Thursday, October 23, 2008

Is my child becoming a heathen?


It is an irrefutable fact that as time marches on, the frequency of global calamities increases.



Fig. 1, The shit is getting real


We confidently presume that this is indication of the impending Frodocalypse. That being the case, prudent parents will want to ensure their children are fit for service in the afterlife. Did I say service? I meant holiday.

But what if you suspect your child is becoming a heathen? How can you tell? Our guide will help you detect apostasy under your roof in any guise.

Scenario 1
If you're watching The Lord of the Rings and your child comes in and tells you that it's either (a) trash, or (b) fiction, you've got an apostate.

What should I do?

Your child needs to see that you are in control, but also that you are a rational person with rational beliefs. The best way to communicate this is to throw the remote control at your child. Accompany this gesture with shrill yelling. The yelling need not consist of coherent thoughts; in fact, if you shriek in gibberish, your child may be convinced that you are speaking in tongues and see the true divinity of your plight.


Scenario 2
If your are getting ready to go to evening mass, and your child says that he or she would prefer to stay at home and watch TV, you've got an apostate.

What should I do?
Depending on the degree of obstinancy being displayed by your child, several escalating tactics may be necessary. First, try cutting the power cable to the TV with scissors. Since you now have a handy piece of cable in your grasp, try using this to whip some sense into your child. Ultimately it may be necessary to put your foot through the TV screen. Ensure you are wearing closed toe shoes when doing this. Note that 'footing the screen' is more effective on older, CRT televisions. If you own a modern plasma or LCD TV, you should first consider explaining to your local Fro'Moe why you have so much money to burn. Always remember that it's possible that you could be the sinner in any given scenario.

If after all this your child is still sitting watching a blank screen, he or she may be deaf or retarded, in which case you've got a bigger problem.


Scenario 3
If you are collecting the weekly stipend from your child in accordance with Frodo's tithing laws, and he or she suggests that it be given to a 'worthier cause', you've got an apostate.

What should I do?
Usurious interest is frequently a crippling tool for those looking to gain control of a situation. Frodo's Law allows aggrieved parents to repossess their children's property and sell it to make up outstanding payments. To ensure it doesn't happen again, we recommend taking a physical lien over your child's favorite possessions. For those unfamiliar with the jargon, a lien is essentially hostage-taking. For more information on heavy-handed coercion and how to use it to your advantage, we recommend From Duress to Success, available for $21.95 from any good bookstore .

Scenario 4
If you discover your child reading the Bible, Koran, any other purportedly holy scripture, or anything by Carl Sagan or Richard Dawkins, you've got an apostate.

What should I do?
As in all of these scenarios, it is best to act quickly and assume your child is guilty rather than lose time while he or she attempts to explain the situation. He or she may claim to be merely 'confused' or 'expanding his horizons'. Since the Faith is a Universal Truth which obviates the need for external fulfillment, your child is clearly mistaken. Replacing the book with The Lord of the Rings when your child is not looking may be subtle and effective. If not, try hollowing out the book and filling it with the remains of a dead pigeon. Most importantly, DO NOT read the heathen book yourself since heresy is contagious.


Fig. 2, Your pigeon may not have a tongue


Scenario 5
If your child refuses to join hands with your family in prayer before eating a meal at a restaurant, you've got an apostate.

What should I do?
Do not let the public setting throw you. Being vocal and demonstrative in front of strangers will only help your child to see the error of his or her ways. Repeating the same question louder and more frantically each time is a good way to start. For example: "Do you reject the Lord Frodo? Do you reject the Lord Frodo? The Lord Frodo?! Do you REJECT Him?!! Do you?!? DO YOU REJECT THE LORD FRODO?!" For added emphasis, try standing up as you reach a crescendo. If this causes your milkshake and basket of home style fries to fall to the floor, so much the better. Finally, don't be afraid to be inclusive. Try to involve neighboring tables by adding their indignation to your own. If this still doesn't work, punctuate your performance with a visceral, blood curdling primal scream.

We would be remiss in our duties if we suggested that this was in any way a complete list. Please look upon it as guidance only, as your child could demonstrate his or her unbridled heresy in countless other ways. However, the techniques suggested can serve as useful starting point. And remember: don't forget to improvise!


This website in general and this article in particular are and are intended to be entirely humorous and satirical. The content of this article is not serious, and is not endorsed or intended to be acted upon in any way. No responsibility is assumed for those failing to heed this message.

1 comment:

Vitamin R said...

Your child needs to see that you are in control, but also that you are a rational person with rational beliefs. The best way to communicate this is to throw the remote control at your child. But then, your remote is broken, and how're you gonna watch LoTR, then?

I say, through a hardcover edition of the whole trilogy at the kid. Like Chuck Heston did in that movie he was in--the name escapes me. But he through some stone tablets with ten rules--commandments, if you will, at a bunch of 'tards worshiping a tacky gold statue.

It seemed to work.

First, try cutting the power cable to the TV with scissorsAnd again, the faithful members in the household are left LoTR-less.

I say, just cut off the kid's hair. Not all of it, just enough to make them look stupid to all their friends, heathen and faithful alike. There's nothing like peer pressure to get a wayward teen in line.

Replacing the book with The Lord of the Rings when your child is not looking may be subtle and effective. If not, try hollowing out the book and filling it with the remains of a dead pigeon.ROTFLMAO--I dunno, that pigeon looks more drunk than dead, to me. And I notice it's not being humped by an aardvark . . . how odd.

:D