Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Frodology - the World's Oldest Religion

We Frodologists can afford to look down on newcomer religions with a certain amount of deserved, smug satisfaction. As the oldest faith around, we have what the other fly-by-nighters only claim to: the undeniable position of being right. You hear Catholics professing to have time on their side, but what is that, two millenia? And Muslims? Even less. Frodology verifiably dates from the beginning of time, when the temporal residents of Earth were still in touch with their spiritual overlord.

Frodology has sadly become controversial recently and taken a fair amount of flak for being what some people call a 'cult'. Scientologists and Mormons may try to dodge the issue, but I feel it is safer for the integrity of The Faith that we acknowledge this heresy head on. The 'mainstream' religions sit complacently on their pedestals and call us foolish, slow, Canadian, or goddamn s%*t-for-brains. But having the benefit of numbers on your side doesn't make you right.

Luckily, having time on your side does. And that's why Frodology, as The Faith, is right. See, Frodo, praise him, lived his glorious life and heroically fulfilled his many quests in an age of the Earth which has long since passed. This time, which scientists scientifically call Middle Earth, was many tens of thousands of years before your Maccabees or Pharisees were around, pretenders all. Woe betide the millions of souls who lived their life in ignorance of Him, because it was not until Tolkien, the Interpreter, rediscovered his epic legacy and selflessly published it in three invaluable tomes that we, the unworthy public, could become aware of it.

And what a legacy! Like the sun rising in the West, Frodo lived a life of miracles. But more than that, he gave everything so that the pious souls of Middle Earth could know freedom from the terrible oppression of Mordor. His great sacrifice allowed humans, dwarves and elves to live in liberty under his new religious hierarchy. That this should be forgotten by subsequent generations and ages of the Earth is an unspeakable travesty of the highest order. But that people can still live their lives with the knowledge of Frodo, but without submitting to His Benign Will, is a travesty of, well, an even higher order. Higher than the highest. Let's just say it's bad.

It is for this reason that we Keepers of the Faith decided it was finally time for Frodology to adopt a public face and open our doors to the world. We fully anticipate to be the fastest growing religion within the next week or so. If just one person joins, that will be a 50% rise in membership. Look at those growth figures - 50%! Numbers don't lie, and we take this to be mathematics' implicit endorsement of Frodology as the one true Faith. Waste no time, join Frodology today!


Vitamin R said...

Well. At least they aren't calling you a goddamn sh%8t-for-brains Canadian. They're exercising restraint, and that's always a good thing.

How many of the Faithful are there, now?

noodleguy said...

I come from the Future!
In the future there are many more Faithful than there are back (now?)
Also, there are tacos!