Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Tips for surviving the Rapture

We recently reported that we believe the Frodocalypse to be imminent. While we still believe this to be so, there are approximately a lot of other religions out there all racing to the bottom. For reasons unfathomable to us, Christianity seems to be the current favorite. That's approximately 33.06% of the world all clamoring for the End of Days.

Should that come to pass, we have compiled this handy guide for Frodologists looking to survive the Rapture. With any luck, you'll be safe and sound when the streets start running with blood!

I'm not sure why that's funny.

  1. Head to the closest yacht club, or better yet, country club. There should be a high enough concentration of wasps there that God will just beam them up without paying too much attention. Women should wear several kilos worth of pearls, and men should pretend to be totally disinterested in their wives and children.

  2. Avoid universities, museums, observatories, zoos, this blog, and other places of learning. Since he is a monkey, God is envious of our ability to learn and better ourselves. These locations are all ripe for a smite.

  3. Since people were shorter in Biblical times, the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse are expected to be riding Shetland ponies. These are easily outrun by everything from Segways to tumbleweeds. They also lose confidence at the sight of water. The Horsemen themselves are also expected to be laden down with heavy armor and the burden of their own non-existence.

  4. Fig. 1, The Rapture is easily survived even by fat people

  5. If you're getting desperate, you might have to prepare yourself to kidnap Jesus. After all, they can't carry out the Rapture without Him. If you're organized, prepare a kit beforehand. Rope, chloroform, and mace are staples of any kidnappers' duffel bag. Ironically, since it appears that Jesus may be a vampire, try taking a cross and holy water along. If you find yourself unprepared, a blunt 2x4 is always worth a shot.

  6. Fig. 2, Things that go bump on the Semite

  7. If all else fails, bury your head in the sand.

Fig. 3, This gentleman has the right idea