How to spot a false idol

The End of Days is likely to be a confusing time, with fire raining down from the sky, streets running with blood because the sewers are backed up with people who have defaulted on their mortgages and just need somewhere to stay, and local disruptions to cell networks as people send their grainy, out of focus camera phone snaps into CNN. So you need to be ready to follow your real God, and learn how to ignore the temptations of the many false idols dotted along the way. You might call this a guide to following Frodo and ignoring faux’dos.

Your God doesn’t… wear glasses

While author JK Rowling may have ingratiated herself into the homes of millions with promises of magic and incredible things happening to children far too young to cope with the emotional baggage they involve, her lukewarm literary talents cannot disguise heresy. There is only one Messiah in the canon of unlikely hero characters from literature or film, and that one is Frodo. Plus, Harry Potter’s hair makes him look like a boy version of Hugh Grant, and no one worships him.

Your God doesn’t… wear sunglasses

Since at least the 1940s, people have worshiped wearers of sunglasses. At first, it was the aviator. In the 50s, the rebel rock ‘n’ roller. In the sixties, people realized they could see better on stage without sunglasses. By the seventies, they had the hollow, sunken eyes of constant cocaine abuse to hide. In the 80s, oddly, it was back to aviators, and the nineties briefly flirted with donning a messiah-like hero in a pair of Ray Bans before handing the embarrassing sequels over to the new decade. The transience of these idols alone should suffice to warn the reader off sunglasses as a source of idolatry.


Fig. 1, A matrix of false idols... also, Bono sucks

Your God doesn’t… carry a lightsaber

When George Lucas opened Episode IV with “a long time ago…” he gave the game away. Clearly, the Star Wars saga is set in the future, not the past. And if that is the case, it couldn’t have happened yet, which makes Luke Skywalker and Yoda curious choices for worship. It would be like praying to Jesus to thank him for the second coming. It hasn’t happened yet. And if you have done that, it was a poor tactical choice. In terms of fulfilling his part of the bargain, Jesus now holds all the cards. He may not even come at all. Probably time to call a lawyer.

Your God wasn’t… born of a virgin

And neither was Jesus.

Your God doesn’t… work for CTU

Unfortunately, Jack Bauer is not a deity. Despite his godlike ability to dispatch terrorists while in the midst of a heart attack, and his herculean imperviousness to all Arabs on Fox TV shows being heedful martyrs, he is not a God. That he hasn’t learned to avoid situations that spectacularly absorb precisely 24 hours of his time is appalling. That he continues to trust colleagues who are either alternately least likely or most likely to be moles is staggeringly negligent. He’s not fit to run a Starbucks, let alone be a god.

Your God doesn’t… govern Alaska

On the scale of persons deserving of worship, politicians should generally rank lower than other walks of life. On the scale of politicians deserving of worship, former politicians are better suited to receive praise since their misdeeds are comfortably long enough ago to be forgotten. On the scale of current politicians, heads of state are least likely to deserve worship due to all the backs they trampled on to get there. On the scale of heads of states worthy of worship, those who were actually elected are more deserving than those who weren’t even running for the position. Of those who weren’t running for the position, those who could still feasibly do the job of head of state are, again, better candidates for divinity. Of those less capable of being President, governors of states home to more than one million people are still, again, better choices. Of those whose states house less than a million people, the governors of Montana, Delaware, North and South Dakota, Vermont and Wyoming would all be better choices than Sarah Palin.

Why did I go to such lengths to mock Sarah Palin? I’m just illustrating my ability to write a paragraph, technology still absent in states lesser contiguously abled.


Fig. 2, This government building is not Alaska-accessible

Your God… doesn’t worship himself more than you worship him

Here is a short list of people this excludes:

• Madonna
  
• Mischa Barton
  
• Mel Gibson
  
• Miley Cyrus
  
• Matthew McConaughey
  
• Pretty much every actor or actress whose name begins with ‘M’… no really, its’ true. Let’s keep going:
  
• Mike Myers
  
• Michael Jackson
  
• Most of the Screen Actors Guild
  

Your God… isn’t Keira Knightley’s chin

Impressing followers with enormous idols was a trick of the Bronze Age. You’re not fooling anyone these days, Keira!


Fig. 3, It’s just enormous

Pray for the Republicans

On this eve of the presidential elections in the United States, the Council of Fro’Moes invites and encourages Frodologists worldwide to pray for a Republican victory. We are confident that Frodo will be listening to your prayers, despite the fact there is no particular reason why He should give a crap about the US since He hails from Middle Earth. Nor is it an abuse of the power of prayer to ask for every little thing you want when poverty and other ugly words are rife throughout the world.

It is imperative that Mr. McCain is elected to the highest office, since otherwise we will all be ruled by a Muslim, or a terrorist, or a homosexual. Or a black guy. I can’t be sure which, there’s an awful lot being said in the news. In any case, life under the Democrats would be no life at all. I can’t remember the reasons why, but I remember they were good ones.

We want a President with experience, damn it. We want the guy who’s a war hero, and who was locked up in a bamboo cage for the majority of that war, and consequently knows how to sit tight and be patient. We are prepared to meekly accept the repressed emotional baggage and frail heart condition that come with said bamboo cage.


Fig. 1, John McCain could have escaped from the open top bamboo cage. If he was as dishonest as Barack Obama.

We want change. Not too much, but some, which is why we don’t want the guy who will actually change things. Let us preserve the status quo, but still vote for the guys who calls themselves mavericks so that we can feel good about ourselves, like the rush you get from a Six Flags rollercoaster. Not the ones that go upside down, but the one that has no line because everyone else is waiting to get on the ones that do go upside down. Yeah, we want some of that.

Why are we hoping to elect a couple of Christians? Because Christianity serves as a good base from which Frodology can make its bid for power. Just as Christianity was a step up from Judaism, and Islam was a step up from camel husbandry, or whatever it is people do in the desert, Frodology is the natural progression from them.

How can we be so certain of success? Surveys reveal that the value people get from religion is not spiritual enlightenment, comfort, or even the limitless supply of choir boys, but rather the need to obey a stern overlord. Once citizens begin to identify Frodo as a source of ultimate authority, the transition should be easy.

And now, a short poem.

Once upon a night so clear
Christians crouched and squirmed in fear
Of the libs who gnashed and fought
To make our values all for naught

Gays and Jews and democrats
Buzzing like a cloud of gnats
Will tear this country limb from limb
And prostitute us on a whim

Getting drunk on Frodo’s tears
And fornicating with the queers
Tonight we vote to stem the tide
And strip the homos of their pride

We seem to have a gay complex
And a general fear of sex
You may think the GOP repressed
But in fact we have been blessed

John McCain is the solution
No more teaching evolution
Else our children we’ll be failing
Bow down now and worship Palin


Fig. 2, A vision of life under the Democrats

Religious beliefs protected by secret forcefield

Researchers at the University of Chicago reported today their findings that religious beliefs are protected by a secret forcefield. The discovery is a breakthrough as it goes a long way to explaining a question which has consistently troubled academics. Political views, culinary trends, African American baby names, and musical preferences are all considered by most to be debatable and dissectible in the public forum. Whence the invulnerability of religious dogma?

The Force be with you

How the defense mechanism was discovered is currently the question most frequently fielded by the team. The breakthrough occurred during a debate hosted by Temple University on the matter of evolution v. intelligent design. When, halfway through the debate, the representative for evolution asked “how do you explain the fact that vestigial leg bones in whales clearly show the gradual loss of posterior limbs across the fossil record, in favor of fins more suited for submarine locomotion?”, his opposite number exclaimed “spatula!” and began to whistle the theme from NBC’s Cheers. Spectators described seeing a green flash, and then reported a cozy sensation as they unanimously accepted his rebuttal.

The nature of the forcefield is hard to fathom by those who have not experienced it. Protected individuals describe it as a warm, fuzzy feeling of self-righteousness, not unlike being drunk. Long term forcefield enthusiast Janet Gates described it as far preferable to being without a field. “Once you’re protected, you no longer have to think for yourself. We all just sort of hold hands and pray, knowing nothing can ever harm us”.

The researchers were also quick to warn that they suspect the forcefield to be deflective, in that the energy of an assault on it can bounce off in any direction at all. Singed Danish ambassadors have remarked that they were surprised that lighthearted jokes which they didn't even make ricocheted off the forcefield and burned down their embassies.

Strength in numbers

Interestingly, the strength of the forcefield seems to depend proportionally on the popularity of the belief. Thus, claiming over 33% of the world’s population for itself, Christianity enjoys a forcefield 63% stronger than that of Islam, which represents only 20.3%. While a Mormon spokesman argued today that their forcefield was strengthening faster than any other religion, this view has been derided by the University’s team. The team’s leader, Professor Jeffrey Spencer, qualified the findings by saying that:

“About 97% of the Mormon growth rate is attributable to extreme levels of breeding within the faith, known as hyperprogenization. Two percent of converted Mormons are thought to be barnyard animals, and there is a one percent margin of error. Since converted followers comprise only zero percent, we can conclude that Mormon views are not at all popular. Relying on that 97% to strengthen your defenses is like raising yourself by your own bootstraps”.

He concluded by saying that Mormon beliefs are thus completely open for ridicule. “It’s like a turkey shoot”.

A force to be reckoned with

The discovery of the forcefield could be just the answer for politicians trying to shore up their credibility. A junior senator from Texas has admitted that the Republican Party is considering adopting heraldry and arcane rituals to increase the chances of it surviving after imminent defeat on Election Day. But junior senators anxious about this strategy are resorting to proliferating ‘In God We Trust’ wall hangings around the Capitol by way of extra insurance.


A believer demonstrating the forcefield

Frodo is reportedly pleased with the discovery. Having lost His invisibility after destroying the Ring of Power, He has had to make do with His own wits and rhetorical skills. But the prospect of invincibility is tantalizing, and He believes it will go great with His magical elvish cloak.

Dyslexic voters unconvinced about Sarah Palin and Tall

Reassuring news has been thin on the ground for Frodologists supporting the Republican Presidential ticket. Some McCain staffers are attributing it to the unpopularity among dyslexic voters of Mrs Palin, the Vice Presidential candidate. Many are unfortunately confusing her with the fictional character Sarah Plain and Tall, and consequently losing interest in anything she has to say about politics.

Still others are leaning left since they are unsure whether Mrs Palin herself is a fictional character. Many believe that her uncanny inability to answer any question posed and bullish opposition to intelligent dialogue is actually a crude attempt at satire by the Democratic Party. Certain that the Republican Party would never be foolish enough to put forward such a mannequin of a candidate, undecided voters are still waiting for the real vice presidential nominee to be announced.

Other groups of traditionally staunch Republicans are faltering in their support for the VP hopeful since they couldn’t dissect the quip about pit bulls wearing lipstick. The general consensus among these voters is now that Mrs Palin is a supporter of homosexual dog fighting rings. Her strongest base is consequently comprised of weekend bestiality enthusiasts, namely the pressure group Canophiles for Palin.

Another source of confusion for voters is Mrs Palin’s constant references to herself and her running mate as ‘mavericks’. While this moniker itself appeals to America’s legions of would-be gunslingers, supporters are baffled by the total absence in the race of Tom Cruise.

Mrs Palin is arguably doing nothing to woo dyslexics. They have been barred from Republican rallies across the country after accidentally screwing up a “U-S-A! U-S-A!” chant by constantly misspelling it. As the respite from cheering allowed independent thought to re-establish itself, the hall emptied as crowds filtered through the exits.

Furthermore, her responses in interviews to nearly everything barring ‘knock knock’ jokes have been totally unintelligible. Her position on healthcare, taken from a recent interview, is that “it’s great, you know, because what John McCain has said, and what I have said, is that, with job creation, we can make sure the Russians stay out of Wall Street – and Main Street – I want to emphasize that, it’s just as important that they hunt down the terrorists there on Main Street as it is on Wally’s Street – and the enemies of America and its allies won’t stand a towelhead’s prayer of stopping Tina Fey”. Senator McCain later issued yet another statement assuring voters that he never, ever said that.

Her position was obfuscated by a later attempt to explain what she meant by “towelhead’s prayer”. She said: “Oh, you know, a lot of people have jumped on that, pointing their fingers and saying it’s um… I don’t know, you know… [Reporter: “racist?”] … Yeah, racist, I guess is the word. See, it’s just a little ditty we use up in Alaska. Because, the maritime border that we have between our airspace, and Barack Obama’s airspace, I mean I can see it from my house, and it’s given me a lot of experience in raising a family”.

On the other hand, pundits argue that her inability to speak English is forgivable in a state where most government jobs are held by moose. Plus, support from stalwart conservative Republicans remains as unwavering as ever, since her position on the ‘Big Three’ remains clear. Mrs Palin wants to allow baby Jesus to carry a gun. Or she wants to gun down Jesus’ baby. Or maybe Jesus gunned down a baby, and she wants to keep it quiet. I forget which. It’s not important.

However, the one positive for concerned Frodologists in all this is that not all undecided voters will be voting for the Democratic ticket, because Diben isn't a word.

Sarah Palin - veep show

The United States is quickly becoming one of the most generous nations on Earth. Through giving so many of its people over to Frodology, mind, body and soul, it is truly working its way into Frodo’s good graces. We managed to recruit and save a staggering 1,500 people in Kalamazoo, Michigan in a single afternoon, putting us fifty-ninth on the government’s Index of Infectious Hysterias. It’s tough competition in the States, but it really is great to see everyone being so willing to just keep quiet and follow.

With so many new members coming from the States, it is unsurprising that we are receiving pleas from Frodologists for spiritual guidance in the upcoming elections. We are truly thrilled to see this, since choosing your President and political leaders should ultimately be a religious question. So today we’re going to examine the qualifications and attributes of one of the election’s hottest tickets: Sarah Palin.

One item with which Mrs. Palin has earned our trust is her stance on abortion. She is firm, unwavering, and will not countenance abortion under any circumstances. Wait, is not allowing abortion a double negative? Excuse me. Mrs. Palin will at all times allow babies to be born. Well that’s good of her. In a similar vein, we Frodologists feel that since conception is a miracle totally inexplicable by science, every fertilized egg is sanctioned by Frodo, regardless of incest, rape, bestiality, or woeful retardation. In this Mrs. Palin’s stance on abortion resembles Frodology’s own “Abortion is for Quitters” campaign.

Another facet of Mrs. Palin’s persona of which Frodology approves is her commitment to moose hunting. Of course if it wasn’t a part of her life as a public official, it wouldn’t be worthy of comment. But since the introduction under Mrs. Palin of a biannual moose bloodletting on the gubernatorial steps as sacrifice to the Aleutian sun gods, big game is fair game. We support moose hunting because guns are cool and you have to shoot something. Plus if you’re shooting moose, you’re not shooting people, and that keeps the crime rate down. And it’s a good thing she’s hunting moose, because the same does not apply to quails.

One controversial area on Mrs. Palin’s record is her position on federal funding. She received criticism for first supporting and then opposing the “Bridge to Nowhere” project. We Frodologists feel this is unfair, as during the period in which she supported the plan, it was actually called the “Bridge from Somewhere” project and was vastly more sensible when seen from that angle.

Perhaps the only black mark against Mrs. Palin’s name is her aversion to spending money on pork barrels. It is possibly the single thing that Jews, Muslims and Republicans all have in common. We think Mrs. Palin should be less embarrassed about federal spending, and encourage her to pass a bill making Alaska the first state to publicly sponsor Lord of the Rings reenactments. Since a similar bill is already in front of the Wyoming Senate, we urge Mrs. Palin to hurry in this matter.

We also thoroughly applaud Mrs. Palin’s total lack of foreign policy experience and knowledge of the outside world. Indeed, to better reflect our own worldview, it should not be difficult at all to convince her that the world is flat. We fully anticipate that, as an insincere fickle religious opportunist, she will also abandon Jesus to the trite lines of a megachurch hymnbook and embrace Frodo in all His glory.

Words also agree that Mrs. Palin is the right choice. See, ‘Palin’ is an anagram of ‘plain’, but ‘Palin’ isn’t ‘plain’. Thus Mrs. Palin isn’t plain and will be an exciting choice for the vice presidential role. ‘Alnip’ and ‘lipan’ are also anagrams of ‘Palin’, but we’re not sure what they are.

Finally, in the interest of balanced reporting, Obama is a black guy, and they’re people too.

So vote McCain/Palin: a hot piece of AZ and a hot piece of ass!