Should that come to pass, we have compiled this handy guide for Frodologists looking to survive the Rapture. With any luck, you'll be safe and sound when the streets start running with blood!
I'm not sure why that's funny.
- Head to the closest yacht club, or better yet, country club. There should be a high enough concentration of wasps there that God will just beam them up without paying too much attention. Women should wear several kilos worth of pearls, and men should pretend to be totally disinterested in their wives and children.
- Avoid universities, museums, observatories, zoos, this blog, and other places of learning. Since he is a monkey, God is envious of our ability to learn and better ourselves. These locations are all ripe for a smite.
- Since people were shorter in Biblical times, the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse are expected to be riding Shetland ponies. These are easily outrun by everything from Segways to tumbleweeds. They also lose confidence at the sight of water. The Horsemen themselves are also expected to be laden down with heavy armor and the burden of their own non-existence.
- If you're getting desperate, you might have to prepare yourself to kidnap Jesus. After all, they can't carry out the Rapture without Him. If you're organized, prepare a kit beforehand. Rope, chloroform, and mace are staples of any kidnappers' duffel bag. Ironically, since it appears that Jesus may be a vampire, try taking a cross and holy water along. If you find yourself unprepared, a blunt 2x4 is always worth a shot.
- If all else fails, bury your head in the sand.
Fig. 1, The Rapture is easily survived even by fat people
Fig. 2, Things that go bump on the Semite
Fig. 3, This gentleman has the right idea