Pray for the Republicans

On this eve of the presidential elections in the United States, the Council of Fro’Moes invites and encourages Frodologists worldwide to pray for a Republican victory. We are confident that Frodo will be listening to your prayers, despite the fact there is no particular reason why He should give a crap about the US since He hails from Middle Earth. Nor is it an abuse of the power of prayer to ask for every little thing you want when poverty and other ugly words are rife throughout the world.

It is imperative that Mr. McCain is elected to the highest office, since otherwise we will all be ruled by a Muslim, or a terrorist, or a homosexual. Or a black guy. I can’t be sure which, there’s an awful lot being said in the news. In any case, life under the Democrats would be no life at all. I can’t remember the reasons why, but I remember they were good ones.

We want a President with experience, damn it. We want the guy who’s a war hero, and who was locked up in a bamboo cage for the majority of that war, and consequently knows how to sit tight and be patient. We are prepared to meekly accept the repressed emotional baggage and frail heart condition that come with said bamboo cage.


Fig. 1, John McCain could have escaped from the open top bamboo cage. If he was as dishonest as Barack Obama.

We want change. Not too much, but some, which is why we don’t want the guy who will actually change things. Let us preserve the status quo, but still vote for the guys who calls themselves mavericks so that we can feel good about ourselves, like the rush you get from a Six Flags rollercoaster. Not the ones that go upside down, but the one that has no line because everyone else is waiting to get on the ones that do go upside down. Yeah, we want some of that.

Why are we hoping to elect a couple of Christians? Because Christianity serves as a good base from which Frodology can make its bid for power. Just as Christianity was a step up from Judaism, and Islam was a step up from camel husbandry, or whatever it is people do in the desert, Frodology is the natural progression from them.

How can we be so certain of success? Surveys reveal that the value people get from religion is not spiritual enlightenment, comfort, or even the limitless supply of choir boys, but rather the need to obey a stern overlord. Once citizens begin to identify Frodo as a source of ultimate authority, the transition should be easy.

And now, a short poem.

Once upon a night so clear
Christians crouched and squirmed in fear
Of the libs who gnashed and fought
To make our values all for naught

Gays and Jews and democrats
Buzzing like a cloud of gnats
Will tear this country limb from limb
And prostitute us on a whim

Getting drunk on Frodo’s tears
And fornicating with the queers
Tonight we vote to stem the tide
And strip the homos of their pride

We seem to have a gay complex
And a general fear of sex
You may think the GOP repressed
But in fact we have been blessed

John McCain is the solution
No more teaching evolution
Else our children we’ll be failing
Bow down now and worship Palin


Fig. 2, A vision of life under the Democrats

Dyslexic voters unconvinced about Sarah Palin and Tall

Reassuring news has been thin on the ground for Frodologists supporting the Republican Presidential ticket. Some McCain staffers are attributing it to the unpopularity among dyslexic voters of Mrs Palin, the Vice Presidential candidate. Many are unfortunately confusing her with the fictional character Sarah Plain and Tall, and consequently losing interest in anything she has to say about politics.

Still others are leaning left since they are unsure whether Mrs Palin herself is a fictional character. Many believe that her uncanny inability to answer any question posed and bullish opposition to intelligent dialogue is actually a crude attempt at satire by the Democratic Party. Certain that the Republican Party would never be foolish enough to put forward such a mannequin of a candidate, undecided voters are still waiting for the real vice presidential nominee to be announced.

Other groups of traditionally staunch Republicans are faltering in their support for the VP hopeful since they couldn’t dissect the quip about pit bulls wearing lipstick. The general consensus among these voters is now that Mrs Palin is a supporter of homosexual dog fighting rings. Her strongest base is consequently comprised of weekend bestiality enthusiasts, namely the pressure group Canophiles for Palin.

Another source of confusion for voters is Mrs Palin’s constant references to herself and her running mate as ‘mavericks’. While this moniker itself appeals to America’s legions of would-be gunslingers, supporters are baffled by the total absence in the race of Tom Cruise.

Mrs Palin is arguably doing nothing to woo dyslexics. They have been barred from Republican rallies across the country after accidentally screwing up a “U-S-A! U-S-A!” chant by constantly misspelling it. As the respite from cheering allowed independent thought to re-establish itself, the hall emptied as crowds filtered through the exits.

Furthermore, her responses in interviews to nearly everything barring ‘knock knock’ jokes have been totally unintelligible. Her position on healthcare, taken from a recent interview, is that “it’s great, you know, because what John McCain has said, and what I have said, is that, with job creation, we can make sure the Russians stay out of Wall Street – and Main Street – I want to emphasize that, it’s just as important that they hunt down the terrorists there on Main Street as it is on Wally’s Street – and the enemies of America and its allies won’t stand a towelhead’s prayer of stopping Tina Fey”. Senator McCain later issued yet another statement assuring voters that he never, ever said that.

Her position was obfuscated by a later attempt to explain what she meant by “towelhead’s prayer”. She said: “Oh, you know, a lot of people have jumped on that, pointing their fingers and saying it’s um… I don’t know, you know… [Reporter: “racist?”] … Yeah, racist, I guess is the word. See, it’s just a little ditty we use up in Alaska. Because, the maritime border that we have between our airspace, and Barack Obama’s airspace, I mean I can see it from my house, and it’s given me a lot of experience in raising a family”.

On the other hand, pundits argue that her inability to speak English is forgivable in a state where most government jobs are held by moose. Plus, support from stalwart conservative Republicans remains as unwavering as ever, since her position on the ‘Big Three’ remains clear. Mrs Palin wants to allow baby Jesus to carry a gun. Or she wants to gun down Jesus’ baby. Or maybe Jesus gunned down a baby, and she wants to keep it quiet. I forget which. It’s not important.

However, the one positive for concerned Frodologists in all this is that not all undecided voters will be voting for the Democratic ticket, because Diben isn't a word.