Saturday, October 11, 2008

Satellite finds end of space

Frodologists have been forced to re-examine their world view following some recent developments from above. In a mission designed to explore space beyond our solar system, NASA launched a satellite, named "Are We Still Calling Them Voyager or Explorer or What?", from its facility in Cape Canaveral three years ago.

It became apparent a few days ago, however, that the mission had come to an end much earlier than expected. Following a large crashing noise and a sudden deceleration of the satellite from 840,000 mph to zero, it is believed that the AWSCTVEW has reached the end of the universe. NASA scientists were reported to be "surprised" that the satellite had accomplished its task so quickly. That there is an end of the universe, and that it seems to be demarcated by some sort of big wall, was described as "an interesting development".

A big wall

Scientists are turning to reels of data to try and determine exactly what happened. A source inside NASA leaked that the last communication from the satellite exclaimed that "everything's starting to look pretty samey". The satellite then began to whistle "The Long and Winding Road" up until the crash. Engineers at mission control are thoroughly perplexed by this, since they had believed it to be an unmanned mission. The team responsible for on board electronics responded to queries by admitting that they had outsourced the job to Bangalore, but maintain that they are shocked by the choice to swap the computer out for a human being.

The satellite has been out of contact since it arrived at the big wall. The location of the wall is especially surprising for scientists since it appears to be situated in space, an area of the universe previously thought to be empty of walls. NASA has released an artist’s impression of the celestial obstruction.

NASA was reportedly impressed with the quality of masonry

Not everyone believes the wall to be the end of space. Starbucks CEO Jim Foley noted that it could easily be one of their franchises. “We’ve got new branches opening pretty much everywhere”. While he didn’t have the details at hand, he said that opening a new branch beyond the Oort Cloud would be “entirely commensurate” with their corporate strategy.

Rethinking dogma

The implications for Frodologists are far reaching. That the satellite got so far is clear indication that the universe is actually larger than we believed. Indeed, it now seems undeniable that space stretches beyond Mars, at the very least. However, we see no reason to question the principle that the world is flat as the mission offers no compelling evidence otherwise.

Frodology is not the only religion rethinking its place in the new zeitgeist. A Vatican spokesman said “It’s like a party in here at the moment. Scientists have been telling us for centuries that the universe is infinite and chances are we’re not at the center of it. But now they find this wall! We’re elated. Benny’s been breaking out all these old maps with the sun revolving around the Earth. Venus is there too. It’s great. Oh and we’ve already put a copy of The Truman Show in the mail to NASA. Psych!”

NASA scientists are already discussing a new mission to send a satellite with a chisel and hammer to the wall to break a hole in it and see what’s on the other side. Religious leaders around the globe are unanimously against the proposal, the unspoken reason being a belief that their god or gods are probably resident behind the wall. A Frodlogist leader had this to say:

“We’re fairly confident that Frodo is behind that wall, but we are completely against the mission to knock a hole in it. It would be like breaking into the teacher’s lounge. I think Frodo would be pretty cheesed off if we tried”.

Wall of sound

Among those to subscribe to NASA’s email updates on the wall is Roger Waters, formerly of Pink Floyd, who has expressed interest in using the wall for a gig “within the next year or two”. He may have difficulty, however, since slaves in Bono's Kilkenny sweatshop are already churning out "Don't Exploit the Wall" t-shirts. Teaming up with the Irish rocker is Bob Geldof. While talk of Wall-Aid is rife in the blogosphere, Geldof has denied interest, admitting that he wants to spend more time in the studio thinking of ludicrous names for his children.

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