The United States is quickly becoming one of the most generous nations on Earth. Through giving so many of its people over to Frodology, mind, body and soul, it is truly working its way into Frodo’s good graces. We managed to recruit and save a staggering 1,500 people in Kalamazoo, Michigan in a single afternoon, putting us fifty-ninth on the government’s Index of Infectious Hysterias. It’s tough competition in the States, but it really is great to see everyone being so willing to just keep quiet and follow.
With so many new members coming from the States, it is unsurprising that we are receiving pleas from Frodologists for spiritual guidance in the upcoming elections. We are truly thrilled to see this, since choosing your President and political leaders should ultimately be a religious question. So today we’re going to examine the qualifications and attributes of one of the election’s hottest tickets: Sarah Palin.
One item with which Mrs. Palin has earned our trust is her stance on abortion. She is firm, unwavering, and will not countenance abortion under any circumstances. Wait, is not allowing abortion a double negative? Excuse me. Mrs. Palin will at all times allow babies to be born. Well that’s good of her. In a similar vein, we Frodologists feel that since conception is a miracle totally inexplicable by science, every fertilized egg is sanctioned by Frodo, regardless of incest, rape, bestiality, or woeful retardation. In this Mrs. Palin’s stance on abortion resembles Frodology’s own “Abortion is for Quitters” campaign.
Another facet of Mrs. Palin’s persona of which Frodology approves is her commitment to moose hunting. Of course if it wasn’t a part of her life as a public official, it wouldn’t be worthy of comment. But since the introduction under Mrs. Palin of a biannual moose bloodletting on the gubernatorial steps as sacrifice to the Aleutian sun gods, big game is fair game. We support moose hunting because guns are cool and you have to shoot something. Plus if you’re shooting moose, you’re not shooting people, and that keeps the crime rate down. And it’s a good thing she’s hunting moose, because the same does not apply to quails.
One controversial area on Mrs. Palin’s record is her position on federal funding. She received criticism for first supporting and then opposing the “Bridge to Nowhere” project. We Frodologists feel this is unfair, as during the period in which she supported the plan, it was actually called the “Bridge from Somewhere” project and was vastly more sensible when seen from that angle.
Perhaps the only black mark against Mrs. Palin’s name is her aversion to spending money on pork barrels. It is possibly the single thing that Jews, Muslims and Republicans all have in common. We think Mrs. Palin should be less embarrassed about federal spending, and encourage her to pass a bill making Alaska the first state to publicly sponsor Lord of the Rings reenactments. Since a similar bill is already in front of the Wyoming Senate, we urge Mrs. Palin to hurry in this matter.
We also thoroughly applaud Mrs. Palin’s total lack of foreign policy experience and knowledge of the outside world. Indeed, to better reflect our own worldview, it should not be difficult at all to convince her that the world is flat. We fully anticipate that, as an insincere fickle religious opportunist, she will also abandon Jesus to the trite lines of a megachurch hymnbook and embrace Frodo in all His glory.
Words also agree that Mrs. Palin is the right choice. See, ‘Palin’ is an anagram of ‘plain’, but ‘Palin’ isn’t ‘plain’. Thus Mrs. Palin isn’t plain and will be an exciting choice for the vice presidential role. ‘Alnip’ and ‘lipan’ are also anagrams of ‘Palin’, but we’re not sure what they are.
Finally, in the interest of balanced reporting, Obama is a black guy, and they’re people too.
So vote McCain/Palin: a hot piece of AZ and a hot piece of ass!