Tuesday, July 29, 2008

How to Join Frodology, Part II

Frodology doesn’t mean to be a religion that courts controversy, we don’t. We just want to practice The Faith without recrimination, and proselytize at will. It’s not like we want a special place in the spiritual landscape, although that time will inevitably come since we are right, and in time everyone will realize that. But in the mean time, we simply ask that people leave us to prey.

Thus in order to facilitate the time when all the world’s flock is united and corralled in the Shire, I’ve decided to revisit Frodology’s few remaining membership requirements. But before I do I would like to respond to a handful of earnest questions and grumbles from those who profess they really do want to join The Faith, but don’t want to be circumcised, or pay money for the privilege. All I can say is that my hands are tied. These are Frodo’s requests, and we, His humble followers, are not at liberty to change them or reread the source material and discover any typographical errors or mistranslations such that the status quo would be changed. Frodo just doesn’t want His followers wallowing in filth and emerging from a cesspit to enter the Shire. No mire in the Shire.

First and foremost, Frodo requires that His followers abstain from alcohol and caffeine. In fact, Frodlogists do not even speak of these by name, firm in the belief that by refusing to acknowledge them, they’ll just go away. We therefore refer to them as Banned Substances, or BS. Why do we place these voluntary limitations on BS? In part it’s because certain other faiths actually embrace them, and are so clearly going downhill because of them. Christians thrive on BS, and even serve it at communion! The second reason is that we Frodologists are keen to avoid anything which may be considered mind-altering. Frodology requires a clear head and sense of self-awareness. However if you have a congenital form of psychosis causing you to be abnormally gullible, we will welcome you with open arms. It is part of Frodology’s mission to help the infirm. But that’s probably enough BS for now.

Since Frodo is all about saving as many souls as possible, we Frodologists have decided that passivity is something we can ill afford. You almost have to admire Jehovah’s Witnesses: they actively pursue potential converts, and when they find someone weak, bam! Straight for the jugular. They cling on with an iron grip and drain the lifeblood like a leech in the throes of bloodlust. Frodologsist missionaries are more like cute puppies though. You want to pick them up and hold them in both arms, and let them give you loads of little puppy kisses. Because denying them would be irresistible, nay, damn right cruel. Accordingly, Frodologists must make a coming of age missionary trip, called the Nission (the Mormons have already trademarked “Mission”, the greedy bastards). The Nission is a Frodologist’s chance to prove his worth by recruiting as many to The Faith as he can. Through this wonderful opportunity, he gains the privilege of basking in Frodo’s Eternal Light.

Lastly, there is a special requirement for former atheists. Oh, how that word makes me squirm. Since through their atheism they have demonstrated that they lack a certain moral fiber, the virtue of being able to wholly submit to a higher force of which they have no ‘proof’ other than their own unquestioning faith, converted atheists are granted a special status in Frodology. We call them Underlings. Don’t be alarmed, it’s just a portmanteau of a common hobbit surname, Underhill, and a colloquial synonym for hobbits, halflings. Through being an Underling for ten short years, converted atheists are given the extra opportunity to really prove their faith. It’s enough to make the rest of us jealous!

And that’s it! It’s so easy, what are you waiting for?

2 comments:

Expat Brat said...

"All I can say is that my hands are tied. These are Frodo’s requests, and we, His humble followers, are not at liberty to change them or reread the source material and discover any typographical errors or mistranslations such that the status quo would be changed."

In this sentence you missed at least one chance to utter the words "praise him".

Vitamin R said...

Ten years of recruiting as an Underling? Uh . . . mm, I wasn't an atheist before, I was a . . . Presbyterian. Yeah . . . that's the ticket. . . .