Saturday, October 25, 2008

Women not discriminated against because they deserve it

Frodology made headlines today following boisterous outcries by recently admitted clergy members accusing the Faith of sex discrimination. The allegations involved a wage disparity, and were met with earnest care when they came to the attention of Faith authorities. The authorities then discovered that the claimants in question were women, and quickly dismissed the complaint, as women are neither able to hold clergy positions nor allowed to complain about anything.

This is just the most recent episode in a series of complaints against the Faith accusing the authorities of sex discrimination. Only last month, a group of female activists sent a petition to their local Fro'Moe regarding the lack of educational opportunities for women in the Faith. Certain sections within the Faith hierarchy are concerned that women will be less informed on issues such as Intelligent (But Not Perfect) Design and the inspiring story of Frodo's life. However, the overwhelming decision was that attempting to educate women to the level of men would be an undue burden on Faith resources. This decision was reached following the revelation that women were designed by a god evolutionarily inferior to that which designed men.

Fig. 1, The paramecium, the slowest of the single cell gods

Following that discovery, all women holding a decision-making capacity within the Faith were replaced by men. Further restricting the permitted activities of Frodologist women then became much easier. Some critics accused the Faith of filibustering. The Council of Fro'Moes, or Fro'Moe'Co, has however concluded that 'filibuster' was probably coined by a woman, and as such, has no place in the dictionary.

Fig. 2, That would probably have looked better filigreed

Other activities women are preventing from taking part in include going outside unaccompanied and talking to males to whom they are not related. While perhaps appearing heavy-handed, the measure is in fact for their own protection. Many religions around the globe are right in concluding that women need saving from themselves.

This is reflected in the clothing that Frodologist women must now wear. In a survey conducted amongst Frodologist men as to what one thing they found least sexually attractive, the overwhelming response was a sack of potatoes.

Fig. 3, The pie chart itself was found to be more attractive than Bristol Palin

A sack of potatoes was thus the obvious choice on which to base compulsory female attire. The clothing was however designed with a humane ethos in mind. The sack is dark in color, often black, so that women can blend into shadows and not feel self-conscious for looking like a sack of potatoes. Also, since all women will look essentially the same, they will not be tempted into vain pursuits such as makeup and exercise. The sack also features cutting edge wicking nylon, an integrated iPod pocket, and reflective panels.

Fig. 4, But it's also ugly as hell

Some critics have noted that the potato sacks make women look like Ringwraiths, the soulless, withered hell spawn that hounded Frodo's every step on his quest to destroy the Ring. Faith authorities have hinted that this may not be a coincidence. "Evil has but one face," was the enigmatic response of one Fro'Moe.

Groups such as the American Civil Liberties Union have decried these measures as deplorable sex discrimination. Frodologist officials are however of the opinion that it is not discrimination since women deserve it. "Frodo was clear about the vices of women when he said 'Women should [not] be treasured and adored. Every man worth his salt knows he's ... the better half of the marriage.'" It is expected that this caveat will cleverly skirt equal treatment legislation on both sides of the Atlantic.

In any case, Frodology is not the only religion to be concerned with claims of sex discrimination. The trend is generally not recent, and in some is thought to be tied in to the very fabric of the faith.

"No, YOU listen. Your mother promised me a daughter!"