed in the first place, cursed be their eternal souls! They say He is a fictional character who only made His way onto paper due to the inspired handiwork of a man named Tolkien. J. Tolkien, specifically. Well, John Tolkien. That is, John R.R. Tolkien. John Ronald Reuel Tolkien. Excuse me. They argue that the Word of Frodo was only put to paper centuries after Frodo lived; that the few physical remnants of his life are not verifiably from his epoch at all and are evidence of little beyond the fact that wood existed in the era from which they do date; and that His story is eminently implausible.

The golden nugget of truth from which all Frodologists can take succor in the face of such trying (but ultimately misguided) arguments is that it is written in a book. Nay, three books. Readers are at this point invited to remember accurately that childhood lesson to believe everything they read. Frodo was and is real because a New York Times bestseller says so. It’s the same principle behind dragons. Dragons exist because there are pictures and stories of them. No one contests that. And more than that, it’s not just written in a book, but The Book. Take a moment to appreciate how Truth and Rightness are imbued and conveyed by capital letters. It’s why everyone believed Hitler: those Germans are just crazy for capitals!

But even more significantly, it’s called faith. Why does it need proving when it’s something you can just believe in? I don’t need scientists to prove to me Frodo’s existence or lack of. My faith is that special kind of super belief that escapes the terrestrial bonds of simple pretending and enters that fuzzy gray area in which things are spawned into existence by the mere supposition of their possibility. It’s a concept metaphysicians like to call Occam’s New and Improved Electric Razor, in which the truth is not manacled to the tediously tiresome simplest solution, but allowed to take flight under the soaring wings of boundless improbability.

Ergo, Frodo exists. QED.

By way of disclaimer, the author would like to note that he received special dispensation from Frodo’s Supreme Agent on Earth to discuss the above controversial issues in an open forum. Broaching such subjects without authority is heresy and just cause for excommunication. Or execution. I forget which.

Interested readers may also contact the author for more information about the Fiction for Faith Campaign, the goal of which is to get The Lord of the Rings moved from the fiction section at Barnes & Noble to the faith shelf. To make room for it in its new home and fill the corresponding empty space on the fiction shelf, the Campaign is also lobbying to get the Bible moved in the opposite direction.

Frodo on Fags

One thing that sets Frodology apart from other religions is that we don’t get stuck down in the details. You could say it’s more about the spirit of The Faith than about the absolute letter of Frodo’s Law, rigid and unbending though it may be. Praise Him. And for that reason it’s always been a little puzzling to us Frodologists that many of the more fervent adherents of Christianity and Islam have it in for fags.

You need not look far before you can find their banners: “God hates fags” and “Fags are evil”. On one level I can understand it. They’re disgusting and corrupting, and make everyone around feel dirty. They’re also unnatural: a product of society’s ills and civilization’s many evils. But on another, macro level, I can’t help but think that they’re relatively innocuous. After all, it’s a lifestyle choice and in the spirit of self-determination who are we to tell people how to live their lives?

The power-hungry elite at the top of a towering religious hierarchy, that’s who. But Frodo wasn’t big on micromanagement, so neither are we. Plus there are other reasons why Frodology doesn’t mind a few fags. Some early Frodologists, in an effort to assuage personal insecurities, moved to outlaw fags outright. It was evident that fags just made them uncomfortable; they were clearly worried that if fags were tolerated, they’d start doing it too.

So these Frodologists started bending Frodo’s words to fit their own agenda. Frodo’s idle conversation, in which he offhandedly declined the offer of a fag, was taken out of context to infer that he sanctioned the ban. If we used that as a precedent, we’d be banning cheese, shoes, and religion next. It’s clearly untenable.

Also, many Frodologists feel that the opposition to fags is wholly out of proportion to whatever minor transgression they may represent. Surely for something that is ultimately a private matter which impinges little on those not partaking, they don’t deserve such attention and such unrelenting hatred. And if you absolutely disdain fags to the very depths of your soul, they can’t be that hard to avoid.

Finally, one last obvious reason why Frodology isn’t up in arms against fags is that Frodo, like Jesus, was well known to indulge in a fag every now and then. And who can blame them, living such stressful, arduous lives (though Frodo’s was indubitably more stressful and arduous). It would be entirely inconsistent with the times if either Frodo or Jesus didn’t partake in fags, sucking on them long and hard, as they were wont to do.

And anyway, it’s not exactly like they’re taking over the world. For all these reasons we just can’t understand why religious leaders get so agitated over a few lousy cigarettes.

Check back soon for the next installment: Frodo vs. Homosexuals – Are They Taking Over the World?

How to Join Frodology, Part II

Frodology doesn’t mean to be a religion that courts controversy, we don’t. We just want to practice The Faith without recrimination, and proselytize at will. It’s not like we want a special place in the spiritual landscape, although that time will inevitably come since we are right, and in time everyone will realize that. But in the mean time, we simply ask that people leave us to prey.

Thus in order to facilitate the time when all the world’s flock is united and corralled in the Shire, I’ve decided to revisit Frodology’s few remaining membership requirements. But before I do I would like to respond to a handful of earnest questions and grumbles from those who profess they really do want to join The Faith, but don’t want to be circumcised, or pay money for the privilege. All I can say is that my hands are tied. These are Frodo’s requests, and we, His humble followers, are not at liberty to change them or reread the source material and discover any typographical errors or mistranslations such that the status quo would be changed. Frodo just doesn’t want His followers wallowing in filth and emerging from a cesspit to enter the Shire. No mire in the Shire.

First and foremost, Frodo requires that His followers abstain from alcohol and caffeine. In fact, Frodlogists do not even speak of these by name, firm in the belief that by refusing to acknowledge them, they’ll just go away. We therefore refer to them as Banned Substances, or BS. Why do we place these voluntary limitations on BS? In part it’s because certain other faiths actually embrace them, and are so clearly going downhill because of them. Christians thrive on BS, and even serve it at communion! The second reason is that we Frodologists are keen to avoid anything which may be considered mind-altering. Frodology requires a clear head and sense of self-awareness. However if you have a congenital form of psychosis causing you to be abnormally gullible, we will welcome you with open arms. It is part of Frodology’s mission to help the infirm. But that’s probably enough BS for now.

Since Frodo is all about saving as many souls as possible, we Frodologists have decided that passivity is something we can ill afford. You almost have to admire Jehovah’s Witnesses: they actively pursue potential converts, and when they find someone weak, bam! Straight for the jugular. They cling on with an iron grip and drain the lifeblood like a leech in the throes of bloodlust. Frodologsist missionaries are more like cute puppies though. You want to pick them up and hold them in both arms, and let them give you loads of little puppy kisses. Because denying them would be irresistible, nay, damn right cruel. Accordingly, Frodologists must make a coming of age missionary trip, called the Nission (the Mormons have already trademarked “Mission”, the greedy bastards). The Nission is a Frodologist’s chance to prove his worth by recruiting as many to The Faith as he can. Through this wonderful opportunity, he gains the privilege of basking in Frodo’s Eternal Light.

Lastly, there is a special requirement for former atheists. Oh, how that word makes me squirm. Since through their atheism they have demonstrated that they lack a certain moral fiber, the virtue of being able to wholly submit to a higher force of which they have no ‘proof’ other than their own unquestioning faith, converted atheists are granted a special status in Frodology. We call them Underlings. Don’t be alarmed, it’s just a portmanteau of a common hobbit surname, Underhill, and a colloquial synonym for hobbits, halflings. Through being an Underling for ten short years, converted atheists are given the extra opportunity to really prove their faith. It’s enough to make the rest of us jealous!

And that’s it! It’s so easy, what are you waiting for?

Frodo Is Green

It’s gone alarmingly quiet around here over the past couple of days, and I can only think it’s that everyone in the world’s internet is broken except for mine. Surely that is more likely than people having second thoughts following on from my last post. Surely.

So for a completely unrelated reason I’ve decided to meander from the path of Frodology’s small list of membership, uh, suggestions, and address an issue which has always, always, been a subject close to Frodo’s heart.

Before Orthodox Christians started polluting the Earth’s delicate atmosphere with their toxic clouds of incense, before the Jews began wasting fuel by burning precious hydrocarbons in the temple at Hanukkah, and before the Vatican started melting down the world’s wealth for its coffers, Frodologists were being green. Frodo opted to trek all the way to Mordor under his own power. He didn’t take the train, or use a car, and didn’t even consider taking a plane. He didn’t leave his television on standby and he had no time for chlorofluorocarbons.

And what does the Pope do? He putts about looking like a goldfish in his Popemobile, a modified SUV with heavy bullet-proof glass. He doesn’t even use a hybrid. I feel confident that Catholics probably manage the lowest miles per gallon of any faith. They should hand out catalytic converters at communion instead of bread.

Hobbits didn’t have industry and didn’t even harm the Earth by farming. In fact it’s not actually clear what the economic basis of their society was, perhaps some combination of hunter-gathering and begging, but the point still stands that their hairy feet had the smallest carbon footprint of any socially-developed humanoid to follow. They certainly didn’t have to cut down trees for, say, I don’t know, carpentry, to make ends meet.

Really we should all just leave the cities and pick up the pastoral lifestyle where medieval peasants left off. We should forsake technology and abandon science because it’s half a step away from full-on witchcraft, and certainly wasn’t sanctioned or even mentioned in The Book. If Frodo didn’t need it, then we certainly don’t. What’s so great about progress anyway? Why can’t anyone just be happy to stay still and admire the view? I mean, it didn’t quite work for the Khmer Rouge, but we could give it another shot.

How to Join Frodology, Part I

Since launching this site a few days back, we have been absolutely inundated with people begging to join The Faith. This is of course only further verification that Frodology is the one True Faith, despite what you may have read earlier about numbers being irrelevant. They are relevant, especially big, growing ones.

Being such a welcoming, genial faith, joining Frodology is as simple as you’d expect. There is just a short list of requirements which I will summarize here (Part II to follow), and which are also available in a 60 page PDF should you require further detail. In fact they’re not even requirements, because it’s not our job to be the Third Reich. Think of them as mandatory suggestions.

First, males must be circumcised. Unlike many other faiths that practice circumcision, Frodology is all about being up to date, with it, contemporary. Being progressive is a priority, you might say. How can you save people if you don’t “get them”? Consequently The Faith is conscious of being labeled as a religion that still lops off foreskins. We just don’t want to seem so musty and Old Testament, even if we are the oldest religion around, which we are. This is why we want to encourage circumcision as a cool thing to do.

Think about it: what could make your friends more jealous? An iPhone? A car? No, they’ll just go out and buy something better. But removing a bit of your genitals is something you can only have done by joining Frodology, at least without it being a crime. Think how unique you’ll be, imagine how crazy the girls will go! No full penises here! And thanks to modern medicine, which we have fully but reluctantly embraced, risk of death from secondary infection is at its lowest level yet.

Females must be circumcised too. It’s not cool, it just has to be done.

All new members must also be hobbitized. This is something that some of you may recognize as similar to baptizing. Superficially, that’s correct. A High Priest will sprinkle Holy Hobbit Oil, or H2O, over inductees’ foreheads such that they may have the Light of Frodo shine upon them. The difference is that in Frodology you’re actually being saved, while in other religions you’re just getting wet.

The last suggestion that Frodology requires is a small membership fee. Luckily for members it’s a technically complex fee structure, so you need not fear we’re making things up. But if you need any explanation of the nature of the charges, it can be found in a separate 30 page PDF, or you can talk to one of our operators on our hotline. Joining Frodology requires a small, discretionary down payment. Think of it as a holding deposit on your soul. After that there’s a small annual fee too, based on a percentage of your annual income, which you could liken to a service charge. Since people expect to pay for service at a restaurant, we think they expect to pay to join a charitable organization too.

That’s all for Part I, see you back here tomorrow for Part II!