Elijah Wood – a Graven Image Too Far?

Peter Jackson’s controversial trilogy, The Lord of the Rings is still a touchy subject in the history of Frodology. The debate revolves around an enigmatic phrase Frodo was undeniably believed to have probably spoken. Unfortunately I cannot repeat the phrase here, since whether or not quoting Frodo also constitutes heresy is currently the subject of another debate. But what it amounts to is that Frodo had a childhood aversion to watercolor. And who can blame Him? It’s so damn hard to stop the paint from bleeding. But I digress.

From this two schools of thought emerged. The first, the Narrow Interpretationalists believe that His hallowed words serve only to restrict images of Him in watercolor and its immediate family, which includes colored pencil, embroideries, and stained glass. This of course allows actors to play Frodo, provided it is done so accurately and meekly, such that no glory is deflected away from His Holiness. Had Elijah Wood actually been awarded the Nickelodeon Kids’ Choice Award he was nominated for, he would have become a marked man. Thankfully for him his lackluster acting skills avoided that eventuality.

Unfortunately he has become a marked man anyway due to the route taken by the Wide Interpretationalisticas. They argue that, from a proper reading, no portrayal of Frodo may be made whatsoever, whether auditory or visual. Followers of The Faith who naively wore hairy wigs on their feet so as to be closer to Frodo were thus excommunicated for their heresy. You might say they would have been safer with a shaven image.

Puns aside, the positions of the two schools is irresolvable because the original text has been lost. While interpreting, the Interpreter, Tolkien, is believed to have misplaced the hallowed text. He narrowly avoided excommunication for this transgression. When discussing the rift with Frodologists, it is advisable not to use the word ‘sects’, as it is still an open wound. Also ‘sects’ sounds too much like ‘sex’ and since all hobbits were conceived by immaculate conception, Frodologists are naturally averse to anything so openly grotesque as sexual intercourse.

However, the rift between the sects (I can use it because I’m a Frodologist) did have a happy outcome. The Narrow Interpretationalisicians prevailed, and it is lucky they did. Their progressive, liberal approach to The Faith means that only watercolor, colored pencil, embroidered, stained glass, doodled, mosaic and PhotoShop images of Frodo are banned. Without this, the loss to the world of art would have been too great. Mainstream religions could indeed learn from Frodologists’ healing, compassionate, and inclusive approach to practicing The Faith.

Edit – Following miraculous recovery of the lost text, which we must attribute to Frodo, praise him, it is now clear that his aversion was to art in general. Thus no images of Him shall be tolerated whatsoever, least of all newspaper cartoon sketches. The arms of Frodo are long (at least metaphorically) and justice will be served on transgressors. It should be noted that since Frodology is a Universal Truth this generous dispensation such that we never have to exert ourselves to sketching Frodo ever again applies to all, not just the Enlightened followers of The Faith. We can only thank the magnanimous Wide Interpretationalisticarians for their mercy in this minute misunderstanding.